Why are people like this?

[Timesofhope]

Something which has been going through my head pretty much since I had my 3 girls last year is the behavior and attitude of some people to multiple parents.

You would think that people (esp other mums) would be friendly to you when they see you have twins/triplets or whatever. Me and my OH have been to our local childrens centre a few times in the hope that we would meet some like minded people and possibly make some new friends with children our girls could get to know. No chance - as soon as you walk in the door with three children you seem to turn invisible. We had a few mums hover over the girls and say the usual 'you've got your hands full' and 'bet its hard work' but overall everyone was too busy having a competition over what their child could/couldn't do (look my child can sit up!)

The nail in the coffin was when one of the staff members said to one mother 'would you want twins or triplets?' to which her reply was 'i'd rather be dead'

Why can't people think before they speak? I don't want to spend an hour around people who think having multiples is the worst thing in the world and are not shy about expressing how awful it must be for me coping with triplets when I cope fine and have the best kids ever.

Sorry for the rant, i'm just feeling rather lonely and sorry for myself tonight. I wish I had a friend to talk to sometimes but i drove the only friend I had away.

I found this when my twins were little, you just get dirty looks because you hold everyone up and so on. Now they're older (nearly 6) and don't need to be entertained by me or by playdates as they have each other, so I get the last laugh (for now anyway!). Some people are jsut ignorant and rude, ignore them and enjoy your trio

I felt like I drove my friend away with my attitude. I had been friends with him since we were at uni together about 7 years ago. He stayed down south when I moved to Liverpool but we used to meet up if I was down south or he was coming north, plus he and my OH became pretty good mates as well.

We have both had our issues, he has M.E. and has recently moved with his girlfriend to China (as she is Chinese and he has always wanted to live and work in China) and I spose I already felt like I was gonna lose him as a friend.

I never told him I had anxiety and depression problems and this weighed heavily on me, but now that I am about to get help for it (finally) I decided to tell him. I was expecting him to be supportive as I found it really difficult to admit to my problems, but he seemed like he didn't really care. He said that when I told him he was in a house full of other people who were demanding his attention. I flew off the handle a bit because I would have thought me telling him such a huge thing for me was more important than whoever else was with him.

So, I basically told him that he wasn't a good enough friend and that I needed friends who were actually there for me and willing to listen. I havn't heard from him since and I can't contact him now cos he's in China. I felt really stupid afterwards because he's my oldest friend and now I don't have any.

Hi Timesofhope, I have twin girls who are 18 months and an older daughter who's not in school yet so I know what it feels like turning up to play groups with 3 kids in tow. tbh I think I'm gonna give up going until my eldest goes to school (January). It's so hard keeping an eye on all 3 of them & entertaining them while the other Mums are all relaxing and chatting with 1 baby to look after. I just find it virtually impossible to chat with anyone cos I'm running around after all the kids. Mind you, I am looking forward to the time when they'll be older & able to entertain each other.

It's funny how not many people say what a blessing it is to have twins. They always tell me I've got my hands full!!

I do go to the local multiples group though, which is much better. It only meets once a month because I live in a rural area but it's better than nothing. Do you have a local group you can join? Believe me, all the other parents there will have some insight and understanding into how you're feeling. It might make you feel less isolated?

One of the things that makes this all so much harder is my anxiety. It has taken literally 3 years for me to acknowledge that I have a problem, and now that I'm on anti-depressants and about to have cognitive behavioral therapy I do feel like i will get my life back on track. But I still feeling really anxious about whether the therapy will work and if i'll be able to get a social life back.

I just don't want my girls to grow up isolated all because I was too anxious and scared to go to groups and let them be with other kids.

I do know what you mean. I went to the parent and baby screening at my local cinema and on the way out a group of women were talking about 'how awful' it would be to have twins and how it would have been the 'worst thing' to have found out during pregnancy that they were carrying twins - and I was standing right there, with my double buggy!!

What about your local twins club if you have one? I do like going there and not being the 'freak' family.

timesofhope I think you are quite special to be able to admit that you have a few issues. Good on you. Your girls won't grow up isolated because you are aware of what's happening. It must be a constant uphill climb.

londonlottie I LOVE your call - "Er, yeah, cheers for that - you TWAT"
ha ha ha

Thank you so much jenny, its a scary thing to deal with sometimes, I start cognitive behavioural therapy tomorrow and quite frankly am bricking it. But I know it will help me in the long run so i'm forcing myself to take that first step.

Me and my OH havn't exactly had it easy in life, me with my problems and he became disabled 3 years ago so now cannot work and is in pretty much constant pain. I'm currently fighting for my income support because the DWP think i'm well enough to work, and my partner has just been turned down for DLA which considering his condition is ridiculous.

Still, we look after our three alone since my family live too far away and his family don't seem to take much interest. Sometimes i'm amazed at how well we are doing and it helps that our girls are really good for us, sleeping 12 hours a night, not whinging much during the day and just being all around very smiley happy children.

hiya all,

My mum had my girls (age now 6) for the first time on a sleepover (as they are not local).

They were with my parents for two days. When I drove to pick them up my parents looked at me so pitying and said, we never knew what it was like to walk around with twins.

Major things they found;

• they got treated like a freak show (my mums words not mine)
• People instead of being nice were rude in front of the girls and them - making horrid comments like 'thats why I didnt want babies'

• Those that were nice, asked the same questions again and again - are they identical (which you can clearly see they are), how do you tell them apart?, it must be hard work having two? etc, etc

My mum said she never realised what I go through day in day out with the girls and she and my dad found themselves getting cross at peoples reactions, towards their gran kids.

What I found the most amusing, was her saying that she thought as she had brought up her 3 kids, she would be able to use techniques from her experience to solve quarrels etc, but what she found is her references could not be used in situations, because of the twin thing - for instance - she is getting it because she is older, you need to pay attention to your older brother etc...

For me, this is every day life and I bump in to these people and just think, you have the problem not us, we are so lucky.

People will be prejudice to what they don't understand, its a fear factor of the unknown. So rather than say nothing, they have to reassure themselves by saying something detremental.

All I know is I am blessed with two gorgeous and polite young ladies whom I am very proud of...my reply to them...well I hope they don't turn out like you .

Nic
xx

As a dad of twins I haven't had any negative feedback - apart from the jolly butcher who said "you must have your hands full".

And i don't really take that to be insulting.

I should add that we live in Newcastle where everyone is friendly

'i'd rather be dead' - totally shocked and angry by this comment! What a disgusting thing to say!

I've had a couple of negative things said about my twins - rather you than me and similar. I just put this down to sheer envy.

As far as I'm concerned I hit the jackpot when I had my twins. On the whole most people have been positive so they are the people that I surround myself with and to hell with the rest

People are really insensitive sometimes.

Timesof hope, where in Liverpool are you? I am north near Southport, but there is a multiples club at Wavertree Children's Centre on alternate Monday afternoons, which I might check out. If you're local we could go together?

neenz, thats really nice of you! I live in Hunts Cross but I used to live just a few minutes from the Wavertree centre.

Unfortunately getting there would be a nightmare and anxiety wise I am not there either. My first CBT session starts tomorrow and I am really hoping and praying that it works.

I can't promise anything, but when I have had my CBT for a while and hopefully start to feel better maybe I could venture out to that kind of thing and in which case I will seek you out!

Im in Liverpool and just wanted to let you know that the twins club in Wavertree is no longer on. There is though a twins club every Thursday 10-12 in the Dingle and its lovely. My twins are 21 months now and we go every week. They are all lovely and friendly, the LO's get snacks and the mums tea and toast and a chance to sit and talk properly.

I dont know if you can send PM's on here but if you want to know more about the twins group, where it is etc I can let you know, we are off there in the morning if my dd ever goes to sleep!!!!

p.s I totally sympathise with all the horrible remarks, too many to mention the worst nbeing a woman who crossed the road shouting at me about my 'evil burden' nice lady!!!

Thanks for the info mummy, it's so annoying when websites are not updated! The Wavertree info was on Tamba and www.liverpool.gov.uk too, tut tut. I work on Thursdays which is such a shame cos I would have loved to have come to the Dingle group. Maybe when I am on mat leave again (fingers crossed soon ) I'll come then.

Timesofhope, I really hope the CBT goes well for you. You can find me on FB or the June 08 postnatal thread or the mutliples thread.

Timesofhope, really feel for you about this, I hate being looked at like a freak show but I have noticed that some places people are perfectly fine & welcoming. I just stopped going anywhere where I got that attitude. It's got better as they got older (they're 14 months now, twins though not trips!). I see that yours are almost the same age.

I also dont think it's necessarily just multiples, there were certain groups I went to with my older two and the attitude was poor then, some people are just plain rude whatever, but on the other hand I have had some lovely people come up and tell me how beautiful my babies are.

Hope the CBT is working for you, it does take some time, but excellent for anxiety (I did a lot of it a few years back when I was having panic attacks all day).

Seriously if you're able to try some difference places/activities with them, you will find that some places just click for you and you feel happy & relaxed there as do the girls. I have gradually started talking more to other mums the last few months (mainly because the dt's are more happy to wander about). Netmums is quite good for local listings I find. Do you have a homestart volunteer, any help during the week?

That sounds awful, how can people just think it's ok to be so rude??

I am not a multiple mum by the way - I just wanted to say not all of us are frightened of having twins - I'd love to have them (though of course it must be hard work - but hard work is what you sign up to with kids anyway)

Timesofhope - I'm up north like neenz, I am actually in Southport. Neenz and I have spent a bit of time together after meeting on MN, be happy to meet up with you too if we can arrange it. I only have twins, not triplets, who are 3 weeks old today. Also have a 3 year old and a four year old.

I hate the baby groups, I've hated them since I had my first singleton, people are competitive and judgey there I don't go to groups anymore. I think having a big family and/or multiples just makes you more visible. It just makes people feel more entitled to comment. I've had some lovely comments on my family since I had the DTs and I've had some stupid ones when I had 2 singletons only. I don't really enjoy being so visible and get embarrassed when people try to talk to me about the babies in the street but I'm yet to have a mean comment and I'm trying to be polite and chat! lol

I'm also 25 and I have had major anxiety issues in the past, never had CBT but understand it is very good. Be very interested to meet up and chat with you.

It is because they are threatened. Most 1st time Mums struggle a little bit with the acquisition of one baby, let alond 2 or 3. So when they see a Mum coping wonderfully with multiples, they feel very wary!

In my experience the best thing is to be honest. Say 'yes it was hard work to begin with, but it's great now' or something similar. And to say it's 'double the joy' or whatever, when someone comes out with 'double trouble'.

Hope CBT therapy goes well. try and make it to your twins group. Even though it's miles away. It'll be really worth the effort to talk to Mums who really get it!!

Oh yes, should add I am not tarring twins groups with my group hating brush... more the ones that are open to anyone!

Wow, so much support from people! I didn't think people would understand what it was like!

I had my first session of CBT on Thurs. and it was pretty emotional but eye-opening. I have homework but its all beneficial, its basically a workbook to help me think about how negative thoughts and feelings affect my behaviour. This can then be used to change my thinking and get me out of the 'vicious circle' that is anxiety and depression.

My next CBT is in two weeks but I am having a phone conversation with my therapist next week (which will be a huge step cos I HATE the phone and barely use it)

Like most of the others on here I'd recommend twins clubs but also say it's worth trying lots of different playgroups / clubs because they all vary and you might find one that just happens to be run or attended by more sympathetic singleton mums...Also, if you have it in you to keep going a few times surely some of these mums will get over themselves and see you and your DTs as individuals. I would hope so and good luck!

That's great, timesofhope! I really hope the CBT works out for you. Stay positive - it sounds like you are doing a great job with your girls. I take my hat off to you having triplets - you should be proud of yourself for coping so well!

I agree most mums are just jealous that you are doing so well when they are struggling with just one baby - but I always think having twins made me so laid-back (you really haven't got time to sweat the small stuff have you?!) that is why everything fell into place so well.

Lots of my local playgroups have other twin mums there. I don't have a twins club nearby but there are certainly lots of twin mums, so maybe there are some multiple mums near you that you just haven't met yet? But you know they don't all cope so well. You should be proud of yourself.

Was going to write a scathing comment yesterday about my MIL but thought better of it. Yes, I have problems with her and whenever she come round i'm always left picking over what she has said or done thinking was there some hidden insult in it. She came in yesterday and left with some photos and baby shoes that she wanted as keepsakes which is fine by me but then she called and said she wanted three shoes (one for each child) which sent me over the edge for some reason. When she come round to see the girls they always start screaming and don't stop until shes gone which annoyed me yesterday as they were trying to eat their dinner, and I ended up with Chloe eating hers on my lap. Then as she was leaving she went round each child and kissed them goodbye, got to Chloe on my lap (who started crying as soon as she got near) and then no less than two inches from my face said to me 'are you going to cry as well!'

don't know what she meant by that one but she was certainly invading my personal space when she said it. I then had to tell her all the details about the medication i'm on and what i'm doing in my CBT sessions. I don't want to discuss my sessions with her mainly because she is one of the reasons I need therapy! She has behaved in some horrible ways since i've been with my dp and it has made my condition considerably worse. She however thinks she is a great MIL.

The only good thing about the last couple of days is that my dp's aunt has gone into labour today so is now in hospital about to have a little girl! Really excited about it as its another girl in the family!