Looking for some support from you lovely multiple mums

[Weegle]

I've been lurking (and posted once or twice) in this topic so hope I'm not intruding too much by asking for some support as despite having some wonderful RL friends I seem incapable of telling anyone what's going on and how difficult I'm finding it...

I'm 31 wks with identical girls and have had 4 weeks of hell. It's a long story (aren't they all?!) but basically there's a big fluid discrepancy between the babies. One was slower growing. Then it all seemed to stabilise last week, 'little' one nearly caught up in size, fluid remained disparate but didn't get any worse. On top of this I have an arthritic disease which has flared in pregnancy - is agonising and I've been on crutches and wheelchair for the past 17 weeks. I've been at the hospital for 7 appointments this week - and that's normal. I have a 3 yr old DS who, frankly, is having a rough deal. We are living in a building site (literally) and due to move in to rented accomodation at beginning of Dec - I haven't even started packing. I was JUST ABOUT coping... and then yesterday went for another scan and the fluid situation is worse and they are talking about maybe delivering next week (32 weeks), or at the very least it all being up in the air and a massive unknown. They don't think I'll make it to 34, even though my section is technically booked for 36.

I've now lost it - I can't hold it together. I've been in floods of tears on and off since yesterday afternoon and I can't seem to get a grip on myself. It's a nightmare because I don't even have anywhere private to cry because of the builders (well now I can they've gone for the day). I need to get myself together - this isn't helping things but I feel like I've literally reached my limit with pain and worry and I just don't know how to carry on.

Can anyone reassure me that I'm not entirely losing the plot and that things will be ok? I've never been so scared in my life. I don't even know how to sort out childcare? Do I need to? But then what if it doesn't happen next week and I've asked people to look after DS and then it doesn't happen?

And anyone who can tell me that this is worth it for the future of 3 kids including twins, and not just the tip of an iceberg of hell then I'd be grateful for that too... because I just see a really hard future at the moment Which is ridiculous, because of course I'm looking forward to my 3 little ones, but I'm just so scared about hard it all seems.

Sorry for such a rant and moan - it feels better to write it down.

Hi - sorry I'm not a multiple mum so can't help, but found this in unanswered threads and wanted to bump it for you.

All I would say is that of course it'll be ok. It feels difficult because it is fecking difficult! Well done, woman, for holding it together this far. It strikes me you're probably one of those people who are very capable, very together and who help their friends more than they accept help. Well, it's your turn now.

Those wonderful RL friends you mention will probably jump at the chance to help. Get one of them on standby for DS, so you feel prepared. Get another over to help you pack. Don't worry about weeping in front of builders - get them to make you a cup of tea instead.

And yes, this is the start of something brilliant.

Thank you MrsMT... I'm still very weepy but have at least packed my hospital bag (properly) this morning, so that's all done. DH home and making a start on packing for the move next. I spoke to my best friend who has been fab and is taking DS the day of the next scan with potential for having him for a few days after as well - he loves her and her kids so at least I know he will be ok in the immediate term. What we do after that I'm not sure but will just try and let go of some control (against my nature) and try not to panic. DH very astutely this morning said it's probably seeming so bad because the way I cope with hard situations is by preparing and being organised, and there's too much unknown in this to be organised and planned.

Also read a thread in premmies that was really encouraging about how well they generally do at this stage, and in fact a lot were in for less time than predicted, so that was encouraging reading.

thank you londonlottie - I really appreciate you taking the time to write. I've been vaguely familiar with your 'story' and it really sounds like you are going through it too. You're so right - I need to 'let go' and just go with it: I can't make the builders work faster and get out of my space, I can't make the any difference to when the twins arrive and how they are doing, I can't make the move happen on any date other than the one it is, etc etc... I need to just accept things won't be as organised and ok as I had planned. I think the pain is what's really getting to me - it overshadows everything and I just can't get a grip on anything else because of it (and I'm no stranger to pain - I've had chronic pain for 4.5 yrs!). I just worry for DS at the moment and what will happen with him over the next couple of months and how he will be, but again there's not a huge amount I can do.

Good luck to you - fingers crossed these babies of ours stay put for a while longer... I would feel a lot happier even with 34 weeks I think.

How are you doing in hospital? I hope you're not feeling too lonely - it must be hard in a new country.

weegle
my little girl twins are 1 and son is 3. I also live abroad (NZ) and have a much lesser disability than you (paralysed right arm). I would agree with this mantra
I?m pretty confident in reporting that however you think it will be, it will be so much better, and occasionally so much worse than that

But I would also say that there is an awful lot to be positive about. I reckon it's much easier to have twins when they aren't your first - you know how long stages last, you know what to do with babies etc.
Your situation sounds like it would be extremely hard for anyone to deal with, let alone someone who likes to plan and prepare. When the babies come, planning and thinking ahead will be wonderful attributes to help you through. You will be so immensley proud of yourself to have dealt with such a tricky situation and come through it. Have faith in the babies, but mainl;y in yourself. I hope you start to feel better. Your post made me want to give you a cuddle and a bottle of wine.

ha ha LondonLottie - you so made me laugh over the light fittings (sorry ).... so me. This morning DH said to the builder "don't worry if you get a white shower rail (instead of chrome), it's a tiny detail" - I piped up "no, it does matter - it NEEDS to be chrome"... erm... it doesn't really... I think I am a control freak .

That's interesting about the girls... DS was born at 40+15 and humungous so all I have in my mind is these tiny little scraps.

jennyroper - wow your situation sounds similar to what mine will be like in a year or so... how has your DS taken to having 2 little sisters?

So I'll now have 2 mantras to parenting - the twin one you both talk about and the "this too shall pass" which was my mantra with DS (ie. savour the good as it'll go quickly, and panic not about the bad because it'll go quickly).

Weegle, my twins arrived at 28 weeks a year ago, when DS1 was 2.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year because the twins were so prem, but it's fab having a older one and then twins - the twins worship DS1, and he entertains them whilst I lie on the sofa eating chocolate (ok, maybe that's exaggerating a bit!).

If I could go back in time and chose whether to have a singleton or twins, I'd choose twins.

[has another swig of wine...]

Hi weegle. My situation is different to yours - fraternal twins, went to 40+3 with normal pregnancy and natural MLU delivery in the end, two older children aged 4 and 3. I still found the whole pregnancy terribly stressful and upsetting. I basically was in bed crying and being sick for most of the nine months and had a lot of monitoring and hospital appointments in the last four weeks to help the hospital be confident in giving me midwifery care.

I hate hospitals and doctors. I had episodes of high BP in the last four weeks and they suspected pre-eclampsia but was eventually put down to extreme white coat syndrome as 4 hourly BP monitoring was all fine at home and when left alone in the hospital but went up to 150/100 when someone in a uniform came to talk to me. I hate monitoring machines too and basically the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy were spent on prescribed bed rest with 4 hourly BP monitoring, urine dipsticks morning and evening and bi-weekly hospital appointments for hours of various kinds of monitoring. I felt absolutely desperate by the end of it but it didn't go on for long in the scheme of things and neither will your difficulty. I think, particularly when you are pregnant, stress like this really affects you. It's not difficult to tip yourself over into the taking to your bed and just sobbing mode. You just have to allow yourself the upset and try and focus on the end point.

I was also absolutely positive that breastfeeding and caring for twins as well as two older children would be absolutely horrendous. It isn't. My twins are 15 days now and it is nowhere near as hard as I thought. It is much easier than the pregnancy, partly because even though my pregnancy was absolutely normal everyone tells you things are risky and have a high chance of going wrong. It's incredibly worrying, I found if nothing does go wrong you just spend the entire time waiting for the bad thing you've been promised. I am normally very confident about having babies and am young fit and healthy and normally find pregnancy relatively easy even though I get bad sickness but this pregnancy just absolutely flawed me. I had no idea how hard it would be. I felt terribly guilty about all the extra pressure my incapacity put on my husband and children, that I couldn't really be there for my little boy when he started school and that my 3 year old has spent almost an entire year being babysat by the TV. There's nothing I can do about it - you have to do what you can to get through it.

I don't have any experience of prem babies but I believe outcomes at 32 weeks are very good. Every day that you can keep them going is a bonus. There's a lady called bagpuss on the d'y ever thread, I think her twins were born around 32 weeks and are home and thriving now - she might be a good person to speak to.

I know my experience is nothing in comparison but I really believe things'll be better for you eventually. Maybe not really until your babies are home but I'm sure they will get better.

Thank you both - it's really nice to hear some positive stories. I feel a lot calmer now - much more of the mindset of whatever will be will be, there's nothing I can actually do - and that seems to be helping.

well I've set myself the challenge of packing 5 boxes this morning whilst DS is at preschool - 3 down, 2 to go, but am just exhausted! Also in a lot of pain with the arthritis so am very limited - but once they are packed they are staying put - there's no way I would attempt to move them. DH is literally run off his feet and if I don't do anything I don't see how it will get done. But my friend just called and has offered her DH for the day of the move, so that's another pair of hands. Going to try and recruit in a few more for that weekend too as if I'm in hospital DH won't be able to cope with DS and the move.

Have appt at local clinic today just for BP, doppler etc but next scan is Thursday and all hangs on that I think.

It's quite liberating to not care isn't it?! I think the builder thinks I've taken happy pills - he's running around stressed about a pipe leak and I'm just 'yeah yeah whatever'... how are you doing now LL? Aren't you bored out of your mind in hospital all this time?

Yes - 32 on Thursday - and that's the next scan - been told to come with my bag packed . It probably means nothing but I don't 'feel' like it's going to be this week (denial)... I randomly keep thinking it's going to be 4 Dec... no idea why but my friend today said it's probably because that's the day before we move?! better not be!

That's great about your friend and the move! I need one of them! Unfortunately I think I'm the OCD one and not sure anyone would do it 'right' .

Fingers crossed for Wed for you, and then another week on top... I think 34 would be a good place to get to as I understand they may not even need special care then.