Twins and husband away working days at a time

[Twins28]

Hi I have baby twins (9 months ) and three other children all aged under five
i struggle in the evenings particularly trying to settle all the children for bed alone particularly my baby twins who cry wanting comforted and I have to go between them for several hours in order to get them settled and to sleep. I am still breastfeeding them so that does take some time.

My two year old also requires about half an hour to an hour of settling so I'm going between three babies for a few hours each evening. My twins still waken through the night so I am up four or five times at night with the twins and my two year old is then up at 5:45. I have been paying for a childminder to mind my daughter for several hours in the morning when my husband is gone so that I can get some sleep when the twins sleep and do chores. I have no other help . I am really struggling and despite having been doing this for nearly a year now it feels like breaking point. I am exhausted all the time. Can't think straight. My mother had been assisting with the older two children by collecting them from their afterschool club around four or five in the evening and taking them to her house where they would spend the night. But I missed them terribly and tbh they can assist me here by occupying one twin while I try to settle the other. I tried to explain this to my mother recently and that it isn't particularly helpful any more and a better help would be if she could come over to my house for even just a few hours one afternoon in the week to help me feed the kids and get them ready for bed. She refused and said she couldn't commit to that. I have no help other than the childminder whom I won't even be able to afford anymore as my statutory maternity pay has now expired.
I would be grateful if anyone could offer me some tips and advice on how to survive this period ? My husband is great when he's home but he's only home for three nights at a time . My husband had to return to work after his two weeks paternity leave and then used annual leave at various points thereafter but other than that I was alone with the twins. My parents did help in the evenings for the first few months but my mother kept saying the help had to come to an end and couldn't continue so I was made feel like a burden . I
just would love some support to be the best mum I can be to my kids

It sounds like extremely hard work and probably will be for a few years, you'll look back one day and this will all be a blur.
It was bound to be hard even without the youngest being twins. It would be great furore help but it's not something you can expect unfortunately.
I'd let my mum help as much as she was willing to even if it meant them staying at hers the night, twins are hard but it's not your other children's place to help you.
Take any help you can get and don't be hard on yourself, will you be going back to work soon? That will be some respite and time to be you.

Hats off to you!! I have 2 under 2 and my partner works away mon-Fri and after his 3rd day of paternity leave he cancelled it and went back to work as he’s self employed.
I keep telling myself it’s difficult now but it will get better, your still in the trenches now and will be for the next year but things will get better.
Id ask your mum for help again to see if they can stay at yours mums. Can you express and put it in bottles?

Sounds really hard 😞
Do you have Homestart in your area? They're a great charity that provide a volunteer to help people in your situation, only once a week or so but would be a help.

When I had 3 dc and dc3 was a newborn and H worked long hours; a local sixth former used to come and be a 'mothers help' in the evening after school until bedtime. She loved cuddling the baby and was great at reading stories/doing reading or spellings with the other ones. I didn't have to pay her too much.

It is too much for you so no surprise it was too much for your mum.

Is your husband away 4 nights a week? It isn't clear. Essentially, he is the father and he needs to change his working pattern to parent his children.

when do you go back to work and what will you do then?

No it isn't to be expected but it is difficult to accept when my mother does commit to helping my sister with her one and only child one afternoon a week and her husband does not work away.

i don't actually see any harm in my other child playing with and entertaining his sibling while I settle the other twin. Certainly parentification is not acceptable but I am raising my children with the mindset that in our family we are all a team and we work together to keep the household functioning effectively ; there is a balance to be struck of course! My child also enjoys helping me with the twins and doing other chores around the house . This has actually been proven to be very beneficial to children as highlighted in the book "hunt, parent, gather" . It helps to engender self esteem etc but I digress .

no I am not returning to work until the babies are older as the childcare bill would far exceed my earnings unfortunately . Where we live there is no 30 hours free childcare etc . Moreover, I want to be a very present mother in my children's lives for the first three years as they are so pivotal and important for the long term health of the child. Just at this point in time it is very very difficult without any support system at all. Certainly returning to work and placing my children in daycare would not be in their best interests at this stage of their development

i also don't think taking any "help" you can get is the answer - what if it isn't actually helpful ?! Then it isn't help! Do you have twins yourself ? I really was after some advice re balancing the needs of two v dependent babies at the same time alone from a mum of multiples with experience of this

My mum wasn't ever doing what I am doing . She never was up at night and wasn't here during the day. She came for a few hours in the evening. I was simply asking for a few hours help once a week as set out in my post. Again , you haven't offered any advice whatsoever! I take it you aren't a twin mum either

Thanks v much twelftytwo I will definitely look into mothers help I think that could be really beneficial. My husbands job doesn't allow him to be at home and we need his wage to keep our home. It also doesn't permit a change in shift pattern. We lived near my family on the promise of help rather than relocating to where my husband works several years ago.