Why are people like this?

[Timesofhope]

Something which has been going through my head pretty much since I had my 3 girls last year is the behavior and attitude of some people to multiple parents.

You would think that people (esp other mums) would be friendly to you when they see you have twins/triplets or whatever. Me and my OH have been to our local childrens centre a few times in the hope that we would meet some like minded people and possibly make some new friends with children our girls could get to know. No chance - as soon as you walk in the door with three children you seem to turn invisible. We had a few mums hover over the girls and say the usual 'you've got your hands full' and 'bet its hard work' but overall everyone was too busy having a competition over what their child could/couldn't do (look my child can sit up!)

The nail in the coffin was when one of the staff members said to one mother 'would you want twins or triplets?' to which her reply was 'i'd rather be dead'

Why can't people think before they speak? I don't want to spend an hour around people who think having multiples is the worst thing in the world and are not shy about expressing how awful it must be for me coping with triplets when I cope fine and have the best kids ever.

Sorry for the rant, i'm just feeling rather lonely and sorry for myself tonight. I wish I had a friend to talk to sometimes but i drove the only friend I had away.

Hi Timesofhope, i have read the thread with interest. i am 15 weeks pregnant with twins and knew that there was some prejudice about twins and multiples but shocked about how bad it CAN be. I think the healthy thing to do is to stare at the person who makes the comment and not lower yourself to becoming angry. i hope i never know about it!
I am glad you are having therapy for your illness. I thought from the beginning of the thread that your reactions to people and playgroups are as a result of your depression. when we are depressed we tend to read into things too much, and see the bad in people and their comments first, before we realise that maybe the person didnt mean to hurt our feelings.
I hope you manage to get past it and that the CBT works wonders for you. glad to hear that you are looking forward to another girl in the family, see things are looking up, take advantage of the situation. congratulations on your 3 wonderful children, an achievement in itself!

Thank you for your comment Ailz, my dp's aunt gave birth to a little girl called Sophia although unfortunately the one time my dp saw her I wasn't there! I'll get to see her at some point!

I do think that my reactions and thoughts about playgroups and comments is largely down to my depression and anxiety and I am looking at this in my CBT as well as looking at ways to raise my self-esteem and become more assertive. (something that has been drilled out of me over the years by my MIL)

ToH, hope the CBT makes you feel more able to cope with your MIL amongst other things. Are you managing to get anywhere at the moment or weather holding you back (pushing double buggy in the snow hard enough today if you have a triple god help you!) How old are your lovely girls now?

Girls are 16 months now, all standing, Louise walking pretty confidently. Havn't been out much the last week with the ice and everything but it seems to be thawing now so hopefully will be trying to get out soon.

Everything seems to be getting better now, AD's are working better and CBT is helping. As is my slight obsession with Sookie Stackhouse books!

hi i'm new on here, this is my first post, but i couldn't resist replying. I have found that ever since i got pregnant,some people can be lovely, and some people aren't. but i put it all down to jealousy! I might be being a tad vain, but i look at myself with my gorgeous fella and our two beautiful boys and think 'yeah, i'd be sick with envy if i saw u too '. Just to flip-reverse it for you! Crikey, you have TRIPLETS, how special and blessed are you?! you have had a pregnancy and birth that is so unusual, other mums will be threatened by the fact that you can even leave the house with three children, neer mind anything else!

i have found other mums to be the worst offenders, but i put it down to jealousy of my perfect double act and move on! xxx

I so know how you feel.

I agree with the others that things do get easier as the babies get older. Once they're no longer in a pram and therefore not so obviously multiples I think they and you blend in more.

But I do get so cross with some of the parents at school. My twins are in reception and every morning I get them and our toddler into school. I get soooo fed up of the pity and sympathy and negative comments. I'm not struggling, I'm on time, I am reasonably respectably dressed and showered.

I'm no different to any other parent - but there are some mums who just see this tragedy of having multiples. It's all head shaking and sighing and "it must be so hard". They won't talk to me about anything else! Everytime I change the subject they get it back round to "but of course you have twins so therefore hanging out washing/shopping/seeing this film will just be a nightmare for you".

I could literally be wearing a big sign saying "i couldn't be happier having twins - my one ambition since birth has been to be a mother of multiples" and they would still just pity me.

And that DRIVES ME MAD! Feel sorry for someone who has real problems why don't you!

Sorry rant over. I had CBT about 8 years ago and I still use the techniques now, I found it brilliant. Glad it's helping you. I find my mother and MIL don't get the multiple thing at all either, they frequently come out with odd comments or just take all the incidences of bad behaviour (which aren't more than any singleton child I know) and they blame it on the fact that the girls are twins.

I wanted to post an objective view as someone with 5yo twins and a nearly one year old singleton.

When I just had the twins i couldn't understand peoples attitudes and questions about twins, but at the time they were the centre of my world and couldn't understand why people didn't see things how I did.

But now I've experienced the singleton life I can be a bit more objective I guess....if you've only had one or none, of course you are going to come out with "you must have your hands full" or "double trouble" because if we are honest, we do have our hands full and it is more than twice the work. I look back at the early weeks with DS3 and i think shite, I found that quite hard with one, I must have been shit hot to cope with two, so it has kind of reassured me that I did my best.

As for the "I would never want twins" "I would rather be dead" comments - yes harsh, yes insensitive to say so close to someone they can clearly see has twins/triplets - but when I was pregnant with number three, I did not sleep until the 12 week scan when we found out it was just one. Where we would have 'coped' if it had been twins again, I wouldn't have enjoyed it and I was determined to enjoy at least one of my kids - so I can almost see what those 'other' mums mean....one is easier, one is nicer, well it was for me. I am of course now left with immense guilt that I did not feel the same about the twins when they were babies as I do about DS3 - but not a lot I can do about it now. I wouldn't wish twins on anyone unless they truly and deeply want them, as although they have grown into wonderful who do entertain each other and are very clever and loving - I hated the first year or so and it almost put me off having more - luckily it didn't!

I take my hat off to you that took to life with twins like ducks to water, but I eyed my singleton mum friends with ill hidden envy, but now I know how they felt and completely get why people fire another one out almost straight away - it's a doddle!

Sorry to go against the grain, but I don't think most people are being nasty, they just don't understand - and why would they - you only get it when you've been through it, and if you've only experienced one, and found that hard, you are not going to find that person wishing for twins next time are you!

Meeeley you make some very sensible points (and I'm really interested to see that you have kids of such similar ages to mine, my twins are 4.6 and my toddler is 13 months).

However I still don't think it justifies people being so rude. For instance I have three girls and I love them to bits.

If at the moment of conception first time around some magical being had asked me if I wanted twins or a singleton - to be honest I would have said one baby please.

Second time around if someone had asked me if I wanted a boy rather than a girl I probably would have chosen a boy - just for the experience of parenting a boy and to have a male companion for DH!

I know for a fact that some people think that we would have liked a boy for our third child instead of another girl.

However they would never dream of saying it to my face. In the same way I don't see why they have to say their feelings on me being unfortunate having twins. Surely as adults we can all learn to filter and think before we speak?

If I had a friend who had had a 5th child of the same sex or her third set of twins - I wouldn't comment negatively. And I think even if I hadn't had twins I still wouldn't comment negatively. Surely every child is an amazing gift - you may have got more children than expected in one pregnancy - but why must people look at this negatively?

Meeely, I'm going to be in the same boat as you in a few weeks time! Twins are 3 3/4 and baby singleton baby due in 7 wks! I'm so interested in what it's going to be like be a singleton Mum compared with the twin Mum I have always been. It's going to be very noticable because my two are at school, so all the baby groups etc, I'll be a singleton Mum! WIERD!!!

You've written some very interesting points, much of which I agree with, especially about being very jealous of singleton Mums in the first year! However, now I just think I was incredibly lucky to have been 'chosen' to have twins. Food for thought i think!

Hi
Mum to 5 year old triplets, I have experienced some negativity, once round a shopping centre when one woman looked at them and said loudly to her friend that 'look, triplets' how awful, i would rather be dead wouldn't you'. I was horrified, especially as my gorgeous children had had such a struggle to get into this world and really are everything to me, that someone should say something so horrid was beyond me. I make sure I dress my three differently now, and as they are different heights you don't often get noticed, we definitely blend in and look more 'normal' as a family. When they were babies bizarre people were always coming up and asking if they could 'feed one', or hold one, sometimes even stopping their cars so they could get out and have a look. Peoples attitudes go from being completely gaga over three babies to just down right bitchy with not much in between. Either way it was enough to put me off takeing them out on my own for a while!

Vintage V I agree with you, people do seem to have extreme views over multiples. I was taking DD1 into school this morning with the twins in their buggy & I passed 2 women, the first one said 'that must be such hard work' and the second one said 'I always wanted twins'. I would never deny to anyone that I have found looking after the twins really hard work but I feel so blessed to have them all the same. I don't think I'd have chosen to have twins but now I'm so glad I did.

When I was in hospital just after I'd had the twins, other mums would come round just to see them. One mum said 'I always wanted twin girls'. It made me feel very special and lucky.

All the same,I'm hoping that the first 2 years are the hardest (my twins are 20 months now).

To be fair now that my 3 are 16 months we have started getting more positive comments than negative. Its lovely when someone stops you in the street and all 3 girls are beaming at them and they tell us how its made their day. I cannot even imagine not having 3 children although I do have those moments when I think how easy would this be with just one? But then you have to remember that there must be different issues with single children and with multiples and each has their own challenges.

I agree, rude people exist, and no one should EVER look down their nose and say such scathing things like "i would rather be dead" within half a mile of anyone with multiples.

But my mind honestly boggles at the thought of triplets, I send ooodles of virtual praise and presents to every single mum of triplets here. At least with twins I had two arms, two hips, hubby and me could have a baby each - two was 'balanced' if you will - how on this gods earth did you function when they were titchy?? It is honestly a mystery to me and I would have collapsed in a heap and checked myself into an institute had I found out I was having 3 when I was pregnant with DS3 - but that is only because I knew how hard 2 was. If you have no experience of ANY kids, then you just get on with it I guess like I did with the twins.

You will find most of the rude comments come from people who found one hard so can't imagine 2/3/4 or who just don't like kids at all - PND could also be a big factor - I suffered with the twins and I was in a very dark place for a while, so could well have made scathing comments like that - but hopefully didn't!

Thanks god for DS3, he has made me complete and reassured me that I am not a bad mum at all - he is awesome!

kathryn You will LOVE it - honestly - especially if your others are at school....mine were at nursery for 3 days a week when I had DS3 and I went to every mum and tot group going - it was great being able to swan in with him and not have to shove your very wide buggy through very narrow doors, to be looked at like you were an alien from outer space with your MASSIVE pram bag (oh and you must treat yourself with a NICE nappy bag - just because you CAN!), and proceed to look at you agog when you manage to tandem bottle feed them while drinking tea and eating a biscuit! MINT!

Hi Timesofhope, yes agree with you, when my friends would say they hated complaining about their singleton baby when I had three to contend with i would always say that one can keep you up all night just the same as three can!
I suppose only every having the three and not experiencing one at a time, I can't imagine anything else and to me it seems very normal. Although with no family nearby when they were babies it was hard graft, but very doable. and now they are just heavenly and magical, bless them!

Same here vintageV, I've only ever known triplets but I can imagine the problems with only having one at a time, I never BF mine which meant if someone was visiting I could just hand a baby to them and they could feed. Same with night feeds being able to share the load with dp rather than it being all up to me to provide the food which I imagine can be exhausting.

The thing I find really wierd going to toddlers with just one baby is that people expect you to, like, do stuff to help!

After nine months of having two three year olds and a tiny baby and struggling to toddlers and then having small twins before that I had got quite used to never having to make the tea! I'd offer, but always get distracted by nappy changes/tantrums/falling over toddlers etc.

Now I have to make whole rounds of coffee to make up for it! It is nice though, especially as I can also be one of those kind mums who used to help me - helping other people with their children/doors/holding a baby for a friend who has twins at our toddler groups.

The other wierd thing with one is having to entertain her so much more! I remember when the twins were one they absorbed so much of eachothers energy. They would spend hours crawling or toddling around our kitchen island and screaming with laughter when they saw eachother round the other side. I find myself thinking "dd3 can't you just entertain yourself for a minute like the girls used to!" and then feeling sad for her that she hasn't got this instant pal to play with all the time.

When my big twins are getting on well they can absorb eachothers time for ages - all their peers at school are doing activities every night even thought they are knackered after school. My girls are much happier to come home and play and we just do swimming once a week instead.

I stopped going to 'normal' playgroup because of the attitude and started going to my local Twins Triplets and More group. so much nicer and so friendly and mostly no stupid comments.

Hello, take heart, I was horrified to find out i was having twins now it seems the biggest blessing ever.

Stay away from single baby playgoups etc its full of thoughtless PFB mothers saying things like 'oooh it takes me soooooo long to get out the door' WTF with ONE baby!!

However multiple clubs are in my experience, v helpful and supportive, so find one if you can.

In a few years time, you will be like me, swanning into school at 4 to pick them all/both up from the same after school activity and can look down on those with kids of different ages, who are back and forth like a yo-yo!!

Sorry for the hijack, but I need to vent my frustration at an email I received this morning, and I quote:

"xxxx has told me your news ? I don?t know quite how to respond ? congratulations BUT ????.. In any event I am sure it will be wonderful once the early years are over."

WTF?? And this was with the time and forethought to write an email, so not exactly put on the spot. Never mind the fact that perhaps having triplets is going to be wonderful from the start? Okay so I'm not totally deluded and know it'll be bloody hard work and exhausting, but maybe also a little exciting and magical and SUCH a blessing if we manage to bring these little ones into the world safely. Grrrrrrrrr.

CakeBuddy, this is exactly how people responded to me!

Honestly some people should learn when to shut their mouths - having triplets is a blessing. Yes it is hard work and you will feel exhausted at times but you just get on with it. People hear my routine and are shocked but its just the norm for me and dp. Its actually a pretty decent routine that starts at 7.30am and ends at 6.30pm.

Oh cakebuddy, people are so thoughtless! And i bet they thought they were being very sage and wise and had congratulated themselves on their wording.

I remember DH telling his godmother I was pregnant and expecting twins. She particulary prides herself on being very wise or very smug as I see it! She came up with something very similar to your friends - why can't people just say something positive.

My mum has had so many years of me ranting about this that she now rushes up to strangers with multiples and comes up with this torrent of "my goodness you're so lucky, you must be so thrilled"!

@Times of hope - thank you, and wow remind me to request a copy of your schedule once the babies arrive, I'd love to think we could get everything done in 11 hours per day (even if things aren't necessarily achieved in the conventional order!)

@ HattyYellow - good for your mum, bless her heart! I must say, I've warned DH that if we ever meet other people with multiples that we're only allowed to tell them the good bits, unless they specifically ask otherwise!

TimesOfHope!

All them negative people are just jealous, and have no idea what they are talking about. THe Next person who comments negatively about your twins, you say to them squarely in the face, that YOU feel sorry for THEM, and talk about how wonderful your twins are, how well they compliment eachother and how quickly independant they are becoming. Completely disagree with what they say, and put them right before they carry on with verbal nonsense; Of course your hands are full, but its twice the fun, and yes, I agree with the above- you should be extra proud of yourself!!!

I'm a twin, expecting twins, and if I ever come across a negative 'you got your hands full' comment, I'll cut them down before they can finish! haha!
All the best!

Teki xxx