Happy about babies, breastfeeding but can't help feeling hugely overwhelmed by pg and birth!!! Help, new on here too!!!!

[curiositykilled]

I have 2 already: boy 4 and girl 2 (will be just 3 when born). I've got my head around what things I'll need, how hard it'll be to look after them and am feeling happy, excited and privileged to be a twin mum. I am just feeling so downhearted about 2 things; 1.The extra work involved in the pregnancy - I walk everywhere cos I don't drive and have already started getting horrible SPD. My husband's head office is a 4-hour + drive away and they are asking him to travel down for 3 days a week even though he can easily work from home or the local office and this has only positive effects on his ability to carry out his duties as he's not tied up driving and unable to be reached when on-call and is not worn out from driving so much. This is worrying me a lot as often I really struggle to walk even to preschool (15min walk with 2 year old) and back especially when trying to control my 2 year old who hates the pram.

1. The labour and delivery. I had two normal deliveries - The first was planned for midwifery unit (since closed) but had to be transferred to hospital for the sake of consultant signing to give drip due to long labour but with no other intervention. The latter was at home with no pain relief and I had wanted this delivery to be at home also. Our only other choice is the local hospital which, I have only had negative experiences with. They have a very interventionist approach (abnormally high section rates back this up) and I seem to wind them up with my strong opinions about wanting to have a sensible, natural delivery. Anyway, the way they treated me in both pgs has considerably eroded any (limited) trust I may ever have had and I am worrying they'll be eyeing me up for sections, epi's etc with them being multiples. This is not so bad in itself as I am able to assert myself (although this is a daunting prospect) but I am unsure how I can be sure the decisions I am making are sensible ones as I can't trust the information any healthcare profs give me. i.e. I am not averse to necessary intervention but very averse to any unneccessary rubbish.

Main influence is last pg where the local midwife was convinced baby was too small at 36 weeks so sent for extra scan. At hospital head midwife and registrar tag teamed me telling me baby had been diagnosed as Small For Gestational Age and they were "going to keep me in and induce me" right then as "baby was in distress". I was suspicious as they had been against home delivery from start with no medical basis - I was young and a single parent despite planned birth partners being GP with wide experience delivering babies in malawi and UK and medical student. I also like to think I have a good instinct when it comes to pg and couldn't really believe baby was distressed so refused induction and asked for information which had been gathered by the scan. When I checked with my parents and sister (medical doctors and medical student)about the actual numbers they all independently said there was no basis for induction or believed distress as the measurements for size and water levels were all slightly on the low side but well within normal realms. I consequently refused to be induced without seeing the consultant who eventually visited, looked at file and measurements, examined me and said he couldn't see any problems, I should be sent home and allowed my homebirth as planned.

To top it all, that day I had been sent on the bus which actually takes 1 hour+ to reach hospital - toddler in tow and had been in hospital from 2pm till 7.30pm without being given any food for me or my toddler. When I asked they said I wasn't an inpatient so I couldn't have any hospital food and I'd have to go to the vending machine to get a sandwich but I didn't have any money as I hadn't expected to have to go and had spent the money on the bus in a panic thinking something might be wrong with the baby. They said there was nothing else they could do and washed their hands of it.

After the baby was born (at home - she was 7lbs and fantastically strong and tall) they wanted us to go to hospital for a blood test. Fortunately, my mum was around to give us a lift and some support. We were told to go to the postnatal ward and wait for the consultant but no-one knew we were coming or why and so we had to sit on chairs in the mums room next to a coffee machine, which said for inpatients ONLY, for 6 hours - with the baby and toddler and vending machine food that we were told off for eating! Eventually when someone came they only took the blood because my mum shouted (through) tears that all the other mums who'd given birth the day before were laying down in bed whilst I was sitting on a hard chair and she wanted someone to see us right away. Needless to say they took the blood but they had no idea who wanted us to have it taken or why and so took the wrong kind of sample.

Stupid long winded post but hope you can understand why I'm scared of them now and not even written about first delivery!

I can fully understand your feeling re the birth, the hospital sounds terrible for a normal birth let alone for a birth that is a bit more of a step into the unknown for you.

Is an independent midwife an option for you? That is the only way I can think of to get medical advice that you trust. Even if you have your babies in hospital and the midwife is unable to practice, she can be a fully trained advocate for you so you at least have one person there you can trust. Failing that, are there any experienced doulas in your area that have worked with twin births before who could be advocates for you?

Maybe you should post this in the childbirth section too? I'd be grateful if you would...these are issues that I have been thinking about and although very well informed about singleton labours/births the whole twins thing is completely new to me. Are there any good websites specifically for multiples that might discuss this sort of thing?

Good luck, and I am sorry I haven't been able to offer you much.

I have just this second been to the homebirth.org.uk website and done a search on twins...there were a few pages of interest. Would that be any help for some information, even if you do not opt for a homebirth?

Just wanted to offer my sympathy for your terrible experiences with your local hospital Curiosity - they sound hideous. Is there another hopsital within a realistic distance as you can opt to have your babies wherever you choose? I know this complicates further the travel options etc and would need weighing up but it might help you feel more at ease overall. I second what was said above about doulas/ midwives with experience in multiple births - I'm sure it would be really helpful to have an advocate. Perhaps TAMBA (twin and multiple births assoc) could help point you in the direction of people in your area or offer you some more general advice? 0870 770 3305 is their number and they also have a confidential helpline - 0800 138 0509. A twin pg is a v big physical burden. Is there a friend/ family member/ fellow parent who could ease this slighly by helping out with walking your older DCs to school? Could your DH be more assertive in terms of work and cd there at least be a compromise which means you get some more support? Is it time to tell your DD tough, she has to go in the pushchair as mummy has a bad back?! When it comes to delivery I think your experience as a parent and at being assertive & prepared to stand up for what you want will go a long way to helping you. You will also be assigned a consultant at whichever hosp you end up at and this will give you a chance to talk things through with him/her (tho be prepared for seeing different people each time!) Be as well informed as you can as you have been in your previous pregnancies and births and I'm sure you will be fine. Good luck!

AIMS may have some info and be able to provide support too.

I have considered a doula but none in the region appear to have any experience with twin deliverys. I might go a bit further and contact the one I found that seemed good. In any case we have absolutely no spare money and a massive tax bill to pay this year so paying anyone is out of the question but I don't think they'd count us as in need of financial help. My mum is normally a good advocate but she seems to think I'm mad for not wanting an epidural etc and so now I don't trust her - she's not very trustworthy in asserting my opinion anyway. Especially if she doesn't agree, and she tends to force me into what she thinks is best.

We only have one local hospital with maternity services within a manageable distance as they've recently removed our local midwifery unit and maternity services so we already have to travel on poor roads for between 20mins in really good traffic and 2 hours in bad traffic to reach our supposedly 'local' service. Good traffic normally only occurs during the night and rush hour is between 7 and 10 and 2 and 6. TBH without experiencing another hospital's attitude previously I'm at the stage now where I'm so worried and mistrustful of hospital staff in general that I'd find it hard not to be suspicious of them even if they were good, so it might not make much difference even if we had a choice.

I have been trying to get my husband to be more assertive with work for almost a year but he is one of those keep your head down people. I think if they would at least give him a reason why they wanted him at head office that'd be better. Up till now it has been that his contract said watford but they've just drawn up a new contract which says watford too. It's looking like he'd rather leave than confront the issues with his current job but he doesn't seem to be feeling the same urgency as I am. I'm 16+ weeks now, bearing in mind that twins often come early, his 8 week notice period and job searches, interviews, new start dates, availability of jobs at the same or higher level of pay etc, he doesn't seem to be feeling the same sense of urgency that I am! He has, at least, got on with selling our car!

twinmam -Putting my little girl in the pushchair is often more trouble than it is worth - she's extremely fiesty! I have compromised and told her I'm not carrying her anymore so she either walks or goes in the pram without any trouble. I think my in-laws would take my oldest to preschool but I'm loathe start relying on them at such an early stage, I'm trying to prepare for being reliant on them for the end stages of pg and first stages of life with the twins by trying to do it my self until the summer holidays. Also, it's the consultant that's bothering me really, he's already eyeing me for a section.

Rubles - homebirth site is useful thanx. Having a look at AIMS now.

Nightmare re the hospital and sympathise with the pushchair situation - my DD2 is only 15 months and already causing big problems with this! Wonder who your DD takes after with her feistiness ? Sounds like you have reached a good compromise though Good luck with your research. I think many of us with multiples had birth experiences somewhat different from what we may have wished and that medical intervention is much more likely BUT if you are well-informed and accept this I think you will be fine. The birth of my DTs was not what I'd wanted at all: had been planning a home birth until I found out it was twins and then they were both breech, I had various complications and they got them out at 34 weeks BUT here we are now and it really doesn't seem to matter all that much. I think make the pg as easy as possible and start asking for help now but also focus as much if not more on what will happen once the twins are here, rather than how they arrive in the world IYSWIM ie start setting up support etc now.

twinmam - Thanx, tis good advice! You are right, DD definitely takes after my side! My mum says I flatly refused to sit in my car seat - prob less room to compromise on that one! It's hard not knowing how it'll be, it's so different to my last pgs. Thinking about how the babies will be and buying prams and feety trousers is keeping me going!

I've contacted a local doula and she seems very supportive, said she'd like the experience of a multiple delivery and could be flexible with costs. She suggested I should speak to an independent midwife but there's no way we could ever afford that and I'm not sure I would feel too comfortable about a homebirth knowing how long it could take to get to the hospital. This is all making me feel much better though. I feel like I'm getting a bit more control over it.

We also might get away with paying a lot less tax than I thought with new tax rules for capital gains so things might not be so bad on the financial front either - could be £2000 rather than £8000! We're going to take a look around the hospital in a couple of weeks but I'm dreading this slightly. It'll probably be better than I'm imagining but currently have it all in my mind about operating rooms, teams of people and forced epidurals. Ick Spent a while talking to the midwife on the ward about it, think she thought lots of my questions were mad but sounds like there should be someone around to talk to about all these things.

Thanx for the support everyone!

Oh and hubby has been told if he applies for promotion he'll get it, but job would still be in watford and contract is only for a year. Have told him to ask what happens at the end of the year and ask for a higher salary as job is only temporary. Has told his boss he's looking for another job and boss has said they need to carry on talking to see what they can do to retain him. I'm not sure if he's taking the piss with this comment as he knows exactly what they could do to retain him! BUT, it is looking more promising.

Glad you're sounding a bit more optimistic curiosity. You're obviously very practically minded which will go a long way in coping with twins!