Unplanned pregnancy and it's twins :(

[bornninthe80s]

Have a 2 year old and am 40 and just discovered I have a twin pregnancy. I've basically been taking over the pregnancy choices board lately. Timing is awful as I'm not currently working and imagining all sorts of horrors in terms of finances, logistics, the fact that my first was born at 34+6 without explanation...

Have any 'older' mums been in this situation? A toddler and then twins? I'm less than 6 weeks in and already out of breath, inpatient, feeling sick... and I'm very fit and healthy! Well apart from daily lockdown magnums.

Never imagined a big family and thought I was one and done (DD popped out when I was 38.5). Now this. I actually found out about the fraternal twins yesterday at a pre scan at Marie stopes and now my head is a mess

I've never ended a pregnancy before and never had a miscarriage that I know of. I was shocked when I thought it was one but wrapped my head around that then found out it was two.

Just interested in how people survive this kind of thing! How do you afford it? How does your body survive (I had PGP badly before and only got to 34 weeks). How does your marriage survive? How does your oldest get any attention?

Thanks in advance from a very desperate mum.

I wasn't over 40 (36) but did have a just turned 3 year old when I found out I was having twins. It was a huge huge shock and in all honesty if someone could have magicked it all away when I first found out I'd have jumped at the chance. Give it a bit of time to sink in and think about the practicalities and what you want to do.

My first was born at 36 weeks and my twins at 33, it was scary but they were fine, I was so sick throughout my first pregnancy and with my second I thought I might die, by the time the twins were born I'd put on only 5 kilos! That sounds awful but in reality, I look back and remember only the good. The fact is, you can do it if you want to. My big one found his place and the 3 are a little team of teenagers now.

its a lot to take in, you will be ok though xx

God love you OP, this must be massive shock. I think twins seem like a huge amount of work, after you’ve had one child and you reflect back on those newborn days. I have a family member who nearly had a nervous breakdown when she found out she was pregnant with 2 when dc1 was 3. She had to have a real word with herself when she was six months pregnant because she just couldn’t see how she was going to “cope” with two babies, and had been experiencing pretty bad anxiety since she found out at seven weeks. She then realised that she wasn’t a first time mum- she was an experienced parents and knew what she was doing second time around.

I don’t have twins, but I do have a non-identical twin sister. Mum and dad said the early years were a bit of a blur, but as we grew we had a constant playmate and were never lonely. They were quick to get into a groove routine-wise and they’ve never complained of feeling exhausted or not having enough hands, even when we were tiny.

We are still exceptionally close as adults (much to our husbands’ annoyance!) and our kids are like bonus-children to each other as well.

I’m sure a multiple mum will come on and have plenty of hints and tips about how to make life with twins as streamlined as possible.

Not me but a friend had twins while already having a toddler. Late 30s. Planned but twins unexpected. Tbh it's looked utterly miserable at points. Her and her DP are constantly exhausted and skint, she has developed depression. It's been very very hard despite having an excellent local support network. I hope things look up for her soon. She's 41 now and the twins are nearly three.

You don't have to continue this pregnancy OP. If one baby was daunting then twins must be doubly so. Plenty of women have terminations and afterwards feel relieved and happy with their choice.
Put yourself and your existing family first.

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I honestly need to talk about every possible outcome imaginable and MN is a godsend at the moment 💜 thank you everyone x

Just realised I was autocorrected in OP and my 'impatient' became 'inpatient' Freudian slip if ever I've known one

A PP talked about how being an experienced parent makes a difference - absolutely this! It is more work, but the work is easier, if that makes sense? So I'm busier than I was with my PFB, but am 10 months in and haven't broken down in tears at any point - which I'd done several times over by this stage with DD1!

To answer some of your other questions...

Affording it - Do you still have the baby gear from your two year old? That will cover most of it - all you really need to double up on is somewhere for them to sleep and a bouncy chair. You'll also need a double pushchair, but there are cheap options that are suitable from birth (e.g. the Joie Aire). If you can find your nearest twins club, there's always people selling that sort of thing second hand too.

Surviving pregnancy - I know you're off to a rough start, but it really is too early to know how it's going to be for you - and it's definitely not a given that twin pregnancies are harder (mine was actually a breeze compared to my singleton one!)

Marriage strain - I think that will largely depend on what your marriage and DH are like. I'm lucky that mine is very supportive and hands-on, so it's not cause us any additional strain, but I imagine that would be different if I was shouldering more of the load alone.

Attention for the eldest - She does get more TV time that she used to, but babies sleep a lot, so she still gets a lot of 1:1 time too. And DD2 and DD3 are quite used to my attention being split and far more content to play independently than DD1 was at that age, so I can give each of them individual attention too.

I hope that's some kind of help... It's difficult, because it really does depend on your own circumstances and family. But if you do choose to go ahead, you will find your way through it

Been there...have the tshirt. Found had ds1 using IUI then when he was four months old got accidentally pregnant with twins. I was shocked and scared. Don’t hate me...but I thought if I miscarried it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

But I settled in and now they are 3 and 2/2 and it’s getting better. My advice:

1. Think logistics: how do you want to get the around? How can you organize yourself to get out of the house with them. We bought a wagon - lifesaver

1. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Take up everyone who offers it.

1. Make a deal with your DP. Fights in the first year don’t count. Just forgive and move on.

Good luck. Hope this helps

I am 39, and have a four (almost five) year old and twins who just turned two. Pre-twins, I was adamant that we would never have more than two children. When we found out (at a very early scan) that it was twins, I was horrified. Now we are two years in, I am kind of reconciled to the whole thing :) But it took a long time!

For me, things got better once they didn't have to be carried everywhere (it was just such physically hard work before then - and I am pretty fit), and since then it's been gradually getting easier.

We were also very unambitious with what we did with them all for the first year (twins are a great excuse not to do anything you don't want to), so didn't do any long-distance trips to see extended family etc. until they were a bit older. Think our first night all away together wasn't until after they were one.

On your questions:

1. Seconded that you don't actually need loads of stuff - another cot (eventually), a second bouncy chair, a second car seat and a double pram was about it for us.

1. I found the pregnancy OK. I was massive, but kept moving (more and more slowly) and saw a really good obstetric physio. Now probably as fit as I was beforehand.

1. So far so good for the marriage. We were very 50 / 50 with the first and carried on like that for the twins (including shared parental leave), but I can see how it wrecks relationships if one person doesn't pull their weight as the early stages are tough (no getting around that). As above, just agree that arguments in the first year (maybe first two) don't count.

1. The oldest did watch more TV than usual for a while, but soon enough we managed to split our time a bit so that she got more one on one time, and she (mainly) loves being a big sister, especially now they are old enough to play together.

Good luck whatever you decide. I really do feel your pain. Never thought I would be in this situation, but wouldn't change it now.

Hello,
I was 38 with an 18 month old when I found out I was having twins. So VERY much where you are, except my pregancy was sort of planned in that it took ages to fall pregnant with DC1 assumed it would take ages or not happen with DC2 and i was fine with it not happening and just having 1. I got pregnant first cycle off contraception and there were 2 of them. I was distraught and really didn't see how I would cope. I was sick throughout the pregnancy. They were a planned CS at 38 weeks. Everyone said the first year would be awful but actually I really enjoyed it. In some ways there was less pressure to get it 'right'. But they are now 8 and whilst I love them more than life itself I find life very very hard. They both have autism and although very academic are still emotionally stuck in the toddler phase. Sometimes they all play really nicely and its lovely, and despite the challenges, their big sister utterly adores them. But it isn't the life I planned and it isn't one I would choose. My career and finances have taken a massive hit , and my relationship with DH while strong is not a husband and wife one. It is a joint carer role. There is no time for us. Would it be different without autism - almost certainly but would i do it again knowing what I know now ? If I'm honest, and I think you are looking for honesty... no, I wouldn't. But then I also don't know if I would terminate if I was where you are as although hard we will survive it. I guess I wanted you to know how it has been for me . I wouldnt choose to do it. I wish I had stopped at one. But it is what it is and we will get through it. And we will have good times along the way.

Been there too. We tried for a second baby, then I sobbed about my life being over during the 12 week scan when we found out there were two. My DS was just over 2 when the twins were born, is now 3, and the twins 9 months old. I'm 35.

We had to move house and get a new car. Our lives completely changed trajectory. I wasn't working either, so finances have been stressful, but so far, we've done it. Just.

Previous posts on this thread have given all the good advice I can think of. All I can add is that because I'd done things once before, I found twins just about manageable, because I knew the shortcuts I needed to take to manage before I lost the plot. So I coslept - never did that the first time around. I said yes to all help. I've just had my hair cut short to avoid little hands yanking at it and using it as a comforter which I absolutely hated the first time. That sort of thing. If I was having twins as a first pregnancy, I would have found it so much harder (wouldn't have the additional toddler though. Swings, roundabouts).

Being completely honest with you, the current days are hard and relentless. But people say it gets easier and becomes joyful watching them grow, so I'm holding into that.

Good luck with everything, OP.