I really would appreciate all thoughts on this, as you will see it has been bothering me for sometime, and induces early morning wakings and tears of frustration.
I am an only child and my darling mother died suddenly in 1990, both my father and I were in complete shock for some time. I was staying with them both over the Christmas Holidays as my husband was away - Gulf War etc. Anyway, my Dad and I were very close (still calling him Daddy etc!)and for the week after her death we were inseparable - holding hands and crying and sleeping in their bed just shaking and frightened.
My husband was flown back for the funeral and as our flat was about to complete we all came to the same conclusion that we would pull out of our buying another immediately and all move in together for support. It worked out ok, and eventually after 5 months we bought another property. Dad would come over and do little jobs, stuff that my dh could have done on his own but my Dad and him did it together, sometimes Dad would stay, sometimes he would drive home, just how he felt. We would talk twice a day on the phone - 'Morning' and 'Goodnight' calls etc or 'are you watching BBC2 - turn over'!.
Within a couple of years my Dad had retired, got a voluntary job for his interest and we all got along just fine, if dh went away, Dad would come and stay for company. Obviously, the greiving process had moved on and in time I introduced him to a couple of women, friends mothers etc, and he found a couple of his own - no problems - very sweet and we would all laugh gently about it togther - he would say what would mummy say etc, very lighthearted.
He eventually met a woman, who he introduced me to, clearly not my mum very different a little brittle, but she was fine and pleasant and obviously good for him and I was OK about that, he needed to be happy and acting as gooseberry with us was not enough, which I understand. Within a couple of years he rented out our family home and moved in with her. Due to job changes we too have moved and are now about 100 miles away.
The change in my father from that day onwards has been dramatic, and in the last 6 years our relationship has deteriorated from 2/3 times a day on the phone to once a month on a Sunday at 10.45, and it goes, weather, more weather - low pressure, wind speed, and degrees celsius, how is .... how is ... and right you are then dear bye.
From the moment I first detected the initial subtle changes, I tried to do something about it, instead of discussing it, my father always says the same thing - 'You don't want me to be happy' and despite my protests that this is NOT the case, that is all he can say.
It came to a head when I suggested that just Dad and I went out for lunch, I just wanted a Father/Daughter 2 hours!, however, this was seen as a huge snub, and he told me in no uncertain terms that this was not how things were done anymore???, even when my mother was alive Dad and I did things without my mum, just as her and I did things without him.
So I suppose it was too much to ask then last year when my child - his first grandchild was born, when I asked him if he would come up and give support to my husband and I, a very firm No was issued. I rang him when I was having contractions and again asked him, and he said that he could not come as she had to have her eyes tested and he was going to drive her to Boots?!! she also drives and has a car. He has later denied any of these conversations happened.
There was also a family funeral my mother's sister died, and there were about 15 mourners and my Dad brought his new partner and introduced her to my mothers family none of which knew that he had either moved 6 years ago or was even attending - so not very close!. He spoke to my mothers brother and said 'don't tell me - I know the face, wait a minute - may I introduce you to .... etc - I could not believe what I was witnessing.
I am taking into account that he is 75 nearly, but since my mother has died he has been around the world, visiting most continents, and so 100 miles to our house seems trivial. They both come up and stay every 3 months or so, but stay in the Pub in the village(?!) we do have plenty of room. I get on with her, we have a laugh at things and she is very good with my son. But I want my Dad on his own just for an hour or so, overnight would be lovely.
I just don't know what to do, or should I do nothing as my husband says and just get over it and change the bloody record.
You may say yes!!! to be honest its times like this as an only (another thread starter) I need someone apart from dh, like a brother or sister to say 'yes, Dad is as mad as a hatter' or 'stop being a spoilt selfish bitch'. I feel that not only did I loose my beloved best friend my mother, but now it appears that I lost my Dad along the way somewhere. I have tried writing and phoning his mobile over the last 6 years but its always met with the same response - 'You don't want me to be happy' - so not true, I just want to be a part of his happiness, and I have also spoken to her about seeing him on his and she says that it is a shame, BUT NOTHING CHANGES.
I really would appreciate all views, just to give me some perspective amongst the fug of it all