Struggling

[Georgia82]

Hello

I've never posted on this section of talk before.

I'm just really struggling at the moment.

I have 8 mth old twins and a dsd who lives with us. I'm planning to go back to work soon and just recently have really been finding the simplest of things difficult. Consequently I stay in most of the time although do try and get out for walks to get fresh air etc.. But find I just can't run the house, look after the children properly and all. The state of the house frustrates me as it's just horrid. I see other twin mums on local networks meeting up, having parties etc.. And I struggle to even get out of the house! I feel a little pathetic and inadequate and not the person I was before the babies. I adore them, and hate the thought leaving them to go back to work, but feel I am short changing them as I don't take them out enough to interact, all the other mums are doing sensory stuff while we stay at home to play. Whenever I seem to have something organised one of my babies or the others always seem to be ill.

I know, I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself but I've just had enough. What with no money, no nearby family support and constant grief from my DSDs mum I just don't know where to turn. My dh is great but works hard and is under a lot of stress both in and out of work. I'm just tired, run down, feel and look horrid. Not sure where to turn and just want to cry. I don't know who I am anymore, just don't feel good enough.

Hi Georgia,

I didn't want to read and run but can't do a lengthy post as my girls will want a nap v soon. Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum who cares very much about her children. I've got twins and it is really hard at times, even those who seem to be on top of things all the time probably have their own meltdowns at times. I've got 10 month old twins and find it hard to do a lot f activities with them and know what you mean about one being ill when you arrange something! I don't have family nearby either to help out and a husband who works long hours and the thought f returning to work is stressful (not sure how it will all work really) so I know where you're coming from but don't have any older children - must be even harder to juggle everyhthing and feel like you're doing the best by everyone. However, it sounds like you need to go easy on yourself, if you're not feeling ok it's so much harder to take care of children. I reckon at 8 months, the main thing babies want and need is their mum, not necessarily loads of activities - maybe you're comparing what you do now to what you did with your first child? Call twinline if you need someone to chat too - 08001380509, open 10am-1pm, 7-10pm. I'll be thinking of you, Fiona

Thank you so much twicethehugs

Twins are hard. I know it's not news to anyone who has twins, but its easy to forget that being a perfect mum is just not possible with twins. As much as those other mums seem to project that they are doing everything great, I bet behind closed doors they struggle with aspects of motherhood too.

I'm not sure what to advise, but a routine helps. And ignoring evryone else, especially dad's mum! and if you can get a night where you dh can give you a full night's sleep then that will really help. Sleep helps everything.

But remember you are their mum and they love you

Dad's mum even

Ffs dsd's

I felt just like you, very frustrated by everything, but most of all by the lack of close family nearby, just to drop in and have a cup of tea with, change of scene. Especially in the dark winter afternoons.

Playgroups were a lifesaver, if only just one a week, and I learnt from other twin mums who were a bit older that sometimes you take the poorly baby alone wrapped up warm, because it is sometimes only an hour you are getting of social interaction. I was lucky in one sense that I had an older toddler so to some extent I had already a very basic network, but no-one reliably to drop in on. But I knew that just meeting someone for a cup of tea was a lifesaver, from life with one baby earlier.

So if you can prioritize getting out, even if it is just once a week so that familiar faces become more familiar it will make such a difference. Other people's houses are often a mess, and they get frustrated too; just when you aren't in contact with anyone, you don't realise the extent that we all suffer the same problems, and put on our brave face out and about.

One friend of mine, said she only realised she was going crazy when she had repeatedly pulled her crawling daughter away from the cat food She just kept believing it was possible to operate a household with catfood and babies at the same level, and it was her fault for failing to train cat and baby to live together

Also, give yourself cheap treats at home, hot chocolate, watching films, spoil yourself occasionally, just keep reminding yourself what a great job you are doing and how proud you should be that you are managing at all.

Georgia82, after 8 months the sleepless nights really catch up. It is hard. My DTs are six now, it does get easier! Don't have much advice, other than to be easy on yourself. Everyone has different coping strategies, and for those other twins mums that might just be getting out of the house.

For me the biggest positive step was when DH and I started to have a lie in each on the weekends. To not be bone tired one day a week transformed my life .

sorry typo - poorly baby along...not alone.

Oh, and do you know about homestart? You could ask your health visitor for a referral

Hi Georgia, my twins are 14 months now and I know that desperate feeling! I did find it v hard to get out too when they were around yours age, it often just felt easier to stay in as they weren't napping at the same time and when I was out they both wanted me yo hold them and cried if I didn't so a hit of a nightmare really. Things are already easier! I can now take them out on my own without the constant fear of the screaming! Anyway, you sound like you're a lovely mum who's doing really well in a vvvvvv difficult situation! Twins are hard, I don't think Non twin mums could really understand how stressful and lonely it can feel. It will get better and pretty quickly, I promise! (Nit saying its easy now hut much better comparably!)

Just want to say thanks for all the positive messages, they have really helped and I'm trying to go a little easier on myself. Consequently the girls seem happier, so it's easier to get out and about, and therefore I'm not so stressed. I know it's not a permanent fix, but hearing that I'm not alone has helped.

Hi Georgia

I have only just seen this, and have you seen you feel a bit better which ia good. But I just wanted to echo what others have said: twins are really hard!!

I ahd two chidlren before and was quite sued to get out and about, always lived far from family but didn't miss them fro practical things, but boy did this change with the twins! In didn't help that we moved when they were quite young and the first winter I knew no one and spent every daya t home alone with them, I couldn't wait for my older dcs to get home from school!

I also felt really frustrated as the only activities available here i.e. swimming or baby massage were just not possible with two babies. Felt very restricted and hated that.

What really changed things round for me is putting them in nursery this year so I get some free hours. (even if it's just to get the shopping done, much easier without two toddlers around!)

So, I have no advice really, but hang in there, looking after twins is very hard, and you're doing an amazing job. Hope you keep feeling better