Had a bad day yesterday - twins on the way

[Reiltin]

We have 2 kids - always wanted 3. The third became and third and fourth, who are still cooking - I’ve a couple of months left (fingers crossed!) when I found out I was pregnant, I was all-of-a-sudden convinced it was an awful idea. Learning it was twins didn’t help! Anyway, that was quite some time ago and I’ve moved on. Still not thrilled with the whole situation but occasionally feel like it might not be a complete disaster. But yesterday was horrible. Work sucked, my 4yo is challenging at the moment - generally, I just felt like I didn’t have anything left to give. I have no spare capacity for anything, let alone another two babies. I’m significantly worried about pnd - I didn’t have it before but, given that I’m kinda antenatally depressed, I can’t imagine I won’t suffer from pnd. I’m facing into 18-24m of twin baby craziness. What the hell - how on earth am I going to manage?

We’ve been looking at ways I can get some help but I don’t want people taking my 2 current kids away every day. I don’t want people in my space the whole time. I can’t put anything in motion cos nothing seems like a good idea.

I’m just overwhelmed. All support and good ideas would be great fully accepted 😊

Hi, I'm at a far earlier stage than you (only just coming up for 12 weeks) but otherwise in quite a similar position- always wanted a third, third turned out to be 3 and 4! I don't have many practical suggestions as not yet got my head around it myself, but just wanted to say you're not alone. I feel very similarly about knowing we are going to need help wherever possible but also not wanting people in my space too much, or to take my older two away.

Are your older ones school age? Would you feel better with say paid for / professional help (e.g. mothers help, postnatal doula, cleaner etc) rather than family? Or vice versa? I know certain options may not be possible either because of cost or lack of family nearby/being willing/able etc.? Just wondering what your fears are about people helping and if certain forms of help might feel better than others...?

A friend sent me a link to cheap or free maternity nurses if you are expecting multiples. I'll dig that link out. Have you looked at Tamba and local multiples groups?

I am scared and have no idea how we are going to cope, financially or emotionally, luckily (?) my eldest two are in school or will be come the autumn. Which I guess helps. But the cost of childcare just looks terrifying and crippling, I have no idea how we are going to keep working through the next few years! I panic but then I think we will cope, because we'll have to, and others manage. Also I know I'm susceptible to MH issues so v mindful of that.... I am basically telling all midwives now and at the slightest hint of PND I suspect I may try to get medication sooner rather than later, as I struggled for ages after the birth of my second.

Good luck anyway, and let me know if you want to talk further. Sorry I don't have much proper advice, but you're not alone. I hope some experienced multiples parents come along soon with reassuring words!

babyem.co.uk/source-a-trainee-maternity-nurse-for-free/

In case of interest, this has been recommended to me by a friend. Cheap or free apparently for families of multiples.

@Reiltin I’m so sorry you had a bad day. FWIW I think twin pregnancy is so so tough and the last couple of months of my twin pregnancy were incredibly physically uncomfortable and also mentally daunting because one has no idea what to expect! In a way it’s easier once they are born as you don’t have the fear of the unknown and you can sleep again!

My twins are 5 months old now and I have a five year old and a just three year old so also went from 2-4. Without sugarsoaping things- I have found the first weeks/months really challenging - I feel as though I am coming out the other side now and really enjoying it. The twins are adorable and funny, the best sleepers of all my babies and everyone talks to you when you have twins so I am rarely lonely. On the flip side it is exhausting feeding two in the early days, logistics are so tricky (even just going to the corner shop is a major event with three under three) and my middle child has really struggled being displaced by two younger siblings, I often wish there were two of me.

I hear you on the help front, I too really struggled with this. In the first few days however DT1 was readmitted to hospital with jaundice so my mum came to stay to help out with the bigger DC. It was a complete lifesaver. She’s come back a few times when DH has been working away and I couldn’t have done it by myself. Don’t know if you are similarly blessed but if you have any willing family you could bear to have stay don’t write them off! You may be more grateful of their help than you think and more tolerant than you would expect yourself to be. My mum normally drives me a bit crackers after a day or two but I have needed her more than anytime since being a little girl.

Practically, everyone is different but the things I think that would have/have helped me the most would have been/are a cleaner, organising someone to do school/nursery pick ups and drop offs, getting help with laundry (we send it for a service wash when the mountain is too high) and lots of cook/Charlie Bingham ready meals.
I’ve tried having a part time nanny but it hasn’t worked for me (I want to be with the children myself and also don’t really like people in my space) but the things above have really helped me to find things easier. If I had loads of money my dream would be a housekeeper who came every morning and did all cleaning, tidying, laundry and prepped simple meals but it’s out of reach for now!

I hope this hasn’t put you off too much and also isn’t irrelevant, I’m not sure how old your children are? But please know that having twins really does mean double the love and I wouldn’t change things for the world. It’s very special and magical having them and when they cuddle each other or hold hands while feeding it’s unbelievably cute. I hope you can talk to your doctor or midwife about your mood if you are worried about PND. Tamba are also good.

Above all congratulations to you and to you too @Rosti1981 ! It’s such a fun club to be in.

Thanks for all your kind words. We’re in a really lucky position - I think my parents are planning to help pretty much every day! We have a cleaner and have some cash for a doula or other helper. My wife is going to change her working hours slightly so she’ll do the morning drop-off. My oldest is starting school in September and my younger will stay in pre-school.

On my better days, I know it’ll be fine. On my worst, I worry about being safe driving after a night of no sleep. (I’ll be bfing) But I just keepsaying that it’s all short term. It’ll be grand. Repeat as nauseum 🤣

Yay! Parents are the best kind of help I think, and if your wife can do drop-off that will really help. I don’t know if you plan to tandem feed but I found a twin feeding cushion helpful for the early days as it can be tricky to get them both latched on. I just use a big pillow under one elbow now though. Best of luck. It’s such a joy and weirdly the sleep thing isn’t too bad, they seem to calm each other down and sleep for longer stretches than my singletons did. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

Huge congratulations to you and Ms Reiltin.

With my dtds, we just went for a more or less permanent snuggle, with both immediate and extended family pouring in large amounts of sandwiches and tea. We gave up locking the door, they just came in and out for the first three months.

I won't lie and say my twins were a piece of cake, they weren't, but it sounds like you have good support in place and that's a great start. After my twins I fell pregnant with my 4th and while not completely unplanned it came far sooner than I expected, I worried I would struggle to bond and would have PND but it was all fine, she just adapted into our crazy lives fine. The twins took some getting used to but it was also going from 1 to 3. The hardest part of twins for me was the logistics, but just accept the help you have been offered and take each day as it comes. You have got this! Plus twins are adorable, it is so cute when they are laying together or starting to interact, all your worries will wash away (and be replaced by new ones 😂) but once they are here you won't remember life without them. Wishing you loads of luck though, twin pregnancy is hard, so take care of yourself!

Our surprise third baby was twins and I remember how panicky I felt.
DD was nearly 3 and DS had just started secondary so they both needed a lot of me and DH.
We also had (rubbish) builders extending our house upwards, backwards and sideways.
I won’t lie, we were on our knees with exhaustion at times. We had no family help but lovely friends who saw us through.
The early weeks are unbelievably tough. Swallow any pride and beg/borrow help.

Secretly though, DTs are so much easier than singletons when they get to the age of needing entertaining.
They play with each other so well from such a young age you’ll be amazed.
It’s also unbelievably cute.

Mine are 4 now. Trust me, you’ll be so glad you did this.

I remember feelings like you describe this time last year. Much longed for 2nd baby, as soon as I found out it was twins that was it-I no longer wanted to be pregnant and I can honestly say I resented carrying them. Everyone around me was concerned for my mental health and I was dreading their arrival. I just wish I had known how different it would be to all my horrendous expectations! My girls are 10 months and it has been so much easier than having my first. Didn't have much help and this was actually a positive as it meant they had to quickly get used to being put down so none of the clingy, only sleep in your arms thing (breastfed them one at a time) and they get used to having to wait/taking turns. You already know what you're doing so there's no steep learning curve but you develop an amazing capacity for multi tasking. You get loads of attention everywhere you go which can be pretty nice for your self esteem if you're having a bad day. My advice would be to see if there are any twin groups local to you before they arrive-it's been so good to meet others at different stages to compare notes with, and for moral support. I hope you start to feel better (you have my sympathy-tricky 4 year olds don't help!)

You'll be eligible for a volunteer from Homestart - they can come to give you a hand for a few hours a week too

Just echoing what everyone else has said really; it's incredibly hard in the first few months but when they start playing together and interacting it's absolutely wonderful. My two are 15 months and their big brother is 5 so we had a few problems with him feeling ousted but now they all play together and have private jokes which I'm very much not part of Accept any and all help offered, bask in the admiration of other parents who don't know how you do it (twin parents have superpowers of course) and brace yourself for years of random strangers asking stupid and/or overly personal questions And join tamba, it's worth it for the Clarke's discount alone!

Thanks, everyone. I’m in Ireland so I don’t think I’ll be able to avail of any free help. I’ve already joined IMBA - and made the money back and then some, between buggy discount and various Clark’s shoes! Also, I’ve gotten a fancy new nappy bag so it’s not all bad news 🤣 And, tbh, when I’m out with my 2 kids, i don’t typically feel like I have no spare capacity - they’re pretty good kids and neither is a runner! So I’m ending today on a positive note 😊