Live chat with Rebecca Abrams, Monday 3rd September, 9-10 pm

[Justiner]

Rebecca Abrams is an award-winning journalist and author and well-known as a commentator on women, parenthood and feminism. Her latest book: "Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush: Everything You Need to Know About having your second child" gives advice on all aspects of life with a second child, from expectations to going back to work. You can chat live online with Rebecca this Thursday 30th August from 9pm to 10pm. We also have five copies of her book to give away to the first five members to log onto the live discussion.

Dear Ian,
I do get asked that question quite a lot, as it happens, and I discuss it quite a lot in my book for that very reason. Basically, though, there isn't an ideal age gap, but different gaps have different pros and cons. As one father of twins told me, the ideal age gap between your first and second child is 8 minutes. Someone else assured me it was 18 years! Personally, I think it's a shame there's so much pressure to get on and have a second child quickly, because there is some evidence that waiting until your first child is 3 is easier on both the mother and the firstborn, emotionally and psychologically. Hope that's some help.

What do you do when the younger child bullies the older one? My one year old often (seemingly deliberately) ruins my almost three year old daughter's games, pulls her hair and is generally naughty. I try and tell him off but she knows as well as I do that he doesn't understand. Should I try and get her to make allowances for him because he's little and can't understand, or do I try and make a big show of telling him off so she knows I know he's been naughty? Please advise!

Unfortunately due to a dodgy computer link, that's all Rebecca can answer tonight but she's promised to come back over the next few days and answer the questions she hasn't got to tonight. Many thanks to Rebecca and to all those who took part.
Justine, Rachel and Carrie

Dear Bev,
As you'll now know from my answer to the last caller, I tend to agree with you that leaving having a second child until your first child is moving on from baby and toddlerhood is often a good idea. If you're interested I do go into the reasons for this in some detail in chapter three of my book.

Dear Jolly,

I think you're being very wise in recognising that your distressing experience with the birth of your first child needs to be taken into account and not just pushed under the carpet now that you're starting to think about having a second. Generally speaking, second births are quicker and easier, although factors such as your age need to be taken into consideration. Also, there are some medical conditions, such as pre-eclampsia, which are likely to recur in a second pregnancy. Without knowing the details of your particular labour, I obviously can't say what the risk of the same things happening again would be. What is certainly the case, though not much talked about, is that a second pregnancy can be a very anxious time when you've had a particularly traumatic first birth. A woman's experiences first time round are also bound to affect the kind of choices she makes about medical intervention, pain relief and so forth second time round. I think you should talk through your concerns with an experienced and supportive obstetrician or midwife. Many hospitals now offer a post-birth counselling service where you can talk through what happened and if you haven't considered this, it might be worth checking out if there's any such service in your area. Best of luck.

Dear Mellie,

First, the bad news: you can't hope to spare your firstborn all feelings of jealousy and displacement. Becoming a sibling is a learning experience and it's not all pleasant. The good news is that, yes, you can do a great deal to offset the inevitable pangs of jealousy and help your daughter to adjust in positive ways to the new baby. The sibling relationship starts at birth and the way it develops will have a huge impact on the family as a whole, so I go into this issue in a lot of detail in my book and you might want to have a look at chapters four and five, in particular. Three tips to be going on with. First, talk to your daughter about when she was a baby, what she did, liked, disliked. This will stimulate her curiosity and resassure her that she once got this first-class treatment too. Secondly, treat the baby as a fully-fledged person from the start, and encourage your daughter to do the same. Point out how the baby seems to like it when she sings to her, plays peekabo with her and - eventually! - smiles at the sight of her. Thirdly, keep an eye on how often your daughter is having to wait while you do something for the baby. Make sure she's still getting plenty of concentrated attention from you ; draw attention to the baby's responses Usually, firstborns cope pretty well immediately after the birth and get progressively more cheesed off as time goes on! As the baby develops, it will affect your daughter differently and she will express her feelings differently. Some reactions to the birth of a sibling may only last a couple of weeks, other kinds of behaviour may not even start until the baby's seven or eight months old. Overall, I'd say, the most important thing you can is not underestimate what a big change it will be for her and how long it will take her to get used to being a sibling and having to share your attention. Most parents allow a few weeks - in fact, they should allow much more like a year. Thanks for calling.

Dear Kenny, take your cue from them. You'll probably find that the elder child starts to object at some point. And of course, keep an eye on them. Even four year olds can get quite excited by each other's nakedness and it may be necessary to draw some fairly strict guidelines for acceptable behaviour.

Hi, Jgb,

Well, this is a tricky question you're asking me, and really it boils down to what you'll be happy coping with. I found my coping threshold dropped dramatically after my second child, but then I'd had a bad second pregnancy, a difficult labour, and brought home an extremely demanding baby. I also didn't have as much support as I personally needed at that stage. Support really is the key, and that doesn't need to come from your husband necessarily, but if you're planning to have two children very close in age, I'd strongly suggest that you think about getting a bit more than help with the cleaning. Are there any friends or relatives or responsible teenagers who might be able to lend a hand in the early evenings, which is often a stressful time with two children? HomeStart, as I mentioned to an earlier caller, is an excellent organisation with local branches all over the country, and free of charge provides trained volunteers to come to your home and help out with children under-5. Whatever you decide, it's well worth having the HomeStart number up your sleeve.

Dear Ginjo,

I really sympathise. Things will get easier with time, but I realise that's not much help right now. I also know how incredibly distressing it is, as the mother, to be forever telling off your firstborn and feeling that the relationship between you is just going from bad to worse. It can feel at times like an awfully high price to pay for the joy of having a second child. Five weeks is really very, very early days from your daughter's point of view, and it is not at all uncommon for naughtiness to escalate at this point. What she needs, I'm afraid to say, is more positive attention from you and lots of reassurance that she's still loved. It can be difficult to give either when she's being so provocative and unlovable, I know, but that's what she needs. What you need though is just as important, and I'd suggest, if at all possible, time alone with your firstborn, in order to 'bank' some good experiences; time away from her, to restock your stores of patience and good will, and time by yourself in order to recharge your own batteries at this stressful and demanding stage. I don't know what your situation is, but if you can manage just fifteen minutes a day of undivided, focussed attention on your daughter, you'll find it will help you both. Try and hang on to the fact that her naughtiness is not something she's 'doing' to you, but part of the whole process of adapting to a second child that both of you are having to make right now. Also as I said to Mellie earlier, this process takes a good year, not just a few weeks. Do have a look at my book as I think you'd find it very helpful on this. I'd also recommend Gael Lindenfield's book Managing Anger (Thorsens). The best of luck.

Hi Motshedi,
Make the most of these months together before she starts school too and have a really good time. Most local authorities offer plenty of activities for toddlers, such swimming, art, music and baby gym - check at your local library and sports centre for information. Your little girl will enjoy the activities and meeting other children will help take her mind of her sister.

Hello Mickey,
I think it depends very much on your particular children. Some siblings love sharing a bedroom, others need their own space. Also how do they get on? If your three year old doesn't hit the baby, I wouldn't think safety would be a problem. Similarly, if the baby sleeps well and cries quietly, your three year old probably won't be disturbed at all. On the other hand, we let our second child get into very bad nighttime habits because we were terrified of him waking our firstborn with his fiercesome screaming. So, my advice? Give it a try and see how you - and they - get on.

Oh dear, you poor thing Ley. I recall this scenario all too well. We're so used to thinking of the older child as the bullying one that it's a real shock - though more common than you might think - when it turns out that the real thug is our angelic little baby. I discuss this situation in quite a lot of depth in a chapter called Tea For Three and you might want to check it out, but in summary, I would suggest the following. Keep on telling off the baby, because your three year old gets the message even if the baby doesn't. Then if he hurts her in any way, remove him calmly but firmly from the situation and don't reward his behaviour with lots of attention. What he wants is her attention, not yours, although he may well also be enjoying the flurry of activity he can provoke so easily. She's obviously a long way ahead of him developmentally, so you need to help her to think of ways in which they can play together from time to time: hide and seek, ball games, clapping games, for example. You may also need to monitor their joint activities a bit more closely than you're currently doing, and actively show him how to play in the way she wants. It'll be some time before he's easily able to join in without wrecking things, so it's important to give them good experiences of playing together in the meantime. Remember, too, to praise your daughter to the skies for not hitting him back.