Am beating myself up over twin not wanting to go to school.

[Quadrofiendia]

I have twin girls, aged 6 (yr 2). From the beginning i decided to keep them together at school, mainly because at preschool they were aware of eachother and played with eachother but not exclusively. I felt school would be a big change for them and decided they would be best together. Until now i have been fairly happy with this decision, as have their teachers, they have lots of friends and sometimes play together sometimes don't. However it has become evident that whilst one twin is outgoing and confident, the other is becoming more withdrawn and is definately more sensitive. Today my outgoing twin is at home with an upset stomach, my more reserved twin was absolutely devestated at having to stay for packed lunch on her own, and I mean hysterical. I am certain it was genuine, and whilst I know the likelihood is that she will have other children to play with, I think she feels insecure without her twin as back up. I have four very close in age, close friends children and feel that perhaps my encouraging that is to her detrement and making her more withdrawn. I feel really upset this morning I hate to think of her at school missing both her twin and myself. I have to admit i feel that had they been seperated from the beginning this would not be happening and i feel crap that my decison has potentially caused this upset. Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? TIA

there is no right or wrong way to deal with twins - they are all different. So you did not make the wrong decision - you just have to find a way to deal with what you have now.

Can you get her to talk about what is worrying her about school - and why having her twin there makes it ok. Maybe she is struggling with something you are unaware of.

Thanks throckenholt I did speak to her this am, and ahe said she was worried noone would talk to her at lunch and that she would have noone to play with, she asked me if it would rain as she felt wet lunch would be okay. I think she has self esteem issues in that she is scared of rejection and hates asking others to play in case they say no, she is very well liked but her twin is more popular as she is more outgoing and i'm wondering if she's picked up on this

Don't beat yourself up about it, this could still have happened even if they were in separate classes. My twin girls are 5 and in Yr 1 and they are separated but still spend lunch times and playtimes together. Like yours one is outgoing and one is more reserved and relies on her sister a lot for support. The situation hasn't arisen yet but I suspect she may behave like yours if her sister was off sick. It's so difficult isn't it, finding the right balance for twins.

It really is hard sandyballs, it has really made me feel emotional today and quite reflective. Like you say if lunchtimes the issue then maybe seperation wouldn't have worked, but i wonder if she was on her own in class if she would have gained more confidence. Its reassuring to know that other twins are like this and it isn't something I've done wrong!! Not sure whats the matter with me today!

so I guess you have to try and build her self-esteem - maybe try playdates with the twins split up - say one goes to a friend and the other has a different friend to yours.

Try and highlight things the shy one is good at - let her shine without the other taking the attention (I struggle with this - DS1 is 18 months older than his brothers and always wants to do things for them or "help" them - I am always trying to tell him to let them do it for themselves).

I like the play date idea, i have some good friends who may be willing to try this with me! Its really hard the self steem thing, i couldn't praise my children more, mainly because they are lovely kids, but i guess as One of four, and probably the best behaved she probably does exist in the background a bit sometimes. I reda with them individually every night, and spend homework time on a one on one, but sometimes feel i don't have enough time just to sit and cuddle which i think she craves more than anything.

It must be hard to give individual time with 4 of them, I find it hard with just 2. Good idea of Throckenholt's - my two have just started having separate playdates and I think it has helped my reserved twin to be a bit more confident although there is usually a stressful run-up to the occasion with a few doubts and tears about whether she wants to go without her sister. When she is actually there she's fine. Her sister tends to monopolise social situations because she is much louder and chattier so it's good for the other one to shine a bit on her own. Try it if you can and see how yours get on.