Feeling rejected by my 13mo twin

[hjbanana]

Hi, sorry to pop up out of no where but I have had a hellish few hours and need someone to tell me it'll be ok. DH would say I was being silly, in an affectionate but not very convincing way. I need a bit more than that, my legs have gone to jelly.

So I have a DD1 and twins (DTs?). I have just had to cope with DT2 passing n and out of sleep due to a high temperature and DT1 raging and screaming for over an hour. I had to leave my DT2 in her 3 yo sister's care so I could try to calm DT1. It was awful. DH came home and DT1 stopped instantly.

And herein lies my trauma. She has always been a 'Daddy's girl', which I have (had) no problem with. She is like he was as a baby - very chilled out & smiley, usually. Her only real word is Dadda - it felt cute until today. But underneath it all, I've had a nagging doubt about my bond with her. On a practical level, she is a very big girl (over 2 stone) and I find it very hard to carry her around. DT2 is teeny compared to her so she usually comes with me, DT1 with DH. DT2 is also very bright and is doing all the tricks first. DT1 doesn't really care, she's so laid back. So I often find myself encouraging and praising DT2 and then compensation-praising DT1. I am aware that trying too hard to love her will not fool her. And I adore her. I want to hold her now as I write this and say sorry that I haven't been enough for her today. But basically, she rejected me because she knows that deep down, it's just harder for Mummy to love her than her sisters and actually, it's the same for her.

I don't want favourites, I want to love my children for every amazing thing that they are (I don't believe you can love 'equally'). Will it get better with her?

Hi. It sounds as though you have had a shit day, and to be honest I would try to let it go and relax for the evening. It is not a great time to dwell on fundamental questions about how much you love your children/are loved by them, because you must be shattered and fed up and your judgement is probably shot at the moment.

That's not to dismiss what you've said, but to try and encourage you to give yourself a break. What stood out for me in that account was that your husband walked in (presumably he'd been away for hours?) and she stopped crying. That is probably novelty as much as anything else. You'd been there all day and he hadn't, so he got her attention. He was probably also not worn down by a hard day and so had the right thing to say, whereas you have tried every combination of words on all 3 children and run out of inspiration!

You do love her and she will feel that. You're a great mum for worrying that she has picked up on any difference in approach and I bet you give her heaps of loving contact a thousand times a day. I hope you get a good night's sleep and tomorrow brings calmness and everyone feeling better!

Yes, tomorrow is another day, tomorrow is another day. I think I just wanted to write it down and see how it felt. And feel sorry for myself and have some anonymous sympathy. I don't like complaining to friends much as I don't want my friendships to be based on that but f&ck me it's hard!!

Yes, DH had been at work all day. Poor man got an ear bashing for daring to take his coat off instead of rushing straight in.

Thanks for responding Cerubina, I hope you have a good day tomorrow too. Off to bed. Might just go an stroke DT1's head on my way.

The fact you're noticing how you're feeling and are writing about it so fluently is a really good sign - it means you care. You're a good mum, but kids have their off days too and they will show you their worst side as well as their best because they can - they feel safe enough in your love to be able to do that.

I second Cerubina's comment about your DH coming in changing the scene - happens almost every day with my DD. It could be him, or a post man knocking on the door - just something to distract them from having a strop. And when you are tired, it's hard to provide enough of a distraction to get them to change moods.

Anyway, hope you get a good rest tonight.

Hello - Hope you're feeling better today. I can't add anything to Cerubina's post and like rednellie says, if you care that much you're doing it right.

I have to say after having my twins I thought my feelings for DD1 had taken a knock. I spent a long time fighting (mentally) and trying to sort out feelings and thoughts. Things did change but I love her the same, it's just now I have two more bundles to love and care for too and DD1 is also a lot more of a daddy's girl so we clash naturally.
Try not do your head in, relax and enjoy them and just focus on other stuff, it's a big change having twins even 13mo later! (mine are almost 1yr!)

Hope you feel better?

Hi all, sorry I haven't replied sooner - just arrived back from a weekend at my parents with DDs & without DH. Major bravery on my part. And as they all kept me up on both nights, I can now say that they are all my least favourites, equally.

Thanks for your posts, it was just a bad day I guess. Sometimes you just wonder whether you have any any puff left.