Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

Except she then always puts their weight as 12stone (and this is continuously mentioned throughout) considering I am 12 stone and a size 12-14 it makes me feel like some kind of elephant

I don't know why women writers mention their female characters weight. Do we ever hear about it in the same way regarding a male protagonist? Stupid question really, as a man would never see the number on the scales as a barrier to success/love/happiness in the same way that women do, whatever the number is.

I looked up the reviews for the Jane Green book I mentioned upthread and her 'fat' character is actually a mere 14 stone, but is described as having huge fat rolls and a double chin, and unless she's 4ft 2, which is unlikely, as our heroine is usually tall (not always though), it's not that grotesque, or wouldn't be in real life. She ends the book as a 'curvy' size 12 🙄

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

I read a crime novel recently (or what I thought was a crime novel.) It turned out people's clothes were killing them

Was this a certain male author with the initials GM?

@BlueTongueSkink

Smidgen and onlyjustme I so agree about the 'padded' thing. I hate it. I don't even know why it annoys me so much but it's in SO many books and really, really irritates me!

Yes! She got out of bed and padded to the door/bathroom/wherever.......

We Need To Talk About Kevin - mainly the awful husband. We're either supposed to believe the narrator, who is a globetrotting, imaginative, freewheeling type, fell in love with an obnoxious, controlling, homophobic, dull Trump supporter type or the fact of becoming a father turned him into one overnight.

I also found the narrator's reason for having Kevin in the first place not very credible (she doesn't seem to have any interest in kids at all), but I guess that isn't as implausible as the husband.

It's held up as this clever insight into parenthood, but to me the whole novel reads as though someone who can't bear the thought of having children and can't even imagine why anyone would want to be a parent decided to write out their very worst nightmare.

The stand out for me was a book that that'd off as standard chick lit.... I wasn't expecting amazing things but from the first few chapters I thought would be an enjoyable, light read. Until suddenly the main character turned invisible...yes, literally turned invisible!

The rest of the book focused on her trying to avoid other people finding out she was invisible, and her and her boyfriend figuring out they could have sex if she was in the shower as he could see her outline in the water. It was BIZARRE and the author was trying to use it as a metaphor about the character not feeling seen. I got it on my kindle and the amazon reviews had been very good so I was bemused at the "twist", I've been very wary of amazon reviews ever since!!

*started off, sorry

Patricia Cornwell's first Kay Scarpetta novel "Postmortem". I was loving it and expected it to have a really clever Conan-Doyle-esque ending to wrap it up. But no. In the end, they identified the killer because of an unusual sweat disorder that made him leave a syrupy odour at the scenes of his crimes....

I read the Jack Reacher books to my husband. They're contrived at the best of time and SO badly written. Sentences of 2 or 3 words at a time. And some things described in pointless detail, especially fight scenes. In the last book there was a fight scene where the final part could be described as "she surprised herself by punching him in the throat and he fell to the ground", which was dragged out for 2 pages. I kid you not, two whole pages for that one line.

Plus Jack Reacher knows everything about everything and is so bloody smug.

My dd bought this as part of my Christmas present because she said it had 5 star reviews and was top of Richard and Judy’s and the Times best seller list. So she thought I might enjoy it. Bewildered as to how these claims could be justified I asked the opinion of readers on the mumsnet what are we reading thread. The opinions were the same as mine. All I can say is as I laboured on to the end ( as it was a present) I became more and more incredulous until I closed the book with cries of WTF. She has written 20 books in 20 years and I think it shows. I then went onto Richard Osman’s The Thursday Murder Club (another present) and it was like a wonderful balm to a troubled soul. So what about those reviews?

this was a while ago and I feel a bit bad about adding it here.. but... Trumpet by Jackie Kay. Loved it, brilliant, fascinating book. Then about a year later I re-read it and noticed something I hadn't before. Right at the start, a non-attending doctor issues a death certificate for a death at home.

WTAF? She would have been struck off. Surely an editor should have picked THAT up.

Had to give the book to Oxfam....

Also JKR really really needed editing - everything from the third book on far too baggy.

I think when publishers know people will buy it anyway they just don't want to pay for the input. No consideration of producing the best book possible.

I loathe Barbara Trapido. Smug as fuck. Just putting that out there

I once read a Patricia Cromwell where Kay Scarpetta’s niece was a CIA agent under cover in Germany. Supposed to perfectly blend in. She said three words in German and made four mistakes

@Byllis

We Need To Talk About Kevin - mainly the awful husband. We're either supposed to believe the narrator, who is a globetrotting, imaginative, freewheeling type, fell in love with an obnoxious, controlling, homophobic, dull Trump supporter type or the fact of becoming a father turned him into one overnight.

I also found the narrator's reason for having Kevin in the first place not very credible (she doesn't seem to have any interest in kids at all), but I guess that isn't as implausible as the husband.

It's held up as this clever insight into parenthood, but to me the whole novel reads as though someone who can't bear the thought of having children and can't even imagine why anyone would want to be a parent decided to write out their very worst nightmare.

Ahh no! I've just started reading this! It seemed to be recommended on another thread about books with a good twist at the end .

I remember reading two chick lit books by different authors that had a scene where the heroine cooked a meal that went disastrously wrong. But it was exactly the same meal and it went wrong in exactly the same way - starter - bruschetta (got burnt) - main course - dish with chillies but heroine didn't know smaller chillies are hotter than big ones so dish was too hot to eat - pudding, chocolate mousse that didn't set.
I wondered if they'd had the same editor!

I have to confess I quite enjoyed the first Shopaholic, the NYC one was obviously far fetched but quite readable- then I read one where she found her long lost half sister but didn’t think they’d get on because she lived in Lancaster and liked hiking and wore a fleece. And then there’s a big thing about a handbag, I forget what, and Becky Bloomwood hikes up a mountain in heels and eats a Kendal mint cake, and has to be dramatically rescued. Then she discovers that her half sister is not so bad really and it’s ok to enjoy someone’s company even if they wear North Face clothes.

@Missushbb The only India Knight I remember reading was one that was given away with a magazine. I only remember that I wasn't impressed with it, so it might have been that one. I also remember there was a copy of the freebie book in almost every charity shop I visited for about 5 years after.

Ahh reviews/recommendations, another bete noir of mine.

I started my audible subscription 2 years ago. I didn’t want to waste my credit so looked to reviews before ordering. Holy smokes, did the reviewer actually read the same book as me?

The worst source for recommendations was definitely Buzzfeed ( I know, I know, I was trying to be ‘young and cool’). Every single one of the recommendations I got from them was utter drivel. My new rule of thumb - if Buzzfeed recommends it, don’t go anywhere near it, not even in an emergency like a hospital waiting room or weekend at the in laws..

I've read quite a few of the books mentioned with similar thoughts about the quality 😂

No-one has mentioned Karen Rose yet; queen of the one-plot wonder. Every hero is (very) tall, gorgeous and damaged. Nearly every heroine has red hair, is slim and gorgeous and they all fall into bed after 24hrs or less, have mind blowing sex and say "I love you" in less than a week. All while she is being pursued by a serial killer that only the hero can save her from. Absolute tosh which she has repeated for 20-ish books. The amount of sex has increased with every book and it is ALWAYS mind blowing. I've read them all 😂😂😂

@Byllis

We Need To Talk About Kevin - mainly the awful husband. We're either supposed to believe the narrator, who is a globetrotting, imaginative, freewheeling type, fell in love with an obnoxious, controlling, homophobic, dull Trump supporter type or the fact of becoming a father turned him into one overnight.

I also found the narrator's reason for having Kevin in the first place not very credible (she doesn't seem to have any interest in kids at all), but I guess that isn't as implausible as the husband.

It's held up as this clever insight into parenthood, but to me the whole novel reads as though someone who can't bear the thought of having children and can't even imagine why anyone would want to be a parent decided to write out their very worst nightmare.

Isn't that part of the narrative though? Her clear ambivalence towards having to be a parent and her wondering if that was the issue with her son?

It's been a long time since I read it so could be misremembering!

@SomewhatBored

I remember reading two chick lit books by different authors that had a scene where the heroine cooked a meal that went disastrously wrong. But it was exactly the same meal and it went wrong in exactly the same way - starter - bruschetta (got burnt) - main course - dish with chillies but heroine didn't know smaller chillies are hotter than big ones so dish was too hot to eat - pudding, chocolate mousse that didn't set. I wondered if they'd had the same editor!

One of these was Mr Maybe by Jane Green when the "heroine" Libby tried to cook for her rich boyfriend and her parents. I loved it in my early twenties. Now I just think it was shallow shite.

Yes, CheeseandLobster - Mr Maybe! I wish I could remember the other one - it was something a bit silly where the heroine was a witch (in the definitely supernatural sense rather than the wise healer woman sense).

Just finished Summer at skylark Farm. I do like reading " chick lit" and easy reading type stuff like this but this was basic and boring. The characters were weird, acting one way, then a few lines later acting the opposite with no real explanation, like the author hasn't given them any type of personality. Some of the things she wrote about a character having an abortion in another book I felt were outdated and showed the author's personal view.

Bridget Jones also had a scene with a dinner party gone wrong (although not that menu). I suppose it was trying to get away from the notion that women were natural cooks, but who attempts to cook a sophisticated, complicated dinner for 6 on their first try

Vague and incorrect geography annoys me. I've been utterly turned against Jenny Colgan because of the inconsistency in terms of where her Island is located. It's meant to be somewhere inbetween the Fair Isle and Shetland but is also close enough to Glasgow for folk to get the ferry to. For the day.

But you wouldn't go to Glasgow, you'd go to Aberdeen. Or Inverness.

And Ruth Jones wrote a book set in Edinburgh. That paid absolutely no attention to the Scottish school system (one character is a primary school teacher) or the geography of Edinburgh. What's the point in setting a novel in a city if you ignore basically everything about it.

I think if you read one of the Shopaholic books or the Cup Cake Cafe in Cornwall type, they are written to a formula so you know what to expect. Every now and then you need some escapist nonsense, but you can't really complain when they're not entirely realistic ! Christmas at the Corona Cafe when they all get furloughed isn't quite so cheery

I think if you read one of the Shopaholic books .... they are written to a formula so you know what to expect.

I much preferred Sophie Kinsella when she was Madeleine Wickham.