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Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

950 replies

SmidgenofaPigeon · 13/01/2021 15:20

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

OP posts:
ohsuzannah · 14/01/2021 14:35

@iklboo

I gave up reading The Dark Tower series when Stephen King wrote himself in as a huge plot device / hero of the story. That was one WTF too far.
Tbh, he wrote himself in as a bit of an idiot, even Roland thinks so. I love the dark Tower books, but I tend to skim past that part ( and later parts where he kills people off Sad)
onlyjustme · 14/01/2021 14:45

@SmidgenofaPigeon

The thing is Adele Parks wrote some blinding chick lit back in the day. Playing Away, Larger than Life, Game over, they really good, I don’t know what happened.

Im not sure how you get the Sperm from a used conform inside you 🤔 or why most of it hadn’t spilled out in the bin. Maybe he tied a handy knot in it Grin

Another thing when men write woman (apart from all the pert breasts and luscious hair) they PAD everywhere. ‘I padded into the bedroom’ ‘I padded across the floor’

WHY? have you got an Always Ultra stuck on the bottom of each foot?

The "padded" thing... I noticed it ages ago and now it is in EVERY book I have read since to the point of me starting to wonder if there is some law or something??? Or it's a glitch in the matrix?

To answer your question... read quite a few with unbelievable events near the end.... tied up in a fire, threatened with a gun, stabbed, etc in some sort of dramatic fight. Can't remember which titles sadly.
Was disappointed by a book that had great promise but was written really badly. The amazing reviews on the back were actually for a DIFFERENT book.
Agree with so much of the above!!!
(Have also read a LOT of really good books)

MaryLennoxsScowl · 14/01/2021 14:49

I waited fucking YEARS for the last few Dark Tower series, hoping that Wolves of the Calla had been a strange blip and it’d get back on track - nope. Hated the last three and have only read each once. Have read the first four many times.

Everyone mentioning Outlander is spot on - don’t ask me how I’ve managed to read them all, but fuck me the later ones are awful for all sorts of reasons. In the context of this thread though, one thing that really annoyed me was that in one, the hero drives from Inverness to Oxford to use the library, and then back again before his wife notices he wasn’t at work - so in about 8 hours. In the 1970s, in a Mini.

Horizons83 · 14/01/2021 14:55

@IntermittentParps

Not a total solution for you, but hopefully of use:

marmaladeandme.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/bens-cookies-at-home.pdf

grannyinapram · 14/01/2021 15:00

this is so funny! I hope it ends up in classics

IntermittentParps · 14/01/2021 15:14

Ooh, thank you, Horizons83!

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 15:22

My favourite so far is the character knocking someone out with his stumps by swinging from the rafters - I read it last night and it’s still making me giggle!

JuniLoolaPalooza · 14/01/2021 15:30

My personal bugbear is the increasingly common trope of the 'fake relationship' (cf Bridgerton). These books are everywhere at the moment, they are so predictable and I don't want to read them!

Adele Parks went right off the boil with a book about a married couple where the woman didn't want children and the husband did, so he tricked her into getting pregnant and then a single chat about her dead mother made her all happy about the pregnancy. It was lunacy! She also wrote a piece in the Guardian about wanting a 2nd child but not getting one which I think it was all about. I've refused to read another of hers since then.

On Rebus, I love Rankin's writing but does Ger Cafferty have to be involved in every single crime ever in Scotland?! It's insanity!

I also hate, when a character is angry how they 'ground out' or 'gritted out' a farewell. One book I read recently the write said this about 7 times a page. So irritating.

grannyinapram · 14/01/2021 15:34

@Whoateallthechocolate

I went off all chick lit books a decade or so ago when, in due to a series of unexpected events, I had to go and live with my parents in Cornwall for a few weeks. Whilst I was there, no one left me a fortune or a cottage, I didn't find a business which was run down for me to step in and magically transform and, whilst my (working full time out of the home) parents took advantage of me being in the house all day every day (limited mobility at the time and a major lack of funds) to arrange for the plumber, chimney sweep, coal man, tree surgeon and various others to come and do whatever jobs needed doing, none of them were handsome, single, under about 70 but, even if they had been, my smile didn't transform my face and nor did they look past the fluffy socks, leggings & my dad's fleece to see how attractive I was (not that I would have ever noticed it of course). Oh, and there wasn't a moment where I suddenly had to appear in a cocktail dress or anything so there wasn't an opportunity for them to sudden notice my beauty. Instead, I was bored, miserable, it rained a lot and the most exciting moment was being chased by a neighbour's goose.
right, finish this, publish and ill add it to my amazon wishlist

GrinGrinGrin

do tell us more about that neighbours goose

Cheeseandlobster · 14/01/2021 15:35

@JustNotFunAnymore Ooh Mango. I had totally forgotten about them. I was a member in the late nineties I think. I also loved the catalogue. But we fell out when they made it near on impossible to cancel. What happened to them?

BlueTongueSkink · 14/01/2021 15:58

Smidgen and onlyjustme I so agree about the 'padded' thing. I hate it. I don't even know why it annoys me so much but it's in SO many books and really, really irritates me!

UserEleventyNine · 14/01/2021 16:07

In Pride and Prejudice she only changes her mind about him when she sees his massive house. Shallow.

I often see this in discussions about P&P, but surely Elizabeth is joking when she says this? It is an established part of her character that she has a lively, teasing wit, and it's also established that she wouldn't marry a man she couldn't love and respect.

Cluas · 14/01/2021 16:08

[quote SarahAndQuack]@Cluas - oh, interesting! That would certainly make better sense (esp. in light of Jonathan's musings about Stella's hair and the 'intricacies of my dear late father's part-Sephardic DNA').

I had visualised it as tortoiseshell like the cats, which are predominantly pale with reddish/dark blotches.

Thank you! I feel a great sense of all being right in the world. Grin

Absolutely agree about 'the blond' in that context. Blee.

And yes, I struggle with bits of Jonathan now, so try not to revisit him too much. I agree with whoever it was first suggested that books change as you age. It's funny - I didn't find him appealing at all when I first read the books aged about 16 (I thought Roger was clearly far more attractive, which is right on cue given Trapido later says he had the sort of delicate looks teenage girls go for). Then I thought Jonathan was great, and now I admit I skim past the sex bits.

I think Trapido has man issues in general (but in a nice, and relatable way). Noah in Noah's Ark is a bit of a dick on the whole, and I find it slightly suss how constantly she sends up her own attraction to Jewish men. I've got to admit that if she were a male writer writing like that about women, we would probably call it objectifying and possibly very slightly racist.

But there we go, I'm ruining my own favourite books! Grin[/quote]
Glad to be of service. I really like Barbara Trapido, too, but she has some bizarre quirks, and absolutely to the Jewish man objectification thing -- and is weirdly drawn to depicting extremely passive, vaguely masochistic women who are often drawn to completely insufferable men (like Stella to the awful Izzy Tench and Katherine to Roger). I was always rather charmed by the Goldmans en masse when I first read Trapido, but my younger sister, to whom I lent my copy of Brother of the More Famous Jack, took against them all immediately, and claims Jane Goldman is one of the most annoying of all literary characters, followed by Katherine, whom she considers a miniskirted, knitting-obsessed Mary-Sue. Grin

I've not reread anything other than BotMFJ and Travelling Hornplayer in years -- I should pull out Juggling from whatever corner it's hiding in.

To the people who are complaining about shit books -- try Barbara Trapido's Brother of the More Famous Jack. It's about an suburban eighteen year old falling in love with her philosophy professor's bohemian, chaotic family, and it's clever, funny, and brilliantly-characterised.

Wearethetwirl · 14/01/2021 16:12

@grannyinapram

this is so funny! I hope it ends up in classics
Agreed! It's provided some much needed lockdown laughs!Grin
SomewhatBored · 14/01/2021 16:16

@UserEleventyNine

In Pride and Prejudice she only changes her mind about him when she sees his massive house. Shallow.

I often see this in discussions about P&P, but surely Elizabeth is joking when she says this? It is an established part of her character that she has a lively, teasing wit, and it's also established that she wouldn't marry a man she couldn't love and respect.

It's established right at the start that Darcy is very rich - if she was out for the money she'd have accepted his first proposal.

At Pemberley, Elizabeth is influenced by a number of things - the housekeeper's opinion of Darcy, for instance, and how generally well-thought-of he is in the area. She notes things such as his having had one of the rooms redecorated as a present to Georgiana - a pleasing sign of kindness. Don't forget, by the time she arrives at Pemberley, she's already well along the route to changing her mind about Darcy, a process which began when she reflected properly on his letter. She certainly admires the house and thinks 'to be mistress of Pemberley would be a fine thing' (or words to that effect) but, if you're inclined towards someone anyway, of course a nice house will be seen as adding to their general attractions.

PenCreed · 14/01/2021 16:17

The Elly Griffiths books' descriptions of Ruth's weight annoy me as well. She's not actually anything like as huge as the writer implies, given that she's not a short woman.

But for truly awful descriptions of weight in a novel, I offer Scarlett Thomas's most recent book, set in a girl's boarding school. The girls are all border line as having eating disorders but the way she writes them it's a clear demonstration that the author HATES people who aren't thin. Properly despises them. I'm not fat, but I'm not super thin either and I felt so much loathing for my body coming off the pages that I really didn't want to finish the book.

Also Victoria Hislop is nowhere near as well-written as the author likes to think it is. I read The Island and have no intention of ever reading any of her others.

Circusoflove · 14/01/2021 16:20

I think people like Adele Parks and Jane Green are more brands than actual authors any more. The publishing houses have in house writers to churn this stuff out and badge it under their names because it sells. Cheap as chips to produce and sells a decent quantity in Tesco’s for people to take on holiday. Nobody is interested in the quality.

Coopz · 14/01/2021 16:25

Is Jane Green still going? I read one of her early books that I got free with a magazine where the main character went into a pub and was disgusted by the horrible stinking working class nastiness of it. And the other one about an overweight character who couldn't be happy til she'd lost loads of weight and bagged the guy (as he obviously couldn't be seen with a fat person). I can't see that one going down well in today's climate. She'd be torn to shreds on Twitter and the like.

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 16:27

But for truly awful descriptions of weight in a novel

Jenny eclair is the worst for this - every single protagonist in her books are middle aged, world weary menopausal women with a weight problem. Except she then always puts their weight as 12stone (and this is continuously mentioned throughout) considering I am 12 stone and a size 12-14 it makes me feel like some kind of elephant and I wonder if Jenny has some kind of issues with her own weight? It comes across as a bit self-loathing to have a similar main character in every single book.

I do find her books very funny though (except the latest one ‘Inheritance’ which I really didn’t enjoy and it had a rubbish ending).

x2boys · 14/01/2021 16:29

Is Jane Greene the author who moved to America and suddenly all her novels were set in middle class ,middle age ,New England,rather than young girl about town in London?

UserEleventyNine · 14/01/2021 16:32

The Elly Griffiths books' descriptions of Ruth's weight annoy me as well. She's not actually anything like as huge as the writer implies, given that she's not a short woman.

It annoys me that she has to go on about it in every single book. But I think the author has issues; one of Nelson's daughters has an eating disorder, or is well on the way to one.

It's established right at the start that Darcy is very rich - if she was out for the money she'd have accepted his first proposal

I've just looked up the scene where she says it, and Jane is begging her to stop teasing and be serious. It's quite clear it's not supposed to be taken seriously.

IntermittentParps · 14/01/2021 16:34

The publishing houses have in house writers to churn this stuff out
Publishing houses do more and more stuff OUT-of-house. It's highly unlikely that in-house writers are a thing.

SomewhatBored · 14/01/2021 16:35

@Coopz

Is Jane Green still going? I read one of her early books that I got free with a magazine where the main character went into a pub and was disgusted by the horrible stinking working class nastiness of it. And the other one about an overweight character who couldn't be happy til she'd lost loads of weight and bagged the guy (as he obviously couldn't be seen with a fat person). I can't see that one going down well in today's climate. She'd be torn to shreds on Twitter and the like.
I read a more recent one that was terrible.

A couple already had two children together. The woman wanted another but the husband didn't. Because he was such a nasty unfeeling bastard for not impregnating her (although he was perfectly lovely and supported her while she had a cosy non-job painting tables or something) she was entirely justified in having an affair with a much younger, very rich bloke - because young rich blokes always look for older women to have affairs with, don't they? Anyway, she got PG and hubby found out and they split. And her friends were also really nasty because they sided with betrayed hubby. But, happy days, he eventually forgave her and the book ends with hubby and wife playing happy families with their various children, rich bloke and rich blokes new girlfriend, because of course that would happen too.

Absolute guff and only finished it because I was staying somewhere with nothing else to do.

Coopz · 14/01/2021 16:43

she had a cosy non-job painting tables or something

🤣 but still made shit loads of money from it, coz they always do. Reminds me of the character in Motherland with her Hygge Tygge shop.

x2boys · 14/01/2021 16:46

Yes I read that one @SomewhatBored agree it was terrible and another ,where a widowed mother falls in love with some guy who travels alot for his job ,I can't really remember a lot but the jist was he sets up home with widowed mother and brings up her young daughter as his own ,they live in California I think but he always tells his ( step) daughter not to go new York as it's very dangerous anyway she does and meets some new friends who take her to their home and wouldn't you credit.it but their Dad is her ( Step) Dad he has two families,I mean what's the chances ?🙄

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