Survival advice

[madeuplovesong44]

I have a 6 year old, a nearly 2 year old and 4 month identital twin girls. I am extremely lucky and love them so much but my god I am struggling. The girls are breastfed and are completely refusing to entertain a bottle. I feel we have no routine and despite not stopping from 6am when my two year old wakes up till 8.30 when my son goes to bed everything is on top of me. The house is filthy and the ironing pile has it's own post code.

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions/practical solutions that may make my days easier. My husband and parents work full time Mon-Fri 9-5 sort of hours. My mother in law is absolutely wonderful but even with her help I'm exhausted and floundering.

I'm interested to see the replies here! Was about to post something like this myself

My twins are almost 5 weeks old and my DH will be going back to work on Monday. I'm dreading it because I have a 19 month old as well and I don't know how I'll manage the 3.

DTs are breastfed on demand and so we've no great routine. My toddler has quite a good routine but what on earth do you do in the mornings if the toddler is looking for breakfast and the twins want to be fed as well?

I never did routines or schedules with DS when he was a baby but I wonder how that approach will work with these babies.

Would love to hear from people who made the breastfeeding/twins/toddler scenario work!

I have twin boys but no other children - I can only imagine how hard it must be with baby twins and toddlers. Have you heard of the charity Homestart? They send volunteers to your house for a few hours a week to help with pretty much anything - baby stuff, household jobs or entertaining the older children. We don't have it where I live unfortunately but I know of twin families elsewhere in the country that have been supported by Homestart. You can self refer to them I think - try googling Homestart

I was going to recommend Homestart. If you do to want to self refer ask your Health visitor and she will make contact. It's a great service.
Can you afford a cleaner to come in once a fortnight or pay somebody to do the ironing? Or have a company come in and give the house a really good clean including cooker, fridge, microwave etc.
I used the Gina Ford and Alice Beer book of twins to help me get a routine, it was my way of survival! The other thing I was very strict on was making sure my DT had their afternoon nap. I refused to go out when it was nap time as I knew how awful early evening was with 2 tired babies!
Do you have help getting your child to school and collecting them?
You are doing a brilliant job and try not
To be too hard on yourself

Thank you very much or your replies.

TheEagle, congratulations on your twins. It is certainly tough when both babies are hungry and my toddler unexpectedly needs something. I try to have her engrossed in sticker book/ playdoh etc before I start although she often ends up with a handful of dolly mixtures to keep her quiet!! I too never did routines with my other two, just let them take the lead but it is proving impossible this time.

Thanks Tftpoo and Doublethecuddles, I will look into Homestart. My HV is very empathetic but is yet to do anything practical. She has never come across anyone bf twins so has no advice there.

It seems whoever feeds second fusses like crazy so I'm not sure my supply is meeting their demand. As they won't take formula and i have no time to try and express I don't know what to do. Often by 6 they are both hysterical.

Money is tight while I am on maternity so cleaner etc not really an option. I do all 5 school pick ups but only 2 mornings.

I know it won't be like this forever but I am so tired I just feel like I can't keep this going.

I think you're doing a great job madeup, I couldn't imagine getting a school run done as well.

Do you tandem feed the babies at all? I find that they feed better and settle better if they tandem feed - I think with both of them going for it there is more milk flowing.

Would you talk to a BF counsellor about feeding? Or someone from LLL? I found the LLL book "mothering multiples" to be amazing for advice and for boosting my confidence to feed.

It's so hard when we are so tired - I look back to DS1's newborn days and I think "dear God what was I complaining about?!" I take courage in the fact that DS1 was a truly atrocious sleeper until about 13 months. So this phase will pass.

and for you.

Hi just joined up to specifically add to this post as this is how I felt about 7/8 months ago!

I have a 7 year old (I realise that this is a lot different to a toddler ) and 9 month old identical twin girls who are breastfed on demand.

It was so hard in the first few weeks that I actually cried to my mum on the phone that I wanted them to go back to NICU as they clearly could cope with them better than me!

The thing that changed everything for me was learning how to tandem feed them. I had the special cushions and everything but whatever I tried I couldn't figure it out where I felt that they were both securely latched on and couldn't roll off. Then one day at my wit's end I folded up a double duvet twice into a long sausage and sat in the corner of our settee with it wrapped around me and two cushions over my lap to prop up the ends so the babies were level with my nipples and I never looked back. The duvet was squashy enough to keep them in position and I had hands free for other stuff to occupy my older DD. Obviously the HV wasn't impressed as there is a health and safety issue with the duvet but I was always awake and made sure there was no way for them to slip down the between me and the duvet. But you do whatever works for you and they are both healthy, bouncy, happy girls who are still bf now.

But once the tandem feeding was in place then it freed up so much time in the day so I used to try to prioritise spending time with older DD whilst twins slept over doing housework etc. so I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving her with an activity for a bit whilst I tended to the DTDs! Also we watched a lot of TV Frozen and drawings/games/puzzles/iPad and camped out in the living room when DP was at work. Which I started to feel guilty about but it doesn't last forever and my normally very active DD actually loved the down time for a few weeks. Also we tried to make sure that whenever DP was home then he would take DD somewhere so she didn't get cabin fever!

One last thing that I figured out was that even with demand feeding if I knew I had to go out and they would want a feed during that time then I'd offer it earlier and that usually pacified them enough to wait until we got home.

Sorry for the essay but I just wanted to say it does get easier! HTH.

Don't iron anything

Do your twins have the same feeding and sleeping pattern? If not try and get them on the same routine and definately at night if I feed one I always woke and fed the other. I never mastered tandem feeding!
I managed to get mine to take bottle of formula at about 6.00 pm. This was my life saver as I had no milk left, they both then slept for 4 1/2 hours and gave us a chance to eat a meal and me to rest. I used to go to bed about 9.00! It was also a fast feed as I had help.
Could you ask your parents to come round at the weekend and help clean the house and prepare some freezer meals? Give you a chance to have a bath and catch up on some sleep.
This stage doesn't last for ever.

shineyshoes and wineandcake thanks for those replies! Loads to think about and take inspiration from.

Nights definitely work better here when babies tandem feed so I'm working on that for now.

I'm so torn about the idea of a formula bottle at the beginning of the night - I don't know if that would settle them for longer or not. As it is now they usually do a 3/3.5 hr stint around 7ish-10ish and that works ok with me cause I just go to bed super early! I'm afraid a bottle will mess with my supply/aggravate their tummies (both are a little refluxy and windy)

for you shineyshoes for BFing triplets! Stories like that give me such faith in BFing multiples

Haven't got time to reply properly now, am juggling babies! but thank you so much for all your advice. Loads to think about.

You are doing a great job! Twins are hard enough, and older children to manage as well make it really tough.

Mine were 5 and 3 when my twins were born, and my DH works away part of the week so for 3 a week days I'm totally on my own. I also breastfed mine, exclusively for 4 months, then mixed.

Have a think about what you find hardest, and see if you can tackle that. (I didn't have much help, but knew school runs would finish me off, so I got help for that until about 5 months. I also think running to and from school every day is not going to help with milk supply, so you might want to tackle that).

Here are some ideas, some of these we managed, others we didn't:

Reduce your school runs - ask another parent if they could take/drop your child even once a week. Or advertise on gumtree for a student to do school pickup, it would be fairly cheap. By not doing school run you save some energy and time that you can be doing something more important!

Your parents work full time, but could they bring you a batch of food at the weekend, or come and clean once a fortnight?

As pp said, don't iron anything. And no need to be obsessive about cleaning either!

Do you have a local twin group? Mine is amazing for providing practical support - mums of older twins will often help out a mum with twin babies.

Tandem feed if at all possible. It saves time and keeps the babies in synch. Do you have a twin bf cushion? They are lifesavers, I couldn't have done it without mine. Again, my local twin group loans them out so you don't have to buy one if you are short for cash.

Routines - up until 4 months I didn't have a set routine but just operated on 3 hourly feeds. 4 months is a reasonable time to introduce a routine I think but don't worry about it too much. And if your babies don't suit Gina, ignore her! She doesn't let them sleep long enough, IME.

Bottles - this is a hard one. My older two were bottle refusers and it made me feel really tied and stressed, so I was determined to get my twins drinking from a bottle. At the same time, washing and sterilising expressing stuff and bottles while also breastfeeding nearly finished me off!

This is what I did. I'd express a bit after each feed and freeze the milk until I had enough for a couple of feeds. (tip from HV - you can put the expressing equip in a freezer bag and keep it in the fridge between feeds, then only wash/sterilise it once per day). Then when my DH was around I'd get him to give the babies a bottle. If they took it, I would then express that feed and store for next day. If they refused, I'd feed them directly. Once they got used to taking the bottle I'd express about 30 mins before feed was due, let DH give the bottle and I'd go to bed.

Sorry for the long post. It does get easier, and as difficult as it is with 4, I can already see how much my kids love being part of a big family.

Thank you so much for everyone's helpful replies. I can only access on my phone so I'm sorry that I can't respond in as much detail as I would like. I really do appreciate all the suggestions.

I bought a twin bf cushion thingy but have not cracked the tandem feeding at all. Everytime I have tried I just can't get them positioned right and neither end up feeding properly. I'm sure a lot of my stress would be improved with some sort of routine but I just have no idea. They don't seem settled between feeds, they won't sleep for longer than 20 mins unless being pushed and they are often totally out of synch with each other. By 6 o'clock they are hysterical. The hv says she knows nothing about feeding twins and as they are gaining she is not worried. It seems to be getting harder not easier though and I just feel like I am letting them down. When they are both screaming and someone asks me what is the matter, are they hungry etc I feel like I have no idea.

I have a double pushchair and a good sling so can get about pretty easily. I actually enjoy the school run most days as it breaks up the day.

My cleaning standards are minimal as my husband would agree but the constant mess is really getting to me. I just feel like I can never get anything done.

I do feel like I am drowning a bit at the moment and have had some pretty dark thoughts. I just can't help feeling I am just not good enough and that my children deserve more than just nearly surviving.

Ok first things first, have you seen the gp/hv about post-natal depression? That last paragraph struck a chord with me, that's how I felt with dd1, anti depressants just lifted my mood and made things easier.
Secondly, don't worry too much qbout tandem feeding - I never managed until dts were about 14 months and capable of helping themselves. They're 18 months now, never taken a bottle, still bf and thriving. They have always had a boob each - dts has the left, dtd the right. They've never fed from the other side, which made life a lot easier for me, rather than remembering who had what side last, etc. A midwife in the hospital suggested it, and it's worked well for us.

Don't worry about the housework. Drop everything non essential. make sure the hoover comes out every few days, the bathroom gets a clean round, the washing is done and the kitchen is kept on top of. Once the kids are fed, that's all that's essential, the rest can be done as and when.
When I emptied the tumble dryer, I threw everything into crates - one for each person, except dts, who share one. Crates are taken upstairs at the end of the day, and emptied while reading stories etc, then folded and brought back down for the next day.
Can you give your parents and Mil a couple of specific jobs to do? Ie, Mil cleans the bathroom, and mops the kitchen floor, dm hoovers throughout and dd does the essential ironing? That way, you know that these jobs will get done, and it's something less for you to worry about.

If it's any consolation at all, the first 6 months with my dts were absolute hell. After that it got easier, they started on solids, which gave them a bit of a routine, which meant they slept a little more, which meant they were happier etc etc. Speak to the hv re homestart, and ask her if there's anything else available in your area to help - there may well be grants available to pay for a mornings childcare for the 2 year old for instance.

Good luck, I know it doesn't feel like it, but one day you'll look back on just now and be proud you got through it.

If they aren't settled between feeds they could have silent reflux? Unfortunately any doc/HV will ask you to try Gaviscon first, which is impossible when bf'ing and they refuse bottles. Ranitidine worked for us. Just a thought.

Also how long does each feed for? If it takes a while and they are feeding separately, no wonder they are out of synch.

I'm not usually a one-size-fits-all type of person, but I really think tandem feeding is necessary to stay sane when you have other kids. I invested a lot of time in it, it wasn't easy, but I'm so glad I did.

I didn't mention it as I'm scared people may judge me (my internal stigma rather than anything ive ever actually experienced here) but I have bipolar disorder. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but they are doing very little to help at the moment. I do feel like things are slipping out of control a bit. I hoped if I could improve things practically then maybe I can avoid intervention from the mental health team which ultimately would be a hospital admission.

I saw the tongue tie consultant today, he said although both girls do have a significant tongue tie he isn't going to snip it as they are gaining weight and feeding doesnt hurt. He did say that the tongue tie could cause the girls to be windy as they tend to swallow air. This would make sense and explain the screaming and general unsettled times. As he won't snip them though I'm no further forward.

This weekend I'm going to try tandem feeding whilst my husband can help. I'm going to list daily/weekly jobs and see if I can plan a sensible routine for who and when. And I'm going to ring the hv on Mon and see if she can help.

I love my children so much and just want to do what's best for all of us. I desperately don't want to become unwell but I can't sustain this level of stress.