Do I have postnatal depression or is this normal feeling for a new mum of twins?

[Susan1981]

Right here goes...deep breath...jump right in with it!

I am a mum of 5 week old twin boys, they were IVF and very much wanted for many years. After the initial few weeks of feeling quite organised Ive started to feel like Im going backwards. Last week, after several days and nights of screaming they were diagnosed with silent reflux. Weve been given gaviscon to try but I dont feel its making much difference and have another docs appt this week.

They are staying with my mum-in-law tonight and whilst finally having 2 mins to myself Ive had time to assess how I feel and am slightly concerned that I may be suffering from more than baby blues. This is how Ive started to feel over the last two weeks since the upset started- crying all the time, snapping at everyone, feeling very anxious about the babies all the time, like Im a crap mum and everyone is looking at me (they cried all around Asda on Friday and feeding one today in public that screamed thru entire bottle and after due to reflux am sure people were disgusted with me), accepting help (of which Im lucky to have lots of offers) but just sitting round worrying about babies entire time, forgetting loads, sick to the back teeth of the constant crying but also feeling desperately sorry and breaking my heart that I cant always comfort 2 at the same time, forgetting loads and not really listening to people. moaning all the time even to complete strangers who admire the twins (awful I know), that my babies hate me cos I cant help them. when they do sleep in day (rare) not doing anything like watching tv, cleaning, have lost whole days where I cant remember what Ive done, becoming fixated on the reflux and blaming it for everything, wondering if Im imagining it /making it up and actually theyre fine just need something else from me (what?), not answering the phone or replying to texts as I dont want visitors judging me, dreading being able to drive after c-section as people will expect me to go out and I dont want to now, what was once doable such as a walk with pram is too daunting now (going backwards) the list is absolutely endless....

I love my babies so much but not really bonding that much with them. I have loads and loads of help and support and an understanding mum who thinks Im just down which is normal due to circumstances. I feel like Im getting worse and worse and thought by 6 weeks I would be much better than this.Did/does anyone else feel like this? do you feel its just cos we have more than one baby which is very hard?

I just want to feel happy again and not anxious/ tired (babies sleep at night fantastic up to 6 hrs at a stretch Im just exhausted from the days).

Please reassure me Im not going mad and what can I do to feel better whilst having two (quite demanding) babies and without just accepting all the help on offer (tho I do and will continue to).

Thankyou to all who reply and I hope youll be as honest as I have been.

xx

Oh love. I have no idea whether you should talk to your dr/hv about PND, but I do have a theory that for pretty much ANY twin mum to answer the PND questionnaire honestly would come up with a 'red flag' score. The feelings of bring overwhelmed and exhausted are just huge, because, well, it's completely overwhelming and exhuasting.
Add in reflux - mine suffer too, esp my boy - and its just relentless.
Don't feel guilty about accepting help: its a survival strategy. Don't feel guilty about 'losing' days. If you have a spare 5 mins to read occasionally (on the loo?!) then What Mothers Do will set you right on this! And even if it feels like 'wishing away' their babyhood, well, so what. Everyone says the early days are just a blur, and if you lose a few then what does it matter. Soon enough (mine are 6 months) you'll be wanting the days to slow down rather than speed up again.
As for bonding, I do know what you mean, especially when you have to harden your heart to listen to one screaming in pain with reflux, but it does get better as you start to get more feedback, smiles etc Do you have everything you could to make sure you can keep one happy whilst tending to the other - sling, bouncy chairs, mobile or playmat with lights/tunes? All helps!
You're clearly doing LOADS right if theyre sleeping so well, so take comfort in that. And if anyone asks 'how are you?' at your 6 week postnatal check etc then answer honestly (I didn't!)

Hiya
I think all your symptoms sound like pnd and I completely agree you should tell your dr exactly how you feel at your 6 week check.
Our dts are also ivf and I think this adds to the guilt as often, esp in RL you don't feel you have the 'right' to complain about anything to do with dts.
Whilst I do think it sounds like pnd, it also sounds exactly how twin mummies feel, ESP around 4-5 weeks. Our dts also has reflux and it's horrendous.
Speak to your doctor, take all the help you can and hang on in there. Soon you will get smiles which helps and I have been reassured that 12 weeks is a fab turning point (we're 11+5 atm!!).
I have also found cranial osteopathy to be a great help with the babies.
A friend of mine has pnd with her dts and her one regret is leaving it til they were 14 weeks to seek help as she feels she could gave been feeling better so much earlier if she had.
Good luck, hang on in there with your baby miracles xxx

Thankyou for the replies! I feel a bit better today and putting a perspective on things helps. As is so often the case when you have a good day but then the next day usually messes all that up! youre right that I need to discuss this at my postnatal check (after all that appt will be all about me!) I feel that its probably normal to feel like this with these extenuating circumstances! My MIL is living having the babies but maybe doing too much like I do? O well at least she can give them back and have a rest I suppose! The one prevailing thought that has stuck with me today tho I am having a good day emotionally is that something is not right apart from the silent reflux and even if it just that that I need to push on about meds. Going to see hv tomorrow and will try and let her know this tho she is always busy in clinic and seems rushed (but good and I know she is available on phone anyway). Thanks again everyone I will no doubt be back on here soon tearing all my hair out again tho!

loving not living ha!

I still have really bad days with my twins and they are much older! Twins are very hard but you just get through it and it does eventually get easier :)

Firstly you sound exactly like I did at that stage, particularly the bit about thinking that they hate you. Reflux is tough enough with one child, let alone twins.

I think you are right to have identified that you need to push about some treatment for the reflux. N.b. this should NOT be gaviscon which is all I got and that felt like drawing teeth. There is an old fashioned but prevailing view I think even amongst medical people that reflux=colic=something you just have to put up with.

Take someone along with you to help you push with the HV and GP if you think it would help. I know I get intimidated by medical professionals even though I am very confident in day to day life and you are at a vulnerable stage.

Also another thing I never got the hang of was picking up both babies together. Are you able to do that? Perhaps your mum or MIL could help you to learn to do this safely.

Remember - they will adore you whatever.

Thanks again! Schmee I do feel the gaviscon is now helping thank god but we do have a helluva time with the colic! It seems to be 9am to 9pm so at least we are all getting some sleep at the moment wont speak too soon tho! they are 6 weeks now and I feel a lot better about things than at 5 weeks just taking advantage of all of the help I have and having lots of breaks as they do tag team all day :) Im too scared to pick them both up together I have tried but it seems too risky. I usually tend to have one in a baby carrier cos of all the crying I can do it then but otherwise I tend to soothe the other baby by rocking theyre car seat/ putting them in vibrating baby bouncer etc which seems to work for short periods! Im glad you said the bit about them adoring you whatever cos when they feel so crappy and theres little you can do I think its easy to feel youre failing them. Were at the magical 6 week mark of colic now apparantly if they follow the rule book it should be at its worst now and then gradually improve to be gone by 3-4 months. I dont know if thats 6 weeks actual or 6 weeks corrected tho? Im very luckt that two healthy babies were born at 37 weeks so full term for twins but now 3 weeks corrected for a single baby so a bit confused on all that. Also I dont think it could get much worse unless they,god forbid, start screaming all night too! Sooo glad the reflux is improving with the gavison tho horrible to see them suffer :(

I'm sorry its taken so long to reply - one of my responses was eaten by phone. Like Peeling I think that the stress of newborn twins is very close to PND, especially if reflux/colic/high needs/just crying lots are involved. I got through it by getting a cleaner for a few months and paying a babysitter for an hour once or twice a week so I could get out and run.

Don't feel guilty about accepting help. Just make sure it is really helping and not creating more stress. Be direct about what you want - people glow when they have given so you are doing them a favour.

I don't know how to handle the guilt at feeling miserable when desperately wanted your children. I had 2 m/cs and had treatment to prevent another one. But it gets less as life gets easier and you enjoy them more. Maybe get some happy photos now so you can see it in context?

It will start getting easier soon but do get some help for the PND if you need it. It may not be for a long time and I have seen people transformed by it.

Hope is feeling easier, to begin with:) Personally I dont know about PND, but I do know that everything you have said is very similar to how felt on and off for the first year of my twin girls lives. They were premature, and one of my daughters had terrible reflux for first 5-6 months. Luckily, as they were in Neo natal for 5 weeks initially, I at least got some great advice regarding this as the nurses there were spot on and DIDNT just say 'oh its colic, its normal'(grr). As well as trying various medicines till we found the right one - eventually settled on a milk thickner to prevent the milk coming back up and causing the burning and pain, they also advised me not to lay her flat - prop up cot mattress with rolled up towel at head of cot, even when changing nappy make sure baby is propped up a little. Avoid lots of swinging about after feed, and after they have been put to bed try not to keep getting them up and down - really hard i know, but its better to leave them rather than moving them about. It got lots better once she had weaned, and they may tell you to do that sooner rather than later in the circumstances - ask your health visitor.
As i say, i dont know about PND, but tiredness and getting used to two newborns is hard work - so main thing I can say from my experience is, accept help in whatever form, get them into a sleep routine as soon as you can so you can at least get a bit of an evening to yourself (mine still go to bed by half 6 and they are 4 (), go easy on yourself and keep in touch with us twin mums on here - it helps to know you are not alone. I have got to say, I unashamedly admit i didnt really enjoy the first year with my twins, but it gets better and easier I promise, they really are a blessing and remember you are a twin mum and made of strong stuff!

Have you tried doing some skin to skin cuddles with them? It's so great for bonding :-) Also try taking them in the bath with you and just rest them on your chest.
It does sound fairly normal to me. It's a massive change of lifestyle for you to adapt to. However, keep an eye on yourself and beware of 'dark thoughts' as my friend with PND described them That's when to get to the gp

Thankyou to all who replied I am so pleased and lucky to realise that I really do feel much better and appreciate the babies so much more they are 9 weeks old now. Im learning to cope with it but still have days when I feel very overwhelmed and those days suck :(. Thank you everyone for the tips also. To hellswelshy I did have a good sleep routine going for a bit and they would be 'in bed' between 7-8 (Im very flexible!). However the last few times Jamie has been back down having a cwtch as he doesnt settle as good now. I keep thinking hes only little and the routine will come back but do you think I should just keep trying to get him back down? Also..thank god for the twin mummies on here you helped my sanity come back I think!x

Glad things are feeling better, I think the days that things feel bleak will come and go, and you will deal with it knowing that things arent always as bad! I think for me, the sleep routine was important - hard to establish with a reflux baby, but so worth it, so I would say perservere. I had about 8 weeks of hard going with crying and so on, but all in all it helped us all eventually. Knowing when bedtime is going to be each night kept me sane, and gave me some routine in that busy time of early babyhood!! We all do things differently, and im sure you will find a way that suits you all. Most people around me thought me and my husband were very strict in our routine with the girls, but also achknowledged that coping with newborn twins is no easy job and that it was very necessary!!
I read Gina Ford Contented baby book and even though her methods are extreme, i did take some tips from it - though didnt and couldnt follow it to the letter!! It does help understand how a routine can help though, even though you have to be able to adapt the theory to having two instead of one. Just a suggestion, and may be worth a read. Ultimately you will decide whats the best way for you and your family to keep you all happy and sane! Good luck and let us know how you get on

God I really feel for you. My boys are 16 months and both have reflux - one has silent, the other has classic. They cried for weeks, relentlessly, and we were dicked about by our GP. When er finding saw a paediatrician who sorted them with prescription formula, domperidone, ranitidine and omeprazole things got a lot better. But despite them being desperately wanted - IVF and immunotherapy - if someone had put a piece of paper in front of me and said "sign this and it'll all go away" I'd have signed it. It took ages to bond properly and I had to forget everything I thought I knew from DS1 - for whom I was wracked with guilt because inciuldnt give him the attention he needed.
All I can say is, you sound PERFECTLY normal, what you're going through is rotten, and it gets better. Please DEMAND to see a paediatrician - I had to cry to my HV to get her to get my GP to take me seriously, and then things improved exponentially.

PM me anytime if you want to chat. You are not alone.

Bag of Holly thank you so much that was so uplifting and you described me to the letter a few weeks ago. Reflux is damn hard. Things are so much better now In actually cant remember just how bad it was but I do know it was AWFUL. What was happening in this house just one month ago feels like a lifetime ago and I cant believe we got through it without cracking though hell I think I did sometimes especially with the relentless crying! Which is exactly how I describe it but noone really knows do they? They have a great bedtime routine going now and we have every evening after 7 peace and quiet its amazing how things can be turned around with a little help and support so sad we have to push so much for it though. I can honestly say that I feel really robbed of the early days and have practically brushed it under the carpet so to speak (every now and then I shudder and bite my nails in unknown fear!) but am just trying to look forward and not back.