Tell me this gets easier

[scottishtab]

NC as this is outing, posting for a bit of a handhold / advice. Hoping nobody thinks I'm too much of an awful person

DTDs are 12 weeks old, born 6 weeks early so in terms of development are 6 weeks old (I guess??!)

I love them. They are the product of a very very long fertility battle and twins was the most extraordinary surprise. But I am struggling a lot.

All of my friends have singletons and all of their experiences just seem so different to mine. I feel I'm on this non stop hamster wheel of feeding and changing and if one isn't crying the other one is. It doesn't feel I get that magic bonding time that singletons mums are enjoying. Sleep is just out of the questions as both girls wake up throughout the night and once one is settled the other one starts up. It just feels so hard. When does it get easier, or does it? Now DP is back at work I'm here on my lonesome all day with the girls and it's relentless!

It definitely gets easier. It feels awful now but soon enough they will be in a bit of a better routine

In the meantime, try and force them onto the same schedule as much as possible. So, if one wakes in the night for a feed, then feed the other at the same time. When one wakes up in morning / from a nap then wake the other up at the same time. When they have been awake about 90min then bundle them up and take them out in the buggy to force them both to nap at the same time

It definitely gets easier! Mine are 12 now but those first few months were so hard. Hang in there!

Agree that a similar routine is the answer to sanity, at least that way you get a pause. It is different to singletons, even "I had two close together so practically singletons".
If you're on FB there's plenty of twin groups, and maybe even some local ones for people who get it.

Mine are two, they aren't always in sync and it's still frigging hard-work but isay"kiss" and they kiss each other and then me, they take ea h other snacks and they talk in their own language. You'll get there.

Thankyou everyone for the reassurance! Without wishing to be too much of a drama Queen I feel like I can't express this to people as I don't want to sound ungrateful to have my daughters because I know how lucky we are.

I have lost count of the amount of "I don't have twins but I have two close in age" stories that I have heard

@SleepingStandingUp looking forward to moments like this!!!

My diplomatic answer is that it isn't the same, I'm not saying it's easier just it's very different.

It is hard @scottishtab there's no denying it but I do think you're pretty much at the single hardest point, that deep tiredness whilst your body is still recovering from birth and having not found Mom support x

They are still so tiny.

It gets easier, I promise. About 4 months, they definitely calm down a bit, or maybe it's us that have got used to it, that one morning, you'll just think, oh, that was ok actually! Plus they can take larger and less frequent feeds.

Forget everything else. Yes, you're constantly feeding, and changing. So forget the cleaning. Leave the laundry apart from essentials. Wear comfy clothes. Order food in. Watch TV. It will all be ready and waiting for you to pick up again in a couple of months, and nothing terrible will happen if the hoover hasn't been round.

And congratulations. Twins are literally the best.

Yes it gets easier. In fact, around about eighteen months in, quite a lot of the (formerly) singleton mums will suddenly realise just why you were far too knackered to join in with all the yummy mummy 'let's put our babies in a sling, have a wander round an art gallery and then lunch at a jolly nice cafe' stuff. Because they're busy having baby no. 2 and baby no. 1 is utterly livid about it and making their life hell. Meanwhile yours are finally on the same routine and you might just get to have an uninterrupted shower and read more than three consecutive pages of a book in one session!

When my friend had DT’s I used to pop over at lunchtime some days and give one of her babies their bottle and change them, do you have anyone who would do that for you? I would make her a cup of tea and have a chat so it broke the day up a bit.

It does get easier but totally remember the relentlessness of those early days.
Have you investigated home start at all? I know some twin mums who really valued their help. More importantly have you found a local twins group? Meeting other twin mums is sanity!!! Our twins are all in reception at school now but we all still meet 😍
Just wait until they start noticing each other, it’s the cutest thing ever!

Also along to say it definitely gets easier. We had a 2.4 year old when our twins were born and I remember the first few months being constant with feeding/changing/entertaining older brother etc. if you're breastfeeding, are you able to tandem feed them? Once you get the hang of it it's really helpful and there's a great twin feeding Facebook group.

I'd also recommend looking into slings. From 6 months or so you can use the twingo which was our best twin buy. Don't know how we coped without it. We used it until our's we're about 3. Before that you can use wraps or the mini monkey but there are lots of sling libraries around (some do postal hires). Check out the twin sling Facebook group for more info.

If you're a twins trust member there are lots of discounts available for various things which can be useful.

Yes it gets easier but the first few months are brutal.
I agree with @BasementIdeas get them onto the same schedule as soon as possible.
I let mine find their own schedule, which was a disaster because they didn't find the same schedule.
Once they were on the same one life became bearable.
I couldn't use a sling even for one but found baby bouncers very helpful.

If anything, in a really cack handed compliment sort of way, I hope this thread makes you see that yes, you're struggling, and yes it's completely normal. Can you even imagine saying to the mother of a premature newborn, here you are, can you look after this one as well.

That's what you're doing. You're doing amazing. And as we all can vouch for, it does get easier. In fact, it gets brilliant

Ooh yes and dual swingy chair things that rocked them to sleep! Life saver!

Thanks all for your words of encouragement! And yes @ReadySteadyTwins you're so right. The day we brought these TINY babies home was actually the most terrifying of my life. As happy as we were they were here I was totally overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a tough day, both girls suffer terrible with reflux which means feeding and winding times (even though i am starting to get the nack of feeding at the same time) take so long as they both need so much winding. Both were very unsettled yesterday but the silver lining was a better nights sleep for all last night as I think they were so tired.

They're both still on 3 hour feeds so perhaps when this gets a little longer things will feel a tiny bit easier.

My DTs are 21 months. I promise it gets easier. Do you have any support during the day? My DTs now play together and it is so lovely to see. For now, lower your expectations. Getting everyone dressed and out for a walk each day is good. If you need to stay and home and watch tv whilst feeding/ sleeping/ changing that’s also ok. If you can get a friend/ family member round for a couple of hours to hold a baby/ for some company that would also help.

I would really recommend joining your local twin club for support (people to chat to/ meet when you are ready). If you happen to be London/ Kent border let me know, our group is vv supportive.

Forgot to say, congratulations, being a twin mum is so special (even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes!)

Wow you are amazing !

Keep going !

1 is hardworking I can't imagine 2 !

Don't be hard on yourself and keep going. Things will ease up

@Rrrob I do have support sometimes, my Mum will pop in when she can though there aren't fixed days when she can come.
To be honest I have been a little reluctant to invite friends over as it is hard to have a conversation when the girls need so much of my attention.

Though I did have a "mum friend" round the other day and she calmly walked in, picked up a bottle and changed a nappy which actually meant a lot.

Sadly not near London/Kent but there is a local twins group and I will make it my mission to go along to the next get together. Thankyou all

Honestly you are in the trenches right now - it will get easier - I don't think it will ever necessarily feel like You aren't On a treadmill/just being a machine mummy but it will just become the norm.
I felt awful that I want having one on one time with them when mine were that age but now they are 1 I get lots of individual time now there little personalities are coming through - one likes cuddles during the day the other night - means not a lot of sleeping for me but I wouldn't change it for the world x

I have nearly 3 year old twin girls, and just really agree with what everyone else is saying. My girls were also born 6 weeks early.

The feeding & changing is absolutely relentless, but so was the worry as well. I worried about everything, I had a notepad on the go detailing how much milk they drank, whether there was a wee or a pop, so basically I continued their “cares” as NICU calls them. I had to really stop myself as it was making everything so stressful.

Things definitely do get easier, I think 6 months old is such a sweet spot, and so so enjoyable. You’ll find you go through peaks and troughs, newborn hard, 6 months easy, 18 months to 2 years horrific 🤣

Just remember multiple mums are superstars and you’re doing amazing.

Thankyou so so much @bonetiredwithtwins for the words of wisdom.

@didihearthatright123456 Thankyou. So funny you say that about your notepad because I too have been logging EVERYTHING on an app as they did in NICU. It's only that the other day my Mum had the twins for a couple of hours as I had a doctors appointment and I tried to get her using the app and she said "you know that most parents dont log every ml that their baby is eating right?"
I had no idea, and had assumed I should know who has had what down to the finite detail. Since stopping using the app I do feel a little less stressed in fairness.

Hi @scottishtab, congratulations on your twins! Like you I went through lots of fertility treatment to have our twins - secondary infertility - and while I am eternally grateful that we have them, oh my goodness I wouldn't want to relive those first few weeks!!
I can confirm, having had a singleton and then twins that while it can't feel hard at the time when you have a new baby - even if it's just one l, as sleep deprivation is bad either way - it's not a patch on having twins! There's no real down time at all in the first few weeks with twins as it's hard for anyone else to take BOTH of them for you while you have a lie down (which my DH did with my first). The good news is that mine are 2 now and I promise it is easier than it was. It's hard in different ways, as mine are headstrong little monkeys but it's a world away from those first 12 weeks. It's slowly gets better - for me there was a blip that was even worse (lowdown with twins & homeschooling my eldest was just hell) but I think that's specific to that situation. When they start to play nicely with each other it's just brilliant as singletons need you to play with them a lot when they are 2, but twins - built in playmate! Hang in there. It's ok to find it v tough and to wish away the weeks... I think those that haven't must have had easier babies then mine (who also had reflux and food allergies as well...)
Take any help you can get. Lower standards and congratulate yourself every time you make it through the day...! X

@scottishtab this sounds tough! My twins are 9 months now and I don’t remember much about those early months, I think I was so tired and overwhelmed. They fed absolutely loads, maybe every 2 hours in the day.

I echo other’s suggestions about going along to a twins group meeting. So nice to meet other mums in the same situation. Also I had a couple of Baby Bjorn bouncers at that age, great for keeping one or both occupied.

Unfortunately I still struggle with the juggling and both tag-teaming their wakes at night!

I’m a couple of months ahead of you with my Girl/Boy twins (now 20 weeks) and I swear it gets easier. Mine were born 4 weeks early and I could of written your post myself, literally banging my head with getting them to nap together/changing/waking every 2 hours but if you persist with the feeding one straight after the other, it does eventually lead into a routine of having a couple of hours free after their feeds to get little jobs done or rest x we’ve only recently just had a couple of random nights where they have slept 10-6 without a night feed but my god does it feel great to get 7 hours sleep at once. Keep doing what you are OP, you will get there!

Goodness me Thankyou for your responses today. It was truly needed.

Today, no word of a lie, between one feed I had 20 minutes before it all started again, and I was holding a baby in that 20 minutes.

Then my husband dared to have a cancelled train on the way home ... well! It wasn't just the babies crying.

They are magic, but this is tough. Because they are technically 12 weeks but behaving like 6 week olds... So friends who have singleton babies seem to expect that we are a lot further ahead than we are! I have a friend coming over next weekend and I keep trying to remind her not to expect too much from us.

Without wishing to wish their little lives away, I just look forward to them being able to hold their own bottles.

I'll regret saying this when my walls are covered in crayon, and will yearn for these newborn days again!