Can't deal with three year old twins

[thelifeoofme]

I'm so stuck now, the boys are three and they're ganging up on me. Throwing toys is funny, climbing on furniture is funny, doesn't matter whether I'm threatening to throw their toys away or shouting at them they're really taking the piss out of me. I'm sick of the content winging and wining from one of them I've had enough I'm at the end of my tether with them. Of course I try to be the model mother and sit and play or whatever but who the hell has time to do that 24/7?! Honestly the devil is in them both and I'm so close to breaking. The naughty step doesn't work, they don't listen at all. I tell them off & they just laugh at me and carry on throwing shit around the house either that or their fighting each other biting, hitting and pushing. There's no discipline there I've tried it all.

Oh no you must be exhausted.
Do they go to Nursery or a Preschool? If so any concerns about behaviour there?

Have you spoken to your Health Visitor? Online Twins group?

Easy to say but I wouldn’t shout or threaten. Three year olds soon learn when so called threats aren’t carried out.

Try to ignore negative and praise positive behaviour if you can. Maybe make some rules together, represent visually
If throwing reinforce with a visual saying Throwing toys, toys have finished ( put up high or lock away)

Have you tried reward charts, are they competitive at all? Catch them being good
Good sitting, eating, playing etc for a sticker token etc
Set some challenges for tidying etc using a timer or first one to get ten things in a box for e.g.

I wouldn’t beat youself up about tv or ipad time for calmer time for you. Timer if they are sharing something.

Do you have outdoor space? Lots of free activities and resources out there painting with water, chalking, making dens etc.

Anyone nearby who can help out to give you a break or maybe separate them for a while?

Sure I’m not saying anything you don’t know but sounds like you need some help and a break.

Excellent advice from 24Dog.

I think that you must be exhausted too. Do they go to Preschool or Nursery? Are you with their DF? Do you get a break at all?

If you do get some help, see if someone will take them both to the park tomorrow for a couple of hours. Running around will do them both good and it will give you a bit of a break.

As for techniques for helping with their behaviour, it sounds as though the ones that you've been using haven't been working too well lately. As well as the ones posted above I'd recommend Little Angels by Dr Tanya Byron. It's out of print now but you can still get it from Abebooks.

Sounds awful. I have one 3 year old DS, couldnt imagine 2 of them. Counting to 5 generally works pretty well with him. No idea why. I rarely get to 5 and if I do the thing gets taken away / he is sent to his room etc. Good luck!

Are you on the Parents of Multiples subreddit? I find it pretty useful. Someone’s always got good advice. Big Little Feelings on instagram is great for some behavioural issues but it’s not twin specific so it might not all be relevant.

(My twins aren’t that age yet so I can’t help, but I have a singleton 3yo boy so you have shit loads of sympathy from me!)

I used to find with twins under five, if I told one off, the other would say to me:

”Don’t tell my sister off! You are making her cry!”

Then she’d turn to the other and say

Next time, just say I didn’t do it! “

I found sending them to nursery three mornings a week from rising three, gave me some respite!

Get them outside.

As soon as they start rolling on the floor, outside. Screaming, chucking stuff??? Outside. It's the only thing that works.

I'm at the shouting stage because I've literally tried everything! They just laugh at me! I took toys away they were throwing & put them in a box - they carried on anyway. I have no family I'm on my own with them. I can deal with the fighting but it's when they're having "fun" together - I shouldn't complain but the noise is on another level, they're running round like crazy, screaming at the top of their voices!! I sit and play with them when I can but if I need to wash up or go hang washing out that's when they go mad. I've tried asking them to help me with things but they just so obsessed with each other I'm not their priority

They do but only 6 hours a week so it's not much at all, no family or anyone to help I'm just running out of ideas. I don't want to shout but they won't listen to anything else. I can't even talk to one of them because the other is making them laugh or stirring it in some way

I'm not but I'll check it out! I had a singleton before this and I've never had an issue - but trying to discipline both at the same time is on another level. Either that or one is crying and the other is screaming on having fun

If you're on your own and have no family do Homestart help at all?

If not, I'd get in touch to see if they can offer you anything

I honestly can't wait for this but they can't go until September! And today is Saturday haha so it's like a normal day! I just can't get my head around why having one is so much easier and why twins just don't listen!! I have an older singleton)

I try this too but they can't be outside long as the screaming goes on out there too, or the hitting or just being far too loud!

I had homestart for two years but they ended it about 6 months ago! No family x

This used to work but now it doesn't. I really need to find new ways

I seriously feel for you, my DTs were absolute nightmares at that age! Escalating twin syndrome is what I managed to find on the internet, I thought I was just a completely shit parent but it’s not me, it’s them 😉

The amazing news is that at 4, it’s like a switch flicked and they went back to being pretty good children and I no longer wanted to run away.

it’s not you, it’s them. Remember that, and also that it will get better!

Hang on what is this??!! I need to look it up! They definitely escalate each other - mainly when they're having "fun" the excitement and noise is on another level. I hate that I'm complaining about them having fun but I just can't cope with how hectic it is when they're like that. Imagine two three year olds at a disco full of sugar or at Disney or something & that's how they're behaving!

I had homestart for two years but they ended it about 6 months ago! No family

I'm so sorry that Homestart finished. Do you get any free hours for Nursery?

God op I feel you, I was confused that I couldn't remember writing this OP tbh 😂😂. I don't think I'd avoid selling them all in Ebay (I've an older boy too) if I was a single parent too, so kudos to you. Is their Dad involved at all? What about his family?

If they're 3 why aren't you using your free nursery hours?

No actual advice, if I had advice I'd need wine less😂🍷

I couldn't read and run op. I have twins they are now 6. I could have written your post three years ago. They started preschool with their hours and then that had to stop due to COVID, I seriously felt like topping myself. The days were fucking horrendous. All of what you said, I have no answers. Just sympathy and solidarity. Pp asked if they have issues at preschool ; if they're anything like mine they were/ will be angels at preschool/nursery/school and utter bastards at home. Grit your teeth, get through it and forgive yourself for regularly losing your shit is all I can say. Oh, and cliche incoming... But it does get better. I promise. Preschool aged twins are THE WORST in my opinion.

They're on 15 hours! So basically 3 hours on a Monday and Tuesday. It's not even long enough to shit in peace

Thank god for that. I'm so sick honestly it's not even the fighting it's the PLAYING! The noise, screaming! And not listening!!

This might be a crazy idea but have you though about putting them in preschool on different days, so you get four mornings a week of just one kid? Take it from me, one kid is a piece of piss compared to twins. Only works if you're a sahm of course.

Definitely, it’s a real thing!! Something about how singletons need approval from their parents and behave, but twins get their approval from each other and when they’re in a spiral of naughty they’re just egging each other on. They don’t care for your/our approval because their twin is approving their behaviour.

I can imagine exactly how they’re behaving, because mine were exactly the same! It’s on another level behaviour wise, I found with mine at times there was literally nothing I could do because they just did not care. The only thing that worked was separating them and waiting for them to calm down, which isn’t easy when there’s two of them and one of me.

Can you put them in nursery for longer? Or get them out to the park so they can find other kids to play with and maybe spend less time together and escalating together?

I found having a routine of activities really helped. Like a playgroup or class every morning and maybe a play date in the afternoon. I much preferred being out and about with mine than being at home. Also, it does get easier quite quickly as they get older!

I have 3yo twins too. Oh god, I can't imagine trying to manage them solo, that is HARD. I am very lucky that mine are normally full time in infant school although holidays just started...

A few things I do when we're all home plus my elder boy (similar to PP)

• We go out EVERY day without fail, for several hours so they can burn off energy. No buggy, walking or scooting everywhere. They are far worse when they don't go out at least 3 hours.
• Refuse to walk? I walk on and they have to catch up. No giving in to requests for carrying at all. Ignore all tantrums.
• when they're naughty I separate them. Basically they get time out in their room, away from their twin. 3 minutes at a time. They come out, they go straight back in. Try to stay calm (the hard part) as they think it's funny if I get cross. Once they realised this was the rule, I can generally stop the naughtiness with the threat of going to their room (which is ALWAYS carried out if they don't behave).

It will get better when you get them off to nursery. Full-time is full-on. I recommend wine!