Do you ever feel jealous of other Mums without twins?

[Imatwinmum]

Firstly, I adore my beautiful babies. I wouldn’t have them any other way. They’re my whole world. I also have a pre-schooler!

It’s just so much work though isn’t it?

I feel like my second Mum experience has been taken from me. As things are so much easier the second time around when you know what you’re doing. One of my babies has terrible colic, which would be manageable even but there’s two of them to look after! So it’s not like I can even walk around the room to console him, I’m just too tired.

I hate that I can’t be the attachment parent, I couldn’t manage breastfeeding, I don’t get to go for walks in the sling. I haven’t been to baby groups as I just can’t manage.

Just feel like this experience has been taken from me, and that other Mums in my NCT have it so easy with singletons.

I also find that no one can help me. Not many people can look after two babies. So it’s just me and DH. I moved away recently so we have to have people stay, it just makes it worse and more intense. As they just end up walking around the room with crying babies who need me anyway. It’s easier if I’m on my own in my pyjamas and don’t feel like I have to make them stop crying.

Just wondering if these feelings as a twin Mum are normal? I’m not usually one to compare. I just think I would be an amazing mum to two (or even 3!) singletons! I wouldn’t change my gorgeous babies, twins are so special but I feel like I am letting them down a lot.

Can any Mums of multiples relate?

I feel the same. I wish there had been four years between mine instead of four minutes. I also have a pre-schooler. It honestly breaks my heart that I can't give them each the individual attention that they need, that I was able to give to my oldest. I feel like such a failure a lot of the time- and sometimes I feel like if I can't pick up and comfort them both, it's better not to do it at all- I know that doesn't really make sense but that's just how it feels! I end up juggling them both ineffectually, but I can't just ignore one.

It's so hard, practically and emotionally, and being tired just makes things seem impossible. How old are your twins? Mine are seven weeks so still very young.

I got quite upset and jealous, I'm embarrassed to admit, the other day seeing a mum in the playground with a 3/4 year old and a young baby in a carrier on her chest, when I had to leave my babies at home with their dad as I just can't take all three kids out at once by myself right now.

@Arpeggiator hi! You’re described exactly how I feel. My twins are around 11 weeks now. One has terrible colic!

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I barely cuddle either of them, it’s all bouncers/ feeding cushion/ down for naps. I am trying to make sure I get extra time with both but whatever I do I feel guilty. DD is now at nursery 4 full days a week! I had yesterday with her and all we did was watch TV and eat bad snacks . How many hours is your eldest doing?

I have left the twins at home too, but I hate leaving them. I didn’t leave DD till age 2! The other day I took DD with me to a doctors appointment just so I could spend time with her. Bless her she loved it and came out saying she wants to be a nurse.

I’m not usually a jealous person but when I see others complain about having two with an age gap.. and not making the most of it/ going out to do things I feel so resentful! Or like you if I see others out I just feel guilty!

I think it’s normal to feel like this. I had a hard time with my first and was really looking forward to an easier time second time around as an experienced parent. So I do feel cheated of that!

It’s other things I find hard too. When you have one baby you can carry them short distances in the car seat but with two it’s too heavy so you have to take the double pram out, which is a faff to manoeuvre!

Everything is easier with one…but I’d have never tried for a third child and I can’t imagine life without one of my boys. I also have a threenager preschooler to manage so I get it!

They’re 5 months now and I can see their relationship developing, they smile and babble at each other. In time it will get easier as they get more independent and it will be amazing for them to grow up with a little buddy.

Of course it’s different to having a singleton and there will be many ways you will feel like you’re short-changing them. There will also be many lovely experiences that they and you would never have had if they weren’t twins. I still remember the first time mine just noticed each other and the first time they smiled at each other. Watching them play and grow together is truly special. These times will come sooner than you realise!

I had my twins first and really envied the intensity of the relationship my singleton mum friends had. I never had the “just you and me” feeling, it was always the three of us. Still, I wouldn’t change it for the world and they are now 13.

Oh and if you want a mums group look for your local twins club. All mums are in the same situation and I found it a really helpful and supportive place. There was always someone willing to help be another pair of hands!

Have you tried Homestart, someone mentioned it on another thread. You're not failing them you're doing brilliantly, everything you can, you're wonder woman. Are you sure it's just colic and not reflux? You do sound down which is totally understandable but would it be be worth seeing your GP for antidepressants to help provide a support /pick me up until you're more in the swing of things with the twins? I wouldn't worry about baby groups at their age, they don't really wake up to the world until 3-4 months anyway X

Thanks for the replies.

I went through all the colic stuff (turned out CMPA) with my first so luckily I’m used to the screaming. He isn’t that bad in comparison really, it’s just the fact there’s two! I might ask for infant gaviscon but I think it’s just discomfort which we need to wait out. Probably worth a try though.

@TheMagicDeckchair yes to the car seat situation! I don’t feel strong enough to take them anywhere to be honest. We live in a rubbish village, big house but if I’d have known we were having twins I think we would probably have chosen somewhere less isolated! I am soo not a practical person at all, which is not helpful when you have twins (plus one). I’m the kind of Mum you see out struggling and thing wow that looks hard.

I’m hoping after a few months things will settle down. I so wish there was a local twins group, there was in our previous town but we are so far out in the sticks now. There is a children’s centre I can go to but even that feels like so much work.

I literally haven’t left my living room for days. I think I may need to embrace the lounge wear, hair scraped back look for a while. Hopefully I will emerge like a butterfly when they start sleeping for longer!

Yes, I did and sometimes still do. I remember coming out of a baby signing group and bawling my eyes out because I couldn’t provide that one on one loving adoration and concentrated time on my twins like the other mums in the class because I had two and they had one. I felt I was failing them.

I also used to feel paranoid when people looked at me whilst I was bottle feeding both at the same time. I knew that it was because I was feeding two babies at the same time (without being a show off, sometimes with one hand!) but I felt like a super freak and almost ashamed of it. I do feel quite like an outsider at times with other mothers who’ve not got twins, but that might just be me. For the most part though I’ve got used to the looks from people especially when they’re being ‘challenging’ and try really hard to not get upset by the judgement.

I’ve been known to mutter to myself about this is why humans tend to have babies one at a time and not litters as the kids have a fight/joint tantrum/general chaos!

I feel it would have been easier to have exactly the same children spaced out by a couple of years rather than 4 minutes, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s mental a lot of the time, but there are lots of perks to having them together and I’m (for the most part) enjoying the ride.

Definitely able to relate! I’ve got 8 week old twins and a 2 year old. Luckily our eldest goes to nursery 3 days a week which means I get to catch up on some sleep and I know she enjoys going to interact with other children so don’t feel guilty about it. We have some friends on the fence about having a second baby as they want a second but feel they’re starting to get their life back (their kid is same age as our eldest) - I feel like saying having a singleton second baby will be a piece of p*ss so what are you moaning about and get on with it 😂 I feel jealous that they’ll have an easy ride if they have a singleton second child! I’m also jealous of our friends who stopped at one child and are now enjoying their lives going here there and everywhere with their preschooler 😳

Usually by now if there was one of them I would be at baby groups, taking them shopping with me etc but I daren’t in case they both kick off at the same time. I’m also quite a shy person so I personally don’t enjoy all the attention (mainly from maturer ladies) that twins attract so that puts me off too as I remember my singleton eldest receiving quite a lot of attention if I went into cafes/coffee shops on a weekday. What I have to remind myself is that the twins have each other, and my eldest loves to “play”, sing, talk to them so I don’t feel like the twins are missing out by not going to baby groups. I’ve started doing some baby sensory with them instead (you can order baby sensory boxes off Etsy) to try and make up for not going to baby groups. I guess they will definitely miss out going to swimming (which we did with our eldest from about 4 months old) until they’re probably 2 years because the idea of me and DH taking 2 babies seems too stressful!

As bad as it sounds wishing away the newborn stage, I can’t wait until the twins are old enough to start playing properly with our eldest and bringing us breakfast in bed so my DH and I can enjoy the benefits of having 3 kids 😂

I can definitely relate. My girls are 20months.
One of the big things for me was baby classes. I tried going to one but we were required to keep them sat in our 'square' to maintain social distancing. Which was a nightmare. My girls kept running in different directions. I had an email from the group leader about keeping them from running around and found it too stressful so never went back.

All my NCT friends take their children to swimming lessons together but I can't go as the classes require 1 to 1 adult/child ratio.

I do love the girls bond though. More recently they sit and 'chat' to each other, play together and give each other cuddles.

I am also glad I had both my children at the same time as I absolutely hated pregnancy and wouldn't want to do it again so glad the girls have an instant sibling haha

@Wishing56 what! No way! That’s absolutely crazy. If anyone dared say that to me I think I would have sent back a massive F you response. As if your life as a twin mum isn’t difficult and isolating enough! What on earth do they expect from toddlers.

I’m currently sat here with both babies asleep on the feeding cushion and it looks like they are holding hands. So sweet.

I took my big girl out shopping today, just the two of us (spoiled her a bit too much!), and she’s going swimming with her daddy today.

I think we will just have to keep tag teaming, so we get quality time with our eldest and the babies.

@Bean18 totally understand what you mean about wishing away the newborn stage. I think as a twin mummy you get less from this stage, you don’t get the one on one constant snuggles. So it’s perfectly okay to want to skip to the part where they can hold their heads up and are a bit more sturdy!

I feel totally the same OP. So much guilt about not being able to breastfeed in particular. Now I can't be 100% sure I would have been able to with just one (I would still have had to figure out tongue tie), but my chances would have been a lot better!

I also feel guilty towards my husband. The partners of other women I know still have lives, time to themselves, see friends, go for bike rides etc. My husband barely gets to leave the house in the week because he works from home and spends his lunch breaks helping me or doing the housework I don't have time for!

I just feel like they deserve so much more attention and patience than I'm able to give!

Yes I do. I don't feel I'm bonding with my twins as it's hard work. Night time are awful, they don't sleep long enough for me to get More than 30m sleep. With my first, I used to go for walks , lots of cuddles, tummy time etc but not with these twins.

I love my babies but one is all I wanted. I wouldn't change them for the world though

I know it is hard, my three were all very close in age but can I just say to you that as a twin myself I think you have given your twins the greatest gift ever and that is eachother.

All you're saying is true (my kids are now 6 and 3 and 3) but...
They are now such a happy little gang with lovely relationships and alliances which change daily.
The twins share and take turns naturally and instinctively.
They have great empathy with and physical awareness of each other.
They really love each other and play well together most of the time. I don't have to entertain them as much.
From age two the twins spontaneously started a hilarious bedtime game. They lie in bed and you'd hear one of them say "A whale!" [laughter] "A goat!" [laughter] "A unicorn!" [shrieks of laughter]. There's lots of silly funny stuff like that.
They are both physically quite forward and tough. Maybe because they have an older sibling to copy and a same-age sibling to compete with, but also, I think, because I couldn't always attend instantly to every whimper.
For me, one of the best things about having small kids is watching them (albeit only occasionally ) show spontaneous kindness and consideration, and with this sort of trio you'll get lots of chances to observe just that.
A big con is that still now at the age of 3.5 I can't really take them out without another adult, because they can run off. It can be frustrating at times. But maybe yours won't be as naughty as mine.

Mine are 5 and I still feel a bit like this although it’s nothing like the baby days (thank goodness!) I had a lovely newborn experience with my first DC and the twins’ first months were… not lovely. Just utter chaos, terrible sleep deprivation and feeling like there wasn’t enough of me to meet everyone’s needs. Now they play together and that’s nice (up to a point as they egg each other on!) I do think we are only really meant to have babies one at a time though. I love my twins but would much rather have had them one at a time.

I felt sad when mine were babies that you just don’t get the same bonding time. Feed one; rush to wind it and grab the other and repeat. One of mine had colic too and it was hellish for the first 12 weeks. My twins were my first children and to be honest, it made me never want any more children.

They’re 9 now and there are still so many challenges. One of the mums in their class messaged me saying she didn’t expect friendship problems between the girls in their class so early on (they’re 8 and 9) and she finding it tough to navigate. I am currently dealing with different friendship issues with my two 9 years plus trying to understand their pre teen relationship at the same time. It’s seriously hard.

I feel jealous of you guys! I can't have a second child so I'd have loved my first to be one of a twin!

All the flipping time.