Rocking twins to sleep (16 months old!). Please help

[MumtoTwinGirls]

Hi. We really need some advice about gettings our twins to sleep. One of them has always been cuddled / rocked to sleep. She sleeps fairly well. Through the night a couple of times a week. The other one had a dummy which we took away when she was 11 months only to replace it with rocking! We didn't think that one through! She wakes 2-3 times in the night and only settles when she's cuddling me in bed. We don't know where to begin getting them to sleep on their own. They cry when we put them in their cots unless it is to play. Even then they cry to come out within 5 minutes. (They share a room) Having them in our bed when they wake in the night isn't too bad but we really need to be able to get them to sleep in their room in their cots. I'm a soft touch and I don't want to traumatise them. They hate me leaving the room during the day let alone at night! Any advice would be great!

They need to learn to settle themselves to sleep on their own. You are just going to have to go cold turkey I'm afraid (no xmas pun intended!). Leave them and keep going in to shush them every few minutes. Loads of different methods you can try - some more gentle than others, lots of advice on here, search the sleep threads.

If you want more specific advice then keep bumping this thread - boards will be very quiet tomorrow so you could try again on boxing day. Sorry not to be more helpful, rushing now as need to get some sleep! Good luck.

Another thought, I don't know how pushed you are for space but you may find you need to separate the twins for a bit for them to learn to settle? Just a thought, haven't twins myself but a close friend has and thats what she had to do in the end!

Thanks. Thought about separating them temporarily but don't know if they will get unsettled again when one in spare room (my office) goes back to her room?
Will bump the board in a few days. Just feeling exhausted from the rocking tonight! Should get some sleep too. Happy hols

You don't have to go from helping them get to sleep to nothing if you don't want to. I also don't have experience of toddler twins, my twins are only 5wks, but my first child was a complete nightmare - mainly because I never taught him to settle himself to sleep at the start. I've always been against any form of control crying, so we had him in our bed and I fed him far too much in the night. We got to somewhere over a year when we just couldn't cope any longer pacing the floorboards rocking him to sleep every night and several times in the night. So god knows how you're managing with two not sleeping well, well done for coping this long.

I got some common sense advice and support off the lovely nursery nurse that worked at our local health centre. She suggest that if we didn't want to leave him to cry then we had to work on gradually removing the props that we used to get him to sleep, it would take longer and it would involve some crying but we didn't have to dump him in his room and shut the door.

We got him a new bed(2nd hand) and put him in his own room, then NN suggested spending some time over a week or two playing in there to get him used to it, then once he was to start sleeping in there laying down beside him at bed time to give him the reassurance to go to sleep, when he was ok with that to then put a chair by his bed and hold his hand, next stage to drop the hand holding, next moving chair away from bed, next waiting out side room giving vocal reassurance, then final stage putting him in bed going through usual routine, story, song, kiss goodnight, then leave room and go downstairs, but returning to give reassurance when needed.

This wasn't easy, but it did work eventually, we missed out the laying down next to him bit and thought new room, new start we'll see what he can manage, he only took a few days to accept that I wasn't going to rock him or lay down next to him. There was tears at each stage, but I felt that we never abandoned him to do it alone.

Having never taught him early on to sleep well he's now 2.5yrs and still not a good sleeper, any change to his routine ie vistors, illness, or a missed nap the day before can mean we have a bad night. We've also found that if we go to him in the night now to settle him when he wakes it means he will wake more that night and the next night. The more we go to settle him the more he wakes - so sadly the only thing that seems to stop him waking more is leaving him to cry. It breaks my heart every time. Sorry about adding the gloomy bit on at the end after telling you there is hope - I just wanted you to be aware that once you get your twins sleeping through that it might not mean it's plain sailing from there on in.

I really hope that you are able to find a solution that you feel comfortable with. You might be able to get some good advice from your health centre. Hope you have some peaceful nights soon.

Thanks so much Frangipani74. That was so helpful! Our cot sides don't drop so I can't lie next to either of them but can definitely sit between the cots and hold their hands. I know there will be tears either way and I'm dreading them setting each other off. Ahh so nervous to start this. Thanks so much everyone for posting. It really helps. Will let you know how it goes... Open to any advice till then

So many people don't realise that you have to teach your children how to go to sleep on their own. Theearlier you do it, the easier it is. I would start now before they go into beds etc!!!

We did the leaving to cry thing and it was ok. We would go in every 5 mins and stroke their head, say 'night night' and go out. The first night it did take about 45 mins, but he second night was only 15 mins, and from then on, it usually only took 1 visit.

If you don't want to go down that route, I know a lot of mums who put a mattress/airbed in their children's rooms and lie with them until they go to sleep. The only problem I found was that I would fall asleep too!! Didn't work for me.

Sorry forgot to say, you must stick to whatever you decide! If you start and then give in, it will be worse the next time you have to do it. And you will have to do it sometime!!

I'm having a similar problemwith my 14 month We've tried sitting with him until he's asleep then creeepng out and although sometimes it works often it doesnt and he wakes up - even if we've been sitting there over an hour. And several times during the night. He was doing quite well, going down well and only waking at 5am but we've just been away for christmas and he's back to being a nightmare. Last night he slept from 7.30-10pm then screamed til 2.30am. Slept til 5.30 - screamed til 6.15 and then was awake again at 7.30. He's always had a good bedtime routine - dinner, play, bath, milk bed by 7-7.30. He's always exhausted and so clingy. I've no family nearby to help out and expecting twins in 2 months. Not sure what else to do? Any advice would be really gratefully appreciated

Hi
I managed to get one of the girls to sleep to in her cot last night! It took 45 minutes but it worked. She slept from 8.45-3.30am then was crying for me. I eventually took her into bed but I'm just amazed she did it. Now I have the dilemma of whether to keep going or to try both together tonight. I thought I'd try with her first as she is usually easier to get to bed. Any thoughts on whether I should give up our office/spare room and separate them or try both together tonight? I'm sure there will be crying involved and I managed to get one of them to sleep with no hysterics so I don't know if I want to let them both get upset now?! That said it was a one off so I don't know if she'd do it again.

Jerin - I'm sure you've thought of this already but have you checked if your son's molars are coming in? The girls were in a lot of pain with them from around 13.5 months and it lasted for at least 6-8 weeks. They woke screaming in the night and we couldn't calm them down. Once they were through they were still waking at night but a lot calmer about it and went back to sleep more easily.

Thanks mumtotwingirls- sorry I cant help with your dilema but hope last night was ok. My DS still has no teeth so it could be that - I've been thinking they're coming thru for about 8 months now and making excuses for him!! He was much better last night and slept until 4.30 from about 7.30pm. Think he only woke as DP disturbed him when getting ready for work. Put him in bed with me and he slept til 8 so at least he's happy today...

I really sympathise with both of you Mumtotwingirls and Jerin, my son was over year and half before we got him sleeping through it's really tough.

Jerin I've read in several books about sleep that how your child gets to sleep for the first sleep of the night is how they will want to get back to sleep when they naturally stir. We all drift in and out of sleep in the night it's normal, if a child has managed to get to sleep on their own at the start of the night they will find it easier to get back to sleep on their own in the middle of the night. So whatever help you provide them with ie, sitting by their bed is what they will expect when they wake. You've done well to get him to the stage of only sitting by his bed to help him get off to sleep, the next stage I guess is tucking him up kissing him goodnight and then leaving the room and depending on how you want to play it, returning every few minutes - however many you're comfortable with, or leaving him to cry. Whatever you do it's tough. We found you have to make a decision and then stick with it - (unless you feel it's really not working)

mumtotwingirls tough decisions, but like Kathryn suggested you have to stick with what you've decided to do at the start of the night if you want to get it to work. (unless it's glaringly obvious that it's not going to work) Consistency is so important.

I really hope nights of unbroken sleep come to you soon.

I found this book invaluable, Dr Richard Ferber

You can dip in to just the sections you need but the one on sleep cycles might help. It shows all sorts of stuff that might help. One could be how morning naps that come early can actually have a bad effect on the night sleep. He shows how the morning nap coming too early is part of the night sleep broken by breakfast (useful to know if you have children who continuously wake at 5am for example). I changed my DT1's nap and made it later in the morning and within a few days she was not waking at 5am, I could have danced with the man

Its also good for all ages of child and problem, I have consulted mine a lot over the years.

I would agree with fragipani too. Sounds like you have developed a sleep habit and you need to replace it with another one.

I like the way Dr Ferber explained it.........imagine you have fallen asleep in your bed and when you rouse slightly in the night your pillow is missing. No sign of it anywhere. You'd wake up fully and be alarmed. Who's taken it? Why? If your babies fall asleep on you there is nothing wrong with it but you are teaching them that they need you to sleep (totally fine in the early months but maybe not so good when they are older and you are gagging for time and sleep of your own).

You'd need to re teach them a good habit. So just pick what suits best. Cot in your room? Cots in separate rooms? (I have my DTs in separate rooms because they sleep very differently and one was disturbing the other) Then you prepare yourself for a time of unrest while you reset the sleep routine.

Bath, bed, story under the covers or
Bath, story, milk or
Milk, bath, bed

Whatever suits. And do lots of chatting about being sleepy and say "bedtime" a lot in a nice voice. Then pop her in her cot and say something like "bedtime now, love you, night night". Leave the room. She will cry and cry and you have to keep popping in and repeating this. "Bedtime now" lay her back down and cover her up.

I suppose its controlled crying. She sees you are there and around but she learns that you won't be moved. Its bedtime and no matter what she keeps being gently spoken to and laid back down.

When it works, its heaven. There is nothing nicer than popping down a sleepy baby after a warm bath and a cuddle and then standing outside their door listening while they chatter or sing themselves off to sleep.

For me, it worked in two nights. Sometimes is takes weeks.

Prepare for it to be hard but focus on how you want bedtimes to be from now on. You don't want to be stroking the head of a nine year old until she falls asleep. You don't want her not being able to have sleepovers with friends because she hasn't learned how to sleep. Go for it. I wish you luck and let us know how it goes xxx.

I've just read frangipani's earlier post and I needn't have posted all my drivel Good luck xxx.

I have used CC with my twins (8mo), they also sleep in separate rooms which makes it all so much easier (eg if they wake in the night I don't have to rush into them and they often resettle themselves without me going in).

CC is not the only way but it is quick (but painful) and there is no evidence it does any long-term harm (it is still very controversial esp on MN tho).

It will be hard but you just have to decide on your routine and stick to it. Google 'controlled crying' for more on the details of what to do. Just remember in four days time your twins will be sleeping soundly on their own so just stick with it!