Does anyone have twins and a younger singeleton? Support/advice needed!

[hattyyellow]

Would really appreciate any advice. My twins are 4.9 and our youngest daughter nearly 15 months.

I see fully that DD3 isn't at the most exciting stage if you are 4 years old. She's not great at sharing, but good at grabbing, breaking, throwing food around etc. My twins are very close and have never been very maternal. Unlike many of the little girls I know they were completely unexcited at the prospect of a real live baby to play with and have never played dollies. I don't blame them, I think I was never desperately maternal either.

However, I do wonder when they will start to accept DD3 a little more. It's almost like having two families and it gets to the point where I feel very anxious about the weekend ahead. My twins tend to yell at DD3 whenever she approaches as they are playing a game and she just wants to pick up the pieces of things/chew them/break up lego etc.

I do get them to say sorry and I try and get them to play games with her - but they do get, I guess understandably, bored of "pick the brick up so that DD3 can drop it to be picked up again".

It worries me that they will never accept her and that she will always be so developmentally behind whatever stage they're at that they won't ever really play with her. And I get a bit bored of zoning off rooms with furniture so that everyone can play. She is so desperate to be involved in their games but can't really understand them yet.

Please tell me that at some magic stage it will get easier. One of my twins is so much better with her when DH takes the other twin off but my other twin bitterly resents her. She has always been the quieter twin and is developmentally behind her sister (much slower at reading and writing, much shyer etc) and I think DD3 is just another child to battle for attention with.

I feel we're at the stage of gentle punishments for shouting at her/rewards for good behaviour but DH feels strongly that we shouldn't be bribing for good behaviour. Am getting very down about it all so would be very grateful for any help!

hi hatty - cant help too much as I have DT boys who are 5 yrs 4 months and a DD who is 3 yrs 4 months....they tend to ignore her a lot of the time and one says he "doesnt like her" (note this is also the twin that for me is slightly developmentally behind the other)...other times they will all play really nicely together, particularly if DD exerts her authoirty (which she does very vocally).

Sorry I couldnt offer any advice but I am sure someone with more experience (and poss girls..) will come along shortly - am trying to think of ladies on the multiples thread who have twin girls then more...snorris is the only one that springs to mind at present.

I have no direct experience (mine are 4, 3 and twins 4 months) hatty but have a two penneth to offer anyway as per ;)

First thing I would say is they all sound very normal for their ages. The age gap is small really but now it will seem, to them, to be the biggest it ever will. The 15 month old is on the cusp of being interesting to them, I would guess they are just becomming aware of her as a person but feel very superior to her and like she is uninteresting. If my own family and siblings are anything to go by she will become interesting to them when they find they can boss her around and get her to do things and then they'll probably both be fighting for her attention. Don't worry too much or you'll be worried all the time!! Each stage I think will have it's difficulties and rewards.

I would try and encourage them to play nicely with her when they show an interest and not worry too much for the moment. Give it a bit of time and perhaps spend time with her yourself. My guess is that if the twins see you playing with her they'll want to join in sometimes and you can use that as an opportunity to get them all playing together nicely, making it clear that you are playong with her and that if they want to join then they need to play all together.

If your husband doesn't like bribes then you could talk through the individual incidents with them as they happen which can be just as effective. It sounds like they are just developing a heirarchy which is natural but they do need to be encouraged to include the ones that are further down the pecking order. But yes, don't worry it'll come in time. Definitely by the time dd3 is 3 and will be more interesting. I am the eldest of four there's a 15 month gap between me and the next sister down, then 5 years between me and the sister after that then 7 years between my brother and I. The only gap that was a bit too big was between me and my brother and it wasn't that we didn't love each other (we had a lovely friendship all our childhood), it was just that he got forced into some things too soon and I was held back by him being small. My sisters and I established a similar pecking order to the one you describe your DDs have because I didn't remember being a singleton and we had a while together before our sister was born but then my two sisters formed a coalition against me (lol) and I became close to my brother as we grew up. We're all exceptionally close now. Don't worry too much, it all sounds like a normal family life issue, I think you are maybe feeling worried because they have the twin bond but give them a chance. DD3, like you say, is ot very interesting to them now.

Oh the other thing is maybe play on their feelings of superiority a bit but turn them into something nice i.e. get them to help DD3 with things and teach her things, maybe get them competing with each other to take care of her and play with her... mu ha ha ha!!!

As HM said on the other thread, I do have 3 girls, but my singleton came first and was only 20 months when the DTs were born so I have a much smaller age gap.

I have got some quick thoughts, although haven't read the rest of the replies in detail, so apologies for any duplication.

Are your DTs at school or nursery? Is there perhaps an element of jealousy in their play because they see that their sister gets to spend all her time with you, while they are away from you?

Despite your DH's misgivings, I would strongly recommend some sort of sticker chart with a reward for getting 10 stickers (or something similar - pasta jars etc). If you think the DTs would benefit from competition, give them one each, if not, get them to do it jointly. And the reward doesn't have to be material - it could be spending the day with you (and/or DH - do you have someone who could have DD3 for a few hours while you spend some quality time with either or both DTs?). Talk to them about what treat they would like when you start the sticker chart (or whatever you do) so that they know what the goal is.

If you start ignoring the bad behaviour (as much as possible, I'm not suggesting you ignore any physical or dangerous stuff!) and simply appreciating the good behaviour by giving stickers, or putting a piece of pasta in a jar, then your DTs will see that their good behaviour gets noticed, whilst anything else doesn't merit attention.

I can understand your DH's reticence about 'bribery', but incentivisation is key I think in improving behaviour, and indeed just in day to day life. Would your DH go out to work without the incentive of getting paid ? And bonuses (if they are not a dim and distant memory these days) are most certainly used as an incentive to outperform.

Sticker charts/pasta jars have always been very effective with my DDs and we've never needed to keep them going longer than a couple of weeks or so to see a big change.

Sorry if this is rambly, but hope there is some sense in there .

hatty I haven't got much time at the moment but just wanted to reassure you that it will get easier as they get older, esp once your dd3 can actually take part in their games.

I have ds1 7, dd1 5, b/g dts 3 and ds3 almost 2. Mine have loads of good moments and the less successful times too of course. I look for activities that they can all enjoy together, colouring in and playdough for your age group should be ok with supervision, the same with water play around a table outside as the weather improves. I encourage my older ones to build things specifically for the younger ones to knock down, means they laugh when things tumble rather than thump the little one. It's a really difficult age group, but it will get easier, last night my eldest read all his younger siblings a bedtime story, was the sweetest thing ever .
BTW, I think reward charts etc are a great way of encouraging good behaviour and proven to work on many children.

This is all so encouraging and reassuring, thank you all so much! I am reading through all the replies carefully and taking notes, seriously! It's one of those things that I think only fellow twin parents can really "get".

Love the "incentivising" rather than bribing!

Thank you all, I feel much better now and that it will get better. Last night my DT who doesn't like DD3 was in the bath and DD3 gave her some cotton wool from the bathroom shelf. DT took it reluctantly when I asked her to and rubbed it on her face. DD3 then took it and washed her face with it with a big smile and DT's face just lit up, it was lovely! She turned to me and said "mummy, DD3 actually did something interesting, I taught her to do that didn't I?". I was pratically in tears "yes DT, you're the best ever". Hoping as DD3 can understand more and more simple games it will get easier as you all say.