Struggling with twins 👯

[Plumb2427]

PLEASE forgive my bluntness but I’d rather be honest. Back then you couldn’t just click on the internet to read other people’s struggles
I can only really discuss how I felt with other mums who have had twins or more.
Hi all, I gave birth to twins one of each 27 years ago. When they were born I had a 2 and a half yeat old little boy. Off I went for my 3 month scan
(been their got the t-shirt sort of attitude)
when I was told it was twins 👯 well I literally fell apart. I cried like a baby (it wasn’t what I was expecting to hear) and I genuinely think that depression kicked in before I left the clinic.
My immediate family were pleased but knew what would be involved in looking after them.
I begun to hate every woman who was pregnant with one baby and shamefully even my own sister-in-law who had just found out that she was only carrying one baby. Why me I thought
why couldn’t I just be carrying one baby
i kept my feelings to myself. Even when people were congratulating me on finding out that it was twins, I wanted to slap them. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that while they were inside me they didn’t need looking after. I felt sorry for my little boy knowing his life would drastically change even though the family I had were brilliant from the moment he was born
Therr would be no shortage of help but it still didn’t make me feel any better. A C-section was arranged due to one baby being breech and complications with my first birth. My husband and I drove to the hospital the day before the babies were due and it felt like nothing but doom and gloom as if I was off to be hung, drawn and quartered! ! I can remember one of the monitors that were measuring their heartbeats slipped off my stomach. The midwife had said if one slips down then to give her a shout but my attitude was I didn’t care ! I just hated the situation I was in. She came back to check on me and i just said I hadn’t noticed one slipping down and I can remember her looking oddly at me. They were born the next day weighing approximately 5 and half pounds each. After a few days I was sent home and then there begins another story of sleep deprivation and not even being able to remember what baby had just been fed. My husband was brilliant but obviously he had to go back to work. I can remember my dad popping in because he only worked round the corner and I just broke down telling him all I wanted to do was pop out for a pint of milk but how could I get out the house?
there were many times when my brilliant in-laws would have them over night but I would wake up in the morning miserable because I knew I had to go and pick them up again
please forgive me everyone for my feelings back then. I should have spoke to my doctor but just plodded on waiting for family to look after them.
as quick as a flash they turned one and next their off to nursery. They are 27 now and still at home.
I will never forget how I felt back then and when I see new mums with twins I always ask them how they are in themselves and not the babies
people see twins through rose coloured glasses especially when it’s one of each. They don’t realise what’s involved.
please get help if your feeling overwhelmed with twins or finding out that your expecting twins
i really hope that no one thinks I’m a horrible person because I’m not I just honestly believe even now that depression kicked in before I had even left the clinic that
day and sadly I couldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling because I felt ashamed that I didn’t want twins
good luck everyone and keep talking

OP, I think it’s a very individual thing. I had twins - when I found I was expecting them, I had a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a one year old (obviously all a bit older by the time they arrived). I actually felt very blessed. I was just worried to death there would be something wrong with them - I had to stay in bed for a month (and my DM looked after the others). Once they were born, I barely had time to breathe, much less go to the loo, and five DC with the eldest a mere five and a half was hard - and I did breast feed them both - but we all muddled through and it was fine. I think it was about then that I gave up doing housework…. It certainly wasn’t all joy unconfined - I remember one particular shopping trip with all the DC (I could just get the pram through the disabled checkout in our local supermarket) when I wondered what on earth I was doing! Their sister used to look at the piles of washing, and say, “Mummy, five is a lot of children.”
I’m really sorry you felt so negatively about yours, because I do think that twins are special, and it’s certainly not given to every mother to have them. (My DC are now all in their thirties, and I have some delightful DGC.)

I had twins myself (22 years old now) and although the first year was hard in a lot of ways there was also a lot of joy. I look back now on all the fun times we had. I totally understand how difficult you found it and respect your need to express this and to encourage others needing help to reach out for it. But to anyone pregnant with twins reading this, don’t be frightened!

Thanks for your replies. I know other mums found it easy having twins but I just want to let others know not to feel like I did and not to get any help. I hope I’m not frightening any new mums off with my experience. We all deal differently with situations that are thrown our way.

I have twins ( preschoolers) and an older one. Lots of what you wrote resonated with me - there is the outside world cooing over the babies and the whole situation looking special and lovely while your experience as a mum is/can be one of forced major surgery, being trapped, sleep deprived to an unbelievable degree, expected to cope with double what another mum does, failing absolutely everything and every one and the babies absolutely not getting the memo that they are supposed to be easier/sleepier/more placid. We had no family help, and at the time lived up a flight of stairs.

My main memory of their first year is listening to the song "Surface Pressure" from the Encanto soundtrack (older DD's favourite at the time) again and again, because that was the best I could do in terms of articulating how I was feeling. The theme of it is the expectation that you are the one who can shoulder all the burdens while everyone else collapses.

I would say though (as yours are adults now) - if what you are describing still weighs heavily on your mind, you may want to find another outlet for it. For example, volunteering for Twins Trust, or HomeStart, or fundraising to buy double prams for expectant mums who are in poverty etc.

And can I add - missing out on a lot of the new mum social stuff, because there is a high likelihood that one or the other baby will be asleep when they need to be awake or vice versa, or both want to be held so you can't have a cup of tea in a cafe, and if one is ill you know it's simply a question of time for the other one. I found a very understanding friendship group and even now they know that I would rather host because getting some decent coffee and biscuits in is a small price to pay to actually be able to sit down for a chat knowing my children are contained and not haring off in separate directions.

I was extremely happy to be expecting twins but it’s been a lot harder than I thought! Seems to be totally different to having a singleton and at times frustrating not having anyone to talk to about it but they don’t understand.

OP I think you had antenatal and then postnatal depression. I’m sorry you weren’t able to enjoy that period of time in your life and I’m sorry that it clearly plagues you even after all this time.

have you had any counselling? It’s never too late to work through it.

We had two sets of twins and a singleton afterward. When the last one was born we had 3 who were 3 years and under... it was a lot. Ours was a conscious decision (not the twin bit) but to have them close together because their is definitely sacrifice that comes from having even one young baby and we were keen to have a 'see through to the end' that stage in their life with the lost sleep, endless nappies and juggling childcare, mat and pat leave etc.

Having multiples is was wonderful for us, but it is a 'public affair'. I really heard what you were saying in terms of other peoples comments and reactions. I know when it felt like we weren't coping to have someone say 'how do you cope' and wanting to say back 'not always very well' was hard.

In parenting, other peoples expectations are a burden that seems so unnecessary and seems to add to the real stress and burden of keeping them happy and healthy - as well as ourselves.

We went to twins classes arranged by TAMBA (as it then was) and the most useful thing we were told was to ignore everyone else's advice, comments and expectations and don't stand on ceremony when it comes to accepting help. When friends and family stopped by (especially in those early days) and said casually 'can I help'... don't hand them a baby, but get them to make the tea, put some washing on, tidy the front room!

Everyones circumstances are different and my wife had a history of depression and so we were hot on making sure she had the help and support she needed knowing she would be vulnerable at those times - and still is.

Be are blessed to be together and a team, but not everyone has that luxury, but as a dad, another twin dad said before our first, 'remember that mums have A baby but parents have twins'. I've never yet met a parent who thought one wasn't a struggle, let alone more.

Thank you for your honesty. I can relate to some of what you've said even though my girls are in their mid-teens. Some things stick with you.

I absolutely LOVE that - a mum has a baby and parents have twins. It’s so true. My husband has helped raise our twins in equal amounts to me - if we’d had a singleton he wouldn’t have don’t half as much - I’ve needed him to support with everything! And he’s so close with the twins.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience but as someone said it's an individual thing. I don't have a twins but I am a twin and have an older sibling too and my parents experience was nothing like yours. My mum never had post natal depression, in fact quite the opposite. She and my dad genuinely loved having us twins and of course it was hard work at times but my mum and dad said they felt genuinely blessed and I grew up knowing how loved we all were.

And we had no family support growing up. Grandparents were all dead and aunties and uncles all lived 3 hours away so and my dad worked away a lot too so my mum was flying solo a lot!

Thank you for this thread. I found out I'm having twins this week and have been rather devastated! I've tried to allow my feelings to come unimpeded and be processed and now I'm coming through a little into a slightly less bleak feeling, but all my visions of what I expected and hoped for have to now be adjusted which is taking a little while (normal I guess). Im also worried about the impact on my body and don't want a c section. Im starting to see positives though like having my second child now because I'm 34 and wouldn't want to have another one straight away.

But it makes me feel validated to know it's quite common to be gutted! I'm so sorry your experience was so hard OP. Did it get better at any age OP? It's useful to hear yours and other perspectives on this thread.

My siblings are twins so I absorbed messages of it being a lot of work for my mum a lot throughout my life. However I've also seen them have a great relationship and a lot of fun. Was it less common back then OP? Did you have good gear like double baby carrier etc? Sorry for the ignorance but i just know its more common now so maybe slightly easier for mums now in some way