Do you ever sometimes feel like you can't do this anymore?

[Tinks30]

I really need someone to talk to.
I've got 9 month (7 months corrected) id twin girls. They are the most beautiful little things but my god they are hard work.
We had a great routine going of 3 naps a day, bed around 7/730 and up around 6:30/7 but just recently it's gone to pot. They seem more tired and cranky. They are trying to crawl and are getting frustrated at not being able to move. Meal times have become hellish because they are too tired to eat. I'm starting to scream at them because all they seem to do is cry and I'm just exhausted and at my wits end.
The other day I screamed at one of my twins so much that she didn't look at me for ages afterwards. It broke my heart.
My OH is a police officer so works long, unsociable hours and because of the olympics has hardly been home. They just seem so miserable that I've avoided going out with friends or to groups which I know isn't good for them or me.
I don't have any other twin mums that I can talk to. The one twin group that there is near me starts so flipping early that I can't get to it. The girls are supposed to be starting baby ballet tomoz which I'm now dreading.

This has been their routine for the last couple of days and they have been horrid
6:30/7 wake up
7:30 breakfast
8 playtime whilst I start getting the twins washed and dressed (a lot if tears here)
9 bottle (6oz)
9:15 - 10:20 nap *the other day they were still both so tired and cranky I had to put them back down for a nap after an hour of being up
12/1230 lunch
1:30 bottle (5oz)
Nap pretty much straight after their bottle
2:30/3 wake up
3:30 snack. Yoghurt or fruit
4:30 dinner (yesterday I gave them their dinner at 4 as they didn't have a snack and they were already tired and screaming in their high chairs)
5:00 took them for a long walk to get me and the girls out of the house and to see if they would have a cat nap
7 bed. (I think this bed time might be too late)

Please, please I'm open to suggestions. I'm getting really desperate and I'm pretty much on my knees now. I called tamba in tears and the lady who answered was lovely but didn't really help. I did have a lady from home start helping me but I've not heard from her in weeks.
I'm starting to feel like such a failure as a mum. It's like I'm back to square one and haven't got a clue what I'm doing. This morning I actually considered walking away from it all because I feel so helpless.
I'm also scared I might hurt them.

You poor thing. Can you make an urgent appointment to see your GP in the morning? If you are worried you might hurt them, then things have gone too far and you need help. That said, I know exactly where you are coming from and you are neither weak nor a bad mum for hitting your limit. When you have babies screaming all day long, no matter what you do, it does bring you to a very low level.

Please also speak to your OH about it and make sure he knows you feel this bad. He may be able to get some compassionate leave from work so you have an extra pair of hands. Do you have family or any friends nearby that you can call on? I know it's very, very hard to admit you need help (I struggle with this myself) but you need a break at the moment.

In terms of practical support, I think they get harder to deal with when they are trying to crack something developmentally, and sometimes sleep goes to pot and sometimes they cry more. If they're trying to crawl then this could be a big part of it. The good news is that when they can crawl you may find them slightly less demanding in many ways.

Their bedtime is just the same as I have always used with mine, but I wonder if they could do with having naps slightly adjusted. I would try putting them down for their morning nap around 8.30-9 for 45-60 mins and then bring everything else forward accordingly, so they would go down for their lunchtime sleep more like 12.30.

Also I'm not sure whether you give them milk when they first wake (it reads as though breakfast is the first food offered) but I still give mine milk upon waking (18 months old) and maybe hunger/thirst is getting them off to a bad start in terms of mood.

I would say lunch is late at the moment, and would stick to 11.30 for a while, look at them for cues of whether they even need it a bit earlier. Otherwise snacks and meals look fine.

How much/what type of food are you giving them? Do you think there's any chance they are still hungry and that's what is making them cranky? Are they getting plenty of protein?

Also, how much milk do they drink over the course of the day? At 9 months/7 months I was giving mine 3 x 210mls (7oz) per day - timed around 7am, 2.30pm and 6pm.

I don't know if you are opposed to the idea of Gina Ford but her routines were so, so helpful to me. It doesn't mean you have to be strict about every detail (though some people read it that way), you can just follow the basic principles and tweak to suit your babies. I found it so useful to have a structure I could work around and use to support me, otherwise I think I'd have been floundering around not sure which way was up.

Do try and get yourself out of the house with them at least once a day if you can. I always found 3.15-3.30pm the best sort of time to try this, on the assumption that they'd sleep til 2.30 and then need some milk and a nappy change. If you can encourage your friends to meet for coffee at 3.30 somewhere near you this should be do-able, and you really need to have a break from your four walls.

But as I said, first step please is to speak to your OH and then your GP, and tell him/her you are finding it difficult.

Good luck and please go easy on yourself, it's a very hard job and you are doing so well xx

Hi Tinks, just read your post and although I'm not sure I can help, didn't want to leave without saying anything.

I am 7 weeks in with b/g twins so you are more of an expert than me... all I know is some days it's one step forward and fifteen back! I can totally sympathise with the immense frustration... When they are both screaming to be fed it sends me into a bit of a panic and you feel like you can't cope... but it passes. This is a phase for you and it will pass.

You know yourself that people struggle with one baby let alone two so don't beat yourself up..

Do you have family or friends that can help, even if it's just for company and moral support? Is your hubby helping out when he can?

Looks to me like you've got a great routine in place and you're doing all you can.. keep getting out for walks, wear them out! Persist in trying to get the lady from home start to help you again maybe ?

Hope you're OK ... here to chat if you need to xxx

Hi All,

Thank you for your lovely replies. I'm much calmer.
Cerubina. They have food first so I could try the milk first for a couple of days.
Milk volumes; they have 6 oz(180mls) at around 9. Then 5oz (150mls) around 1:30 then 7oz (210mls) around 6:30/700. But I thinking of bringing their evening milk forward to 6pm.

I'd bring the morning nap forwards. I found that my twins got tired very quickly after waking and breakfast.

From memory, this was our routine at a similar age

6.30 wake, milk
7.30 breakfast, dressed
8.30-9.30 nap then go out, groups, shopping etc
11.30 home, lunch, nap
2.30 wake, school run
4 short half hour nap
5 dinner
6.30-7 mails and bed

Hi Tinks.
Oh yes, absolutely, been there got to screaming point, know exactly what you mean.
I found the time just after starting solid food pretty tough, as did other twin mums I know. It's very hard if one or both are crying at meal times. It does gradually get better and as long as they are well, meals eventually become happier.
That thing about being frustrated they can't move rings big bells too. Sometimes it feels as though you are just getting through the days.
As for your routine, I would not stress too much about changing it, but I do always give mine a bit of milk first thing before breakfast. They are grumpy without it.
You might then want to delay the mid-morning bottle til after their nap though - moving to post nap feeds across they day eventually.
I could drive myself a bit bonkers thinking through routines and how to change them to make the babies happier though, and on reflection I honestly think if they are going to have grumpy days they are going to be grumpy no matter what!

Another one here to say bloody hell this is the hardest thing I've ever done, you are so not alone in finding it tough!

First up I totally agree with Cerubina - if it has got to that level where you are concerned for their wellbeing as well as your own then it's time to get some help. That does not make you a bad person or a failure - it makes you the opposite, someone who cares deeply for their children and recognises their own limitations.

Secondly my two are 10 weeks prem also and to be honest, it is a really scarring experience. If your run-in to this whole parenting lark was anything like mine I know a little of what you're feeling. Don't compare yourself to people with single babies, term babies, or anything else, it is a wholly different ball game and you just need to get through it as best you can. Everything is harder - breast feeding was harder, bottle feeding, sleeping, reflux, and weaning certainly was - they wouldn't sit, they couldn't eat certain stuff, they were trying to do stuff that developmentally they weren't ready for, and it is just really tough and really shit sometimes.

For me, I set myself limits on how upset I'd allow myself to get with the twins. I would put then in a cot or a playpen and go out of the room if I felt I needed to scream, swear or cry. For some reason I have been able to mostly keep this rule in place when I've failed to never lose it with my husband! I think it's because it is actually EASIER to parent if they think you are happy, and we can still fool them at this age. So yes I've been singing stupid songs whilst covered in vomit during a mealtime meltdown, because if it snaps them out of it and means we can move onto the next thing quicker, then that's how I approach it. And once they're in bed if I need to have a little snivel to myself then I can.

Do NOT beat yourself up about screaming at your DD the other day though. My DS had a post-apocalyptic meltdown in the bath the other day because the bubbles were daring to burst. The first day he knocked down a tower of stacking blocks he behaved like I'd just ruined his world. I don't think a few not-our-proudest-parenting-moments cause any real damage, just make it up with cuddles and hugs and a strategy to avoid it becoming a regular feature.

I've read your posts about your DH's work before and I know that must have really brought things to a head, but the Games are nearly over, and your babies will be so much furhter on when they finish than when they started - things are so going to get easier. Can you consider putting them in nursery for a half day or similar just to give you some time off?

And what Stinky said is right - no baby ever died from being upset. Sure as hell no twin ever did, because they do learn to wait their turn.

Practical things that might help:
Jumparoo or similar for them to work of excess energy that doesnt' require being held.

Playpen and/or travel cots scattered around the rooms you use most so you can put them down safely if you need to walk away for 2 minutes (for practical or emotional reasons!).

Things like those Organix dissolvable crisps - ours were VERY slow to get finger food, but once they did things like this made mealtimes easier because they could do something whilst I prepped or tended to the other one.

Oh and now is a good time of year to think about getting back to classes/groups or trying some new ones as the terms restart. A bad day out of the house is always better than a bad day in the house, because if all goes wrong you can always go home. And crying sounds much quieter outdoors.

Hi Tinks, I'm behind you (19 weeks) but I have that Wonder Weeks book and it reckons there's a fussy phase that peaks at about 35 weeks - could be that? My friend's twins are just over 7 months and they were really grumpy for a few weeks (one of them just whined constantly - it sounded like someone had left a hoover running in another room, god but I wish my two whined that quietly) but they and she are much cheerier now.

Tinks - I hope you're having a better morning and things are looking brighter. Please do get some help from your GP.

I don't want to repeat what others have said, but we had a tough time when ours were frustrated with learning to crawl.

I just wanted to ask what role your OH does in the police? Both me and my DH are police officers - has he got any flexibility to move roles for the next 6-12 months? Into something which might mean he can be around a bit more? Would his line manager be understanding about better (formal or informal) flexible working? My DH is in a review role at the moment with no (paid) overtime and starts work at 6am sometimes - which makes life easier for me knowing he will be home earlier. It is difficult though depending on what your day job is.

Certainly, in my force (MPS) there are some really unpopular jobs that need doing - and because they struggle to keep people in the role, sometimes you can sort your working hours to suit home life a bit. It all depends on your situation though. I think moves will open up very shortly after the Olympics.

Good luck.

Hope things are going a little better for you tinks i can so relate to where you are emotionally at the minute, im a way behind you as my id girls are only 9 weeks corrected to 3!! I have found it tough for most of this time but have had a couple of occasions where I've shouted at them because i can't work out what's wrong with them, and for the last few days t2 has been screaming for around 2-3 hours in the evening for no apparent reason!! Although i believe its trapped wind/ possibly reflux but I've thought on occasion what have i done and would they be better off with a different family :( i don't think it helps that everyone thinks twins are so special and a gift (which i know they are) but its so so much harder than i ever anticipated and I've had 2 singleton babies, i just wanted to send you a big virtual hug and say your by no means alone xx

Yes. Exhaustion makes me want to just send them away for a bit, and I miss my time with my toddler- she's 2 on Sunday.

I'm also behind you, mine are 22 weeks tomorrow, and I find it especially hard when my husband is being negative, and saying things like "it won't be much easier for years you know" .

I'm sure it will, there will be different challenges, but it gets me down. Plus one keeps screaming when fed (reflux baby) which I find very upsetting, one won't sleep at night, one won't be put down, I'm constantly feeling guilty as they aren't getting enough floor time/tummy time (neither can roll yet)., the more placid one is neglected while we fire fight with the toddler, his more demanding twin and the urgent house jobs (like laundry).

It's hard.

I second getting out anyway, asking OH and GP, contacting the home start lady again, plus SureStart offered me help, I'd ring them too. They offered similar to ewhat I think homestart can do- helping you get out with the babies, or helping you with them at home.

Hope today was better for you tinks

Sorry I can't write a proper post but so you know - 8/9 months was my worst point - 4 weeks of hell that I came slowly out of. I felt as though it was a constant blur of food, milk and screaming. Agree with milk first thing and adjust food/milk times as you feel best - don't be afraid to change on the day according to need (yours and theirs). Try and mix up getting out and making people come to you - sometimes you need old ladies telling you how beautiful they are (bless old ladies) and sometimes you don't need the pressure. Any short-term help you can get is good - you may only need it for a few weeks - so its no admission of failure if you have an issue with that. I had a babysitter for an hour once a week which helped. You aren't alone xxx

Thank you all so much for your messages. I'm feeling a lot calmer and more together. The girls also seem a bit happier or maybe I'm just dealing with them better. I managed to get out to a twins club today and so many commented on how difficult this age was.
It was so nice speaking to people in the same situation. And it's been lovely seeing your messages of support.
I guess every time we get to a milestone it's going to be tough but hearing your stories definitely makes me feel stronger knowing it won't last forever.
And thank you for the post who said 'no baby ever died from crying'. That really rang a bell with me - so thank you

Just wanted to say I totally understand how hard it is. The first year is really hard, but it does yet easier as time goes on, and everything you put in now you will get payback for in years to come when your girls are playing together. You are going to be so proud of your girls and what you've achieved in the future.

Is there any chance you could get a friend or family (or local teenager) to come round at the worst time of day (it was 5-6 pm for me!) and give you a hand with baths or whatever.

Also have you heard about 'homestart'. They are volunteers who come round.

Hope you are feeling better 'Tinks' on days like that please reassure yourself we all have days like that so we are united in our despair though it can feel so isolating! Someone said there is a grumpy phase at 35 weeks? I'm at it now so hopefully will get better soon (actually I may be past it will need to check ages ). It's the constant grizzling isn't it? the velcro baby syndrome and the overtiredness and the teething and the frustration at everything and the things that made them happy yesterday make them scream blue murder today..

When this happens I chuck em in the pushchair and walk walk walk or chuck em in car and drive they sleep sometimes I go through a golden arches drivethrough yummy. The housework doesn't happen but to be honest it probably wouldn't anyway. Just try to keep calm. If it's just whining (you know what I mean) just walk away and have a cuppa for 5 mins if it's proper screaming do a bit of baby jig and chant..this two shall pass....

at the end of the day have a glass of and congratulate yourself on getting through it. Then come on mnet to find everyone in the same boat!

Oh dream don't feel bad about leaving the more placid twin. We all got in from a walk today dt1 (the 'grumpy' one) immediately cried to come out of pushchair. He was walked around house and giggled at daddy running his bath. The second he was put down he screamed to be picked up/entertained. It was only then I recalled dt2 still in his pushchair-looking at his hands and then beamed up at me as if to say ' I knew you'd come back so though I would just wait here'. He was happy and I'm just thankful that it's usually only the one I have to deal with!

What lovely posts "mines"... I am feeling a bit overwhelmed myself today and you brought a tear smile to my face

Thanks!!!

oh claire now you've brought a tear to my eye! Can we still blame hormones?

Absolutely!!!

I'm getting better at counting to 10 sometimes I get to 50! But it's getting better.
I'm also getting better at getting out with them and I'm making much more of an effort to see people which I just wasn't.

I feel your pain!!!

Mine are nearly 3 now and it does get easier - partly because you will start getting more sleep.

I found getting out and about to be a lifesaver - sometimes I could even have a cup of tea without interruption as they just gazed around / marauded around the new environment.

Glad to hear things are improving a bit.