Feeling sadness about how easy things would have been...

[twinguilt]

I feel awful, as I thought this feeling would go away, but it doesn't seem to have, although it's not so constant now. I have 3 DCs - one older singleton and 20m old twins. I love my children so so much, but what I can't admit to anyone IRL is how sad I feel at times that it's all SO hard. I don't think I'm a v good mum as I just don't seem to be able to do things myself - I still need my DH to help with bedtime for the twins, and I struggle taking them out by myself - there are only a few places I take them, and I just think of how I was out and about all the time with my eldest and I feel so bad that these two are missing out on that kind of thing and I also selfishly feel I'm missing out too and how much easier it would be if there was only one of them.
I do recognise that there are many positives as they do love each other and it's wonderful for them to have each other to play with etc, but then they trap each other's fingers in things, or accidentally push each other off things and I just feel slightly like I mourn for what could have been.. but then feel awful as they were v v much wanted babies and they are so loved. How do I get myself our of this mindset? Will it get easier so I stop feeling so overwhelmed? Has anyone else felt like this? X

I think this is really common...probably made worse that you know how easy it can be with a singleton!

I struggled with this a lot when my twins were babies (now nearly 2yo). I’d been involved with my SD since she was a new born so I knew what it was like being able to trundle about with one. I missed being able to do that with my own...feeding in public was a nightmare in case they both started for a feed at once and baby groups were annoying as the kind practitioner always had to take one.

It’s also like taking a rare breed dog out, everyone stops to ask questions!

It’s got easier as mine have got older and lockdown helped as nobody could go anywhere rather than me struggling on my own.

My best advice would be to keep making yourself so challenging things...find enclosed things to do so they can’t run off if it does go wrong and you can always go home it it does! If they’re playing nicely at home together then make the most of it and put your feet up feeling smug that singleton mums never get a minute.

Bedtime, I have a baby gate on the door which is locked as I’m getting them ready. I let the other one read or mess while I get one ready and then swap over. I feel bad locking them in but it would be a nightmare otherwise...and I give myself plenty of time.

You’re doing great! X

@Twinmomma123 thanks for your kind response - I was preparing myself for being told to stop being so ungrateful!
Yours aren't that much older than mine - I wish it felt like it was getting easier for me - it just feels like while some things are easier others are harder. Doesn't help that one of the DT in particular is v high energy and also has a v extreme personality - v smiley giggly at times but also has v extreme meltdowns when doesn't get their own way or is v tired whereas my eldest DC was always distractible eventually from a full blown tantrum, this one isn't. 🙈
It is insane, but it's because of this that bedtime is a 2 person job at the moment - I had hoped by now that I'd be able to do it solo, but when I've tried I am literally running round the room after each one on turn. When I get one changed and into pjs and finally get to the other one, the first one gets themselves undressed again it's just so exhausting! I feel guilty about my eldest and what they miss out on cause they have to patiently wait for us to finish with the DT bedtime before they get bed and stories. I am grateful that eldest is old enough to do that though as if they also needed constant attention then I think I'd have collapsed in a heap by now . I just hope that they will soon be more easy to do stuff with - I knew my eldest was a good DC when a baby, but I didn't think I had appreciated just how good until now...

It gets better! My twins are 11 now and are really close. I have an older son too and one unexpected side effect was that he became a really good reader as he had a lot of waiting around to do while I sorted the twins out. It might not seem like it but you are doing a great job.

Is your oldest one old enough to start reading a story at bedtime to them whilst you are getting the second one ready for bed or entertaining the first one in some way . I appreciate that you don’t want to turn the older one into a carer but if it helps at all in the short term .

@Sometimesonly this is true for our eldest actually - he's a v good reader as that's what he does usually, so yes, that's an upside - thanks - I should try to focus on that side of things more 
@Floralnomad he could do, but tbh the majority of the time I really want to be able to do bedtime by myself is actually cause my eldest has some club / activity that is on quite late that he currently can't go to really but I'd love to let him go to, but there's currently no way we can work it if it clashes with getting ready for bedtime . I can see that it might get a lot better once they are out of nappies as that's the trickiest thing at the moment - nappy changing a dirty nappy when a child doesn't want it is so infuriating! 🙈

I personally haven't had twins but I know my friend who had them felt exactly like you

They had counselling to help

I know it’s not the same, but I have three kids very close in age and bedtime was a two man job for a very long time! I used to feel incredibly guilty about not being able to handle my own kids but it was just too hard. Get help when you can. Banish guilt. And it will get easier. As I say, I know my situation is not the same so I don’t know the timing, but my youngest is 4 now and life is really sweet most of the time.

I had 3 DC in three years although no multiples.

I think it is probably the personalities that are making it extra tough. Compliant DC are a doddle in comparison!.

Be kind to yourself it's just where things are right now and it will move on.

I had twins and an older one. Also I'm a single parent so had no choice but to do everything on my own. I definitely at times (and occasionally still do aged 12) felt it would me much easier with a singleton. I managed in the first few years with routines and 'fencing them in' wherever we were. Now they're older they know what they need to do.
Bedtimes were pre prepared so everything was at arms reach, stair gate at door and once upstairs they didn't go back down.
When out both were on reins and if we went to a park I'd try to go to one which is fenced in. Also they knew to stay in the same area and ask to move on to the next play equipment.
Teach your dt what you expect of them now and it makes it so much easier.

My best friend had a single child followed by twins less than 18 months later. She describes their younger years as a living hell at times. Personally I don't know how they coped...they were sickly babies and all very full on kids.
She felt it got easier as twins 3 and then again as started school. By time twins 6/7 she sees all the advantages of have them so close, fully enjoys being a parent and has far more time with her DH...
She thinks she did a rubbish job when they were toddlers and abandoned singleton, I think she deserves a medal....

it'll get better.... Slowly... Hopefully some other parents of multiples will give you some great ideas

I think as a mum of a singleton followed by twins you have to be firm and fairly strict about behaviour because there is no room for messing about at bedtime or when you are out and about.
I used to get a sitter one afternoon a week to have some one on one time with the oldest, described it as ‘rorytime’ And ,made sure he knew he had my undivided attention then, he also had a bedtime a half an hour later than them .
It gets so much easier once they hit three , I did not fly with them on my own until they were three and a half .

@Carriemac
I think you’re right, you do have to be a lot stricter...I sometimes feel a bit sad at how firm (but fair) I have to be with them but I really don’t know how else to manage two (three when dsd is here). I think it varies a lot depending on personalities though

Mine are young adults now- and a delight , and all get on very well together so worth it .

Thanks for all the responses, it's good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think lockdowns have exacerbated things for me a bit as it's been impossible to get help and the crap weather makes it tough with v physical but completely fearless toddlers. I think I'm feeling it more now as now lockdowns have eased I feel I SHOULD be going out more and making the most of the new freedom but then it doesn't feel like that to me half the time, but I need to get braver.
@Goodtohear - I take my hat off to you, you are amazing doing this alone!
@RandomMess I think that yes it is partly personalities - if they weren't both stubborn, adventurous, high energy, cheeky monkeys then it would be a lot easier!! I love their spirit and they are so v cute, but they are v much of the 'why walk anywhere when we can run' type of toddler, and they are definitely testing boundaries at the moment, so i just feel so out my depth. Especially when I turn my back for a second to catch one of them and the other one has climbed up something v precarious...

In terms of being strict, I do try to be but it's not so much that they behave badly, as they are actually normally pretty nice to each other and their older brother and he's honestly brilliant, but they do things unintentionally sometimes (over affectionate cuddling where one runs up to the other for a massive cuddle then they both fall over and hurt themselves for example) but it's the things where I HAVE to get them to do something - like getting shoes & socks and coats on to go out, or even bringing them in from the car to the house (they want to stay outside) or bedtime. I don't actually know how to make a wriggly child who doesn't want their nappy changed come and have it done (used to work giving them my keys of phone, but not now) as it's not clicked with DT2 yet that things would be so much quicker if they just let me do it the they can get back to playing - DT1 has clicked, and I keep hoping it the penny will drop with DT2, but not yet. Plus - how do I stop them both playing the game of stripping themselves off while I'm doing the 2nd one? I have them in sleeping bags, with zips (on backwards) but they get out of them...😢 bedtime solo is honestly a nightmare and I just despair. My DH says we will be thankful of the resourceful nature when they are older, but right now, I just feel so trapped by how hard everything is. I shall try to keep focusing on the positives though. Thanks for listening x

Nappy pin through the zipper pull for sleeping bags still have it on back to front though.

I’m much earlier on in my twin journey- I have 3 week old twin boys and a nearly 3.5 year old DD, but I do understand everything you’re saying! The night I was in hospital, I looked at the boys and thought, crikey, one would be so easy!

However, my DD was a very high-needs, non-sleeping baby. DT2 is exactly like her, but DT1 is completely different, placid and sleepy. In some ways it’s made life easier as DT1 is so chilled and undemanding, and I know how to deal with DT2 as I’ve been there before with DD. But yes, the baby juggling, sleep deprivation and the pre-schooler demands do make life seem hard at the moment.

I wouldn’t expect to be able to handle bedtime with two 20m olds alone! It’s a really tricky age. My DD turned 2 just before lockdown and it was much tougher then than it would be even now. She’s grown up so much in that year. Things will get easier in time as they get older. Just as I keep telling myself that these exhausting newborn days won’t be forever.

Hi @twinguilt. Can’t offer any advice going forward as I’ve not even got as far as you yet (twins are 7 months old), but I certainly understand how you feel.

Yesterday was a crap day that wouldn’t have been crap with a singleton. DT2 fell asleep on the school run (despite having only been up an hour) and was solid off by the time I got home so I stuck him in his cot. I tried to get DT1 to go to sleep even though it was a little early. He wasn’t ready, so he didn’t go to sleep until AFTER DT2 was awake again..... so there went the 20 minutes I rely on in the morning to get things ready for the baby group we were going to! So we were late to the group and I forgot something I was supposed to bring. It was only a small drama, but I kept thinking how it just wouldn’t have been a big deal with 1 - whenever they nap, they nap, you don’t have to try and keep them in sync! I didn’t get 5 minutes to myself all day

We were walking somewhere last Week. The short path is through the woods. There’s no route that’s wide enough for my side by side buggy (even if I went by the road the pavement is too narrow). So I took one in a carrier and one in DDs old buggy. Except we got stuck in every single bloody kissing gate as I didn’t fit with buggy AND carrier! I’ve never found a double carrier I get on with either, as my twins used to punch and scratch each other right from the start.

I almost never read to my twins as if they’re on my lap I need both hands to stop them wrestling with each other, so no hand for a book! I used to read to my DD all the time, it was lovely snuggly time. In fact, we don’t really snuggle - if I cuddle one, the other usually starts crying, so I end up cuddling neither.

Obviously we had budgeted and planned for one baby. Twins have meant new car, new car seat, new pram (and an expensive one at that!) and mean we are going to have a bit of a childcare crisis - my mum would be happy to look after one, but she feels she can’t manage 2, so not only do we have to pay for childcare a year earlier than planned, it’s going to be twice as expensive!

Basically it’s a totally different experience having twins compared to a singleton. And it’s really tough. So I try not to feel guilty that I sometimes wish that I’d just had the one I planned for! It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, but I find them really hard work.

Honestly @twinguilt, your DTs are still so small, bedtimes are tricky no matter what!! Mine are 5yo now and still like individual attention at bedtime, so if you and your DP can provide that, it's great. If not, please don't feel bad, the fact that you're on here at all asking for advice means you're doing your best!

I've been used to doing bedtimes on my own since they were babies (DP is a shift worker) but we don't have any other DC, which would definitely have made things more tricky! If you get any time at all to yourself during the day just make things as easy as you can by prepping for bedtime; PJs/ books/ milk ready, bath stuff to hand, whatever you need really. Blackout blinds if they would help? Gro clock set up, if you have one... that kind of thing.

DTS1 has always been a high needs, clingy child (borderline ASD) - bad sleeper, bad eater, massive meltdowns for no particular reason - and I have thought many, many times about how much easier my life would have been without him. In fact I've rung TAMBA in tears a few times just saying I didn't want him (they were lovely by the way, please give them a call if you need a sympathetic ear!). He is generally easier now he can communicate better but oh, the tantrums I've dealt with...

@crazychemist it's so hard isn't it with two rather than one - and if you don't have anyone who can empathise IRL then it's even tougher. I remember going to one baby group and one of the mums saying "oh I couldn't have had twins, I just couldn't have coped!" and I thought "well what would you have done if you'd had them, you unhelpful cow?!" - I was just fuming. And no-one understands how frustrating it is when you don't get them to nap together. Grrrrr.

Mine are at school now after the hell of home schooling and it's a whole new set of challenges - including the neverending bloody squabbling! - but I send everyone with small DTs very big hugs as I know how tough it is. and to you all!

Hello. Another twin mum here. I could have written your post, and I so feel for you. I don't think anyone can understand how much more difficult everything is with tow unless they experience it.

However, I am about six months ahead of you and I can promise it is slowly slowly getting easier. Being able to communicate better is helping, and they are playing together more and more. I'm finally reaching a point where I can see a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of being able to take them out by myself. I'm not sure I'd feel that confident yet, but I think another six months and it'll be much less stressful.

That being said, I've just given up on a failed attempt at potty training. Giving us all a break and then I'll do one when the other!

Solidarity and hugs to all the twin mums. We are doing our best and it's all gonna be fine! Xxx

Oh bless you. OK, to start with, I have two, not twins, and bedtime only became an easy one person job 6 months ago. They're 5 and nearly 8. I still much prefer having one of us field each kid, it's way nicer that way. It wouldn't occur to me to feel guilty because wrangling 3 toddlers into bed is really hard! It just objectivy is hard. (Can your DH manage all 3 alone?) Actually, that's not true. I feel bad all the time for not being a "better" mum but I know at the same time that I'm being ridiculous and too hard on myself. And my set up of two older singletons is a LOT easier than yours.
You're so close to the point when things will get easier. Honestly, you will get there. Also I think it's fine to feel sad that things aren't as easy as you hoped. It doesn't make you a bad person or bad mum to not enjoy being pushed to your limit by toddlers! Try not to compound it by feeling bad you feel bad...
Finally, actual advice: for nappy changes, I used to do it on the ground sitting perpendicular to the nappy mat, and pin my son with my leg across his torso. Only way I could do it for about a year. Sometimes gentle force is the only way.

Thanks all for the replies, it is n or to know I'm not the only one feeling like this,  for all of you also going through the guilt of not being able to split yourself in half!
I have started to take them out some more places as @Twinmomma123 suggested to challenge myself a bit, and it's been great in part, but also insane. Took the two little ones to soft play while eldest at school - large soft play - has bits that older kids would like too - one was climbing up so high that I couldn't leave her, and I lost the other one  - he just ran off. Thankfully it was enclosed so he couldn't go far, but he could have been doing something equally dangerous. I went with a friend & her little one, so had some back up too but it just felt so stressful although DTs had a great time!

Sorry you had a crap day the other week @crazychemist - meant to reply at the time, but didn't manage..! Hope this week is better.

And thanks @newrubylane - that's encouraging that it's starting to feel easier for you. Hopefully we will get there soon too. I am off to buy some reins now...!

@twinguilt I have what sounds like a very similar configuration to you- 20 month old twins & a 3.5 year old, so I’m not any further ahead to offer wise words/words of hope but I am sending mega solidarity. I could have written your post. It is bloody hard. I was almost consumed by those thoughts of sadness/them/me being shortchanged when they were younger (my first was a super easy baby & is a massively equable kid. The next two both had tongue tie/reflux so it was HARD from the start and one is temperamentally much much more volatile & all three are mega active). As they get older and I see them interacting (mostly adorable, still quite a lot of screaming) I find those thoughts have receded and I can generally rejoice in the chaos. but the thoughts do still strike on occasion, generally when things are tough!
I have found the best way to minimise those thoughts is don’t expect too much of yourself. I don’t do bedtime by myself unless I have to. I wouldn’t generally take all three out by myself (much as I wish I could, it’s just not fun for anyone). Taking two out- I agree, good to try, but it is still stressful at this age. It will get better in a few months I reckon once they’re better at talking and listening. I think 2 is a real milestone in terms of understanding- you’re nearly there!
And I am working on seeing that what they have (the benefit of a real team, the three of them, plus the “twin bond” (whatever that is) is its own thing to be celebrated and which they will think is pretty awesome.
I should add that I think I’m a pretty good mother (give or take) but I am not a good twin mum. I am not a better person for the challenge and I still don’t see what the big fuss about twins is (ours were a complete surprise). I also don’t want to create a unit of singleton v twins so I try not to go all out on the twin front & focus on them instead as individuals and part of a trio of siblings (so I can see it might be easier to think of the benefits if I went all twintastic). I still think it would have been much better if they had come successively as singletons. That said: it is getting better as they get older. Everyone promises me when they are a bit older still I will think how amazing it is (!). So courage! And with you all the way.

Thanks for this post and all the responses here! My twins are 4 months old and I have had very similar feelings, sometimes I just feel so sad that I've not been able to be the mum I wanted to be. I'm sure you get that with any baby but I do feel it's amplified with twins. Like for example I have a lot of guilt about not managing to breast feed them, something I think I most likely would have been able to do if I had only had one. Then there is the fact that I don't feel very in tune with them somehow - people ask certain questions, and it's obvious they expect me to have an answer but all I can do is look blank, like "does he normally have a nap at this time?" Or "does he normally do that when he's hungry?" ... I genuinely just don't know my babies that well!