Older DC's and twins - problems, positives and plain good sense

[rednellie]

I've got 10 week old twin boys and a 2 year old DD. They are all lovely.

But.

DD does have a tendency to lash out/bite/whallop on the head her little brothers and I just wanted to ask if anyone else has had this issue, or any other problems relating to older DC's and how they have coped. I know I could post in Behaviour, but I feel it's a bit different with twins, apart from anything it makes it harder trying to protect them! We give DD loads of attention, praise and love and the majority of the time she's great, but every now and again it all gets a bit too much. I kind of know all the theories about this behaviour so I guess I am more looking for solidarity than detailed advice - please make me feel normal.

I also wanted to find out the lovely things that I can look forward to...not that it isn't all marvelous now. strained

Just me then...

I had newborn triplets whilst my DD1 and 2 were 2YO and 3YO. 2 YO especially was quite boisterous.
At first we tried to ignore the behaviour and just give her lots of positive attention for being good with them, and made her interact nicely with them. However it got to the point that we had to crack down on her behaviour - the ignoring and attention for good behaviour just didn't work for us.
Basically she would just go into time out for 2 minutes if she hurt one of the babies - she would get a warning if she went near them and I could tell she was going to be silly, and then would swiftly be put into time out. I made her very clear that I was very cross and upset that she would hurt one of her sisters like that - she then had to apologise and kiss/cuddle baby better.
If she was having an 'off day' where time-outs for bad behaviour were just funny, then she would be put in her bedroom for maximum of 5 minutes. That definitely wasn't funny!
Just to make it clear, there is no shouting or anything involved in doing this - just simply making it clear to DD that what she did was very naughty.

It is normal and it is for attention, but at the same time they cannot just keep getting away with it because the longer it goes on the longer it will carry on - and then where do you draw the line?

Generally what we did with our DD's was if I had to feed DTri's then I would settle DD1 and DD2 down with an activity (colouring, puzzles, tea set) and then say that I would like them to play nicely whilst I am feeding babies, and then we can do something else fun together.
As soon as I had then sorted out babies, it was DD1+2's turn for some attention - we just worked like that. It worked out as a deal really - if they behaved nicely and played whilst I fed babies, then we could do something nice afterwards, and I would keep reminding them of that if they started to get a bit bored.

I could go on for hours with all the lovely things that you have to look forward to with multiples :) Its so lovely seeing such a close bond between them.

Thanks Kate, I was wondering whether the whole gently gently approach was really working.

My only problem with time outs, is how to to do that when I'm feeding, which at the moment is most of the time! And doesn't that just get her what she wants anyway - i.e. attention from me? Just trying to work it all out...

I would like to say that it works, but for us it honestly didn't and it only kept getting worse and worse :(

Are you BFing or bottle? If you're feeding one, is it the other that she attacks then?
I'm afraid that there is no easy way around it - often if my DD's knew that I was cross and I said 'No, you don't hit, you need to go to time out now' (whilst feeding) then they would just run off and sit on said step! Sometimes if they whinged around and refused, I would say it again and they would finally give in - of course there were the times that DD flatly refused and I just had to get up and guide her there with my body IYSWIM! I had one hand on the bottle and one holding the baby so I couldn't take her there, but just guide her. If she started kicking off and just running away then I would have to put bottle down and keep taking her back.

It doesn't give her any attention because you give her no eye contact and don't speak to her at all after you have said what she has done wrong. Even if she has come off the step a million times, you don't say anything.

I would suggest warning her that once you have finished feeding, then she is going into time out - but I think she is probably too young to understand that.

Alternatively, if you have a travel cot/playpen, you could put that up downstairs and once you have mastered one handed bottle feeding (Im sure you probably already have! ) then the travel cot can be her time out. Then you can ensure that she can't keep running off. She will be completely safe in there. You will just have to master the 'one-handed-lift' if you have to put her in there whilst you are feeding.

I know that you don't always want to make drastic changes, but you just don't want DD to keep hurting her brothers like this - if she carries on and knows that she can get away with it, she may start throwing toys at them etc, which could be dangerous, and obviously not nice for poor DT's

Hello rednellie I could have written your post so I really feel for you. There is 20 months between my eldest daughter and my twins. DD1 was particularly awful when my twins arrived - biting, hitting, kicking anyone and anything. It was really stressful and I worried incessantly about her behaviour and tried various techniques..

Time outs never worked for me either... She wouldn't stay on the naughty step (that would turn into a game of trying to keep her on the step) and we had nowhere to put her that was "secure" and that she wouldn't trash.

It was all about getting my attention. She would try hitting/biting me first then if that didn't work then she would start on the babies as she knew that would certainly get my attention. I did all the mummy and DD1 time stuff and would set up activities whilst feeding for her but it was never enough. She would play for 5 mins on her own before she needed me to do something - my twins took a good hour to feed (every 3 hours) so this just didn't work.

For DD1 any attention was good attention. So what worked best for me was to try and turn a blind eye when she hit one of the twins (this was so hard to do) and then praise her to high heaven when she was nice. This worked for us but it's not for everyone.

Anyway, twins are 1 now and my eldest is approaching 3. They are a "spirited" bunch (so says my nanny) but they get on beautifully now. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is just a phase (albeit an unpleasant one) and it will get better. Good luck!

Thanks Kate and london, apart from anything it's nice to know other mums who have been through it. I think unless your child has done the whole biting/hitting thing it's very difficult for other parents to understand. When I'm feeling particularly irrational I think I must have done something 'wrong'! The lady at DD's nursery was amazing though - she just said not to overthink it, it's a phase, she's 2 and she's had some huge changes recently...

london - I reckon I'm heading for the 'spirited' badge too! Kate - I'm bf and haven't used bottles, yet. I'm a dab hand at wandering around whilst feeding one, but am trying to tandem feed as much as poss so that I'm not spending my entire life feeding them. It seems to be working so far in that the boys are pretty together in their schedule...

Half the time, I think DD will stop doing it so much when they're more 'interesting' - she's get really affected by them crying and its almost their vulnerability that makes them targets. I've been keeping a note of when she tends to do it and its either when she's very tired, or its when she wants my attention. So that's interesting...