Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I've never read any James Bond books...are they as enjoyably daft as the films?

I never got past chapter one of Casino Royale in which Ian Fleming demonstrated, with absolute clarity, he didn't understand the first thing about workings of a toilet cistern or the way that water will find its own level if displaced.

Anyone remember Louise Bagshawe? I remember one where the heroine was a bit plump and unrefined, and had no formal clothes to wear to her first day working at an estate agent’s, so she wore a Laura Ashley bridesmaids dress. She found herself surrounded by leggy blonde gorgeousness and a creepy boss but because she was always too busy to eat lunch she was a size eight in no time, and once she got the hang of her hair and make up men would practically fall over at the sight of her in the street. She bought an amazing capsule wardrobe of a few key pieces in fawn and black and voila, a successful career woman was born, and THEN she was able to find love 🙄😂

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Anyone remember Louise Bagshawe? I remember one where the heroine was a bit plump and unrefined, and had no formal clothes to wear to her first day working at an estate agent’s, so she wore a Laura Ashley bridesmaids dress. She found herself surrounded by leggy blonde gorgeousness and a creepy boss but because she was always too busy to eat lunch she was a size eight in no time, and once she got the hang of her hair and make up men would practically fall over at the sight of her in the street. She bought an amazing capsule wardrobe of a few key pieces in fawn and black and voila, a successful career woman was born, and THEN she was able to find love 🙄😂

I don't remember this but if I did, I'd make a point of forgetting it.

There are quite a lot of chick lot books where the lead is really difficult to like. I hadn't given it much thought until this thread.

Yes I read that one @SmidgeonPigeon she was so clueless about makeup and clothes ,but she went home and read a magazine article? Or something ( must have been the days before you tube) and overnight transformed herself ,I think by the end of the book she was successfully running a number of her own gyms?

Yes I think so @x2boys, she read a few copies of Elle and missed about three days worth of lunches and went from a 12 to an 8.

I never really read chick lit, wasn't very drawn to it for some reason. This might be why...Mind you, it's not as though escapism for men is much more plausible.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Yes I think so *@x2boys*, she read a few copies of Elle and missed about three days worth of lunches and went from a 12 to an 8.

Size 12? She must have been enormous. No wonder nobody loved her.

Isn't Louise Bagshawe the one who became a politician under a different surname (married name maybe)?

You’re right. Louise Bagshawe ended up the Conservative MP for Corby in 2010!

In my early 20s, first job, new life on my own in a new (touristy) place in winter, a colleague's family took pity on me and invited me to stay with them at weekends in their small, family run hotel, which was only open for guests from Easter to the end of September.

It was absolutely freezing (guest bedroom floors not heated in winter) and there was no en-suite, but the room had a sea view and they were absolutely lovely people who welcomed me into the heart of their family.

The other big draw was a bookcase outside my bedroom door full of nothing but Mills and Boone books.

I had never read any before but quite enjoyed the first one. And the second. By the third, the plot felt strangely repetitive, almost as if it had been written to a formula.

I noticed that the first kiss (always dismissed as an accident, moment of passion/ kindness/ frustration etc. These were definitely more innocent times) took place on page 42 of all three novels.

In the end, we had all the books open along the floor in the corridor- in over half of them, the first kiss was on page 42, and the realisation of the true worth of the main characters by one another came 3 pages from the end. We also enjoyed the high percentage of men with a 'gritty chin' - not something I would think was universally attractive? Absolutely formula driven, but so reassuringly predictable.

I also loved the character names in an era when most people I knew were called Jane, Susan, Clare or Louise. Who wouldn't prefer Storme, Wilde, Lindis or Bellafiore?

Happy times.

I thought your first two paragraphs were the opening of a novel @Scarby9🤣

@SmidgenofaPigeon

The thing is Adele Parks wrote some blinding chick lit back in the day. Playing Away, Larger than Life, Game over, they really good, I don’t know what happened.

Im not sure how you get the Sperm from a used conform inside you 🤔 or why most of it hadn’t spilled out in the bin. Maybe he tied a handy knot in it

Another thing when men write woman (apart from all the pert breasts and luscious hair) they PAD everywhere. ‘I padded into the bedroom’ ‘I padded across the floor’

WHY? have you got an Always Ultra stuck on the bottom of each foot?

I loooved Adele Parks back in the day, Playing Away was one of my absolute favourites.

The last few have been very meh. Lisa Jewel is still pretty good tbf. I jacked a Jane Green in half way through last time I bought one of hers, can't even remember what it was called. Jemima J, Babyville and Mr Maybe were all favourites years ago, and I think she did The Other Woman as well.

Biscuitsanddoombar

The one where the former First Lady of the US runs away and is not recognised by anyone at all, and comes in second in a lookalike contest of herself

Not looking so unlikely now, in the age of Donald and Melania and her possible doubles...
Love a good conspiracy theory, me
Certainly, the running away bit would have made sense.

Ellmau

DC nkata who is black starts to be referred to frequently as “the black” I mean wtaf? Her ideas about working class british ppl do/eat/behave are mond bogglingly awful & tje writing is so bad it’s genuinely hard to believe it’s the same person writing the last books as it was the first few

I read some of the Elizabeth George books.
Don't remember getting as far as that description of DC Nkata (wtaf? indeed) but always wondered if EG was American or something because the UK she described was that of Hollywood films, imo.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

I love the Chalet School.

Me too!
There was the other oft repeated advice to wear your tinted goggles as otherwise you would invariably get snow blindness.
And you had to wear a shawl crossed over your chest and under your jacket, iirc.
Especially Joey. Otherwise she'd get brain fever or something, nearly die and grow another couple of inches.

@x2boys
It could easily have been! Young single woman, freshly broken up with her first love, new place, new job, invited to stay in a big empty building with fabulous sea views. A great set up for either a chicklit or a horror novel...

Sadly, no mysterious, taciturn, gritty-chinned stranger came to fit an ensuite in my single glazed bedroom, from which all you could see or hear was the pounding grey North Sea.

Maybe I should write a novel of what should have happened? Now let me just think of a plausible reason for an unexpected kiss on page 42....

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Anyone remember Louise Bagshawe? I remember one where the heroine was a bit plump and unrefined, and had no formal clothes to wear to her first day working at an estate agent’s, so she wore a Laura Ashley bridesmaids dress. She found herself surrounded by leggy blonde gorgeousness and a creepy boss but because she was always too busy to eat lunch she was a size eight in no time, and once she got the hang of her hair and make up men would practically fall over at the sight of her in the street. She bought an amazing capsule wardrobe of a few key pieces in fawn and black and voila, a successful career woman was born, and THEN she was able to find love 🙄😂

I must stand up for Louise Bagshawe. I loved her books in the 90's. They were unrealistic but I think they were supposed to be. I wanted to be a successful novelist so I emailed her. Back in the day her email address was in the blurb at the end of her books. I didnt expect a reply but she did reply and we exchanged a few emails. She was lovely and gave me lots of hints and tips so for this I love her

What a great thread!!
I loved Jane Green et al in my20s. Would only touch Marian Keyes w a barge pole now, but even she’s gone off the boil. I know about her mental health struggles, and she’s a lovely lady (saw her speak about a year ago), but not enjoying her books as much. Too much waffle in Grown Ups.
I hate the phrase ‘[name of person who has died/left etc] shaped hole’ - first time I read it I thought it was clever, then it was in the next book & the next 😆 massively overused.

Louise Bagshawe is Louise Mensch. Elizabeth George is American.

Minette Walters is another one who is terrible at writing outside her own sphere of experience. I read one set partly on a 90s council estate where the ethnic yoof talked about "the rozzers". Like, as if.

Mills & Boon are definitely written to a formula. The writers are given all sorts of instructions about what to write and when.

Louise Bagshawe is Louise Mensch!!

I too loved Louise Bagshawe's books, in my teens, but what blew my mind later on was that she had written Peter Mensch into one of her books as a character (can't remember the name but it was about 2 girls who were rivals after being at Oxford University) and then years later she married him?! Anyone else find that crazy? Maybe she already knew him but I'm sure at least he was married to someone else before. Possibly even she was the OW? I might need to read back into it now!

Sorry notafan I was a bit slow in replying and hadn't refreshed the page...

Scarby9

You're absolutely right about the M&B formula.
In my teens I read some of them and decided to write one as they were obviously so easy to churn out.*

So I joined the M&B mail order club where they sent you a dozen books free initially, which you could keep even if you immediately cancelled your membership and paid nothing.
In fact, I joined twice , so ended up with 24 gratis for research.

Went through them all and drew up a spreadsheet as it would be called now (no computers then) of things like:

heroines' characteristics: well over 50% blonde; red/auburn were much less common back then. The most popular style was a page boy (usually described as a "golden bell of hair swinging softly around her face");

hero: nearly always had dark hair and dark eyes (that could darken further, usually with anger or lust... sorry, passion)**. Occasionally he was fair but never auburn.

you're dead right about the first kiss (usually end off chapter 2, beginning of chapter 3, iirc); our heroine is inevitably outraged, usually because she didn't expect it and often hadn't been kissed before (at least not properly). Besides, due to the obstacle required by the plot, she hates him.

the other big moment was our hero getting to second base: "She felt the blood turn to fire in her veins as his lips parted against her tremulous mouth and his strong hand gently caressed the swell of her breast..."
Followed by the inevitable "No!", gasped by our heroine who was expected to be a virgin until marriage - or, at least, engagement - back in the day. Hero does stop, but isn't happy. Darkened eyes a-go-go and breath coming heavily, sometimes in pants*;

the Bitch who wants our hero and looks down on our heroine was usually brunette, older than our heroine and very well-groomed; usually wore immaculate makeup (not needed by the ingenue with page boy).

*They really weren't, as I discovered.

**Reminds me of people posting pictures of their eyes on MN and saying things like "They change from blue to green according to my mood". Riiight...
At least "darkened" is more metaphorical.

*Possibly like our hero, depending on how far things had gone.

I love the Chalet School precisely because it's so addictively awful -- absolutely to the repeated advice about bending your knees walking uphill (even if the alternative suggests the Ministry of Funny Walks, or possible military-style goosestepping?), snow blindness, not letting the tips of your skis cross (which was fuck all help the first time I ski'ed), and the deliciousness of the Chalet School food (particularly the delectable Kaffee und Kuchen) meaning that no sensible girl ever hankered after midnight feasts. Plus the fact that universally beloved Joey, whom only the most villainous characters disliked, becomes in adulthood the most repellently smug, intrusive and performatively schoolgirlish creature in literature.

In a sitcom, she would be the awful nosy neighbour who 'pops in' through the French windows at the worst possible moments shouting 'Cooeee! Only meee!'

Need two more asterisks in there.
Talk about rubbish proofreading.
Tsk!