Comparing my twins

[AardvarkTwo]

Hi

I have six month old twin boys. They are very different in every way and I am finding it hard not to compare DT1 with DT2 in a negative way.

He cries A LOT and is a really bad eater which means he is very skinny and is now nearly off the bottom of the graphs.

I just can't tell if there is something wrong with him or if I am just comparing unfavourably with DT2 who is mostly cheery and happy and eats well and is just generally more content.

When I have spoken to the HV she just thinks I am comparing them and DT1 is fine, but I really feel that he is miserable and I don't have time to try and help him (got an older DD too). I also feel bad that I just get cross with him when he cries.

I was wondering if anyone else had this and will it change with time - I am now worrying also about labelling him the 'difficult' one. How do you stop comparing them and just treat them as two different people?

I find health proffesions assume I am comaping dts too when I have a concern about one of them, I have found to get the best response, is to just take the dt you have the concern with, and not mention the othe dt, for example dont say 'dt1 can do this, but dt2 cant.

It is difficult not to compare when you have two children who are at the same age and you would expect to be doing similar things.

Your post reminds me a LOT of me with my dts at the same age. My dt2 was really miserable as a baby, was very sicky, cried a lot, never smiled very much at all. Looking back I think he may have had reflux. There was a stage where I really didn't like him very much at all. By contrast dt1 gurgled and smiled at me all the time, was very cuddly and didn't cry very much, so it emphasised how miserable dt2 was.

However, mine are now 18 months and have both changed so much. dt2 is now a very loveable, cheeky and naughty little boy who loves to play and get into trouble! dt1 is slightly mroe serious and quieter, and doesn;t like sharing much, but is more affectionate than his twin and seems brighter - he is talking very well now. I lvoe them both equally and respect taht they are very different children. I think dt2 was jsut one of those babies who doesn't like being a baby! He is very active, won't sit still for a minute and so was far happier once he could get about under his own steam.

I think you need to relax and not worry too much, it is hard but I am sure as they get older and develop their personalities more, you will have no problems.

Thank you that is all very reassuring!

When I think about it rationally I can see it will change, but often it feels like he will always be grumpy. It is good to hear that by 18 months it is different Kelly (only a year to go!)

It is weird how you love them exactly the same but like them so differently.

Hi AardvarkTwo

I'm in a similar situation - have 6 month ID girls who are at different stages of development with over a kilo in weight between them. It's hard not to constantly compare when you have two babies - I feel as though they should develop at the same rate. You would never expect this of two singletons so it's madness really!

I also struggle to give them equal attention - it's only natural to want to feed a baby that is excited about food and get frustrated with the one that doesn't.

I try to look for the lovely little individual things that make me happy about each of them and focus on that. We also took them to a cranial osteopath - might just be a co-incidence but their crying improved overnight and they suddenly became happier babies.

Don't get too strung out over this - you have done an amazing job to get this far!! Sure things will improve as they develop into proper little people

Unfortunately I can't comment on comparisons at 6months as mine seemed to do things within a similar timeframe to each other.

I am finding that we make comparisons now (5 1/5yrs) such as DTD2 is better at reading & spelling. I counter that by finding something DTD2 is better at - riding bike/skipping. That may be difficult at 6months unfortunately.

But as others said - they are two individuals & as long as they both develop within the normal timeframe (which is often quick broad) I wouldn't worry too much. Also agree with the idea of not telling HVs that DT2 can do something that DT1 can't.

Have been there done that. I have twin girls almost two. One was plump, beautiful, happy and came home 5 weeks before her sister. T2 was the smaller, hairier, noiser one. All i wanted was to spend my time with my happy one not go to the hospital every 3 hours to BF then home to BF the other. How times have changed. They are still so different. One has black hair and is olive complextion the other is white blond with peaches and cream skin. One is quiet the other is now just outgoing. I have jokes with them and ask them which is going to be my favouite today in which they both cry me me me. The three of us are a team, when one of us is having an off day me and the other child will love the other until its over. Trust me before long the negatives will become positives. One is never better than the other just different.

Crying, bad eater, getting really skinny - I would be pushing for allergy tests, testing for coeliac etc. Can you take the twin with the problem - being really skinny could be a medical problem - to the GP.