Newborn twin contact with dad

[PositiveMel]

ended up waffling, i just want to know if im being unreasonable and if anyone has any suggestions at all

Thank you in advance ☺️

Hey, so my twins are 4 weeks old, me and my ex broke up during pregnancy, he came for scans but other than that I heard nothing. When we did speak, he would argue about the past.
Anyway, since having them, he was there at the birth, the first week he came every day for half hour, then he got upset with something I said, disappeared for 2 weeks, and since speaking again, he has seen them once for 1.5hrs.

He says he cant stand being around me, ive offered to go and do housework etc while he is over but its not good enough.

Im still learning how to deal with twins alone, navigating the sleepless nights and chaotic days, and trying to establish syncing the girls and some sort of routine etc.

He has said he wants the take the babies to his for the day, bare in mind, he has nothing there for them, hes seen them for about 4 hours of the month they have been here and hasnt even changed a nappy.

Ive explained id feel more comfortable with him coming here until I know he is okay to deal with both babies, on his own and until hes bonded with them a bit more, but im unreasonable.

Im just looking for advice regarding contact with the babies and their dad, I honestly dont feel comfortable anyone taking the twins until I know they can deal confidently with them, am I being out of line?
Ive told him he has open door policy and hes welcome any day, any time 🤷🏻‍♀️ but nothing aside from him taking them on his own is good enough.

Absolutely not. Newborn babies stay with mum. End of.

What an absolute waste of space. He should respect you and those babies and understand development and that newborn babies need their mummy close by for as long as possible.

he needs to get a grip of himself.

and you should see a lawyer to make a legal agreement about his contact and payment arrangements if you need / want that.

Congratulations on the birth of your twins.
Hope you have support in real life and someone to make you feel amazing.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely no way. Your babies need to be with you, there is no way I would leave a baby with a person who just won't be able to care for them.

My son’s dad suggested this. After not seeing him for 3 months.
told him not a chance- baby didn’t know him and he didn’t know his needs. Especially as he went to fill a bottle with water from the tap.
We built it up gradually. I’d go for a nap/bath or get housework done. Then i’d pop to the shops.
then he built to taking him out for an afternoon then collecting him from nursery while i was at work.
He didn’t have him overnight until he was 2…. His choice.
He admitted later that he didn’t realise how much work it was to look after a baby.
it takes time.

Absolutely no way do you let him take the babies to his place.

Just tell him that the health visitor suggests building up over a period of several months, making sure he can safely change, sterilise , make up bottles and feed the girls before he takes them anywhere other than a 15 min walk in the pramwhich he has to get them into their outdoor clothes and fastened in unassisted first. Probably put him off asking for a while! Congratulations by the way😊

Thank you all, he just says im unreasonable, I just explained its a bit different when there are 2, like you said, he doesnt know what their needs. I said that as I am doing it alone, im trying to establish some sort of routine etc with them and I myself are still learning what they need and how to deal with them both on my own.

Ive made it clear to him that once they start recognising people/voices and dont know him/feel happy with him, then there wont be that chance eventually. And that he should maybe choose a time each day to come for an hour or 2 so they get to know him/his voice etc or choose specific days/times. But to be honest, hes not even bothered about coming to their jaundice appt and hip scans next week either, so I can literally see him disappearing if he dont get his own way or I stop contacting him 🤷🏻‍♀️

And thank you everyone! We are in the thick of sleepless nights right now, but we are....juuuust about surviving lol they are so beautiful and I wouldnt change it for the world, even if it is hard lol

No way, they’re too little. He needs to see them at yours or nothing. He should be there helping you out by being with them while you take a shower, eat, take a nap etc.
Maybe when they’re a little bigger work up to him looking after them at yours wile you go shopping or for a coffee or he could take them for a walk on his own.
I wouldn’t want overnight visits until they’re closer to 12 months at least

Definitely not until they’re at least one year old - and maybe not even then if you’re not comfortable with it. New borns stay with their mum. I wouldn’t even leave my twin babies with my parents or best friend!
Well done for doing this alone - you’re a super hero. Stand strong and do what feels right for you and your babies.

Nope. You’ve offered access and he doesn’t want it on those terms, tough. Let him go to court, they won’t offer anything more just now.
I think he will also disappear, he clearly wants to control the situation and can’t. Are you getting financial support from him.

How are you getting on now @PositiveMel?