Am I terrible?

[Mumoftwo1990]

Hi all,
So I'll try to keep this as short as I can but basically I'm a mum of twins (almost 9 months old) it was a crappy pregnancy and crappy recovery for me (I have epilepsy).
I never wanted children, my partner did and we were at a point were we potentially going to have to go our separate ways even though we were still in love. However, I then fell pregnant an accident obviously and I wasn't sure about termination so continued.
Now I was talking with my partner the other day and he said that he can't remember if I've ever said I love you to our twins, and honestly I can't remember if I ever have. I'm very affectionate but I'm not a natural mother in my opinion.
He's worried that due to my childhood (abusive) and I loves yous were not said to my memory, that our girls will grow up being distant or u loved by me like I do with my mum.

I suppose my question is, has anyone else been through this or give me any helpful advice?

Thanks

I agree, it isn't what you say - especially to 9mo - but how you feel and what you show. Do you feel love for them? Do you enjoy being a mum now it has happened? Some counselling would probably be really beneficial to you, becoming a mother dragged a lot of childhood stuff with me which has previously been buried.
Go easy on yourself too - sounds like you're doing great X

Do you think they feel loved?

Love is demonstrated. My parents have probably said it 3 times (if that) but I’ve no doubt they love me.

Whilst I always knew my mum loved me a lot by her actions, it did sting a bit to never be told. she eventually started doing it after her sister died and I think she had an appreciation of people and life a bit more.. if you can start doing it when the babies are tiny and doesn't matter if you feel awkward or forcing it, you will get used to it and it will begin to come naturally. tell them!

Do you love them op?

My mum had an awful relationship with her mum but was a fantastic mum to me. When I was a teenager I realised she never really hugged me, and didn't say that she loved me. It suprised me because I never doubted that she loved me, and it interested me, more than bothered me. So what I am trying to say is, it's perfectly possible for a child to feel and know they are loved without saying it.

My parents never told me they loved me, but I dont ever remember feeling like they didn't.

After a fairly traumatic year in 2019 my mums started saying it -and I find it a bit weird-

Never told by my parents, tell my kids all the time. It may feel uncomfortable to you, but try it out on them at bedtime maybe?

My mum has never told me she loves me. I find it very sad to be honest. My dad used to say it all the time (RIP) and I had a much closer bond with him.

My advice is “fake it til you make it”! Force yourself to start saying it when you give them a hug, at bedtime for instance, and after a bit it will come naturally. I think it IS important to tell your kids you love them and I try to tell mine at some point every day, usually bedtime. I do think my own parents loved me but I don’t remember them saying it or being particularly affectionate or interested in me so I try to learn from this and tell my own dc’s I love them and ask about their day/show interest in what they’re into etc.
You sound like a loving mum ,the fact you say you are affectionate is great but you are maybe just unused to vocalising it due to your own dp’s lack of love?

Just do it - you are not your parents, you are doing things differently.

Oh my goodness I cannot believe the replies here!! You have 9 month old twins, you barely have time to brush your teeth and comb your hair. Of course you love them otherwise you wouldn’t feel awful about realising you hadn’t said it!

Give yourself a break and now you’re conscious of it say it a few times. I have 21 month old girls and we’re just teaching them to say “love you” now

Xxxx

I agree it felt weird at first as we never heard it as kids. My teens say it to me all the time and vise versa. It's very nice.

Love isn’t something you say, but something you do. You could be an awful, neglectful parent and say “I love you”. Or you could never say it but you could attend to every night waking, change their nappies, cuddle them, give them baths, clear up endless throwing of food, play with them, sing 9,000 rounds of Wheels on the Bus when you’re bored shitless, etc.

I’m not sure I’ve said “I love you” to DD and it’s not something my parents ever said to me; but I was flooded with unconditional love, affection, care and support, as is DD.

I think your partner is being very unfair here and planting a worry; IMO it’s a huge leap from “affectionate but doesn’t use a three-word phrase” to “will emotionally harm your relationship with your children”. Does he critique your parenting in other ways?