'Twin Parents more likely to divorce' in News, WDYT ?

[picklemum]

See here

..If you're married or in a relationship, how has having multiples affected it ??

interesting

will like this to the other multiple parents

Im off to get divorced. On a lighter note, if i divorced i would be 8K a year better off. Now thats a world gone mad.

Tis interesting. I found the stresses of having the DTs bloody difficult, and DH and I did spend a lot of time arguing about stuff like who should put the bin out, when we were just really knackered, and didn't give a shit about the bit really - just needed to vent. We got through it though. Perhaps if we'd been rocky before that though, the extra strain would have caused something more serious.

DM did an article about a couple who divorced after having triplets - they were clearly just unpleasant people though, who would have probably divorced anyway. But now they have a lovely article to show their children, headlined with "Our triplets caused our divorce" or some such.

Not surprised actually. Having twins and a twin pregnancy is very testing. I think your relationship needs to be very strong to take the added pressure of what has turned out to be over a year of incapacity and stress for us. Then there are a multitude of minor stressing factors added to the mix as the babies grow. I am only 4 months into our twins. I asked Ed Balls about the lack of support for multiple parents and he dismissed my question without reading it properly, assumming I was talking about money, on the webchat. I also e-mailed the question and my disappointment at the lack of a response to his office and recieved no response. I think mother's of multiples should be entitled to extra unpaid maternity leave and that paternity leave entitlement should be based on how many babies are born e.g. 2 babies = twice the amount of paternity leave. That a woman diagnosed with a multiple pregnancy should be able to take maternity leave from when the pregnancy is discovered to be multiple thereby helping her to retain her employment throughout the pregnancy (and have a job to return to) despite the higher number of required medical appointments and associated risks and difficulties of a multiple pregnancy and also that there needs to be a creation of formal legislation, training and policies for all employers about the extra strain of a multiple pregnancy. It is not acceptable that women have to go on the sick because you are not allowed to take your maternity leave until week 28 which is far too late for most multiples. This is bad for the woman, the employer and for the economy. It is also not acceptable that women are having to leave their jobs because of a lack of affordable childcare or a lack of understanding from their employers about the added pressure of carrying more than one baby. I left my job at 14 weeks pregnant because I had a bleed and my employer had no policies in place to enable me to do my job safely given that a multiple pregnancy has very different circumstances and risks than a singleton one. My husband struggled to be involved in the scans because his work didn't believe so many were necessary and I was on bed rest for the last 4 weeks because of high BP and he had to negotiate working from home to compensate. I think apart from finances, education of employers and support for families are big issues.

I agree with a lot curiosity has said.

We are even further behind - our DT's are 3 months. And again, fortunately DH and I have a very strong relationship. Nonetheless the pregnancy led to us sniping at each other, and just the last few weeks we have been too. We were actually fantastic at teamwork for the first couple of months but recently it's been tough (but we have had other stressing factors), but I can honestly say it's the first time in our relationship (nearly a decade) where stress has started to push us apart rather than together. The pregnancy was a nightmare, and I was being scanned weekly from 28 weeks (fortnightly before). I physically couldn't get to these appts for the last 2 months without DH. I also was at hospital once a week apart from the scans. Fortunately DH has 18 years service with his company and they were BRILLIANT - goodness knows what would have happened otherwise. Similarly I was very ill on bedrest for 5 weeks before the twins being born, early, so again he was working very flexibly then. I really think better support needs to be in place for twin pregnancies which recognises just how different they can be. Similarly I was in hospital for 8 days post birth - which was good going considering the girls looked like they were going to appear at 32 wks - again, DH and work would have been an issue then. And to be honest, money does come in to it as well. We didn't plan to have 3 children - we are completely blessed but goodness knows how we'll support them all if they want to go to uni or whatever. And short term we've had to buy more baby equiptment etc whereas we had thought we would be able to use everything we had for DS. And I can see that that is just the beginning of the extra expense of 2 the same age at the same time - school trips, clothes, uniforms, birthday presents, etc... So I can see that if you didn't have a strong relationship it could really push it to breaking point, and we're only just at the beginning of that journey.

i agree with curiosity, and tbh becuase it didn't apply to me i have never thought about working mums with a twin pregnancy, i couldn't envisage it. i looked full term at 5/6 months. i couldn't have possibly fitted behind a desk or reached a keyboard!

yes this should be looked into - definatley mlonger maternity leave - maybe not twice as long, but deffo more time during pregnancy.

i was so young when i had my twins that i think i just got through it, we lost out house as well ( 1993 intrest debacle) so i had three kids under 5 and a reposessed house - we went into council housing and boy what a change - we suffered from Anti social behaviour - dh was a security guard and the kids thought he was police or some shit - and our house was egged and everything - god it was a horrendous time - and i have absolutley no fucking idea how we possibly stayed together through all that. and we were broke - like can't afford presents at xmas broke , bones of our fucking arses broke, scrounging for money down the back of the setee broke. you get the idea.

i'm not surprised that this is the case. i have no idea why we remained married. i think it was perhaps that our lives were so fucked upthat we leant on each other and relyed on each other whilst our lives were going to shit. thats the only explaination i can give.

I do agree with many of curiosity's points, esp additional M/PL, also double the child tax credit allowance

Mine are now 6 and it does get easier, but my god the first months are hard! I read this article a few days ago and gave DH a gold start fro sticking with it

I wonder if the Broke and out of work is actually the reason why people end up getting divorced, rather than the twins. If that makes sense?

just been speaking to dh about it and we came to the conclusion that you should have longer prenatal time off but not post natal.

i think that finances must have a lot to do with the fact that people brake up - also the stress and the lack of sleep.

dh had a mini breakdown the kids were about 2 and 4 at the time after we lost the house and everything and he lost the plot - literally went really weird. and ended up going to the doctors ( unheard of for him)

custy when mine had just turned 2 I was working f/t and hating it, ended up on ADs for 6 months

we moved house 2 weeks before they were born, at 35 weeks, I am convinced the move etc brought on the birth. I stopped work at 31 weeks but more to do with the move than the pregnancy I would hav eloved longer to nest and get my head round it - that is somethings else I'd like to see, more suport for new parents of twins, I was in a state of shock for weeks when I first found out, had no other kids, no idea what to expect

I don't have multiples but totally agree with curiosity about parents having longer maternity / paternity leave.

yes ducky i agree. when i found out i was well chuffed - then it hit me.

i too was on prozac after they were born it was a word of holy shit. - seriously. the horror the horror (apocoplyse now)

I'm on citalopram now. The reason I mentioned about increasing the paternity leave is because dh has a good job and was entitled to 2 weeks paid leave and also took 1 week of holiday, when he went back i couldn't cope with four children under 5 (and breastfeeding twins) on my own, the babies didn't gain enough weight and I got very isolated and then postnatal depression. I think the thought of being left even with just the twins after one week which is standard paid entitlement is frightening. With a singleton I would have been absolutely fine and happy after 1 week even ok with looking after 3 on my own. I think for that reason postnatal support is very very important. Ours weren't even premature which is even another issue but one i can't really speak about because i have no first hand experience.

Custy - reckon i'd have been able to sit behind a desk for a while longer than 14 weeks but i sold shoes and was apparently not allowed to sit down all day because i didn't look pregnant enough and it would give off a bad impression. I was told by the docs not to stand all day and rather than get signed off sick my stupid pride and panic made me quit.

I agree with the things other posters have said. I think it's a combination of financial implications/stress/exhaustion/horrible pregnancy followed by a relentless demand of feeds & nappy changes that can really test the boundaries of your relationship.

Also the fact that you can feel so isolated with more than one little one to look after. DD1 was 2.5 when my twins were born and often the thought of dragging all 3 of them out of the house was just too much hassle. I can't fit a double buggy into most of the shops where I live, so that was a no go. I tried to go to playgroups after a while but even then you feel like a bit of a freak struggling with 3 kids while everyone else just has the one. So you end up feeling isolated and depressed & it's hard not to transfer those feelings to your DH when he comes in from work.

My DH was completely overwhelmed with the twins. He was really good with DD1 when she was a baby; nappy changing etc. He just switched off with the twins. It's only now that he seems to be enjoying them (they're 22 months) for which I am very relieved. Also I think that you're tired over a longer period of time than if you had a singleton. & you're often too knackered for any intimacy, which doesn't help.

Curiosity, I'm sorry to hear you've had depression. I had my Mum to help me out. It must be so difficult for you with the 4 of them.

I agree with so many points that have already been made - especially the additional support and not just in the financial sense. I think until someone has had a multiple birth - whether twins or triplets or more - you have no idea how very very different it is to a singleton! I agree that if DH had had the option of extended paid paternity leave, that would have made a world of difference. For me, I had a c-sec so couldn't drive for 6 weeks and pushing a double buggy was not recommended! DH was fantastic when around but when he went back to work after two weeks it was so hard. I also resented him as he could escape for a while and play at being an adult again and I just felt stuck indoors sometimes. Quite literally sometimes as it was a bugger to get the double buggy through the front door! However, I did have great support network especially my Mum and MIL and without them I would have found it sooo much harder and I know that there would have been days I just couldn't have coped with.

My marriage is now stronger and better and the girls have added so much to our lives we do feel so blessed - most of the time!! But it has been and still is extremely hard work and the financial burden of a multiple birth is totally underplayed. I think money worries and exhaustion must cause the majority of problems. I feel really lucky we have a strong marriage but can easily see why some don't survive ! For us, even when things have been dire, we have found the ability to laugh about it and get through the day somehow (even when one of those days included the boiler bursting, the cat being run over, DT2 eating a 2p and spending hours in A&E, followed by being woken in the early hours by DT1 with sickness bug! Then the next morning, both DH & I getting up and putting a full day in at work). Not sure we would be here today without wine and chocolate though!

This is really interesting and I agree with so much of what has been said. Twins are so testing to the strongest of relationships IMO. Something I didn't give a thought to whilst pregnant with them...

I (like loubllou) also feel blessed most of the time - but cursed in equal measure.

I still have daily bouts of singleton-envy (DTs are now 18 mths) and feel sad that my twins and DH are so starved of my full-time attention.

Agree also with the isolation point - still sadly this is the case despite the fact they're toddlers now. Just takes so much longer and more pre-planning required to get out and about. Hard not to take this out on DH and still feel ridiculous envy of his ability to walk out of the door each morning (er, to work) with just his keys and phone.

Having twins has made me appreciate DP all the more. Didn't have a particularly difficult pregnancy but knackered ALL the time, DP did everything round the house, cooking, shopping etc. from about 12 weeks on, and never complained. Thankfully our lifestyle (we live as cheaply as we can) and the system in Germany have allowed us both to take time off work, which has been essential. I have a HUGE amount of respect for those women who have to cope with twin babies alone once a partner has gone back to work. And I love the fact that DP is also getting to experience our girls as babies (they are now 6 months old). I definitely agree that paternity leave should be longer for multiples - I think the system here is a good one, 14 months to be split between the parents, but I do still feel a bit cheated that I'll only get one lot of maternity leave, not two! And that's knowing that I'm pretty spoiled. I can really see how having twins can lead to a whole lot of relationship stress.