Does this get easier?

[fancydressinggown]

Hoping for a bit of encouragement/hand hold here!

Our much wanted ID twins arrived with us nearly 6 weeks ago, they were 6 weeks early but have thrived since being home.

During the day they are largely issue-free and because they were early they tend to sleep more though they have been more alert the last few days which is lovely.

But the nights are terrible! One or both is always crying or grizzly we suspect trapped wind so are trying drops and a different formula.

I know that this is common for small babies... but it feels relentless. They are feeding every 3 hours so by the time you have fed, winded and comforted one and moved onto the other... it's almost time to start again.

DP is back at work after a short paternity leave. He works a physical job but is helping with the night feeds where he can. We are both however, Exhausted, which results in us snapping at one another and competing over who is the most tired (ridiculous I know!)

Please someone tell me this will get easier?

Hi @fancydressinggown,

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your twins!

We're giving this thread a wee bump for you in case anyone's around to give you some words of wisdom.

It absolutely will get better..no real advice here except to stick with it and do what you're doing. Twins are hard going and I don't think anyone truly understands if they themselves haven't had multiples. You've got this x x

Are you feeding them at the same time and are you managing to sleep during the day?

@Ducksurprise I try to feed them at the same time but it's not always possible (they are both still v small so the feeding pillow doesn't support their necks enough). They both do wake up for their feeds at the same time due to them being on the same schedule in neonatal before coming home.
I manage an hour occasionally during the day but often by the time both feeds, winding and sterilising bottles/bit of laundry is done it's almost time to start the next feed.

Thankyou for your encouragement @BrendaDraper

Congratulations OP! My family member with twins says she doesn’t remember the first year, she was a zombie. The babies weren’t on the same schedule and she also had a toddler and a business to run. But she also said it absolutely got better. Any newborn is hard work, managing two is just incredible. You’ve got this!

This phase is so tough , sending a virtual hug .My husband and I split the night at one point .He would aim to do a last feed at midnight and then it was over to me .My babies were all less than 5lb when they left hospital and I well remember the total exhaustion even now when the triplets are all grown up .
Can someone do the odd night for you ? this was a life saver for me , my lovely mum took this on .
I found having other people offering helping difficult even though it was very well intended . I joined TAMBA and found the support useful.
It does get better as they grow but I feel for you x

6 weeks was the worst. That was the point I was crying in the dark declaring they only cried at night because they hated me. I'd say 6-10 weeks I really really struggled with just sheer exhaustion. So it does get better but it might take a few weeks.

Do you have family who can help with laundry? I know it feels relentless but can DH pop one load in a night then chuck it in the tumble dryer? You get it out in the morning and basically redress them from the basket / put it away once he's home? That way you can sleep a bit more in the day. Also screw couple time, if you can get your head down early do so. It isn't forever.

I'll concede I've been up since 5.30 with my 2 year olds and then the 6 yo threw up and now they're all up watching toy story 😂 so it won't be perfect for about two decades but it gets better xx

Congratulations OP!

I know my username isn't necessarily encouraging 🙈 but it does get better! My twins were totally different sizes so struggled to tandem feed as felt lopsided so I fed separately but did mean I was awake for 90mins every 3 hours 24/7 - I would say when they went on to 4 hourly feeds and then formulae that was when I felt less zombie like! Just going through sleep regression now though which a whole other trauma 😂

Thanks everyone.
DP is great and to be honest takes care of most of the housework (we have talked about getting a cleaner in the new year).

My Mum would help but the help is very much on her terms and a night time help would be a no go. It's not helped that both sets of parents have had Covid the last 2 weeks so we haven't seen them... and our neonatal were very firm on keeping the twins away from germs (as they were premature) which is why we delayed the cleaner starting (to reduce people in the house!)

We did an online antenatal course with twins trust and they were great, will look into other support that may be available there.

I feel awful complaining as these babies are so loved and wanted but I feel constant guilt that I'm not giving either twin my full affection. My mum friends talk about "bonding time" with their babies and I feel like I don't get that with mine as I'm in a constant feed-wind-put down to nap cycle.

Give your self a break re the bonding time . I tortured myself with this especially after the lovely time I had with my eldest .They are loved , they will do just fine .

Definitely give yourself a break, if your first are twins it is like having your second, they don't get the full precious first born treatment but they get all the benefits of having a sibling. I promise it does get better and one day you will be replying on a post like this and missing those early days. Also remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so be gentle with yourself.

Congratulations. I think you definitely need to find a way to get at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. I agree with pp, if there is no one else to help you should split the night with DH. Maybe your Dh stay up with them till midnight and you go to bed at 8pm so you get 4 hours definitely sleep. Then he goes to bed midnight - morning as he has a job that requires him to have had enough sleep and you take over then. My DH and I did similar with our first (single baby but had feeding issues so we didn’t get much sleep). He would keep our baby downstairs till midnight and then pop baby in next to me in Moses basket and go and sleep in spare room. They use sleep deprivation as a form of torture for a reason! It is torturous. It will get better and you will one day not be tired again. If you don’t have family who can help, do you have the money to buy in help to get your through this no sleeping patch. It will get better. Take care.

Yes! It does. We have 4 month old twins and they needed round the clock care at first - of course. Suddenly it all clicked in. They started to recognize each other as faces and to derive comfort from the presence of the other baby in the way our older son needed from his dad and I. At 17 weeks they hold hands, grin and chatter at each other all day long and sleep eight hours.

The trick is to put them in one big cot together. We have an enormous boori cot from eBay in every room. Secondly, and this might be burying the lede... if you planned return to work, maybe think about a nanny before you might have otherwise? I went back to work to afford our nanny but she is incredible, genuinely loves every baby moment and so experienced. Handing over to her for 8 hours a day is a sanity saver because otherwise the round the clock routine would still be a bit much.

Love them so much and discovering two can be easier than one is fantastic when you think of everything else the twindom will give them through their lives.

I felt guilty I didn't have the same bonding time with the twins as I did my older child but it's evened out now they are a bit older - one prefers cuddles at bed times and co sleeps a lot with me - the other is more demanding of my attention during the day. They rarely have the same schedule for sleep or naps so when one is asleep the other gets full attention - or as much attention as I can give when also have a 5 year old

Congratulations! In the early days we used to split nights, so DH would do the first shift then I’d take over. In the end I hated having to get out of bed at 2am to go in with them so we started doing alternate nights. The parent who’s “off” deals with our older child who still needs some attention at night, but it’s less intense.

Now at 7.5m they feed quickly and only have 1 or 2 night feeds, but other things keep them awake like teething, learning to crawl etc.

The feeds will definitely get more efficient with age but we still deal with overnight wakes I’m afraid. We do get some broken sleep but I feel like I’m sleepwalking my life right now!

Unfortunately this is a just a really intense and tiring time. I totally understand the mum guilt about not having one on one time, like I did with my eldest, and “singleton envy” is definitely a thing with mums of multiples. However, in the long term things will be great and the boys will have a little buddy for life, so I just focus on the future.

Things will get easier. Have you a local twins group nearby? It’s so nice to meet other mums of multiples who understand the challenges.

Don't beat yourself up about bonding time aka sitting there staring into your babies eyes whilst the magical strands of love wrap themselves around yourselves forever 🙄
DTwins were born Dec 2019 so at 3 months we went into shielding with a 4.5 yo who needed home schooling. No one got enough of anything. They're very secure and confident babies, and they're def bonded to me based 😂

Congratulations!!
Mum of twins 10 here. I remember how you are feeling very well. This age is very difficult but it sounds like you are both doing an amazing job.

My best advice to you is always feed together, if you don’t it’s constant feeding which is impossible. I had a just turned 5 year old when the twins were born so had to do school run too.

Buy some bouncers for feeding and sit on the floor bottle in each hand, works perfectly I promise. In the night dp needs to help. When the first one wakes for a feed you always feed them both otherwise the other one is going to wake within an hour anyway.

Good luck and remember you are doing great!! Xx

Just on the DH helping front - mine was up for work at 430am so couldn't help with any night feeds. He stepped up more with our then 4 year old though - don't put pressure on each other to do feeds or have a rigid schedule - it just builds resentment I found especially if he's working full time. But on weekends do leave them with him for a few hours to get your hair done or something for you - he's got to learn to do it on his own too and also he'll gain an understanding of how hard it is

You've just got to find what works for you but that's the painful bit until you do! Mine hated bouncers! I weaned onto formulae at 12 weeks and the tommee tippee prep machine was a godsend!

I was a single parent with twins, they definitely do get easier (although mine are now teens which brings a different kind of problems!)
The best advice I got was from a midwife who'd had twins. She said don't take advice from singleton mums it's totally different, do what suits you and your family. Make sure the twins have the same schedule and sleep when they do.
The schedule thing was the most important bit for me. Re feeding if your breastfeeding can you feed them at the same time, I did but couldn't use a feeding pillow I used lots of small cushions to support them and adapted as they grew. I used to wind one over shoulder and one over my knee and swap them over. Then put them in a bouncy chair for a while so they weren't flat. You can put something under the cot legs or mattress to raise one end to help with reflux/wind. Also what helped mine was to sleep in the same cot (they did this till aged two) I appreciate this wouldn't work for everyone but it helped them settle and actually were better sleepers and still are than my singleton. The biggest thing I found was routines helped so much and meant I usually managed an afternoon nap with the twins. Keep going it gets easier. I found lowering my standards (so baby could wear clothes a second day if clean), cleaning the house slightly less in the early days and batch cooking easy meals which I often ate same meal several times a week all helped. I wrote lots of lists too because my memory was terrible. Especially if one or both was ill so I knew which had eaten/ had medicine /temp etc when.
When it got too much I'd feed, change the nappy and put in pushchair and just go for a walk.