National Adoption Week: Live webchat with Adopt a Better Way founder Francesca Polini, Monday 3 November 12.30 - 1.30pm

[KateHMumsnet]

Next week is National Adoption Week, and to mark it we're hosting a webchat with Francesca Polini, Chair and Founder of adoption support and advocacy organisation Adopt a Better Way.

While adoption rates have risen over the last few years, Adopt a Better Way take the view that the 67,000 children living in care in the UK would benefit from even quicker adoption routes, given the often poor outcomes for children living in care.

Adopt a Better Way aims to change the adoption process, and Francesca will be joining us to discuss how she believes this could be achieved to the benefit of the children concerned. Francesca founded Adopt a Better Way after adopting her first child from Mexico.

Please do join us live on Monday 3 November from 12.30 - 1.30pm to talk about all things adoption-related; as ever, if you can't make it then, do please post your questions in advance on this thread.

Thanks
MNHQ

@DwellsUndertheSink

Im a foster carer, so looking at this from a slightly different perspective.

Things I find wrong with the system:

While parents do have a right to turn their lives around, I think kids are left in their abusive homes too long. The rights of the children to a happy and healthy life seem to be secondary to the rights of the parents. The parents seem to be given chance after chance.

Then the children are left in the care system too long. And then, once the court case has been held, there can be delays while eg kinship carers are assessed, and then more court appearances....From the point that the children in my care were placed, to today, it will be 18 months.

I agree with other posters that have talked about psychological support for these children. My LOs were in a highly abusive and neglectful home. Our LA have been pretty good and, once the degree of damage was recognised, they bought in the services of a specialist trauma therapist, who managed to help the LO through their initial trauma. But it is highly unusual...the LA feel that children in care need to be in a settled placement prior to receiving therapy. I disagree with this. I would like to see each LA have a resident psychologist - even two, one for FOstering and one for Adoption support. Lets pull out of the oversubscribed CAMHS process and develop real specialists in attachment and trauma, abuse and neglect. That psychologist would be able to advise parents and social workers on next steps, would be able to form a real understanding of a child from early in the placement, and help them deal with the trauma of removal as well as the consequences of neglect.

Id like to see that post adoption support available to parents until the child is grown. Its no good only offering support for the first year - these children can have the double whammy of bad genes/genetic damage from alcohol/drugs; and the impact of attachment issues and truama/abuse/neglect, so their issues are not just going to go away because they are in a loving home... I have a dear friend that has sadly ended her adoption after a lack of support for her children once they hit puberty - its such a difficult time for any parent, but the issues are magnified for adopted kids - and yet they languish on the waiting list for psychological services which are not geared towards the severe issues they face.

Dear Dwellsunderthesink, it is so good to hear from a Foster Parent. At Adopt a Better Way, like you, we feel that children are kept for too long in their abusive families whilst social services and family courts agree on the next steps. Meanwhile as you point out they accumulate more abuse and/or neglect that they will carry for life. The lack of support for both foster and adoptive parents then means we are unable to support them through life at our best. We campaign strongly to shorten the time it takes to remove children from families when it is obvious that it is the best course of action as well as to improve tailored support for the children, foster parents and adoptive parents. Please do get in touch if you want to know more about our campaigns and how to help us make a real difference for the children.

Sorry to say this but what a ridiculous response to Adoptakid's question.
She's sounds utterly desperate in what sounds like a terrible situation and the best advice this expert can give is that

@Madrigals

I recently read Alex Bembrose's book about adopting from Guatemala and was shocked by how difficult it was for her to adopt domestically and also internationally.

Do you think it would be a good thing to increase the availability of international adoption and, if so, how do we do this?

Or do you think given the numbers of children needing forever homes here we should start by focusing on domestic adoption?

Dear Madrigals, thank you for your message I know Alex very well, like her I have published a book about my experience in adopting children from abroad. Whilst I believe we should give priority to finding permanent homes for the thousands of children who currently languish in care in the UK I also believe that there are lots of reasons why people chose to adopt internationally and it should not be discouraged. Personally I know my Mexican children were always meant to be in my life I cannot help feeling that because my husband and I were turned down from adopting in the UK this means that the children we could have adopted are probably still in care because of inconsistencies in the current adoption system.

My eldest DD was on the child protection register rebirth and removed at birth into foster care. Her half sister, born two years later had to endure two failed residential assessments which delayed her adoption. She was not available to be placed until 18 months old.

I agree that the system currently is all about the rights of the birth parents and the children have very few rights. A judge allowed my DD2 to suffer delays and the trauma of two failed residential assessments (at a cost of £££££££!) when there was obviously no hope that they would be successful. No SWs thought the birth parents could parent, but a judge allowed them to mess around with DD2 for too long. This is after exposing her to substances throughout the pregnancy that have caused her to have FAS!

@atoughyear

Sorry to say this but what a ridiculous response to Adoptakid's question. She's sounds utterly desperate in what sounds like a terrible situation and the best advice this expert can give is that

Dear atoughyear. I am sorry you feel our answer is not appropriate. However because we are a lobbying charity and not 'experts' or qualified or licensed by social services we are not able to give specific advice. The very only thing we can do is pint you in the right direction, whilst feeling a huge level of empathy for the issues encountered and the fact that the system as it is now is clearly not working and letting down both children and parents.

@YouAreMyRain

My eldest DD was on the child protection register rebirth and removed at birth into foster care. Her half sister, born two years later had to endure two failed residential assessments which delayed her adoption. She was not available to be placed until 18 months old.

I agree that the system currently is all about the rights of the birth parents and the children have very few rights. A judge allowed my DD2 to suffer delays and the trauma of two failed residential assessments (at a cost of £££££££!) when there was obviously no hope that they would be successful. No SWs thought the birth parents could parent, but a judge allowed them to mess around with DD2 for too long. This is after exposing her to substances throughout the pregnancy that have caused her to have FAS!

Dear YouAreMyRain, that is simply appalling I am so sorry to hear it and is just another proof of how ineffective the system is for children and those amazing people like you who are committed to help them. Please do get in touch with us if you wish to support our campaigns for change. Meanwhile do keep up the pressure - and the love!

Thank you so much A toughyear for your support. .

I am SO sorry if Im hogging this thread, I know all the other posters here are just as frustrated with the whole adoption thing, Im just so stressed out atm Im just trying to get a decent answer from SOMEONE.

So Francesca, how is your organisation going to change things?

Can I have another question since there aren't many of us here?

Francesca, what would you say was the most important adoption issue your charity are currently campaigning about/focussing on, and how are you trying to effect the changes necessary in this particular area? Thanks!

Francesca, what are your priorities as a lobbying charity? Ie what two or three things do you think would make a substantive difference to the outcome of both the children who are adopted and the parents who bring them up?

(Parent of a birth and adopted child here, as background - we have fortunately not needed to access post-adoption support, though that's more luck than much else)

X post with Lilka

You're welcome Adoptakid I'm so sorry to hear about your problems and it's obvious you need some decent support and advice. I'd have thought it was pretty obvious from your posts that you've demanded help from SS and that's got you nowhere.

thank you.

I have to go now (not usually online at this time but wanted to see what was going on this live chat).

Now have to see to DC as DC needs to eat, if I can get DC down from bedroom!

My friends are currently going through the adoption process. They're some way off, but I've run out of constructive advice, and sometimes think I'm just saying empty sentences. Is there any more I can do, and when they're successful, what should I do (and not do) on our first visits to meet their new family.

Dear Francesca,

Thank you for taking the time to do this web chat.

I have just been reading your answers and am slightly disappointed with them.

In general the answers seem to be as follows;
Advocate your child's needs to the LA - I am sure all adopters do this.
adopt a better way agree that needs changing

I understand you are not experts or qualified however I note that one of your 'powers' on your website is to provide advice to parents and children. I find this confusing if you are not an expert or qualified.

Could you perhaps advise families who are having a tough time where they can get support from? This could help them find support.

Having taken a look at your website I am not clear on what Adopt a better Way is actually doing to bring some much needed changes to the system, I can see what you want to do but no measure of success or actions taken. Perhaps you could share some thoughts

@Adoptakid

Do you think Ive been sitting here not trying this?

Ive been YEARS hassling the social services/adoption agency to help and support including CAMHS, and yet F.A. is all I get, excuses and let downs and faffing about ALL the time.

Cant YOU contact my social services/adoptiuon service if you pm me Ill give you their details and childs details. maybe they'll listen to you.

right now ive had to send DC up to room as thyve tried to stab me with a biro, wacked me across the back with a metal spatula (trying to help teach DC cooking) and got a sore jaw from being punched.

I keep calling the police and they say SS are useless and don't do anything and they cant exactly arrest DC as DCs not a thig, DCs got a genuine medical disorder.

what the F. do I do? they wont help me. EVER.

Dear AdoptaKid,

apologies I did not mean to suggest you have not been doing the right things or asking for the right support. What you are going through sounds simply horrific and my heart goes out to you. Sadly as the remit of Adopt a Better Way is to campaign for change we are not able or allowed to offer support of the kind you need because we are not a registered agency. When we have tried in the past we have been called by Ofsted and informed we should point people like you to their LA or adoption agency. We feel very strongly that this is NOT how things should be and continue challenging the system. The best advice I can offer is that if you are not getting anywhere with your SS you try the Adoption UK adoption helpline on 0844 848 7900 as they are an approved agency and will either help directly or contact SS on your behalf.

Francesca- empathy is all well and good but doesn't really help or change things does it? That's all that my post adoption support team offer, they phone up and tell me how hard things must be but can't provide any actual help or respite!

What do you do Francesca? Do you offer advice or not?

Cross posted

Sorry crossed posted with others trying to grab lunch and type not being very effective at either

@YouAreMyRain

So Francesca, how is your organisation going to change things?

Dear YouAreMyrain,

nice hearing from you again. The way we go about changing the adoption system is by raising awareness of the main issues surrounding adoption via media pressure. That allows us to then sit with decision makers to decide on improvements. In the past we have set up a petition that we personally delovered (well our children did!) to number 10 and we are in the process of writing a private members Bill. It would be great to have us join forces with us if you feel like it. Please do message us if you feel that you could make a difference with us.

Francesca - I would love to join forces and support your organisation but I am on my knees dealing with the day to day reality of parenting damaged children! if When things settle down here, I'll be in touch!

@YouAreMyRain

Francesca- empathy is all well and good but doesn't really help or change things does it? That's all that my post adoption support team offer, they phone up and tell me how hard things must be but can't provide any actual help or respite!

What do you do Francesca? Do you offer advice or not?

Dear YourAreMyRain,

nice from hearing from you again. As we are not an adoption agency we are not allowed to offer advice. What we do however is look at where the main issues with the current system are and campaign for changes to it via petitions, creating awareness movements and pushing for Bills that change the current practices. We have been very successful in a lot of areas so far but we haven't quite shifted the needle in big areas such as post adoption support, which is a big focus for our advocacy work at the moment - and by reading this thread it feels that we are aiming at the right spot.

on my knees dealing with the day to day reality of parenting damaged children!

Exactly. You so sorry you're going through this too, all posters who are going through this.

Which areas of adoption policy have you succeeded on changing? And conscious that this talk is due to come to an end shortly, what info do you want from the combined experience of Mumsnet?