Feeling like half a mum to my lovely twins - worried about bonding

[QueenOfThePumpkins]

My little girls are approaching 3 months now and they are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't have any other children to compare, but they seem to be pretty easy babies. They are usually quite content and I am surprised to be getting a good 6 hours sleep every night (2x 3 hours with a feed in the middle). But I keep getting pangs of sadness about what they miss out on being twins

I feel like I rush everything with them because I'm conscious that the other one is waiting. For example, bath time should be a lovely opportunity to bond but instead is just done as quickly as possible. They are formula fed on demand (breastfeeding just didn't work out) and although they both tend to be ready at the same time, they don't give me any warning or early signs of being hungry. So I have to run off for 5-10 minutes to get the bottles while they scream the house down. I can't help but feel that this will affect their attachment and feeling of security

I don't cuddle them half as much as I should because I'd feel bad for "choosing" one to pick up! And I feel like I always need to be ready in case one actually needs something. When they both cry at the same time it breaks my heart that I can only tend to one.

Things are easier when my DH is around as we take one each. But he is working a lot, and with lockdown there is nobody else like grandparents to fuss them.

I just wanted to get this off my chest really. If anyone has any thoughts, experience or advice then that would be a bonus.

Also, triplet parents... You are superheroes!

I don’t have multiples so no direct experience, but just a couple of thoughts until a mum of twins comes along.

I think (to an extent) you’re comparing reality with an idealised alternative. For example, bath time with my eldest wasn’t “lovely bonding time”. My first baby hated the water so it was a stressful scream-fest each time for more than a year. My second had horrible colic and cried for five hours straight every evening and was very hard to comfort.

You don’t know what a different, single baby would have been like, by which I mean that if you had had a single, that would likely been a completely different individual (not just one of your existing twins), with different quirks, difficulties and issues. So I wouldn’t give yourself a hard time by assuming there is some picture-perfect alternative scenario out there. Don’t beat yourself up with “shoulds”, either. There are no “shoulds” with newborns other than feeding them, keeping them clean and warm and loving them.

One thing I did with my eldest two (not twins but a very small age gap) as talk to and engage with one, while cuddling, rocking or bouncing the other. I’ve no idea if that would work with twins but it might be a way of feeling less guilty about cuddling one at a time?

You sound like you’re doing brilliantly. They sound well cared for.

I also imagine that there are big positives to having a twin that balance out any slight drawbacks.

As above really... its very similar to having 2 singleton children! My DD is 3 and DS is 7 months.

It gets easier as they get older as DS likes to sit on the floor and play now so once your twins are older you can sit down together and play on the floor! Also at bath time it will get easier as they learn to play and splash...

They are still very young at the minute and all they want at this point is your attention! Holding one baby at a time whilst the other is settled will not upset the other ☺️

Also baby sensory on youtube is a life saver 😄

Hello OP, I have twins around the same age, they’re 3 months today. I know exactly how you feel!

Things that have worked for us have been establishing a routine with them. They’ve slowly gotten in to a routine of feeding every 4 hours so once they’re awake and have had their first bottles I can start to predict when they’ll be hungry again, so if I’m on my own I’ll maybe wake one twin 15 mins before, get him fed ready for his brother to wake for his. I’ve tried tandem feeding as well and have had some success with a twin feeding pillow! Bloody kills my back haha but it works.
Bath time, I put the other twin in a bouncer just outside the bathroom so he can see what’s going on. I do feel like I rush getting them dry and dressed as I know there’s another waiting, but I try and do bath and bed fairly quickly anyway as I find the longer it takes the less settled they are!
There are always, always moments during the week when they are both crying or fussing and you have to ‘pick one’ but just remember, crying is their only way to communicate at this point. If he’s safe and just waiting his turn, he’s fine!

You say they are approaching 3 months, how old are they? Mine are 13 weeks now and I’ve found a massive difference in them the past week or so. They are much more settled and the random crying is becoming less and less.

It’s hard hard work being a twin mum so don’t beat yourself up. They will be absolutely fine! Also, I have personally found that having to leave them for 5-10 mins to cry at times when you're tending the other has really helped my boys self settle. They both go down for naps and bed time like an absolute dream! So there are some positives :)

You know how they say to never assume a woman is pregnant, never ask a single person at wedding when it will be their turn, etc? Add to that list: never tell a twin parent that two singletons with a small age gap is basically the same! In the OP's situation, if you have a baby and a slightly older child, you can sit next to the older one on the floor and play one handed, whilst holding the baby with the other arm. Not possible with baby twins. If you have two children of different ages, they'll have different routines - and yes, there will occasionally be overlap when they both need you, but it won't be all the time. And if they're both hungry at once, the older child can at least have finger food while you feed the baby. And you can have 1:1 time with each one when the other is asleep. Etc.

OP - my twins are 6 months and how you feel is very normal! In response to a couple of specific things you mentioned... Picking them up and "choosing" - just go for whichever you've held less recently, and that means that next time it'll be the other one, so it'll balance out. Attachment, I worry about this too, but I think it's just mum guilt - so far I can't see any difference in the attachment of my twins compared to my singleton when she was the same age. I also agree with MrsEG that it can be good for them to have to "wait their turn" sometimes!

I have twins (grown up now) and it is hard to cope with that feeling of not meeting their needs at times. My take on it was that I did my best, but I am only one person. Feeling overwhelmed is tough, all you can do is keep going. Get help where you can, start each day anew, don’t dwell on your mistakes/mishaps. Try and see the funny side if you can? Especially when so many people said to me ‘oh I’d have loved twins’ and I just wondered if they understood the reality!

never tell a twin parent that two singletons with a small age gap is basically the same!

Phew. Just as well I didn’t, then

Phew. Just as well I didn’t, then

Nope, your post was great! HT96, on the other hand, did say it was very similar to singletons!

As a small aside, do you have a perfect prep machine? I used to pre- measure the formula powder into little pots and then it was ready to go. Should cut time making the bottles down - if you're not already doing so.

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. X

I think it sounds like you're doing well, I have twins and at 3mo I was just hoping to be leaving the house without vomit on me. I do remember feeling guilty as the smaller one used to seem to get more attention as she was ill a lot but it balances out. They and we have a lovely bond now (they're 5).

@PowerslidePanda I completely agree with that - there’s actually only 15 months between me and my sister so my own Mother has taken to telling me ‘she basically had twins’ - no, no you didn’t!! I’ve also had a friend compare my twins to her two puppies.....

@MrsEG - Ooh, that must be infuriating! I assume people do it to try and express empathy, but it's just one of those statements that is never going to be well received!

Hi OP, I have twins and though mine are now 18 months old, reading your post takes me right back- I felt exactly the same!

Some tips I found made things much easier:

• get a twin feeding pillow. You can feed them both at the same time then. Just pause half way to wind them both in turn then continue!

• cuddles - cuddle who ever is awake at the time or if both of them get them both snuggled onto you for a double cuddle. If you lay them on the floor side by side you can scoop your hands under them both so you are supporting both their heads with your hands and your forearms are under their body, then lean forward close to them and pull them to your chest, then lay back so they are laid stomach down against your chest. It might take some practising to feel confident with but it's a game changer and definitely worth trying!

Talking and playing- lay them in the twin pillow so they are propped up side by side and you can sit in front of them and talk to them both.

Hope it helps!

I have 13 week old twin girls, and do the following:
Bathing I bath the twins on different nights (as they don't need a bath every day at this age) so I get to spend that one on one time with them.

Feeding - do you use dummies? When my two are awake for feeding I pop a dummy in whilst I get them changed and bottles ready.
I second using a prep machine and having the formula measured out into the little pots. Every second counts!
I use a twin pillow to feed them at the same time.

Playing/Cuddling - if they are both awake I often play with them so they are laid side by side. I also pop one on the play mat whilst cuddling and reading a book to one and then switch over. Alot of the time I will sing a nursery rhyme to one and then sing it again to the other.

If they both cry then unfortunately not much you can do apart from cuddle one and try and soothe the other with your other arm. Sometimes I do just have to pick the twin who is crying the loudest or who started crying first.

Every few weeks on a Saturday and Sunday my husband and I will take a twin each for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Due to lockdown its limited what we can do seperately but for example my OH may play in living room with the playmat/toys whilst I take the other twin to the nursery and give them a baby massage or one of us may go for a walk.
Before lockdown I would take one twin to town with me or go to the local coffee shop etc.

I am sure soon they will love being twins. My girls are slowly starting to interact with each other more and more. Seeing their bond is really special.

I hope OP is okay.

Wow thanks so much everyone, I was not expecting so many brilliant tips and ideas :)
So glad I posted, lots of things to try. It's also really good to know that it's normal to feel like this and I'm not doing something wrong! Really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences with me, it has certainly given me a bit of a confidence boost.

@ArriettyJones that is a really good way of looking at it. I do sometimes think of what it must be like to have a newborn and a toddler too... At least at the moment neither of mine are mobile

@MrsEG mine are just about 12 weeks, so it's good to know that they might be turning a corner soon. It certainly gets more rewarding as they are smiling more etc. I also have to remind myself that they were a month early so I shouldn't expect too much of them.

@womaninatightspot I know what you mean about the vomit!! My poor washing machine doesn't know what's hit it haha.

@QueenOfThePumpkins,
OMG!! I know exactly how you feel! I'm a Twin Mum to 4months old Boys and I have an elder son of 10yo. Everything you said I relate to 100%. Onlyvthing I can say is the opportunity of 1-2-1 with each baby will present itself and you just have to enjoy each Baby as much as possible in that moment. But yes I feel the same way. With my 1st Son I could enjoy him more and felt bonding with him was not limited. But being a Mum of Twins sure does feel pressured and as you said no warning with Twins getting up and my boys get up instantly always together which at the moment is OK because DH is home due to lockdown and Elder son is home but when they return to School and work only GOD knows how things are going to work. All I can advise is take notes from the posts and invest in toys just as a bouncer or swing so when you are handling one the other is somewhat entertained. Get a head start when they are due to get up so like already suggested wake 1 twin up slightly earlier if you know they will be up soon. Preparation is key my boys are Bottle fed so I get a Themos made up with hot/warm water on stand by and formula prepped so it's the case of pour n shake and its ready to go. This method is also best for night feeds .
Just take it 1 step at a time and I am also taking in notes from other posts. Thank you Twin Mums you know this role is super Hard!!

I'm a little late to the party but I've just stumbled across this thread and i'm so glad I did, I'm currently 12+4 with twins and although still really early days (struggling to be 100% positive as worry about the higher risk of twin pregnancy) but should all be well they'll be here by the end of nov time and I'm bricking it to say the least. I have a 16 month old now and he's full on at the moment today is the first day I've gone without a day time nap in months. (I have been in bed since 8.30 tonight cause I'm pooped!) I've been really worrying about how I'm going to cope with twins! But there has been some great tips on here so thank you @QueenOfThePumpkins for your post!!

Also late to the party. My twins are 6 months, the first few months were relentless so I do feel for you. It does get easier though! I promise! I coped by getting them on the same routine early, feeding at the same time etc (using boppy pillows to prop them up for bottle feeding, or tandem breastfeeding). If they cried at the same time i would pick up the one that was the most distressed first while trying to soothe the other one (by singing, rocking with foot on bouncer etc). As time goes on and they get better head control you can pick them both up at the same time and walk about with them. Have you also tried a double sling suitable from birth? Now mine are older when they both cry for food and I need to make a bottle I put them in bouncy chairs in the kitchen so they can see and hear me. Sometimes singing or talking through what I’m doing will distract them etc - much easier to do when they are a bit older - it’ll get easier soon.