social problems with identical twins

[pop]

Hi - I have identical twin girls who started school in august. I feel really worried about the social side of school as they are never invited to any parties, play dates etc. They are very sociable and I know they are not nasty to other children in any way. One Mum admitted that her daughter just didn't know who was who so they became this blurred identity. They are in separate classes but school is open plan so all the classes play together. I find it really heartbreaking that time after time they are not invited. I try to make an effort to encourage friendshipe but find it hard to have someone back to play with one of them as the other one wants to join in and then the visitor gets left out as my girls def have there own little world sometimes. Help - what can I do and does anyone else find this a real issue?

My sisters were twins - I don't recall many friends coming back but then we lived in a small village and there were 3 of us anyway. They were also quite self-sufficient as a unit. But they are madly sociable as teens/adults so I wouldn't worry about the future!! Perhaps try different hairstyles so its really obvious which is which? I think the coming back after school thing is just inevitable...maybe you could try having 2 people back so they had one each or were a foursome, as 3 is an awkward number?

Hi my brothers are twins. They did have some similar problems at school. They were both called by a combination of both their names - ie they were both called JoshFrank (those aren't their real names, but you get the picture). This was rather frustrating for them.

The only thing that I can think of to solve your problem and un-blur their identity is to see whether you can do something like sewing a letter on their jumpers or something - if they are Emma and Beth, can you sew an E on one jumper and a B on the other? That way all teachers and pupils can have some kind of way of identifying them as people do have major trouble identifying twins in our experience, even when they are fraternal twins! I don't know if this is acceptable to you/the school, but my opinion is that it needs to be something really visible - other little kids are not going to remember x wears this, y wears that HTH

Thanks fo radvice - have thought about the hair style thing and although I dress them totally differently I don't feel I can decide who has long hair or short hair. That probably sounds really stupid but I feel that will come when they develop their own style. Anyway, as you said you then have to rely on everyone remembering who has which hair style. I do think the initial on the jumper would be good although at this stage that would be irrelevant for some children as they would not know what the letter was!! Just good to hear from fellow twinny mums. I feel soooo isolated amongst my friends as no one has these issues. Used to be quite active in the twins club but with work etc have not been for 2 years. cbcb do you do much to embrace the fact they are twins eg going to meet other twins etc? I feel we spend our time tryinng so hard to steer away from the twinny thing that maybe we don't acknowledge this amazing thing enough x

We have loads of twins in our primary school, and by KS2 they're in always in separate classes. As teachers we make a conscious effort, obviously, to differentiate between the two, despite some parents' determination to dress them identically. (and yes, you'd be surprised how many variations of the same uniform theme you can find!)However, it always surprises me how well the other kids tell them apart, and if I've ever inadvertently muddled them up (and as the aunt of identical boys I know what a cardinal sin that is), it's they who put me right - in no uncertain terms. And I would say that almost all sets have different friendship groups. My sister used to make a point of telling other parents that to want to invite one twin, didn't mean having to have the other, which seemed to be behind an initial lack of invitations. Some people are put off by the mere thought of a crowd for tea! It was a tough lesson at 1st for the boys, but they go through it, and the invitations soon poured in.

Give it time, I have identical twin girls aged 7, it took their peers a while to tell them apart but they got there eventually. It also took them a while to get invited on play dates as i think other mums felt the prospect of inviting them a bit daunting. Invite two children round for a playdate instead of one, that way noone gets left out.
If it makes you feel any better my reception singleton ds hasn't been to a party or playdate yet, friendships sometimes just take time to build.

Is it possible to invite a friend each? I know it sounds like hard work but I've always found that the more there are the easier it is to manage.

Once you start inviting children back to yours it should open the gate for them to be invited out.

It never fails to amaze me that multiple mums need to continually push and strive to show their children as individuals when others (who complain that they are not individual ) continue to lump them together!

Anyhoo.......... the rest of the multiple calvary will be along shortly to help you through this.

Hi Pop, I just wanted togive you my support and sympathy... I agree what the others have already suggested.
I understand that choosing one of them to have a shorter hair cut would be difficult but it doesn't have to be too drastic, What about one having a fringe? (or do they both have one already?!)
FWIW People get mine confused all the time and they are different sexes!!
Anyway, hopefully mars is right and the others will be over soon... Good luck!

I have girl/boy so a bit easier but like clam said 'you don't need to invite them both' which some parents might feel they have too and that puts them off.

Good idea to invite a friend each on the same day....... give it a go and good luck

Hi Pop. My id girls are 2.8 and at pre-school so although I don't have this issue yet, I have started thinking about it. My older girl had loads of play dates whilst at pre-school but the mother always came too, but now she is in reception, she tends to go it alone. Having said that, the only play dates she has had so far are with children she already knew.

I would just second what has already been said - when you invite other children to your house, invite one friend for each of them and also reiterate to the other mums that they don't have to invite both of them at the same time.

Re telling them apart - I have found that my friends often find it difficult, but the children almost always get it right. Like you I always dress mine differently, but as they don't have much hair yet, I can't experiment with different hairstyles . I would definitely talk to their teachers about this to try and work something out so that they and their classmates can tell who is who.

In dd's class there are non-identical twin boys who look alike a lot. She finds it difficult to keep them apart (but she seems to like them both and has recently said that she wants to go to their house, so I'll invite them first). Different hairstyles sounds like a good idea. My dd went to a smallish nursery first, and they had a very nice habit of starting the day with circle time and saying xxx came to school today, yyy came to school today going around the circle while clapping hands in rhythem, which I thought was a nice way to make sure that they all knew who was who. When she moved to the nursery attached to her school, it was left up to her to figure out the names of the other children, and it took quite a while. Maybe you could talk to the teachers about finding a way of making sure that all the children know each other's names? I'm sure it would benefit them all.

Hi,
Its a problem I am still trying to deal with. My trio are girl, two boys, all look totally different, they will be 10 in Jan. What happens here is Rebecca gets all the invites, swimming, tea, parties, come to play etc! The boys have had one invite this year. I am sure its because people think they will have to invite both, I have stressed that mine are old enough to accept that one can be invited without the other. We have invited their own special friends here, tried letting them both have a friend or just one inviting a friend, it seems to make no difference. They get very upset that Rebecca has all the invites, and I try to be fair to her as she is here with two brothers who often exclude her from their games, and she needs female company. It is a nightmare. Their school is a small village school and so they are all in the same class, so no chance of them splitting, which may have eased the situation. I think in our case we will have to wait until they go off to secondary school, where they will probably end up in different classes. Good luck!

thanks everyone so much for all your advice and suppoert - think I will speak to the teachers about it and bite the bullet and have some friends round. I find it such a nightmare having kids over as with my three (have a singleton too) I feel it is enough work without anyone else's too!!!

don't forget to come and say hi over on the d'y ever thread.

LG&T has 6 children, I have 5 and TripletandTwins.... kinda speaks for herself really lol!

Lots of virtual cake, alcohol and hankies available.

I always thought that play dates would be too much to handle, but I actually find they make life easier - the children all go off and play together and leave me in peace for a while. Tea-time can be a bit stressful, but once they are all sitting eating, it's fine. You might find it's easier than you think .

you don't have to cut their hair. There are id twin girls at our school, one always has a pony tail, the other has two pigtails! Mine seemed to be able to tell them apart no probs.

I have four kids, and I find the idea of bringing home more than one playdate a bit much (also rather impossible unless I strap one to the roof of the car ) I try to arrange playdates so that one goes somewhere, and the other brings a friend home! I find the kids are getting pretty good at inviting themselves out for tea somewhere. I then reciprocate and dd has two good friends who she swaps playdates with, and ds1 did have two or three too.

As another mum of four i do the same, when one of mine goes some where I arrange for another child to come here the same day. That said I like having ym house full of kids, its lovely.
My identical twin girls have the same hair, i just tie it up differently, sometimes they have the same clothes if they both like them. I try not to place too much empahasis on anything really, I don't go out of my way to make them be seen as individuals, they are individuals, they look the same but have different personalities, different likes and dislikes. Consequently by year three they are in different classes, have different friends and are largely happy.