Live Webchat with Oliver 'Change Your Life' Burkeman, Friday 7 Jan, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Journalist Oliver Burkeman is joining us on Friday 7th January at 1pm to talk about his latest book 'Help!: How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done' which is published this week.

Solving the problem of human happiness is a subject that has occupied some of history's greatest philosophers, from Aristotle to Paul McKenna. But how do we sort the good ideas from the bad ones? In the last five years Oliver Burkeman has travelled to some of the strangest corners of the 'happiness industry' in an attempt to find out. In 'HELP!: How to Become Slightly Happier Get a Bit More Done', he presents his findings. An exploration that punctures many of self-help's most common myths, it also offers clear-headed, practical advice on a range of topics from stress, procrastination and insomnia, to laughter, creativity and wealth.

Oliver Burkeman is a feature writer for the Guardian. He is a winner of the Foreign Press Association's Young Journalist of the Year award, and has been shortlisted for the Orwell Prize. He writes a popular weekly column on psychology, This Column Will Change Your Life, and has reported from London, Washington, and New York.

Join us on Friday at 1pm to chat with Oliver or if you're unable to join us, send a question in advance to Oliver to this thread.

Hello Oliver,

Is there an easier way of remaining positive when circumstance keeps pulling the rug from under your feet?

I love your work Oliver. Your are very wise, but also funny at the same time which is so rare! And cute, in a slightly bald sort of way . Can you give me some advice? I have this colleague who used to be really self-effacing and charming but since he has enjoyed a small amount of professional success (and I mean small!) he has become an insufferable self-promoting megalomaniac. I really don't want to burst his bubble as I'm sure he's still a nice enough chap underneath, but what would be the best way to gently let him know that he has become a monster?

Hello everyone. Thanks for these excellent questions, I'll get stuck in.

Hi Oliver, thanks for coming on to talk to us.

I'd like to know:

What is your favourite children's book?

And what non-self help book would you give to someone to make them happy? Or to put it another way, is there a specific book that cheers you up?

I'm a fan of your Guardian column, looking forward to reading Help!

@MmeLindt

I get a lot more done when I log out of MN and stay away from Twitter. :o

Hello Oliver,
I would like to know what he thinks of modern social media - is it a hindrance or a help in our lives? And how much is too much?

Hello MmeLindt,

I have been strictly informed by Mumsnet bosses that "spending less time on Mumsnet" is not an acceptable answer... I tend to be pretty suspicious of anyone arguing either that social media is the future of humanity or that it's hideously evil. It's just another medium ? surely what matters is how you choose to integrate it into your life? Personally I think it's a question of breaking the strange spell the internet can exert, luring you back almost unconsciously over and over again, and replacing that with making a conscious decision to connect and then to disconnect. If your lifestyle allows it, making fixed times to check email (or hang out on Mumsnet etc) is a good trick that puts you in the driving-seat. "How much" is less of an issue, even if you're deciding to web-surf 30 times a day you're still doing the deciding, rather than salivating when a bell rings like Pavlov's dogs.

How do you get onto webchat - has it started already?

@Hammerlikedaisies

Hi Oliver, really enjoy your column.

Feeling good about yourself makes you happy. Giving something to someone, having your views on MN agreed with, looking good all make you happy. None of these are things that can be bought or legislated for.

So my Q is: What is the role of government in this? Beyond ensuring that everyone has a roof, how can they help people to be happy?

Really good question. A lot of people get understandably jumpy about government attempts to increase happiness because it sounds so Orwellian. (Bhutan famously replaced "gross national product" with "gross national happiness", but it's hardly a shining example of democracy.) But I really hate the ultra-individualist ethos of much self-help culture that implies you're entirely responsible for your happiness and success, because its implied flipside is that if you're poor (in the words of one actual self-help book) You're Poor Because You Want To Be. In short my politics are the Guardianish ones you'd probably expect: I'd say government has a significant role to play in lifting people out of poverty and providing the healthcare and educational opportunities that allow people to focus on being happy (instead of just staying alive) in the first place.

Does the weather make you feel gloomy and how can this be avoided?

Yes, Oliver's here and answering questions. Just post your question or comment here, Terrytt, as you just did.

@Misterroberts

Is it true that all your best jokes are supplied by your Guardian colleagues?

Yes. (Cunning username Ian!)

@aliceAliceM

Bonjour Oliver. A question from France : the title of your book implies the readers would like to "get a bit more done": don't you think that the very title of the book very much refers to the consumption society, where everyone should be productive, whose aim would be to "get things DONE" ? I don't have a "to do list"(what a horrible term)and I see proscrastination as one of the great pleasures in life.

I envy your attitude, and in some ways I'd quite like to feel no particular need to get things done. But I just do, and I think most people do, and the book title is an effort to express a way to meet that feeling halfway. I like the feeling of being productive; the challenge, I suppose, is not to make your happiness dependent on reaching some specific level of productivity or achievement. I haven't found the answer yet...

@fruitshootsandheaves

sounds like he is very young, enthusiastic and optimistic....completely opposite to me then, I'll try to think of a suitable question!

Ha! I had hoped the book subtitle would convey something rather more down to earth. I promise you I've read enough exhaustingly upbeat selfhelp books (for research, you understand!) to become pretty jaded about relentless enthusiasm...

@toomuchmonthatendofthemoney

what advice would you offer someone who is a world class procrastinator? (apart from, get off your arse).

The best advice I ever found came from an author called Julie Fast who was writing specifically for depressed people, but I think the answer applies to everyone: don't wait until you feel like doing something. Sounds so obvious, but I think it's actually quite profound. In other words, next time you're feeling actively hostile towards the idea of doing some task, stop trying to feel enthusiastic about it. The overriding message from the "motivational" industry ? that you have to get psyched up before you do something ? just isn't really true, it seems to me. Often it just creates an extra hurdle.

So how do you GET more done?

I have tried Fly Lady (set a timer for 15 mins) etc and it's
effective when there's no one else around but with a newborn and a toddler the timer makes NO difference whatsoever...

@longdarktunnel

Hi Oliver, I'm a big fan...

Do you think you can "think yourself happy"? If your life is pretty rubbish, is it possible to force yourself to be happy by thinking or acting differently?

Thank you for kind words! I really don't think it is possible, except perhaps at a very superficial level. There was a fascinating study in 2009 that showed that when people with low self-esteem were asked to repeat affirmations to themselves ("I am a loveable person!") it made them feel actively worse, because their minds immediately came up with objections. "Forcing yourself" to feel better is based on a very odd concept of the self, when you think about it, requiring some kind of internal division where one "you" is forcing the other "you" into line. I'm pretty sure this is usually a recipe for internal mental warfare rather than serenity. The advice I find more useful is to try to relate differently to negative emotions, ie., not to be controlled by them ? rather than trying to squelch them. Paul McKenna probably wouldn't agree.

Isn't happiness in part, at least, a relative term though? I'm happy because my football team is top of the league, child is best in class, dh is fittest man on planet (am not talking literally here, obviously). If so doesn't it follow that a proportion will always be less than happy, no matter what?

@champagnesupernova

So how do you GET more done?

I have tried Fly Lady (set a timer for 15 mins) etc and it's
effective when there's no one else around but with a newborn and a toddler the timer makes NO difference whatsoever...

I should be careful about dispensing advice to parents of young children because I am not one. I do think, though, that the principles of things like FlyLady can be useful even if the specific techniques aren't applicable. I think a big part of that kind of approach (as I understand it) is using checklists and routines so that when you do get a window of time, however tiny, you don't have to use any of it figuring out what to do ? you can just do it.

Hi Oliver
I have wealth envy/anxiety! I suffer from the belief that everyone is earning heaps of money and I will never be able to keep up, admittedly this is mainly based around the fact that despite dh and I both working full-time we have never felt able to afford a house/flat, how would you suggest I deal with this?

My lack of house does affect my life I feel unable to have friends round, we live in a damp flat etc etc.

please don't say it's about being grateful for what you've got I recently lost my job and have a dc who is seriously ill so I do have lots of bad stuff too!
thanks

Ooh thank you.
What about having goals? Isn't that basically cosmic ordering?

@CeliaFate

Hi Oliver. Can you list 3 things everyone should and could do to be a bit happier?

1. I wouldn't admit it to my friends but will apparently admit it in public on Mumsnet: keep a 'gratitude journal'. Pretty much nothing could sound cheesier or more corny, I know, but it's backed up now by plenty of studies (and I can vouch for it personally too). It's a way of combating the "hedonic treadmill" ? the way new sources of pleasure cease delivering pleasure because we get accustomed to them.
2. Spend more time in nature. I think the most recent finding was that even five minutes a day surrounded by greenery has protective benefits for mental health.
3. Ease up on all the positive thinking! Accidentally leave your copy of The Secret on a train somewhere. Trying really hard to control your thoughts in that way is totally counterproductive for a lot of people.

I actually found I became more effective in doing things, that I might have procrastinated about in the past, after I had children. The importance of time, and how little of it you have, suddenly becomes much more apparent. You have 40min while the baby is asleep, you know you can't do it later, so you have to do it now. However now my children are at school, and the immediate sense of urgency is reduced, I have more tendency to while away the time on Mumsnet .

@Rannaldini

Love your work!

Having had the money and time for navel gazing I have purchased a fair bit of therapy. The most useful but obvious (and yet I needed to pay to be told it) seems to be acceptance therapy ie accept where you are now and how you feel about it and then move forward.

What do you really think about the use of therapy to find happiness?

Thanks

I'm a big fan of therapy in general. Not all therapists or therapies are great for everyone, and I know it's possible to get too deeply into therapy culture, but in terms of where attitudes are in the UK right now I think the far more important message is that it's usually enormously useful and needn't be an embarrassing topic.

"Acceptance" is a fascinating topic ? really easily misunderstood as "just put up with whatever situation you're in". I like the Carl Rogers quote: "The curious paradox is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." I'm not sure it's a paradox really ? more just that denying reality is an impractical starting-point for modifying it.

Interesting principles vs. techniques. That's where I fall down: I can easily but into a philosophy, but how do I apply it? If you are overwhelmed, will a chancge in attitude really kick start you into action? I think most of us who struggle with getting stuff done are looking for solutions. I suppose it's like losing weight, I can embrace "exercise more, eat less" but what do I do?

I know you have to fundamentally change your outlook, but I also want practical help to "get stuff done".

Hello Oliver!

Am great admirer.

Is it possible genuinely to accept things which are not as you would wish them to be, or is it a human instinct continually to try to correct them.

Also:

What do you think of Buddhism - or rather the bastard Californian version of it that's been around for a while? I find in incredibly annoying - solipsistic and ultimately entirely self-interested - but infuriatingly they do all seem very calm.

OOh x post on acceptance - but mine is slightly different. I think.