Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

[snowleopard]

I have absolutely no problem with "the idea of being lovely to your DH and taking care of your house" - insofar as it's equal, and we both do it. I work part-time, but even if I didn't, I'd be doing childcare full-time which is a hard job and I still expect DP to do his share of looking after the house.

It is the inequality that grates, not the sentiment itself. Of course married people should make an effort to be nice to each other and patient and kind, though we can't always manage it. The question is, why is that book aimed at wives? Why not just married people?

[thumbwitch]

You know, one of the things I like best about my DH is that he is pretty self-aware, and he knows that (among other things) he is more of a taker than a giver.

So the more I give, the more he will take and the balance will continue to tip further and further until the whole thing falls over.

And THAT is why I wouldn't dream of taking up your challenge.

[dsrplus8]

spot on snow!!! can someone bring out a book that tells men to be nicer to their wives/ girlfreinds?. wouldnt mind someone running after my every whim.oh the irony!!!

[Chirpygirl]

Just read OP and other posts to DH (it's an ad break so I am allowed to talk...) and his response to me asking what he woudl think.

I'd want to know if you had been smoking anything you shouldn't have. And what had you spent all my money on

[thumbwitch]

Dittany - especially the bit about angelic character to control your anger - ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!
And please just step on me to wipe the mud and shit off your shoes as you go...

[sweetgrapes]

That's the bit that sounds ok to me (being nice to each other).

I snap at Dh at the slightest thing and we end up quarelling.(He does the same) If we both relax a bit and let go, then it's a much easier relationship and we can be friends again.

The bristling thing for the ironing. It is extreme. I didn't do it for years and finally caved and did his ironing because now he's working really long hours.

But he still does it when he can and appreciates it when I do it.

However, if I hadn't bristled all those years, I doubt he would appreciate my touching the iron. It would jsut be my job and 'hey haven't you done it yet?'.

[BennyAndJoon]

I have just read some of this to DH (who is working away) and he said "please never do that I would wonder what I had done wrong, and it wouldn't be coming home to you"

so that's a no vote

[BEAUTlFUL]

The equality thing... The balance is, men bring in all the money and have all the work pressures. In return, you look after the house & kids, and carry all those pressures. Men also oh, I'm looking forward to you all hearing this! control the money and decide how it's spent, pay all the bills, etc.

Er, anyone?

[thumbwitch]

ah feck off, you're having a laugh now.
And I work from home as well and have just pointed out to DH that, far from him bringing in the vast majority of the money, there is in fact only a matter of £100-200 difference between our monthly incomes.

[solidgoldbrass]

Beautiful: what happens to the deal when Hubby loses his job or spunks all the money on beer and the bookies?

[sweetgrapes]

Posted a bit late...

at dittany's post.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm not taking up beautifuls offer.

[Tortington]

amature psychology for a minute...

the house and the kids were getting on top of you, the relationship was in a rut, and you found a book that helped you get on top of the stuff at home.

this made you feel more in control and helped you be nicer to each other.

becuase you didn't like who you had become, the frumpy shit and sick covered unkempt , down in the dumps mum of two - with no identity, feeling lost in the world without lable other than "mum" or "wife"

i think that actually quite a lot of people can relate to the out of control feeling you talked about - when housework piles up etcetc - thats why the flylady threads are so successful.

so i can completely understand you wanting to seize control of your life, give it a lable and have a kind of mission statement to work towards rather than aimlessly flaying.

I hope beyond all hopes that when the giddy feeling of joy happiness and greatfulness wears off...that your dh doesn't come to expect and demand these things.

i hope that, you are not designing yourself a future at the expense of another future.

[beanieb]

Beautiful - why does this make you feel good?

[BEAUTlFUL]

Really -- why is it second place to be at home, looking after a family? Why? I hate how we have been made to feel that staying at home is demeaning, and "second class", and a waste of time. I absolutely hate that.

[Tortington]

was really digging deep to try and understand you with the last post.

but the finances thing is scary. thats too important to fuck around with this way.

i beg you with all my heart and soul, please please keep in the loop with money.

i am getting quite upset actually

[Quattrocento]

I think you need medical help.

Or maybe you need to get a life

Or maybe a job

Or maybe you should emigrate to the US Bible belt and grow your hair long and practice being properly submissive

Or why don't you take your line of thinking to its logical conclusion, and emigrate to downtown Kabul. They don't bother educating women there. After all, there's no need.

Farking stepford wives. This is MN. You know. The home of intelligent feisty irascible and frequently drunken women.

[Tortington]

staying at home isn't second class.

it isn't and no one is saying it is. there are plently of sahms - what you are advocating isn't that.

its some 50's utopia that neve fucking existed int his country. it just didn't

[sweetgrapes]

Spot on custardo.

That's what 'keeping on top of everything' does for me.

More importantly, it means I am not running around like a headless chicken all day and actually have time to mn study at the end of the day so I can go back to work!

So, yes I am managing my day better when I think it's all my job and don't expect dh to pitch in - but not for dh's benefit - for my own benefit.

[Chirpygirl]

Its not that being at home is second class, I dont think that at all. What you are suggesting is subjugation and making yourself a second class citizen in favour of your husband. That is what the problem is.
Why should all his stresses and troubles be eased and not ours?

[Quattrocento]

Oy Beauty. You are a loon

Custy. Do not be disturbed or upset by this poster.

It's probably some hairy-arsed trucker sitting on the other end of that laptop. Typing out his fantasy of a submissive and beautiful wife.

Do not engage with the loons

Fark off now, loony loony loon

[solidgoldbrass]

Beautiful: being a SAHM is only demeaning if you get told that it's your destiny because you don't have a penis. Some people make great SAHPs, they find housework satisfying or at least not hateful but more importantly they are really good at interacting with small children and thoroughly enjoy it. But SAHPs are only really going to be happy and satisfied if their partners genuinely appreciate them and it's understood that the partnership is a partnership and a joint project, not a case of one partner being the servant of the other in return for food and lodging.
There is a genuine problem with society only valuing wage-earners, but the root of the problem lies in the idea that all the caring-type work should be done by women for no money because women exist to service men.

[thumbwitch]

I expect, Beautiful, that you'll be quite happy when your overlord decides that you have stepped out of line and that you need beating into submission, with a stick no thicker than his little finger.

Seriously, this has gone beyond a joke. No one is saying there is anything wrong with being a SAHM, or that it is in any way second class. It is as valid and important a job as going out to earn a living - BUT it doesn't mean you have to become a domestic doormat with no access to the money at the same time.