Posted in conception but might get more response here - one egg or two ?

[OHBollox]

We're having IVF soon and I have to decide to go for one and maybe miscarry and end up with nothing or go for two and end up with 5 children altogether.
If you were asked to step back in time, would you choose a multiple birth ?

I know someone who had twins by IVF and they were quite premature. Both are fine now but she said had the risks of a multiple birth been explained she would have only had one egg implanted. I conceived id twins naturally and would not wish either of them away but I found the pregnancy a real strain and still find the demands of two the same age exhausting.

Wow, there's a question!

So, you have 3 and you're thinking of 4 but it could turn out to be 5? What ages are your existing children? That's quite important in the consideration IMHO.

I'll link this in to the multiples daily thread for more responses.

Personally...........I conceived my DTs naturally and felt extremely lucky throughout my pregnancy and for the first 6 months. Then I kind of went downhill as I had done far, far too much (moved house twice, partner worked away, tried to everything without asking for help etc etc) and I spent some time wishing I'd never had two babies at the same time.

Now? My DTs are 4. Yes, its been hard work and very, very tiring (we have an older girl of 7) but I am so glad to have had them, so lucky to have had the experience of twins. I feel most at home with the girls on here who know what I mean.

The joy of hearing my twins talk about "us" and "its going to be our birthday soon" fills my heart. When one is hurt and the other brings his/her teddy and passes on a hug or when, after bedtime stories one comes running back through to say "oh, I forgot to hug DT2", the list goes on. Its fab!!!

Don't get me wrong, my DTs argue like cat and dog or any other brother and sister. But they are also a team and its gorgeous.

My vote (and its only one opinion) is to take a deep breath, go for it and see what happens.

To look at it another way: Would you always wonder what it might have been like to put in two if you only put in one? Or would you have total peace with one more child?

Keep us posted! [nosey moo}

Go for 2. You are obviously adept at child wrangling so if you can afford to support them (big enough house etc) have 2 put in. If it is a multiple birth then you will be blessed. My, natural, twins are just great. However I only have them and don't know if I would be considering another addition/s after three like you are, but go for it.

I conceived my twins naturally and wouldnt wish them away for the world,mines are almost a year now and begining to really become a team looking out for each other etc,even when they were tiny babies they could settle each other just being together when nothing else could settle them. They were the result of a number 4 pregnancy so were a huge shock as we jumped form 3 to 5 in one go,we live in a 3 bed house too so very overcrowded !! Love them to pieces i am often told im a natural earth mother person................but would i chose to have twins again ?? no i wouldnt,the pregnancy was great till about 6 months then it was horrendous with a capital H,birth was fantastic then first 3 months home were again a nightmare ,now they are a year and developing their personalities etc they are the most fantiastic little people ever lol

My other children are 8, 6 and 4 and that is another consideration, my own mother had natural twins when I was 9 years old and it was as if I didn't exist from the moment they were born, plus DC1 needs alot of attention, reassurance at the best of times.
I don't think i'd regret just having the one if I got the one iyswim, but I'd be heart broken if I got none and two I think would be great, although I maybe living in lala land.
I also don't have any family locally although I imagine friends and my church would flock to help out with twins [hopeful icon]

Hi,
Well I had 3 embryos transferred and only given a very slim chance because of my age (45!) of keeping one. As you can see by my user name I ended up with all three! My first child Matthew had died 4 years previously, he was 14, so although three was a huge shock, I never once considered reducing as I could have done. I am now 56 and my husband is 67, the trio will be 11 in Jan, they are totally exhausting, but my, I feel the luckiest Mum in Kent to have given birth to three beautiful, healthy special kids. I do find the work load hard, I get tired but then they are getting older and so are given jobs of their own to do, such as their own rooms, setting the table etc. There is the cost to take into consideration of course, it does cost a fortune, but how do you measure that in terms of love and joy? Go for it! xxx

And triplets doesn't even TWITCH anymore Hi trips xxx.

OH, remember, it is a juggling act with giving all your children fair attention but you know that already and you are already experienced there. And you have the benefit of knowing how you felt and so you will be very, very adept at handling a careful situation.

PLEASE don't feel I am pulling the scales one way. I am merely trying to show you all sides of the coin so you can measure your decision. There is NO right or wrong here. Its the decision that is right for you and ALL of your existing family.

I have no family to help and everyone was saying they would be there for me when the DTs were born. When it came down to it though,they all visited,took one look and disappeared.

The right decision for DC1 would be to not have any more at all if I'm honest but I feel that she will have her life and I shouldn't let that influence mine should I ?

I am leaning towards one and keeping my fingers crossed.
I cannot imagine for a moment DC1 will be interested in the baby but the younger two would be and I could escape with DC1 for lots of one to one time. But then is that fair on the DC2 and DC3.
Am talking myself out of the whole thing now

We got very little help, ok people called and cuddled, but no practical help which is what we needed. But don`t forget that even your 8 yr old will be able and very capable to help, and will probably love it! It will all work out, but its really no good fretting at this stage, you have got to make up your mind that thats what you really want, I am one of 5, had 4 brothers, and love them all to bits, they have always been here for me when things have been hard.

Whats your worry with DC1?

Oh dear a real x post!

DC1 is very withdrawn and goes into her own room for hours on end, very happy in her own company, has no real friends in or out of school, but doesn't care.
She seems in her own little world and is very happy there but I wouldn't want to isolate her any more or to have her withdraw any more.
Today at the park the little one had daddy to play with, DC2 made a friend and ran off to play with her and DC1 sort of hung around me.
Maybe a baby or 2 will be the making of her, she loves animals and is very gentle with them.

triplet, I imagine that would be the case here, most of my other mum friends have children aged 8+ and no intention of having any more so whilst I bet they'd all have a peek I can't imagine they'd even cuddle if i'm really honest. I'd need to rely on people I currently just say hi to at chuch, much older women wanting to sit and hold them for a while whilst I sorted the house, had a bth etc, probably too much to hope for ?

If she is happy in her own company then dont worry too much. Perhaps that is just how she is. Interesting what you said about having twin siblings when you were 9 and not getting a look in.My eldest DS was that age when we had our twins. I think had there just been one he would have had a much closer relationship with his long awaited sibling. However,it has been nice seeing the twins being so close and always having each other. Have you ever discussed with your Mum her feelings on having twins?

Do you have Homestart in your area? They send volunteers to help families with smallies.We did have a lady caled Heather who came for 2 hours every Tues morning, she was terrified of the babies as they were so tiny, but was a god send with the laundry and shopping. Sadly she left to start a new job, but to this day she has kept in touch and remained a friend, in fact she turned up out of the blue on Christmas Eve which was lovley. My health visitor organized that for me.

Yeah kind of, she (my mum) had the worse PND, utterly undiagnosed at the time. I had a hole in my heart repaired when they were 9 months old and my reaction to less attention was shop lifting and then running off to live with my Dad and her allowing him to gain custody (the last thing I really wanted).
But that was everyone solution at the time, she couldn't cope with 4 kids so the twins went to a childminder twice a week and I went to live with my Dad, problem solved.
Plus her twins were boys after 2 girls, which she made no secret that she'd always wanted and prefered, plus they were very naughty children and made her physically ill at times.
They have an awful relationship with her now.

I am a totally different parent to my mother though so don't imagine for a moment if I couldn't cope i'd push my children away. More likely to let the house go to rack and ruin lol

I have id twin boys. They are VERY hard work and EXTREMELY demanding. It is all about attention though and they tell me I am the best Mummuy in the world which is great[even when they are both climbing on me demanding that I " look at me !!"

I can imagine our two would have been a nightmare, they are impossible to reason with even now at 23.
And all the other stuff she had to deal with too, along with being quite hard up, poor woman.
It's hard not to let it influence though I guess.
However if it had been that horrific I guess I would have just had one child.

When will you be having your IVF treatment? Have they discussed the chances and consequences of having a multiple pregnancy? I know another lady who had IVF as she had been sterilised and was warned that both embryos were likely to "take" as she had no previous fertility problems. She had a boy and a girl twins!

That's exactly the senrio we are facing, I've never miscarried before I have no reason to believe two would take and be perfectly fine.
The other consideration is I had the other 3 so close together, 44 months between the eldest and youngest, so If I have just one he/she will be at least 5 maybe 6 years younger than the nearest sibling and 10 years younger than the eldest.
I am hoping to have it done in June I think, we're desperatley saving up.

*to believe two wouldn't take i meant, although I shouldn't count my chickens either should I.

Let us know how you get on.

Such a hard decision and only you'll be able to make the final choice. And probably it will be a bit of an 'eyes screwed shut' choice simply because it won't be an easy one to make. If you only put one back and it doesn't 'take' then you'll always think "what if" but if you put two back and they both take then that's all the complications you've outlined above.

I think it would be more clear cut if you had no children already but you do and so it's not a question of all or nothing. But there's obviously a deep yearning for another baby and your family doesn't feel complete yet, so that's quite a compelling argument for giving yourself the best shot at a successful outcome. And two embryos put back does increase your odds. Doubles them in fact (no shIT?!) which can make a big difference on not so fabulous success rates.

I had IVF and I put two back. Argued with my embryologist with my legs in stirrups. Not because I wanted twins or an 'instant family', which people tend to accuse you of, but because I wanted a baby. Desperately. And two embryos gave me the best chance of that. I couldn't bear the idea of putting one back to have the cycle fail. And I got twins and although they are my first children which makes it easier, never in amidst the war zone of double tantrums and nightmare routines and sleeps and feeding traumas and prematurity have I ever regretted it. IT is the best decision I ever made.

Good luck with your choice. IT's not an easy one but you'll know the right one in the end. Whatever feels the best will be the best.

Thank you for all the responses, I really appreciate them.
Are there any twin forums you'd recommend so I could get a feel for what I was letting myself in for ?

I think being an experienced parent there is so much I would do differently with the next one anyway so have learnt my lessons and am not kidding myself it would be easy but I think it would be easier than if I got twins first time around or with a small age gap.

When they put the embryo's in do they have all the good ones sort of available and then choose whilst you have your legs in the air which one goes in ?
Am slightly horrified by that how do they choose which one lives and which one doesn't, and was your Dh there whilst it happens ? I'm going to end up with 6 at this rate.