Feeling Isolated with Twins

[MadCow007]

Hi All,

I was wondering whether any of you mum's ever feel a bit isolated with having twins? My id boys are now just over a year old and I STILL haven't really met any other mums in my area and I feel like a right old Billy No Mates. I found it really hard to adjust in the first year of being mum to two babies (all my family live abroad so was just me and hubby), and never really had the time to meet other mums as I didn't go to any groups or anything like that. Now that they are older (13 months) and I'm at a stage where I feel that I have the resources to be a little more socialable I find that it's a little hard to meet other mum's in a similiar position to me as most of them have already established friendships with mum's that they met during antenatal classes or in the early days of motherhood by joining groups.

I'm feeling really paranoid that there is something horribly wrong with me that I can't seem to make friends and I'm worried that it will have a negative impact on the twins as they might be lonely. I do go to a weekly playgroup with them which they seem to love - but also feel a little embarassed going to more as the boys are really into pulling hair right now, and they always make the other children cry (they're big, strong boys). Sigh.

Any ideas as to good ways to get out there and meet other people or any good places to go (that aren't too expensive/free) which might offer the twins a little more in terms of interaction with other children would be grately appreciated.

Best wishes x

Whereabouts do you live?

It can be really isolating being a twin mum if you avoid activities unless they're 'twin specific'. I've always been a bit gungho and gone to anything and everything I wanted to (except swimming) and made friends with lots of singleton mums as well - yes they might not really understand but they still have all the same issues with their babies. So I go to music classes, pilates, used to do baby massage etc - I take a bouncy chair for my spare but often the class leader will help out

If you specifically want to meet twin mums then have you got a local twin club, have you been to any TAMBA courses? I met a few twin mums that way. I also asked the health visiting team to put me in touch with any twin mums they come across. I also go up to people in the street with twin buggies and just swap numbers. I've met about 20 twin mums in total and we all email/Meet up every two weeks.

Also try posting on your local mumsnet board, you never know!

Hi MadCow - your not doing anything wrong.

I have yet to meet many rl Twin Mums - most of the advice and support I get from fellow Multiple parents has been online.

We go to alot of stay and play groups - but no specific Twin/ Multiple groups. I have found alot of groups very welcoming and made good friends from them - so keep trying different places I am sure you will find somewhere you really like.
FWIW I have always found the "Mum Run" groups quite cliquey and I prefer stay and play groups at schools and childrens centres.

Having twins is a great conversation starter and people always seem full of admiration - which is lovely when your feeling low, it makes you realise your doing a good job.

Try not to worry about the hair pulling thing - it's totaly normal at that age, my two are biters [cringe]

hi I run a twins coffee group in Reading you would be more than welcome I would even buy you a cuppa but not sure where you live
galaxy

I find it isolating more because finding a babysitter is impossible. People (family and close friends) have teamed up to care for my 3 (twins and an older dd) but on my return (2 hours later not a whole day) I'm always met with "goodness it's hard work" or "constant isn't it... I'm shattered) which means I don't feel I can ask anymore so dh and I never go out together.

I find 1st time mums are terrified and talk to me initially to ask usual twin questions but then run away and I've been told by one that she feels inferior as she struggles with 1 baby.

Our twin club isn't working but we're forming a committee to sort it out as it's clear the HVs haven't a clue about how to support a twin mum - galaxy I might pm you for tips!

I've found that by going to groups with mums who have single babies, you just have to be forthright about what you need. If dtds both need bottle at the same time I used to struggle by holding one and putting the other in a bouncer and contorting myself, now I just look and see who's baby is happy and ask the mum to feed one of my dtds. Most peole are really happy to help but you have to tell them. Also, if people offer help, I ALWAYS say yes and take it wherever I can.

Some church groups have volunteer helpers around too (without their own kids). Keep trying groups until one clicks. To be honest I only really have 2 good friends I've made since having dtds (one is also a twin mum and the other has an older dd the same age as mine plus a baby same age as dtds so is less daunted than 1st time mums).

Where are you? That way mums can see on here and if they're near I'm sure they would meet up (I certainly would if you're near me in Yeovil) xx

I definitely agree it is more isolating. Doing things out and about like feeding can be really easy with one and very stressful with two. I know cus I have an older singleton. Then on top of that you are in a different boat to the other mothers so that shared experience thing is not as straight forward, plus when you are out and about you have two children drawing your attention away from making conversation/ mates. The good news is you have done the really hard bit - you've cracked the first year. During the next 12 months they will get more independent and you will be able to venture to more places and hopefully find some like minded parents. Are there things like Tumble Tots near where you live? Would be happy to meet up too if you are in the East of Scotland.

Oh, meant to say, check your local library for groups if you have not already.

I would agree with others - go to any and every group you can find; don't just stick to twin groups (I have none in my immediate town and there's no way I am taking my 3 under 3 on the train and walking miles to get to the one in the next town! (I don't drive)).

I find that the thing to do is show concern about others regardless of how many kids they've got and then they don't feel like they can't open up to you about how they're struggling with just one. That said I think most of the parents I know with babies have at least one other DC but most are older/playschool/school age so it's still a bit like they only have one. I only know one mum with twins here and it's lovely to talk to her but she's most definitely not my only lifeline - in fact her twins are so clingy that I don't often get to talk to her! :)

Oh and I know the isolated feeling very well, got it a huge amount with my DS1 before I really joined any groups or had a daily routine. It's tough but as you get into a habit of doing something every day (even if just a walk) it makes a huge difference even when there aren't a huge amount of groups to go to.

Hi. I wrote a very similar post on the tamba forum a week ago and had some good advice back so take a look. I've had a better week this week already!

I found that by the time I felt able to get out to mum and baby groups all the other mums with babies a similar age seemed to have formed their cliques and it was so hard to break in I gave up feeling like there was something wrong with me. Even my nct group seemed to not want to know me. I'm starting to realise now that people can be a little in awe of twin mums and even resentful if they think you are coping better than they are with one baby. They just don't get that being a twin mum you face so many different challenges and emotions, it not just that there's twice as many nappies to change. The penny is also starting to drop that twin mums can't afford to be polite and struggle, but just ask someone for help or you'll never do anything!

Maybe look for things where you are actually doing an activity rather than just sitting around drinking coffee, as then if you don't know anyone to start with you don't feel like such a lemon. I've started going to a baby signing/nursery rhyme class which the girls love and the teacher takes one of them for part of the class. It is really hard work getting to know new people, but we do have an advantage of an immediate ice breaker!

If its really starting to get you down and there aren't that many groups where you are, swallow your pride and put yourself out there looking for others who might be in the same boat - talk to homestart or your health visitor to see if they can help. It's horrible feeling like a desperate billy no mates, but what's the worst that can happen!

I would agree with the posters who say that first time mothers are a little in awe of you, someone did say once, and I love it, having one baby is just practising. Go supermum.

Go to groups at Surestart / childrens centres etc and ask for help if no one asks, I found that people did help out and held or fed one baby. Keep going to different groups, I find church ones are really welcoming wether you go to the church / are religious or not.

Don't worry about the biting, all children go through this stage, people just get annoyed if you don't do anything about it. Stay calm, apologise and go through your normal discipline routine.

I get them out where I can but I do accept that there are certain activities that at this stage I cannot do, parks at the present are a no no for my sanity. It would be 2 children at the top of different things 10m from eachother. You will probably find that you have more in common with parents of two children who are close in age than parents of just one though, I know I do.

Good luck, you've cracked the difficult bit.

Randomkah and tntfu I agree. Thought it was a bit arrogant to say some first time mothers are standoffish because they find the ability to cope with two a bit threatening somehow, and feel unable to moan about their different struggles, but I have sometimes had the hunch that is the case. I ventured to a library group for the first time last week and it was brilliant. The woman in charge had had twins and a toddler herself so was extremely helpful and welcoming. Made me wish I had braved it sooner.