Live Webchat with Oliver 'Change Your Life' Burkeman, Friday 7 Jan, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Journalist Oliver Burkeman is joining us on Friday 7th January at 1pm to talk about his latest book 'Help!: How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done' which is published this week.

Solving the problem of human happiness is a subject that has occupied some of history's greatest philosophers, from Aristotle to Paul McKenna. But how do we sort the good ideas from the bad ones? In the last five years Oliver Burkeman has travelled to some of the strangest corners of the 'happiness industry' in an attempt to find out. In 'HELP!: How to Become Slightly Happier Get a Bit More Done', he presents his findings. An exploration that punctures many of self-help's most common myths, it also offers clear-headed, practical advice on a range of topics from stress, procrastination and insomnia, to laughter, creativity and wealth.

Oliver Burkeman is a feature writer for the Guardian. He is a winner of the Foreign Press Association's Young Journalist of the Year award, and has been shortlisted for the Orwell Prize. He writes a popular weekly column on psychology, This Column Will Change Your Life, and has reported from London, Washington, and New York.

Join us on Friday at 1pm to chat with Oliver or if you're unable to join us, send a question in advance to Oliver to this thread.

@notsohotchic

Hi Oliver,
Just wondering what you think of medication for depression? Sorry, haven't read your column, don't know if you've covered this. I have been depressed recently due to events beyond my control.I have always preferred to avoid drugs.I am much more inclined to feel depressed in winter, could it be s.a.d.? Do you believe in that?

This would be as good a point as any to stress that I am a journalist who has read a preposterous amount of self-help books and research papers, and run random little psychological experiments on myself, rather than any kind of qualified psychologist or psychotherapist! That said, I know from the experiences of several close friends that for some people, medication for depression is simply incomparable to anything else ? it finally makes them feel like who they're meant to be, so it provides a vital starting-point for making non-medical changes. In other words I don't think rejecting drugs on principle makes a lot of sense. (That's not to say that in many specific cases their side-effects might not outweigh the benefits.)

Also: this 'only children are happier' thing - what do you think?

And birth order - too much made of it or crucial in determining personality?

@personanongrata

Oliver, can you expand a bit on 'lifehacking' and what it actually means? What do you do to hack your life? Because the stuff about how irrational we all are about money (saving in one account while running up debts on a credit card) rang true!

Your book cheered me up - moderation in everything and all you can essentially do is put in time and effort (parenting, relationships etc). Sounds good to me!

Hello personanongrata, very glad you liked the book. "Lifehacking" as a term comes from computer programming culture, where a hack refers to a "quick-and-dirty" fix for a software problem, rather than some grand abstract system or set of principles. See lifehacker.com for one of the original blogs that's still largely tech-based. I take the wider point to be that you don't need to adopt a whole philosophy when a few tricks will do. Tragic example from my own life: keeping a kitchen timer on my desk and doing work in 5-minute bursts when I can't bear to do any more.

@swallowedAfly

hi oliver.

it seems like people want to believe in fantastical systems for being 'happier' instead of looking at their lifestyles, beliefs and thought patterns and making the adjustments that would improve their general sense of satisfaction and mood.

why do you think this is? why do they look elsewhere than common sense?

I think you're exactly right about "systems". People have tried and tried to change themselves, and then some guru comes along with what looks like a new and self-contained set of techniques and that's understandably seductive. A counterargument, though: I think we can still benefit from tricks and techniques for putting common sense into practice, which is why some of my favourite books in this field are actually "productivity" or "time management" books. I know what to do ? I just need help actually doing it.

I would like to echo the questions about SAD and how you can prevent the winter slump

@ali38

The key to happiness is knowing where you're going - having some goals. The winds of change may not always blow in our favour but we can adjust our sails as long as we know where we're headed, even if we get blown off track occasionally.
Also - think about what you want - not what you don't want! Try it - it works! We may not always be able to control what happens but we are able to choose our response - isn't that what 'response-ability' means?!

If it works for you I wouldn't dream of disagreeing! As mentioned earlier though, sometimes think the pop-psychology world goes too far with this stance. Seneca the Stoic (and some modern psychologists) would also say that thinking about what you don't want has some advantages ? figure out the worst-case scenario (instead of always "visualising the goal") and you're likely to find it's less catastrophic than you'd been assuming.

@onebatmother

Hello Oliver!

Am great admirer.

Is it possible genuinely to accept things which are not as you would wish them to be, or is it a human instinct continually to try to correct them.

Also:

What do you think of Buddhism - or rather the bastard Californian version of it that's been around for a while? I find in incredibly annoying - solipsistic and ultimately entirely self-interested - but infuriatingly they do all seem very calm.

Excellent q ? I think there are many, many people calling themselves Buddhists (yes, probably lots of them in California) who are really using it to avoid or suppress issues they should probably be confronting. But from what I understand of "real" Buddhism it's the exact, diametric opposite of solipsistic and self-interested. A book I really liked was "Nothing Special" by Charlotte Joko Beck.

@onebatmother

Also: this 'only children are happier' thing - what do you think?

And birth order - too much made of it or crucial in determining personality?

Having sisters makes you happier!:

BBC News Story

I don't have the facts at my fingertips on this particular area, but I suspect a general point applies that applies elsewhere: even where studies determine that only children are happier, first-born children have higher IQs, etc, the hidden caveat is always "all else being equal". And all else is never equal in reality. In other words, parenting styles, social/economic circumstances etc will lead to totally different outcomes for different only children, firstborn children, etc. None of these individual factors (being an only child, being the first born, etc) is destiny. In other words, yes, too much is always made of any single factor in parenting outcomes (and elsewhere).

@TallyB

Hi Oliver, enjoy your column :-)

My question is: due to the the financial crisis and subsequent government cuts, huge numbers of people are going to lose their jobs (myself included) and as a consequence of that, many will lose their homes. How can these people remain optimistic?

TallyB, glad you like the column, but I am sorry to hear about your job. As I said earlier think one of the big problems with the prevailing ethos of self-help is that the pressure to feel optimistic/upbeat can actually be a hindrance, so I'd say not beating yourself up for not always being optimistic is an important start. Beyond that lots of people (me included) find a lot of use in "easy wins" ? scaling back your goals to very small daily incremental steps towards (for example) finding a new job. It's weird how great it feels to cross five things off a to-do list even if they're tiny. (Caveat, this may just be me being a weirdo.)

@ginghamgiraffe

I would like to echo the questions about SAD and how you can prevent the winter slump

I'm no expert on this but the two people I know well who are seriously affected by this swear by their Phillips Blu-Lights. I'm not on commission!

@JFly

Interesting principles vs. techniques. That's where I fall down: I can easily but into a philosophy, but how do I apply it? If you are overwhelmed, will a chancge in attitude really kick start you into action? I think most of us who struggle with getting stuff done are looking for solutions. I suppose it's like losing weight, I can embrace "exercise more, eat less" but what do I do?

I know you have to fundamentally change your outlook, but I also want practical help to "get stuff done".

Really good point. I precisely -don't- think that a change in attitude is always crucial to kickstart you into action; I think waiting for that attitude change can be a big obstacle. I quite like the approach of setting your initial goals ABSURDLY low ? eg. go for a 30-second brisk walk every day for a week. I know that sounds like a joke but that's sort of the point ? it's so small it passes under the radar of the part of your mind that's always ready to rebel. Far better, anyway, to go on a brisk walk in reality twice a week than run five miles a day in your imagination...

@TillyBookClub

Hi Oliver, thanks for coming on to talk to us.

I'd like to know:

What is your favourite children's book?

And what non-self help book would you give to someone to make them happy? Or to put it another way, is there a specific book that cheers you up?

I'm a fan of your Guardian column, looking forward to reading Help!

Favourite children's book ? Am I allowed to say Uncle Shelby's ABZ by Shel Silverstein?

Happiness-inducing non-self-help book ? long classic novels that are soothing precisely as a result of never actually being all that exciting (Trollope). Also anything by Anne Lamott, especially Bird By Bird, but that is almost a self-help book I suppose.

@JustineMumsnet

Isn't happiness in part, at least, a relative term though? I'm happy because my football team is top of the league, child is best in class, dh is fittest man on planet (am not talking literally here, obviously). If so doesn't it follow that a proportion will always be less than happy, no matter what?

I think that's a totally accurate observation about how happiness usually works, but I'm not sure it's how happiness inevitably has to work. And in any case I think you can choose who you're comparing yourself to. This is the syndrome whereby multi-millionaires who always fly on chartered jets get miserable because they start comparing themselves to billionaires who own private planes. In other words it's not a given, but a question of what you choose to focus on ? which certainly doesn't mean that "choosing" is easily done.

@champagnesupernova

Ooh thank you.
What about having goals? Isn't that basically cosmic ordering?

I'm sceptical about self-help's focus on goalsetting, but not half as sceptical as I am about cosmic ordering, which seems to involve assuming that all you have to do to achieve the goal is ask "the Universe" for it. Noel Edmonds is a big proponent, apparently.

Goalsetting has been massively overhyped ? the big study that everyone always cites, about how Yale university students with written goals earned vastly more than those without, turns out almost certainly never to have existed. I like the observation of the productivity writer Mark Forster who points out that the -only- purpose of a goal is to help you decide what to do in the present.

@jepa

Hi Oliver
Actually I find it quite hard to be happy- not sure why
I have two very happy and healthy children who I adore
A job which though stressful I love, lots of lovely friends and family, a pretty good relationship with my partner.
So why am I not bouncing around full of happiness?

I am very very aware of how awful life can be so I guess really my question is how do we appreciate what we do have ?

See my posting about gratitude (and a book on that whole topic by Robert Emmons called Thanks!, I believe). But I think all but the most excruciating positive-thinking gurus would not say that "bouncing around full of happiness" all the time is an achievable goal, so I guess I'd also suggest not setting that as the ultimate goal. But no easy answer to this one ? it is -the- big challenge.

@ilovecrisps

Hi Oliver
I have wealth envy/anxiety! I suffer from the belief that everyone is earning heaps of money and I will never be able to keep up, admittedly this is mainly based around the fact that despite dh and I both working full-time we have never felt able to afford a house/flat, how would you suggest I deal with this?

My lack of house does affect my life I feel unable to have friends round, we live in a damp flat etc etc.

please don't say it's about being grateful for what you've got I recently lost my job and have a dc who is seriously ill so I do have lots of bad stuff too!
thanks

Even if gratitude -is- important there is nothing more insanely annoying than other people telling you to "be grateful" when you're not feeling that way so I certainly won't. I will not pretend to have big answers here, hopefully one or two of the other answers may prove useful. Meanwhile don't forget that the fixation on home-ownership-at-all-costs is an idiosyncratic part of British culture, not gospel truth. (Also have you invited friends round to your damp flat? I bet they won't care about it 1% as much as you do. I often notice things when visiting friends that I know I'd have stressed out about if it was my flat ? but that doesn't bother me in the slightest because it isn't.)

@hobbgoblin

I need to read up on you first but...

Can you be poor and happy in this world without being a monk?

You probably know of the finding (though it's not undisputed) that more money doesn't seem to bring a proportionate amount of happiness above about £12,000 a year. I'm quite sure it's -possible- to be happy on almost no money at all, it would probably involve a pretty strong embrace of Buddhism or some Buddhist-like philosophy that emphasised reducing your dependence on outside gratifications as sources of pleasure. But equally that doesn't mean it's right to lionise poverty as a way to a purer form of happiness. It's a tricky ethical conundrum though: some surveys suggest that people in poor communities in developing countries are far happier than Upper East Side Manhattanites. But does that mean they're "better off" really? Very complex.

Phew, OK, I am going to leave it there. Thank you very much for your questions and I hope my answers were worth reading. Happy Friday afternoon!

Oliver

Thanks v much Oliver. We're all feeling much better for that (in an evidence-based kind of way).

Thank you for answering my question, and for an interesting webchat.

He was very good. I'm going to buy the book I think.

I thought the chat was interesting, definitely some food for thought, can't really rush read it, so will look over again later when home quieter! Will buy the book now though. (have already sent Philips light link across to friend with SAD!)

Thank you
Am off to buy book !