Ok, how do I stop thinking about wanting number four? Already have DS1 (5) and DTs (21mths) and I just cannot 'switch off' very strong feelings to have another one

[DoDoDoDaDaDa]

Hello. I have not been on here for ages and ages, so I am strangely nervous typing this! Anyway, I cannot stop desperately wanting a fourth child. Big problem is, DH does not want any more . So, I am writing here just to get some thoughts from whoever's out there - anyone else felt like this and can't stop thinking about it, but feel like you're being a bit greedy? I need to talk to multiple mums about this because having three children when two of them are twins is not the same has having three children with age gaps, is it?! And some of you will understand, maybe, the need to have more, even though you have two or more already!? I have to say that DH is a lot older than me, and really finds the baby/young children thing very difficult. However, I am extremely lucky to have help, so that does make things a lot easier. I know this sounds like a stupid one, but I just need some of your thoughts! BTW DTs were IVF so even if there was a teeny weeny glimmer of hope from DH, we'd probably have to do that again. I must sound completely mad. But just a little reply from somebody, anybody, would help me feel not so alone with all this going round in my head. Thanks.

Hi I have a 5 year old boy plus twin boys of 20 months. I have similar feelings to you in wanting another baby. My dh does not really want any more children either, he finds very young children hard to deal with, I do most of the work. Financialy we cant really afford another child or fit one into an already small house, but I would like more! I think I feel a bit cheated in only having 2 pregnancies and the new baby stage with the twins all being a bit of a blur.You are definitely not alone in this, I am just trying to enjoy every minute I can, with the twins while they are young before they head off to school.

You don't sound mad you sound sad. It's awful having a longing for another child like that. I'm not sure what I would do. Your husband's and your feelings about having another child both need to be spoken about and respected, I feel. You need to think about why you want another baby and he needs to think about why he doesn't want one. You both need to think about the realities of your lives and the particular kind of fertility help you needed to get the DTs and what going through that again will mean for each of you in the family and I think you need to just talk it out together and get yourselves on the same page. Is it that your husband finds the young children stressful but also the IVF and he can't cope with going through stressful IVF to get a stressful baby which, for him wouldn't be worth it? If it's something like that maybe you could compromise on trying to concieve naturally and agreeing not to attempt IVF? Thinking things through and then talking them out I suppose is what I would do.

i felt this for the first entire year after my triplets were born. now they are almost 4 and I must say that I am glad that phase has passed! I blame hormones on that crazy idea.

we like to travel and four kids would be a lot. it depends a lot on your lifestyle, I guess. will you have help for the foreseeable future?

I don't think you ever get over it. I have four, two DS aged 6 & 4 and DTs aged almost 1. I will definitely not have any more, as four is more than enough, but I still get the odd twinge of longing.

I will also say that four kids is HARD work. I sometimes wish I only had three as it would be so much less hassle to do anything, so think hard before you take the plunge.

I feel like this a lot.

I started feeling like this when my DTs were around 2 and it hasn't gone away. For me, I always imagined having 3 children and, like you, a singleton plus twins sometimes feels like I missed having that third child (pgcy). I haven't taken the plunge yet (my eldest is newly 9 and my DTs are 5.5) because life has been too topsy turvy for lots of reasons. And now I'm concerned the age gap is not good.

I'm not helping am I?

What I currently do is roll forward to having a 4yr old as my youngest (the as yet unborn baby) and thinking what ages my others would be, what life would be like, what timetables I'd be following for the older ones, etc.

Keep me posted. Am interested!!!

Poor you with reluctant dh.

I am probably the wrong person to comment tbh.

I have 7. The feeling never goes. I MUST stop though...

Sympathies coming your way. Having one + twins definitely different, IMHO, to three with gaps between.

I have three year old DS1 and twin boys aged 6mths. All IVF and I have six top quality frozen blastocysts from the twins' cycle. I would lurvvvvve to enjoy a singleton that wasn't my first baby. BUT I had a nightmare pg with the twins, placenta praevia and crash section at 30 weeks so I really think I would be pushing my luck.

TT
XXX

I also haven't been on here for eons, but, boy, do I know how you feel!

I have DD who's 5.5 and DT who are 17 months and I REALLY find myself wanting another. I think it has an awful lot to do with having two at once and wanted that time with just one baby and not having to constantly feel like you're slightly short-changing them, and if I'm completely honest, myself. I loved the incredible intimacy of one mum and one baby and unless DD is on a play date and we've arranged to have one baby each (which happens once in a blue moon) the intimacy quotient feels relatively short-changed.

I also suspect that's a common feeling to any 2nd pregnancy, but magnified by multiples.

I now have 3 DDs and find myself thinking that a DS would just 'round it out' or 'complete' or some other such nonsense. What do I think another DD would do -well, the same thing, I suppose. We're great as we are. Complete as we are & I would love to have just one more to have that experience, but if I don't, what I have is amazing already. God, twins are incredible. They are so funny and individual and sweet. And I think what it would do to their experience to have a little brother or sister and how their already limited mummy-time would be further shortened.

I talk myself round and round. We'll see what happens.

I don't know if this rambling remotely helps, but it's been great for me!!! I don't get out much, you know.

x

I really understand how you feel. I have twin girls 4.9 and DD3 who is 15 months.

Like XenaWP I do have moments of thinking that a fourth might be a boy, not that we don't utterly adore our girls but I suppose you always want what you haven't got!

Someone told me that when your youngest gets past a year is the "danger" time of wanting another. You're hopefully getting sleep again, the baby is a toddler who can amuse themselves a little, the bigger ones are at school...you've only done the baby and toddler stage twice even though you have three children so if you'd always planned on doing it three times it's tempting to start again..

However I look at so many factors that would make it difficult. My twins really struggled with DD3 and sharing my attention. They are very competitive and found it incredibly hard and still do. Part of me thinks though that DD3 would benefit from having a playmate - someone also told me that 3 is the hardest number as one is always left out and it's easier to have 4 for this reason!!

I also don't think I could handle the exhaustion of another pregnancy and birth and that awful early stage of night feeding. We don't have any family nearby to help out and we can't afford anyone to help with cleaning etc and I'm not good with chaos..

Plus as others have mentioned, we're almost at the stage of being able to easily travel/go out/enjoy lunch with friends while our children amuse themselves a little without needing daytime naps/breast or bottle/constant nappy changes - I don't know if we could face the stage of crying, teething baby again.

Space/finances - this would be an issue for us with 4 would it be for you?

The difficult thing is seeing so many friends with 4 or 5, it's very common in our area and that makes it very tempting!

Sorry for the ramble and do keep us posted!

DoDoDoDa if you're still around..did you make a decision in the end? Am having big thoughts on having no 4 again, largely based on having a really good time with all three at the moment who have got that little bit easier (twins are nearly 5 and are a lot calmer/easier to entertain themselves and youngest is 15 months and really starting to interact with them more).

Just wondering what you decided to do! Would you hugely mind me asking how old you are roughly? I've just turned 35 so thinking i should get cracking..DH not sure what he thinks so I don't know what we will decide in the end..