Live chat with Rebecca Abrams, Monday 3rd September, 9-10 pm

[Justiner]

Rebecca Abrams is an award-winning journalist and author and well-known as a commentator on women, parenthood and feminism. Her latest book: "Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush: Everything You Need to Know About having your second child" gives advice on all aspects of life with a second child, from expectations to going back to work. You can chat live online with Rebecca this Thursday 30th August from 9pm to 10pm. We also have five copies of her book to give away to the first five members to log onto the live discussion.

Hi Rebecca,

We are expecting our second child in 10 weeks at which time our son will be aged 2 1/4. During my maternity leave, our Nanny will be working her usual 4 day week. I wondered if you had any suggestions as to how to best divide up the time with the 2 children between the Nanny and myself. My son is very happy with her, loves her dearly and has a full range of activities with her. As our Nanny stops work as soon as I get in, he is not used to having us both around at the same time.

I would obviously love to use the time to become more involved in his weekday activities but don't want to risk unsettling him but also of course don't want to risk him perceiving me as being the new baby's mother rather than his.

My plan is for the new baby to be 100% breastfed so until I master expressing, there will be a limit as to how much time I can spend solely with my son. Any tips on minimising potential upsets and insecurities would be gratefully received.

Rebecca, one of the things I found hardest about my second pregnancy, and still find this now, a few months into his arrival, is the negativity encountered by every single person I speak to. No one said congratulations on the pregnancy, or congratulations on the birth. Few people cooed over the second baby. All I got was "2 babies - so young?! That's a lot of work for you" I have to say also, that I bought your book and found it so negative. Every page heightened my fears about being able to cope, and made me feel like havoing a second baby was the most stupid thing I could have done. I was glad I read it after the birth, because if it had been during the pregnancy I would never have believed I could have coped. I think your book does women a great disservice.

Hi everyone,
Rebecca has had to postpone the discussion to Monday night (Monday 3rd September 9-10pm). Many apologies if this has caused any inconvenience but be sure to log on Monday to see you questions answered.

Dear Rebecca
Before my question I feel I must offer a different view - sorry Bo. I was delighted when someone gave me your book and have bought it for and lent it to several others. I read it when pregnant and in the absence of antenatal classes it made me feel as if I was at least doing some preparation for the new arrival and that when the big event happened I would have some idea of what to expect and some coping mechanisms. One of the most helpful images was the one that compares the impact on the toddler of bringing the newborn home to the way you would feel if your partner brought home a new lover and said they'd be sleeping with them now - sorry I'm paraphrasing rather illiterately - sleep deprivation - but it just made so much sense and has helped me deal with my little girl's tantrums and tears with much more patience - in fact my husband thinks I'm being over-sensitive to her needs at the expense of spending any time with the baby- is this possible? - it's only been four weeks and she's so obviously still trying to come to terms with it all? My other question is do you have any tips on dealing with toddler's bathtime and bedtime and a wingey baby at the same time? My two and a half year old is not great at going to bed and needs a good 40 minute routine to get her down. The baby is also pretty unsettled around this time. If I bring the baby upstairs she gets very upset that he's going to be sleeping with us and it takes an age , and lots of tears and bribes to get her down, but I don't really want to leave him howling downstairs alone for 40 minutes. Is there anytbing you can suggest to make this tricky time easier?

Dear Rebecca,

I am a father and I read your book while waiting for the second child. I was rather confused by your attitude to fathers - could you advise?

On the one hand, you argue that they are important and give quite a list of instructions about what they should or should not do. You say fathers avoid their responsibilities. There is an index entry, “fathers, home avoidance strategies of” referring to a section on how fathers avoid home when there is a second child. (But in this section you just say that when men talk to you in your kitchen they are actually just avoiding their children.) When I read the book, I could feel a lot of anger directed at fathers.

On the other hand, it is clear that you don’t want fathers to be too involved. I was struck by your comment that you don’t want fathers colonising that part of their children’s hearts that is forever mummy’s. This implies you want to restrict the extent to which children love their fathers.

You also claim that shared parenting makes parents unhappier, but on the other hand, it is clear from your description that single parenting is horrendously difficult and you emphasise the high rate of mental illness among mothers of young children. That makes shared parenting a truly awful prospect!

My wife and I have come to a radically different way of organising our childcare, by sharing it. We have realised that the more children of this age see of their parents, the less they have to compete for attention and so it is our job to give them all the time we can, even if that means some pretty tough decisions about work - for a workaholic like me, it's not the work that's the problem but my addiction to it! (I live in a rural area and I keep finding other fathers who have given up the golden handcuffs for a life that includes time with their kids.) My wife is just about to start part-time work and I am about to reduce my working hours – it is great to have the children all day and know one is going to have a holiday at work the next day! We have hardly had any jealousy problems between the girls and we are as happy as we have ever been.

D

Rebecca - no question, just thanks. I really enjoyed your book. My two boys are 22 months apart, and many things you said rang true for me. Although I have not find it extremely difficult to have two (now 2 and 4), it certainly is very different. Reading your book was a great encouragement to me.

This is a test

Hi,Rebecca. I am the happy mother of two sons, aged 2 and 7. They have (to date!) got on fabulously well. Although two is hard work, we rub along fine. I suppose this is why I have not referred to your book.

However, when I was pregnant I do remember feeling apprehensive about having a second child - so many people nowadays seem to opt for one child - so I can see your book fills a growing need for advice.

Can I ask you, how do you encourage a second toddler to 'be his own person'? My youngest copies my oldest son, and I can see him developing similar likes and dislikes. As my 2 year old grows up, I want him to be confident to stand alone and think for himself. I don't want him to slavishly join my oldest son if he is naughty. Especially relevant when my oldest hits puberty while my youngest is at primary school. I know this is taking the long view!

I don't know if you cover the two-sibling family this far, but any thoughts to point us in the right direction would be greatly appreciated.

Rebecca,
I'm sure this is a question you get asked endlessly but what do you think the optimal gap is between a first and second child - both for the kids and the parents?

Hi Rebecca,
I've got a 19-month-old son and he has been a fantastic baby since he was born. I would love another baby but I believe it would be better to wait until he is old enough for me to explain and him to understand what is happening. Do you think that would make any difference or would another baby appearing not really be tough on him? Your views would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Batters,
My advice to you and your partner is: talk, talk and talk some more. It's not at all uncommon for couples to feel ready for another child at different times, but there's not a single doubt in my mind that if the mother's not ready, it's not the right time. However, it's really important that this doesn't become a source of resentment or buried anger between you, so do keep the issue alive and try and see things from each other's point of view. You don't say how old your first child is, what kind of birth you had and how things have been since. It's quite possible that you just need more time to feel ready for a second child. And what is the rush anyway? Enjoy this precious time alone with your firstborn. You ask what the major issues are, and, well, yes, that is a big question. The answers are, of course, all in my book!

Hi Rebecca,
I wonder do you have any feelings about age gaps between siblings and what is optimal for child and parent?

Hi Rebecca. Sorry, I haven't read your book as I only have one child at the moment! I thoroughly enjoy having my son, who is now 2, but I had a very traumatic birth and suffered from panic attacks and mild depression after he was born. In your experience, is having a second child worse, I mean, am I likely to experience worse feelings of depression? I tend to think that I coped and am now over it, and that the fact it was all so new and different directly contributed to the panicky feelings. I hope that I'll be more experienced second time round - do you think that is a valid point or am i just being naive?

I'm expecting my 2nd at New Year - do you have any tips for encouraging my first daughter, who will be just 2 yrs old, to be involved with the new baby, rather than feeling displaced by it, also bearing in mind that at 2 she won't be totally competant herself at, for eg, dressing, washing etc

Hi Rebecca,
I have a son and a daughter a year and a half apart. They're still young - eldest is four and a half but I'm just beginning to think about how long before they should have separate bathtimes. I reckon i've got a few years yet, but just wondered if you had a view?

As someone with a 7 month old daughter who has just started thinking about a second child your book sounds really interesting - My instinct is to just start trying now, the one reason against this is that my husband, by agreement( he was very ambivalent about having children tho' does now dote on his daughter), does pratically nothing - he pays for a cleaner 6 hours a week and I only work 2 days and in return I do all the childcare. I tend to think 'oh I'll cope, people do' especially as my daughter is a really 'easy' baby but maybe I'm being naive...

How much bad behaviour do you tolerate and for how long after the arrival of the newborn?
My daughter ( two yrs 9 months)is lovely with her new baby brother but 5 weeks in her general naughtiness is getting beyond a joke, partic when I'm around (she's fne with her nanny three days a week). This w/e she bit me for the first time, it wasn't at all malicious a real attention seeking stunt, but it hurt so it worked I shouted - she didn't care. Today she stole another child's favourite blanket and I ended up chasing her round the table yelling at her like something from a carry on film. I don't believe in smacking but have found myself saying - do you want a smack? and meaning it - Most of me understands and wants to help her deal with jealousy,etc but a large part of me thinks she's sussed my sensitive side out and is just seeing how far she can push me. I want to make allowances, but I don't want to end up with a spoilt brat? What do you suggest?

Dear Bells 1,
You're going to have good support after your second child is born, which is great, and will really help the whole process of adjusting - for both you and your son. How to divide time between two children is a big issue though, and you're right to give it some consideration in advance. A wise health visitor I interviewed for my book gave this advice: 'Lavish attention on your firstborn.' I wish I'd spoken to her three years earlier, because after my second child was born, I did the opposite. I wanted to spend all my time with the baby - it felt like a biological imperative: my whole body wanted to respond to his needs. In retrospect I realised that it was really my first child who needed me most in those early weeks and months. So, in response to your question, I would play it a little by ear: see what kind of baby you get - they're all different! - but make yourself very available to your son. However well he gets on with the nanny, you are his mother, and he will need plenty of reassurance from you that he is still your beloved son. Also, in the longterm, splitting the care of your children too rigidly may cause problems with how you relate to each of them later on. The fact is, you're going to have to make the transition from being a mother of one to being a mother of two some time, and the sooner you start, the easier it is. So many mothers say they feel guilty about not giving enough time to one child or other, but the smart ones remember that their younger one has never known it any different: it's the firstborn who's having to make the big adjustment. I think this really is such an important issue that there are two whole chapters devoted to it in my book, with lots of practical suggestions for helping the firstborn.

Dear Bo,
Seriously, I'm sorry you felt that way, but I never imagined my book would please everyone. I particularly wanted to write something for the many mothers who are struggling a bit with the transition to two children, and usually feeling very, very alone, and as if it's all somehow their fault. Still, I'm glad to hear you're not one of them! All the best.

Rebecca,
my two girls are 22 months apart and are very close and in fact my younger daughter has just inherited her older sisters friends, now the older one is going to start school. Do you have any ideas about dealing with my toddler missing her older sister while she is at school?

Dear Rebecca,

I am here after all tonight. I would love to have your response to the message I posted earlier - the one from a dad.

Dear CL,
Thank you for that vote of confidence! Sleep routines with a toddler and a new born - yes, well, they don't call it the 'arsenic hour' for nothing. It's so tricky when very young children both want all of your attention at exactly the same time, and very stressful. My immediate thought is can you reduce the amount of time you're having to spend putting your elder child to bed? Is it possible to give her some undivided attention earlier in the evening when the baby's a little less fractious, and then maybe 'buy' some time with the baby by getting her to listen to story or song tapes? Alternatively can you get another adult in to help out for this hour of the evening? If you don't have any neighbours or friends or babysitters who could help, why not contact HomeStart, an organisation set up to provide local volunteers (all parents themselves) to help parents of under-5s in precisely this kind of way.
One other thing: you're right about your firstborn being very new to this sibling game. Could I gently and politely inform your husband that 4 weeks is nothing. It takes more like a year for the firstborn really to settle down.

Dear Duncan,
I admire you greatly - it takes a lot of courage to step out of the rat race, look at your life and make the kind of decisions that you and your wife have done. My last book, The Playful Self, was all about how we need to resist the pressure to work all the hours there are and to put it into the context of our lives as a whole - but you seem to have got further down the road of actually doing this than I have! Your children are undoubtedly very lucky and I'm sure you're right to say they're benefitting from the way you and your wife organise your time with them. You're also right to detect a bit of anger towards fathers in my book. So many women find, as I did, that this phase of parenting can put an awful lot of pressure on their relationship with their partner. The inescapable needs and demands of small children, the lack of time, sleep, money, mental and emotional space can make life feel very overwhelming, and however supportive one's partner, if he has this marvellous escape route of going out to work each morning, leaving you trapped (as if often feels) with these two devouring little creatures, you have to be a pretty saintly woman not to feel on the aggrieved side from time to time. I wouldn't want to think everyone has this experience, but I know - from my own research and other people's - that it's more usual than not. My philosophy in my book was to talk about the things we mothers go through that so often don't get talked about, and this is definitely one of them. But, yes, fathers are very important indeed, and the more they're around, and the more involved they can be with their children, the better. On that score I am quite clear.

What age do you think siblings can start sharing rooms. Ideally I'd like to move our baby in with his older brother at 6 months (broter will be 3 and a half) but is that too early in terms of a) safety for the baby and b) disturbed nights?