How to cope/cheer up

[tiggersreturn]

Dts are now 6 1/2 months and after a rocky start with them arriving at 33 weeks seem to be doing well.

The problems at the moment are they haven't slept at all for the last 4 weeks. First dt1 got a bad cold and cough, then dt2 caught it, then they had a growth spurt so we started weaning and after 1 good night they've gone back to 3-4 wake ups a night. They had been really good before that which is even worse plus ds1 keeps getting woken up by them and is then a pain in the evenings due to overtiredness. So I'm feeling pretty worn out.

Ds1 had chicken pox at the beginning of half term. Babies have therefore been exposed although we're not 2 weeks past their last exposure. My social life has taken a corresponding dip as no one with babies wants to see us. So I'm feeling rather isolated.

We'd been on the waiting list for a local twins club and just got told they've got spaces coming up....... 4 months after my year of maternity leave ends. I don't really know very many other people with twins and those I do have much older ones. Internet forums are ok for odd queries but a lot of the time I come on here I leave just feeling I've done an inadequate job compared with everyone else. Breastfeeding - dt1 stopped at 12 weeks and didn't for most of the first 4 and I was still rubbish at expressing, dt2 is only mix fed and I really don't want to do it anymore. I've looked into other options but the only one I can find in walking distance is at a time that I'll never manage to get all of us there in time and with bottles.

To top it off I've just had to send off my driving licence for renewal because I have diabetes and according to another chat board I'm on I don't have a hope of it being renewed because I had to tick the box on having hypos requiring 3rd party assistance. I had these at night while pregnant with the dts but may lose my licence as a result of the new EU rules. Irrelevant that I don't drive while I'm asleep! So I'll probably be limited to foot and public transport in an area where the things I go to are on bus routes you wait 20-30 mins for and a lot of ds' activities are by car. Oh and dh said that I should be the one to buy the new car we need in order to fit 2x stage 1 seats and a booster in which is really rubbing salt in the wound!!!

I'm also waiting to find out what work's view on my flexible working proposal is. So far the response has been silence which is not promising.......

I've got a lot to feel thankful for, 3 amazing children, a helpful dh, good job, very nice house (moved into just before the dts arrived), but I just can't get out of the low I seem to be stuck in at the moment.

Any advice on how to?

Hi Tigger. No advice, but I can do some empathy!

I have nearly 6 month twins who were born 12 weeks early. I also have a toddler. Dt2 was quite poorly and is home on oxygen, so we were advised to keep him away from places where could pick up viruses (and particularly other children), which rules out toddler/twin groups for the moment? which is a shame because something like that would probably ease some of my intermittNt feelings of isolation.

And staying away has not stopped him being illl - he seems to have a permenant cold.

I too wanted to breastfeed but have only partially managed it. Have been expressing and mixing with formula, but am struggling to maintain a level of supply as they get bigger and thirstier. Feel rubbish about this as breast fed DD1 until 12 months, and my twins have had enough disadvantages and could really benefit from my breast milk :-(

Also, I too can't drive at the moment due to health problems post-birth. Another 6 months before I get my licence back. It is getting slightly better now the weather is imProving ( and can get them out in the pushchair) but had meant I have pretty much not left the house without at least two children and an adult chaperone (driver) for months and months.

It IS hard, and I think we should allow ourselves to feel at least occasionally sorry for ourselves. People think twins are the most wonderful thing, which if course they are?but I have sometimes wished I had enjoyed the simplicity of a singleton instead. I sometimes dread talking to people about the babies, as I am not always capable of being as gushingly enthusiastic about being a mother-of-twins as I feel is required of me.

So, as you see not really any helpful advice :o and I will be watching the thread with interest... But wanted to let you know you're not the alone!

All I will say is that hopefully we have got the hardest bit under our belts. I have been told that first 6 months are the most challenging. I certainly have noticed odd chinks of light which give me hope that things won't be this hard forever. ''Tis a cliche, but (please god :o) this too will pass.

Sorry for typos - posting on phone.

Thanks for the empathy. I hope your dt2's immune system improves. I also fed ds1 until just before a year.

I was told the 1st year is just really hard...... (by parents of twins the wk after ours arrived)

Hi again tiggersreturn,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a bad patch.

Don't underestimate the effect that sleep deprivation will have on your mood. Cliched but true, it is a form of torture. The fog started to lift for me when DT2 finally started sleeping through at 10 months... (I was too soft). So couple awful sleep deprivation with enforced isolation from chicken pox and I think anyone would be climbing the walls in your situation. You've done brilliantly. You've looked after a sick toddler and two babies ALL BY YOURSELF. Gosh, you should be giving yourself a big pat on the back not feeling inadequate. I would have turned to alcohol in your situation.

The driving licence situation isn't ideal.. are any of your DS's activities within walking distance? My DD only does activities I can walk to (so anything within a two mile radius is OK!). It forces me out of the house and we all get a bit of fresh air (admittedly it is pretty miserable when it's pouring with rain - DD loves it though as she gets to jump in muddy puddles). Whatever happens, you'll cope and come up with a solution. If it's any consolation, I found my babies started getting easier when they weren't so dependent on milk feeds. I could shove rice cakes in their mouths when they started to get a bit fractious when we were out. So you may find that you can get to the twins club that's in walking distance successfully in a month or so.

Why do we all beat ourselves up about breastfeeding? Your babies got 3 months of breast milk. That's absolutely brilliant. You've given them such a good start. Don't forget you had a toddler to look after on top of having newborn twins. Anyway, I don't know any mums who breastfed their second child as long as their first. I switched to formula earlier than I wanted to, I have no regrets now. My life is easier, I HATED expressing with a passion and the babies can be propped up with bottles and feed themselves. So much easier (and underwired bras again - hurrah!)

Sorry I have no advice to offer - I just couldn't read your post and not respond. It is bloody hard, but it has got easier for me as they get older - I'm sure it will for you too.

I hope someone else responds with something more articulate and useful for you. Take care.

Aaaah! Boiler has broken we have no heating or hot water and plumber has just gone quiet. Why does it only seen to get worse?

See if your hv can put you in touch with other twin mums - you could meet up when it suits you.

Going to non-twin clubs is good as people have hands free to help and they are in awe of twin mums so give you a boost.

My lowest times are always linked to lack of sleep, usually when dtds have slept badly and dd1 has decided to join the night time fun. It will get better. Can you talk to your GP re driving licence?

Where are you in the UK? Guessing you're not near me as the twin club here is open for all and runs at a soft play centre.

Hv's advice yesterday was limited to "they should sleep soon" and "that's a pity" about the twins club. We're in nw London. I'll try other groups but the only one I know of is a 25 min walk and I'm not sure I have either energy or time for that.

Gp is never particularly helpful and hospital takes ages to do anything so I don't imagine anything will happen quickly.

I had a hv come round to offer advice getting twins to sleep. She turned up and quizzed me for pnd. I clearly said I wasn't depressed just knackered as dh had been in hospital so I'd been on my own with 3 waking kids. She was useless.

What worked for us was moving them into their own room, own cots, strict bedtime and routine, bottle feed at night, at 1st we also did a dream feed at 10.30pm/11pm but they've dropped that now. And the room is fairly dark with 20 mins soothing music. dtd2 loves her projector but not when she's tired so we stopped using it at night. dtd1 sleeps 7.30pm-6/7am, dtd2 goes to 5am and usually ends up in bed with us - but it's about survival.

dtd2 is struggling with her teeth so I clutched at straws and dug out the dummy she had for the 1st months of her life - it calmed her and when I went to get her after nap time she was holding the teat and chomping on the hard plastic!

Are your dts on solids? - they say it makes no difference but mine sleep better since going onto solids, and dd1 definitely did too.

hope that helps a little. Feel free to pm me if you want a twin mum to talk to x

We've been on solids for 2 wks with a slight improvement in dt2 but not dt1. Now my ap has decided that she's leaving so another thing to sort out. Hopefully life will get better at some point

Hey tigger if you fancy travelling to sw london you're welcome to join our informal twins club. Between contacts from NCT courses, TAMBA courses, yoga, pilates and chance meetings at baby clinic, we have formed a group of about 15 mums all with twins 6 months and under. We meet up every 2 weeks on Monday lunchtimes (there are usually only about 6 mums actually turn up due to various delayed feeds, nappy disasters, jabs etc).

Meant to say the meet ups are in Richmond which you could get to on the overground from nw london?

Not from my bit sadly. We're on thameslink and it would take me most of the day to get there and back so unlikely to happen. Sounds nice though.

Oh never mind. Have you been to any Tamba courses? I found them useful to make contacts locally. Also you could perhaps get the contact details of local twin mums from the twin club?

Licence has been taken and buggy wheel puncture on same day! When is my luck going to turn.

Oh no, thats terrible. Hope you get buggy fixed soon

Tiggers - I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time. I don't have any useful advice or suggestions - it sounds as though you know what the problems are but can't sort them out yet. I just couldn't not post something. I hope you can hang in there for a bit longer - either your luck will change or your ability to deal with it will change.

What makes you think when you come on here that you are doing an inadequate job? I think you are doing an amazing job just to get through the day with 3 children. I only just cope (and sometime am not sure I do that) with just the twins.

I do have an au pair dw so am not completely alone (which is why I don't feel that I'm doing such a great job if I feel this bad with an au pair). Most of her help is early morning getting ds to school and afternoon for afterschool. She's leaving in 2 weeks though and I haven't found another yet.......

I'm going to have another go at getting to a twins club I've found next week although it's held at the lovely centre with a policy of no buggies so I'm not quite sure how we manage the logistics without me dropping a baby or changing bag.