Twins and sharing

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all

So I have 16m twins. I know they are still young but snatching is day to day and causes stamping of feet, hitting the toy box/head. Basically frustration! This has got progressively worse over the past week and I really don't know what to do. So...

Twin 1: She's the oldest, the one who likes morning cuddles and has her special rabbit by her side. She laid back, content and twin 2 is the love of her life. She can be mardy but can self soothe

Twin 2: Youngest but feisty. 16m going on 16yrs. Loves twin 1, has always got her back and knows how and what makes her happy. She's usually busy being independent and doesn't give a shit or take shit really.

So said rabbit is in the cot at night time. Twin 1 throws it over to twin 2. Cries her eyes out until either she pulls it back through the bars or twin 2 will throw it back over. In the day twin 2 is so bad at snatching that twin 1 just looks at me for help. I used to go over and say no give it back and try distraction etc but now just ignore it and say to her well take it back. Sometimes she does, succeeds, sometimes she throws a paddy, sometimes she walks off, sometimes my son (who's 3) decides to take it upon himself and take it off twin 1 and give it back

Anyway...

What do I do? I feel awful ignoring it as I don't want either of them to be upset but I don't want to be a referee. I want twin 1 to be able to stand up for herself and not do this ear shrieking scream and then look at me for help every time something is snatched. I know babies don't do it maliciously and they haven't got the capability to share yet but is there anyway I can get twin 1 to stand her ground a bit more?

Awake at this ridiculous time as twin 1 threw rabbit over the cot and the shriek woke me up. She's now fell asleep without it as twin 2 has laid on it. In all fairness she shouldn't have thrown it over then should she?? Out of ideas tbh

Thanks

Bump for more insights?? Xx

Ooh, my singleton and twins are the same ages as yours!

My DT2 is the dominant, toy-taking one as well. I hand them back, because I'm trying to teach DT2 that you don't snatch toys from other children - I think DT1 is still too little to be taught to stick up for herself at the moment. But she's recently started throwing her sleep toy out of the cot too (on to the floor, not to her twin), and I'm trying to teach her to "look after" her toys by making her wait longer before I retrieve it. So each time she does it, I point to the toy on the floor and tell her "No", but the first time she gets it back straight away - second time she has wait a minute for it, then two minutes, etc. It worked with my eldest (eventually!)

Thankyou for your reply panda

Interesting read! What does DT2 do when you take the toy back though and do you give it to DT1?

With the bunny I have come to the conclusion that she is going to have to learn that if she puts it over she doesn't get it, I feel so sorry for her though but it's a lesson isn't it?? Or am I cruel?

Happy to hear there is someone else out there with others my age!

I have twins and in these situations I let mine solve the issues between themselves. From an early age I did not get involved in any squabbles unless there was blood involved.

Yes, I give the toy back to DT1 - and DT2 usually wails about it! I know what you mean about feeling bad, but no - you're not cruel; they need to learn these things somehow, and better that it's a "safe" environment like that than (e.g.) having something from stolen from them at school and not being able to get it back.

Good point from Coldwinterahead1 too though! Generally speaking, I do agree with the "let them sort it out for themselves" approach, but in this scenario I intervene because I don't know how DT2 will learn not to take toys from other kids if it always works out in her favour!

I see both points, it's like it's depends what it is, when it is etc

Twin 2 will go off and hit things and then go back for it and sometimes gets it back. Sometimes doesn't

Maybe it's a case of seeing if they can resolve it in a 2 minutes - actually time it and then if not intervene and make it longer each time

I have to add though, if twin 1 snatches off twin 2, twin 2 looks straight at me for help and really I want her to 'grow a set' tbh. My son and twin 2 are very resilient in character, she needs to stand her ground a little more. How do I stop that puppy eye look that says 'help me'??

Interesting idea about putting a time limit on them resolving things - might try that!

When DT2 looks at you to intervene, what would happen if you were busy with something else and "didn't notice"?

She will look at me to see if I am looking, if I am she will do the puppy dog eyes and cry, if I'm not (but I've been looking out the corner of my eye) she cries but then gets up and hits things and then goes back to DT2 to try and get the toy are do the puppy dog eyes and cry again to get my attention

oh god I could have written this myself. I now try and let them sort things out between them with a few exceptions.

DT2 (the bigger girl) has a dolly that she's been attached to since she was about 12 months old (currently 22 months old). She sleeps with it and takes it everywhere. We have plenty of other dolls for them to play with but this is the special one. DT1 (who is tiny) tries to take it and then we have tears all around. Even though I offer alternatives to DT1 it's no good.

DT1 is definitely the ring leader, and DT2 will want whatever her sister is playing with. I only tend to get involved when it's getting particularly feisty or when DT2 starts pushing

There really is no easy solution. I love and hate this age. They have so much personality which I love but my goodness they are challenging and pushing every boundary they can think of

Not much help there OP but I can only offer solidarity

Thankyou Bridget

Kids aren't stupid are they?? They know exactly what they are doing!

Well today has been lovely - HOWEVER, we have a playroom and we have been in there today, so maybe downstairs they fight more?

I will have to keep an eye on that

The thing is twin 1 has got to grow a set of balls, she really has. The funniest thing is she's bigger and faster so could snatch the toy and run 😂 she is in awe of twin 2 though.

Bridget now they are older are they more 'friends' I find they just accept each other are there and don't really acknowledge either other apart from the negative things??

urgh that's tough, are they friends??? I'm not sure at the moment. They sometimes play really well but mostly at the moment they fight over things. They go to nursery 2 mornings a week & they tell me that they don't particularly play with each other or seek each other out for comfort either.

They do have spells where they will chase each other laughing their heads off, tickle each other, give each other dummies when they are upset, but equally pinch dummies when they are upset lol.

I'm really hoping that as they get a bit older then they will play together a bit more.

Can't wait to start on the potty training

Haha I can imagine my girls to be the same, hopefully next January they will be going 2 1/2 days to Pre school. Great they show independence though but they must know each other are there and they are related??

At the moment my two fight over DS potty that's like a toilet one they like to sit on it facing backwards 😂😂😂

Twins are odd, I thought I knew about about them a bit ha ha

Tbh I don't let mine snatch. I think young toddlers are too young to expect them to stand up for themselves. I also think it helps them get into adversarial roles. I am very brisk but clear - no, we don't snatch. If they keeping fighting over sthg it goes away. Mine are almost 3y

I don't mean stand up for herself strongly I use urban a loose term really. More stand her ground. Pre school say my son is caring, popular and has a great group of friends but if needed he will stand his ground.

I think it's about balance - isn't everything in life??

I am keeping an eye on conflicts between them and if they increase etc I am thinking of timing them too. Still unsure how that will work but we will see.

What else is there to do??

You need to be a referee and teach them the correct behaviour. Yes it feels endless but unless you teach them that snatching is wrong, and how to share, I don't understand how you think they will learn.