Can anybody with older twins advise me on coping with chalk and cheese twins with differing abilities?

[MilaMae]

My non identical twin boys are 6 both are doing well however the older they get the more problems I'm coming across in school. Also they are so totally different 1 is big 1 is little,1 loves books/schoolwork(a swot basically) the other loves errrr playing. 1 is serious the other is a joker, 1 has v neat handwriting the other is left handed with very untidy handwriting-I could go on, the list is endless but you get my drift.

Our school give v little support re twins so I have nowhere to go for advice and getting a bit emotional about things. There is literally nobody who understands this issue.

One of my boys has the edge on the other,he does everything 1st-everything!!!! He's a size bigger so the other twin gets his clothes(a financial necessity). He rode a bike first, was a free reader before the other one. He's lost 2 teeth (the other twin hasn't even lost one and is v upset about it). He does better at swimming,gets every certificate-bloody 1st. He's highly motivated with a photographic memory so is doing very well at school.

I'm sooo worried about how this is effecting my other twin,thankfully said twin doesn't care less and never shows off. His brother on the surface couldn't care less either. The thing is developmentally they were always the same,the bigger twin always had the edge but the smaller one always kept up sometimes overtook.

They learnt to read very early so I shouldn't be worried about his progress but I am as the smaller twin is very un-motivated and I'm worrying that this is getting worse. A gap is growing at school in reading/writing and I don't know why,I think ability wise they are pretty much equal in fact I'd say the smaller twin is far better at science/mechanics/imagination than his bigger twin so we big that up repeatedly.

I'm worried the smaller twin thinks he's just not as good as his twin so gives up even trying. He says everything is boring. I'm worried how he's going to feel as an adult with a strapping 6 footer brother(he's going to be tiny and wiry like his dad). He's in good groups for everything so I shouldn't worry but his laidbackness is an issue and has been mentioned by his teacher,maybe he's naturally just a less motivated person. Personally I find him easier at home as his brother gets bored v easily and is happiest doing school work. Said smaller twin will play for hours with his Lego/Playmobil.

Is my smaller twin going to be totally screwed up as a teenager,is he just going to give up completely at school? These are just 2 of my worries. I just don't know how to handle this issue the older they get, it was a lot easier when they were younger. They have a sister exactly a year younger so any advise would help me with her. The twin I'm worried about has started saying spiteful things about her reading/writing (totally out of character) .

Any advice from those who've been there would be most gratefully received.

You could be me and in fact I was about to post something v similar tonight! I too have non-identical twin sons - a bit older than your boys, aged 8.

One (DS2 - born second) is plump, sedentary, loves reading and writing, well-behaved (teachers LOVE him) and has just had some v good school exam results.

The other (DS1) is wiry thin, actually slightly taller than twin, not interested in reading/ writing and whilst I used to think of him as the Mathematical one - he's just had a terrible Maths exam result and also did less well than his twin in English.

The more DS2 succeeds, the less DS1 tries and he already has v negative beliefs about himself. I'm v worried also, like you.

The weird thing is that DS1 did eveything first - opened eyes first, as a baby, talked first etc etc, is v v agile whereas DS2 is slightly dyspraxic. Unfortunately, he's not that good at sports either mainyl I think because he doesn't have the stamina of his peers and I haven't encouraged him enough.

I'm a single mum - from the start - and am much more like the geeky/ intellectual twin and realise that what I value is what DS2 is good at, whereas DS1 has many, may strengths that I don't have and should really admire more. I feel SO guilty!

Weird also is the fact that when the twins were about 3, DS1 was offered a place at a highly academic pre-prep. school but the same school rejected DS2 as being developmentally 'backward'! Fast-forward 5 or 6 yrs and now DS2 is at the Prep school with twins and doing extremely well, whilst supposedly v bright brother is 'just holding his own'.

The one thing that I think helps is that DS1 is much much better socially with his peers than DS2. In fact DS2 has many traits (but not a full diagnosis) of Asperger's and whilst he has a few good friends, equally 'geeky', is more or less unpopular with all the other 'ordinary' boys.

In the long run, DS1 may do better generally - like in interactions with people at work and in relationships etc, just because he's more accepted and good at communicating with peers, although a bit shy. DS2 may get better exam results but be more and more ostracised by his peers, particularly in adolescence and this makes me concerned for HIS self-esteem at that stage.

I know none of this is helping you but I just wanted to say that you're not alone with a twin situation like this. I'm pretty sure that the polarisation that takes place amongst siblings in all families is much more pronounced in twins. So eg one child is known as the sporty one - and therefore the other becomes so NOT sporty. One is great at English and the other refuses to read at all.

Despite being v aware of this polarisation and naturally worried about it, I still can't find a solution. It doesn't seem to matter what I SAY to DS1, he can still pick up in the atmosphere that DS2 is doing really well at school and he constantly says "DS2 is cleverer than me", which is not true.

In fact, in trying to decide what would be the right schools for them, I got their IQs tested. DS1 had a much higher score than his out-performing twin. However, DS2 was extremrly good at literacy stuff and also has a phenomenal memory, which can help hugely at this stage.

I think that as time goes on, DS1 will be able to use his better 'thinking outside the box' skills a lot more and succeed where DS2 may struggle, as DS2 has strengths in factual, logical learning.

I often wonder what life would have been like with only one of the twins and worry that lack of time/ input to each individually isn't helping...but I can only do my best.

So i don't know what to say to you really, except I suppose, like me, keep looking for the strengths in the smaller twin. One thing that helps me is that at school, my younger bro. was often in trouble, didn't do as well as myself and elder sister and was deemed less academic by our parents. But around age 16 and then again around age 20, he found the motivation within himself to strive and succeed and is now at the top of his profession and often in the media. So you can never tell how people will turn out.

Like you, I'd be v interesetd to hear from other parents with a similar situation with twins and if anyone can advise me too.

Many thanks Solo .

It's so nice to hear somebody with a similar situation to myself(sorry), I just find nobody else other than a twin mum really understands. It's not quite the same issue with general siblings It's also reassuring to hear I'm not just being a silly old worry wart.

I really feel I could do with some advice but from where I don't know,I'm wondering if Tamba have any publications.

I'm a bit muzzy headed today(bug) so not much use, if I find out anything I'll post back at a later date.

One other thing did your boys really get the sillies(over excited) around 6. Do they get a testosterone surge then? Had quite a lively weekend (sadly wine free due to bug),have walked them silly but they've really found it hard to calm down. They wind each other up getting sillier and sillier. Have to say I lost it with them this morning as they just would not calm down. Again I do think with twins this type of thing is more pronounced as a 6 year old boy is more likely to find another 6 year old boy 'funny'.

I think you must be amazing doing this yourself so don't beat yourself up about the time thing.

On a more positive note my uncle was also v like the twin I worry about but he is now a very successful medical scientist. So if I haven't throttled the pair of them before they leave school there is hope I guess

Hi Milamae Sorry it took so long to get back to you. One twin got early morning headaches (meriting referral to hospital) and then when he'd stopped having these again, other twin has had 9 days of vomiting, with me sitting up with him for the first 4 nights and days....so feeling slightly frazzled!

Yes, everything you describe about 6 yr old boy twins echoes exactly my own experience and I too have heard that it's when testosterone kicks in....Believe me, it gets worse!!! They absolutely wind each other up and then wind me up too.

DS2 - knowing it winds me up - is often really rude like a teenager now (aged almost 9) endlessly tries to make inappropriate remarks about sex and even tries to use 4 letter words. By evening time, seems to get quite 'manic' and over excited generally, completely hyped up an - just when I'm completely shattered!

DS1 has developed the art of knowing exactly how to push me to the limits and beyond and then ups the ante again, just as he knows I'm losing it and the dreadful arguments ensuing really shame me!

I've frequently been envious anmd flabbergatsed when I see those with one child - or one at a time - being able to take them to places without automatically assuming chaos will reign! When the twins were born, most of my friends had a single girl baby or some a single boy. As time went on, we'd meet up for coffees and their children would sit nicely drawing or playing with a toy. My twins would be careering around the place, one running out the door, the other into the kitchens, one kicking the tables and spilling drinks, the other crawling on the filthy floor and then jumping off the tables....It was impossible!

Then as they got older, another set of boy twins joined in the class below them at school and what a relief it was to see how these 2 - identical ones - were exactly the same, despite having a mother who I'm sure is ten times a better mum than I am! They rushed around, were aggressive, wound each other up, actually attacked my - older - twins in the playground, despite the size difference. Not badly of course - just like 5 to 6 yr old can do and it was actually v reassuring for me to see that another set of twins were similar to my own and it wasn't because I was the worst parent in the world!

The new thing happening recenttly, as my twins approach age 9 is that their arguments and disagreements have intensified, although their affection for each other is still there too. But it looks to me a lot like that time, in the animal kingdom, when siblings need to leave the nesy and find their own territory or they'll attack each other....

The only thing is, I was hoping this might not happen till they were 18 and they seem to be doing it a little early!! Yikes!

No advice as my twins are younger than yours (identical girls aged 4.9) but I have a similar thing in that one is streets ahead of the other in reading/writing/general confidence. I feel bad praising her as her sister looks so sad and I feel bad finding things to praise for her too as it takes away from the more advanced twin if she never gets praise on her own.

You're both so right in recognising the strengths of the less advanced twin - it's hard when they become aware of their differences for the first time just as they are becoming aware that people can't tell them apart and find it alternately funny and frustrating.

Can people tell your sets of boy twins apart? Do they mind when they are confused for one another?

I have DZ twin stepdaughters. they're 12 next month so in yr7, and I first met them when they were 4. I've always said you wouldn't believe they were related let alone twins!!!

As they live with their mum (divorced before they were born) I don't have much advice really. But you may be surprised how things turn out as they grow:

C was always the 'clever' one but R has always struggled with school (dyslexic but not statemented). We were desperately worried how R would cope at secondary school but she's flourished! As it's a much bigger school she's not in C's shadow, she's made new friends etc. She'll may never find schoolwork easy but she's enthusiastic and that's enough IMO. C however is not struggling but is totally disinterested in school. It is really worrying us.

It is so so important to praise both twins, just find what they're good at even if not academic/sporty. But equally don't always avoid praising the 'clever' one - they might just give up.

Very hard to find the balance. If you can possibly arrange it, time apart is so so helpful. We moved to be nearer DH's kids and now they always visit seperately. It helps them get more quality time with both parents (and me ) and gives them breathing space from each other. It's really made a difference to both of them socially and academically.

she'll may never find schoolwork easy?

oops.

must not type while watching the wright stuff

Just come across this thread, Im not a parent, yet, got id twins due in feb 11. However, I do have a little experience in this area - I am an id twin! The advice I would offer is as hard as it may be, do not compare them, they are different people and most likely have different interests and different strengths and weaknesses. Much like any other siblings just because they look the same does not mean they are the same. The most frustrating thing throughout my life has been being treated as my sister. She likes horses and I don't. I was better at science she was better at languages. Do try to spend time with them on their own but ask them what they would like to do, no suggesting things!

Just ask yourself if you would find it so strange that any other sibling seemed to be better at something.

Oh, and try to imagine what it is like to always be called 'the twins' rather than your names!

Don't know if this will help or not but good luck any way!

hi there, I don't have twins but like the previous poster I am a twin myself (non ID girls). We also had a pretty big gap emerge when we were growing up and my parents just tried to make sure they fostered different interests for the two of us. I played the piano and did gymnastics, she swam, did tapestries and had horse riding lessons (much cheaper back then!). I echo the previous poster, best just not to compare them and do what you can to develop/focus on their individual talents rather than on comparisons I think. Much easier said than done I'm sure. Congratulations on raising twins, I know it's not easy! x

Second what's been said about encouraging/recognising individuality even with ID twins.

I've got six-year-old b/g DTs. My son is a free reader who is now bringing home chapter books and doing extension stuff in numeracy ... my daughter is still struggling to 'read' low level readers and can't always do easy sums .... and while I accept they are different and she will hopefully catch up in her own time, she compares herself to her brother and has started making negative comments about her abilities - not sure what to do but I try to praise her for the things she does do well like drawing/being brave/helping etc!

I wonder if anyone with older twins could comment on this too? I've just posted another thread here about the difficulties of praising one twin but then worrying about the effect of his success on his twin.

This is more or less a constant issue for us. Last night, I was trying to boost the confidence on DT1 who isn't perfomring so weel at school, although is just as bright, if not brighter. DT2 - who has recently had LOADS of external confirmation of his success - then was in tears and full of anger, just because I'd praised his twin. It's as if praising one of them immediately makes the other believe it directly impacts on him and means I'm criticising him, even if I haven't opened my mouth!

Please can parents of older twins - who've perhaps found a way to manage the differences in their twins successfully over time - chip in with some advice?

Hi

Do not worry about the slow readers - my three daughters had difficulty in this area and were late developers due to dyslexia. They will find their way and will have other strengths, my eldest is now a chartered civil engineer (and the mother of non identical twins), second is physiotherapist and third is a wizz at managing people. The twins are very different and it is likely that one may have literacy problems, go with the strengths what they can do rather than what you can't. Being an early reader is not the be all end all, being interested and curious about the world around them is a better indicator of a child's ability to do well.

I think some of the time the problem is other people who expect them to do everything at the same time and to the same level. My DS's are 15 and although academically similar one is slightly ahead of the other, more outgoing and generally more sociable than the other. He is also at least 6" taller and I have lost count of the number of times people have queried that they are identical twins because of their differing sizes.

I just sigh and say, yes they are identical, and yes they are different. Some teachers do not help by not bothering to learn names, and their friends just call them "twin" which drives me mad, but funnily enough the boys don't mind.

When they go to 6th form next year it's a much bigger place and I hope they'll be able to develop more independently if they want to.

my twins are boy/girl 8 years. Completely different and just starting to fight all the time after getting on very well together in "home" situations previously (they always had separate social lives).
They fight to get my attention, not because of anything else really. I see it as a perpetual state of irritatibility which comes from fighting over same bone - Mum !
I find private (ie: not in front of them}comparisons quite helpful rather than odious. It makes me realise that it's not necessarily what I'm doing right or wrong that makes them good at reading, good at art, good at sport (nor not They are that way "nature"-wise. Which makes one less guilty...
The nurture side of things is me giving them that individual attention they seem to need so desperately. Which makes one more guilty.

My other (new) theory is that twins are so attached that they feel bad for the other when the other is disappointed in anything, so they are in a state of conflict not just competition - they genuinely want the other to be happy deep down, which means it is confusing to also be a state of territorial competition for parental attention.

I think there are twin pyschotherapists out there somewhere - possibly in need of one here

I am glad to see this thread and hear other mums of twin boys talk about them crashing around, being a handful and generally causing trouble. I have ID DTS aged 6. I dont have any advice about this as am having a similar issue. Mine are at a small village school which has composit classes. Last year they were in different classes and seemed to do ok although DTS1 reading is far advanced over his brothers.

This year they are back in together and only 3 weeks of term had gone by when i was summoned by the teacher to discuss their behaviour

At home i sort of think they are ok, probably mainly because they are soooo much better than they used to be and i guess we know how to handle them. The teacher said 'they are very rough with each other even for brothers' and 'have you read anything about twins being in the same class?'

Im now wondering if the school is the best place for them, or if i should be thinking about sending them elsewhere, where they can be in diff classes and at least get 5 mins apart.

Might have a google around and see if there is any reseach/info. If i find anything i will report back...

Found a PDF on the Tamba site about multiples and education.

Survey done by Kings College, findings are that twins who are separated at primary school experience more emotional problems that those that are not.

But then.....

'However, the survey found that there are also disadvantages to being in the same classroom. The
most common problem is unhealthy competition (typically between boy-boy twins) over who is better
at schoolwork, making friends and so on. Rivalry between multiples can cause arguments, lack of
confidence and one child ?opting out? if they perceive themselves to be doing worse than their sibling.

Another frequently cited disadvantage is teachers and other children getting multiples confused or
comparing them. Being in the same classroom can also cause problems with: making friends; lack of
privacy; distracting each other; being too reliant on each other; and the dominant child bossing the
other(s) about or answering for them while the shier child may hold back the more outgoing sibling(s)'

A rock and a hard place then..!!?

Such a funny thread, thank you all for making my evening. So reassuring to know I'm not alone! My ID girls could be any more different in size, ability, etc.

MilaMae - are your twins in separate classes at school? I found this has really helped my girls to develop. One is very academic but socially quite awkward, the other couldn't give a fig about school work but is very popular. I try to focus on their talents and praise the good things they do. As a parent what more you can do?

The thing I get hung up about is hand-me-down clothes. DD2 is a whole size smaller than DD1 with feet 2 sizes smaller. I feel like I am mentally scaring her by making her wear her sisters old clothes! Seems silly to buy a new coat when you have one that fits but equally mean to have to wear something your sister had new first. As the 4th child I never got anything new but that was just the order of things - it seems terribly unfair for twins! Does anyone else have this problem?

omg Hallellujah I am not the only one experiencing these issues ... I have just joined this site tonight and so happy I did :). I have no advice as I am going through exactly the same as Milamae with 6yr old non-id boys ... I could have written that post!!!
I am at wits end over how to encourage T2 as by hyping up his success' I find I downplay T1's which has being noticed. T1 has recently being so horrible, naughty and rude (i know normal behaviour for 6yr old, but different) I knew he was upset but didn't know why ... turns out it was because in his eyes I loved T2 more!!! Think it's a no win situation and you have to just do the best you can, mine have just started karate ... this is wrong - but i am praying T2 passes his grading before T1!!!
Sorry no help but for me nice to know someone else in same situation :)

actually quick qu ... mine look nothing alike different eye colour, builds and even have different accents .. yet ppl still confuse them, I am puzzled as to why ... have any of you had this?