PND. There... I said it...

[BrainLikeASieve]

1 year on and my twins are adorable. They're babbling and nearly walking and a real delight... most of the time. So why am I so fucking mental?!
I'm fine for most of the time but some times.. when they've both been crying for ages and I'm tired and stressed... I just lose the plot. I shout at them and instead of just fixing the problem I get all angry. Poor things. I'd never ever hurt them but jeeeeeeez - the noise of it! And I'm sure you know how it is... when they're both going - you can pick one up but the other still screams. and then you put a calm baby down to pick up the other and they start up again.

I'm coming on here to rant really.
My man's in bed asleep and I'm in the kitchen - just finishing up going through my work emails - 'cos I need to keep on top of things - running our business is tough - especially with a vat return due next week. Oh - and I have NO help. None. No family nearby. Its just me and the twins - all of the time. I've just stopped b/f so maybe its hormones.

But I really thought I'd do a better job than this.
My twins deserve better. All I can remember of their first year is a few flash points where I got angry with them and shouted.
I can't remember anything good.
I thought getting past their birthday - I'd be able to put the hell that was their "birth" behind me. But that lingers on.

And what is it about strangers wanting to PAW at the twins all the time?
FFS - just stop putting your shitty grubby hands on my babies faces.
But I can't seem to say that to anyone - I'm all polite and don't say anything and then after I cry and rant about how I should put my twins first instead of a total stranger and just tell them to FUCK OFF.

Eugh - I'm full of rage and upset and shoulda woulda coulda.
And my poor twins need someone stable who's nice and even tempered and NOT MENTAL.

I tried to call my doctor this afternoon but they were having a GPs meeting so I couldn't make an appointment.

But I'm nervous to actually tell anyone I'm struggling in-case they put the wheels in motion to take my babies away from me.
Although no-one could - they bang on developmentally, and we play with flash cards, all kinds of v-tech toys - oh and eating our own shoes and socks of course... and they feast on homemade quinoa patties for gods sake!

I'm not sure what's held me back from asking for help... I guess the thought that I'm better than this.
I'm not a crumbling mess of a mother. I run a business. I have staff.
I effect a wonderfully posh accent when I need to.

I think I just need some nice calming drugs....

Is it just me? Please tell me its not just me living in a haze of rage / regret?

I haven't got time to write much but didn't want your post to go unanswered. But no, it is not just you. You are being really harsh on yourself. Twins are really hard work. You sound like you are doing amazingly well.

I'm not sure if you really need the nice calming drugs (though in my experience they do work ) but I think you do definitely need a break. Try and arrange a weekend away if you can get the babysitters, or even a night off. Or indulge in a crappy weepy girls film for an evening - I find a massive cry can be a catharsis. But most of all be proud of what you have achieved. You have 2 lovely children and no one expects you to be perfect. Good enough is....well good enough!

No, it's not just you.

One baby crying is difficult for anyone to listen to but when you have twins some days it's constant and a form of torture. My two start off with one crying then passes the baton to the other to have a go, they then synch up and have a competition as to who can wail the loudest. I'm sat in between trying my hardest to console and placate as best I can while feeling torn in two as I can't comfort them both enough at once.

These days aren't everyday but when they have one it blocks out everything else.

Also the lack of help is hard, dm has had dts and dd1 for about 30 hrs total in 2 yrs, dp works 6 days a week, I work evenings too so all the day stuff falls to me then I work so no rest at all.

I feel like asking for meds too, then feel a failure for feeling so low when I should be enjoying my dc. I feel ashamed that I'm not coping as well as people assume. I also feel pressure that I should cope and asking for help is a weakness- that is in my head and has always been even before dc.

Try and ease up on yourself - I was queen of home cooked meals etc but now have pizza/waffles/fish fingers etc in the freezer for tea when I can't face cooking, dc love it and I try and ignore the guilt. --although I spend far too much on it all to make sure it's healthy junk iykwim?

Do you get out much with them? Toddler groups etc? Mine are always much happier when we get out to these sorts of hell places as there's more to distract from the tantrums!

Invest in some wiggles DVDs, mine love dancing and singing along, and I join in/sit and watch and drink far too much coffee whilst not being climbed on depending on how exhausted I am!

Put on some loud music when you feel like screaming - do it to the song and get dc to join in and jump around, this is a good release for me (not sure the neighbours do though!)

Go easy on yourself, your dc will still love you even if they haven't looked at a flash card today and had fish fingers and beans for tea.

It's not just you. I just started writing a new thread but deleted it before I submitted it.

I am currently in a duvet on the lounge floor with two knackered bit awake babies ranging around me. I've been trying to out them to bed for an hour but they both want to be held and breastfed and wail when I pick the other one up. I have, for the second time in their 16 month lives, sobbed in front of them. And, for the first time, shouted at them to go to sleep. At 7.30pm. It's not even late. But tonight is a new low.

We are both doing fabulously. This is hard. in a way that only a mum of triplets can diminish! I think we both need more support. From where, I've no idea, but I can't do another evening like today until I have had 10 hours straight sleep.

I really hope things pick up for you soon, maybe via the GP. I don't think that's the answer for me - I think I need to get my DH to do more bedtimes and night times.

Good luck, and just keep going .....

It does get better, my twins are now 3 and I am coming out of PND. I feel like I'm waking up. Big hugs and what the others said

oh hey ladies. thanks so much for replying.
I love MN 'cos its full of sarcasm and swearing but its really lovely to come here and read such supportive messages. Aw...

Imonabreak... I'm intriguied by this Wiggles DVD - I'm gonna hunt that down over the weekend! and I know what you mean about healthy junk... fish fingers, beans - and oh yah... boiled new potatoes 'cos that makes it OK right?!

I do get out with them as much as I can but I hate being stopped so much - by people that just want to PAW at the twins. It makes me feel rather vulnerable - almost at the mercy of strangers. eugh. and sod what anyone says - as soon as they're both walking - I'm getting REINS!!!

I'monabreak - you said: I feel like asking for meds too, then feel a failure for feeling so low when I should be enjoying my dc. I feel ashamed that I'm not coping as well as people assume. I also feel pressure that I should cope and asking for help is a weakness- that is in my head and has always been even before dc.

Yup - that's just how I feel. Surely its not that hard? Surely I should be able to just cope... I mean.. .the twins are eating, growing, cooing, learning, cruising.... doing everything they're supposed to - is it really that much harder having two? They're my only children so I don't know...

Sandboy... you're still bf? I eased up and stopped just after they turned 1 year. 16 months - good on you! Oh I can just imagine what that's like - with the duvet out - trying to get them calm.
Im' very lucky that my two sleep through the night (mostly)
I run my own business so I've just cleared my emails and submitted my VAT return. and they're sleeping so I'll go watch TV for a bit.

First Drs appointment I can get is for 2 weeks time. No idea what they'll say when I sit down and ask for drugs!
OH is dead against medication but now I've waited this long 'cos I was breastfeeding. Now they're off me I can go down the pharmaceutical route.

Girls... thanks so much for your kind words.
Twin mums are FAB xxx

Don't have time to post much as DT2 about to lose the plot but you're not alone. None of my business but it doesn't sound like PND. I lost my temper earlier this week and still feel horrible about it. For some reason all the normal stuff I have done this week has been forgotten in comparison to those 2 minutes...

sorry for short response earlier but didn't want to leave it unsaid. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. There is a great blog on Analytical Armadillo's site about PND. It is about new mothers but I think it applies equally well to older children. The gist is that she thinks PND is over diagnosed when mothers are actually suffering from the combined impact of sleep deprivation, social isolation, feeding issues and massive expectations (from themselves and others). What we need is more support rather than drugs (btw I am not anti drugs and they have worked wonders in the past for me).
I have wondered a few times recently if I am suffering from PND as there are days when it feels I am losing my mind. In more rational moments I know its mostly sleep deprivation and frustration that I can't make DT2 a happier/more contented baby and that housework doesn't do itself.
Anyway, back to you. Your last post sounds like you've sorted it all out in your head and have a plan (I like plans -I am ever optimistic that things will get better). My only other suggestion on the twins being pawed is a very big sunshade that covers them up a bit. And sunglasses for you so you can avoid eye contact. In this weather people will assume you're a bit mad and might avoid you.

Hope you can hang in there. Do mums have phases as well as babies/children? If not, and you go down the meds route - hope they work.

these are the wiggles lots of dad dancing but dc adore them! Got a couple of cheap DVDs in wilkinsons.

Practice your 'head down, I'm in a rush' walk or try and avoid eye contact with people if you want to avoid strangers. I walk really quickly when out and only get the passing comment, unless I'm in the mood for inane chat with people.
You are hardly likely to see them again so don't feel bad for saying "sorry, we are in a hurry" and walk away.

These are great when you come to brave a trip without the pushchair!

As for two babies being hard? I have an older dd as well and she was/is a breeze! My dts are great and watching them play together is wonderful but the constant struggle to divide your attention and the feeling of being pulled in two directions is hard.

Good luck with the dr, don't want to be rude but it's all very well your oh being against meds when its his health but he hasn't really got a say when it's you that will be taking them.

You sound like you're doing great - you've just set the bar too high! I think anyone in your situation would feel desperate at times.

Do you know any not so little girls who like babies? When mine was little, a neighbours DD used to come around for a couple of hours and just generally hang out with me and DD. It was a real help and she would just watch and play with DD, while I was in the house (I NEVER) used her as a baby sitter.

I used to buy her little presents to say thank you.

Bye the way, ref people PAWing your twins, just tell them you think they may have impetigo, (or something equally harmless but contagious) so best not to touch them.

You are doing great, you are being so hard on yourself. I was just the same wrt self flagellation and it's left me very about how I felt about me looking back at that time.

Is the any possibility of investing in a bit of childcare once or twice a week? Just to give you some time away from the grind to feel like you again. Don't think of it as a luxury, don't think of it as you not coping (you are, magnificently) but everyone in the family will benefit from it and it should blimmin well be on prescription. Oh and if you do it, do not fill the time up with jobs and work; do something just for you.

Btw as time goes by the attention regarding the fact that the children are twins fades.

Mine are B/G twins and now they are 10yrs many people don't often even click that they are twins anymore that don't already know them.

I do kind of miss the days when they used to attract so much attention in their buggy. I obviously knew thought they were gorgeous and the fact that people would come over to them and make a big fuss just verified it

am a mum to bbg triplets who are 3 in April and I still dont feel right! My head is a constant whirl. Re doing it on your own, I know how you feel. The children came home on the Friday and my husband had to be back at work on the Tuesday as we couldn't afford for him to take paternity leave. No family within a 2 hour car journey and no friends really as only moved here a bit before I got pregnant. I can still see myself now waving my husband off to work that Tuesday morning!

I still get days where I am convinced that the children would be much better off without me (most days actually). I go into the kitchen and hide behind the fridge so they cant see me crying. But bless them they come and find me, give me a cuddle and ask if I'm ok. Obviously I say am fine and then they smile at me and things dont seem quite so bad. Some days I feel as if I am just maintaining them if that makes sense. They are fed, watered, they have a warm dry home to live in, they are given a bath and they are loved but sometimes there just isn't time to play with them or give them the attention I know that they need. Housework, cooking, washing etc just has to get done sometime.

But in my sane moments I can step back and be realistic. I am on my own with them (as I have been since day one) Monday to Friday for 10 hours a day. I am not superwoman and sometimes something just has to give. There has to be an afternoon when I'm afraid I just put Shaun the Sheep on and hide in the kitchen with a coffee!

With regards going out, I found the best way to stop people talking to me (people can be so rude and ask such personal questions), was to put headphones in my ears. People just assumed I was listening to music when in fact they are not plugged into anything so they dont talk to me!

All the best.

Just wanted to add my perception that you must be incredible if you can rear twins and run a business from home. Incredible. VAT returns?! I can't keep on top of filing our household bills, let alone dealing with customers, suppliers, tax man, etc etc.

Try not to see all the things that (you believe) you're not doing, and instead give yourself huge credit for all the things you are. At the end of every day if you've kept them fed, entertained, reasonably clean and frankly alive then you are doing a good job, and if you are also running a business turning over enough to need to register for VAT then you're amazing!

You surely already know this, but it's hard for women who are used to being very in control of their work to deal with the chaos and irrationality of babies, so you may well not have PND but just too high expectations of yourself.

Practically, can you do something to give yourself a bit more down time? Maybe you can take on a cleaner who could keep the house ticking over and maybe she would even cook the odd meal for you/babies. Or send them to a childminder once or twice a week so you can blitz some work. And as someone else said, you should also ensure you get some 'you' time. It's so easy to be submerged in the role of being someone's mum and lose sight of the fact that you are still in there too.

Would you see any of the above as being a weakness? It really isn't, it's just delegating and prioritising, which I'm sure are things that have come easily to you before professionally. If this approach works then you might not need to go down the drugs route at all.

Good luck, and please give yourself credit for raising two happy babies.

I should have added in my previous post, you should go see the GP though. They will be able to decide if you need antidepressants. They did work in my case they stopped the rollercoster of rage/sadness that I felt and smoothed it out so I felt a lot more calm. They were not addictive and I was only on a low dose (20mg) for about 6 months before they reduced the dose to 10mg, then 10 mg every 2nd day and then stopped. There is no shame in taking antidepressants.

I will just add that you do get a massive downer after stopping breastfeeding because of the sudden drop in hormones. So it could well be part of it.

Try to get out to as many things as possible so you don't end up staring at the walls all day. Mine were always much better behaved when out, I could sit and have a cuppa for 5 mins and chat to adults! I used to do something every day, even if it was just a walk round the shops.

Oh gosh... So much to say. Hope I don't miss anything..
Maintaining the twins. Yup. Feels some days like I'm going through the motions of keeping them alive. But I quickly snap out of it & engage the twins with learning & playing games. I've felt so much better since the event of their birth day is over. And stopping b/f too.
Who said it? I feel like I'm waking up too. Weird huh. Like the mental mess was a hazy memory.
I've tried the earphones thing - once I was on my phone - using hands free - and a couple still stopped me to ask about my pram!

The business is hard work - I do all the admin, sales, payroll & accounts. This evening I've been working on our database (access) - & finally got quotes & customer records linked properly & set up profit margin reports for each customer & job type over the past 5 years. (oh yeah... I'm such a geek!)
Works hard & I tend to crack on with it when the twins go to sleep.
Thankfully they sleep well in the afternoons.
But then I feel guilty that I'm clock-watching waiting for them to sleep so I can work.

Went to the doctors today but couldn't bring myself to mention depression.
I wonder if you guys are right... It's just tiredness & stress.
Maybe all I need is some good sleep and a holiday!