Coping with twins and 2 older children

[claireinmodena]

Hello I am 30 weeks pregnant with twins and also have dds aged 10 and 7, plus a dh that works very long hours, not home before 9-10 every night.

Since we discovered I was carruing twins he has been insisting that we should get his mum if mine to stay fir a dew months once the babies arrive I was thiking more along the lines of a couple of weeks max), partly because he is worried about me and partly about him!

Problem is I havd been put on bed rest since week 27, and I have had 2 weeks of my mum and 1 of my mil, and its already driving me insane!
At the moment I dont have a choice but the thought of more of this once the babies arrive is enough to make me suicidal... I know I sound ungrateful, but I jyst need my own space in my house, and because they live quite far they cant just come in for a couple iof hours.

What I'd like to know is, did anyone cope on their own anc managed ok? I will have to do school run, packed lunch shopping (I have a cleaner though).

I need to convince dh I can do this without too much impact on his work and without losing my own.

Also I am planning to bf which probably works against me as I realise I might be able to do very little else in those first few weeks.

Any advice, experience is greatly appreciated!!!

I would take their offers of help to be honest. We though we could cope on our own, but by 8 weeks in the sleep deprivation was awful and we were really on our knees. I don't actually like my MIL, but I put up with her in my house a lot in the from 10 - 18 weeks cause I needed the help. I would recommend that if possible that you organise for them (both your mum and MIL) come for short spells. My mum who lives further away used to come from Monday pm - Wed am, and then MIL (local) came round thurs pm and stayed til Fri am, and then DH and I coped for the weekend. It gave us a lot of help, particularly with the night feeds, as DH was working so I did 2 night feeds about 1.30am, and 4.30am, with DH helping me at the first, and DMIL/DM helping me at the other. Even with the help it took me about am hour to feed in the night.

Sorry this post is negative, but in reality I found all help much appreciated.

Hi

I would agree with Chesticles. Take any help being offered, it won't be for long. And no one will want to help by the tome they are fighting and bickering toddlers;-)

The amount of work involved with two babies (those with triplets and more have my deepest respect) is unrelenting. The night time feeds are crippling as we found we were up twice a night with each baby, so up 4 times. Then trying to be organised for the older kids will be hard. My older two were much younger than yours, at 5 and 19months when our twins were born, so needed a lot of attention. Yours are a bit older so may be able to help to some extent and/or fend for themselves if you are otherwise busy.

Grin and bare it I say. Good luck.

Thank you ladies, I sppreciate your honesty, even though its not exactly what I wanted to hear.
The thing is that it will not be short term as it would tag ali to however long I manage to keep them in, and it coild still be another 8 weeks.

I am at serious risk of getting (I am not joking, I can feel it coming up already, spent hours awake yhinking this over last night).

I might try to get some paid help during the day maybe.

Thanks all the same!

Hello.

I think you'll need a bit of help. I had a 20 month old when my twins arrived. I thought I could cope without any help - and I did until about 3.5 months when I was just broken and exhausted. The night feeds were a killer (I had no help from DP and he was often away) then having to entertain/feed etc a toddler the next day was pretty taxing. Your older DCs will obviously be able to fend for themselves a bit more but they'll still desperately need mummy time. That said, I found the twins infinitely easier to look after than my toddler. You've done the baby stage twice now so you'll be a pro..

I was induced at 38 weeks, so as you say, you could be driven mad with 8 extra weeks of DMIL/DM!

Oh, and online shopping for pack lunches...!

Hello londonmum,

Unfortunately online shopping not an option as I live in Italy and they dont do it ....

i have been awake most of the night thinking about this, I had very bad experience with MIL when dd1 was born and suffered from mild pnd, delayed bonding and extreme lackbof confidence in me as a mother. Dd1 was 5 wks When I was finally aline with her, and finally felt as her mum, iykwim.

These are definitrly going to be mh last babies and I am desperate to enjoy every minute of it, but it sounds like I'll be damned whatever I choose!

Just need to decide what death I want to die of....

I have been recommended a babysitter who had just qualified as a midwife and has some months free before she starts her job, we will compromise on other stuff, but I need to preserve my sanity!

C xxx

PS My older dds are very good independent girls and spend most of the day at school, they'll be a source of help too, but then I dont want to rely on them too much as it wouldn't be fair on them. As you said they'll need mummy time too...

Try and get as much help as you can but organise it to tackle the jobs you don't want to do. When we finally got out of hospital 2nd time round we had nearly 4 weeks worth of suppers made by friends and community. Definitely accept that if it's on offer. We also got an au pair who is a brilliant help in getting my 4 year old ready for school, doing school run and generally paying him attention and also keeping the place from going to complete rack and ruin by general tidying, doing the washing, load dish washer etc. We got a night nurse for a couple of weeks around weeks 4-6 as well but this is only good if you're doing bottles. (At that point I'd stopped feeding dt2 at night after his turning blue and not breathing while feeding episode - I was too nervous to feed in the dark when feeling shattered).

It is a lot more work than 1 baby, there's no two ways about it and all help is appreciated. But only if it's help that helps you e.g. keeping everything going, winding/comforting babies so you can sleep etc. If the price is that you're a nervous wreck unable to rest and with pnd because of it then it's counterproductive and you have to convey this to your dh and come up with an alternative method of survival.

Just to point out that although with one baby you may feel that they're being taken away, with 2 it's often a relief to have a break and only handle 1 at a time particularly when you haven't yet mastered the art of tandem feeding and both are yelling with hunger.

I will probably be in the minority here, but I resented the influx of grandparents for the first couple of months. I thought that we would need all the help we could get but when it came round to it I felt I would rather have had the babies and my space to myself. I was quite capable of looking after them on my own and found myself inventing jobs for grandparents to help with. Everyone kept helpfully taking them off me and sending me upstairs to sleep which I hated, and I only really started to bond with them after everyone had left. What I should have done, with hindsight, is hung out in bed with my girls, having a lovely babymoon and breastfeeding round the clock, instead of feeling like I had to get up and get them dressed so they could be passed around all day. I know my parents and in laws were all just super excited though and also wanted bonding time.

Now that the babies are 14 weeks old, I'd love someone to come and take them off me every now and then though! Now is when I could actually do with the help, but we don't have any family living nearby.

I'm not sure how this relates to your situation as I don't have other children to care for but you know your capabilities. I have a cleaner once a week and groceries are delivered, so I can focus all my energy on the babies.

I should add that it is very difficult and very chaotic, looking after twins on your own. I'm just someone who likes their own space. House guests, for me, only add to the stress

beamae you sound exactly like me!

That is exactly what I am dreading, and its just what happened with mil first time round, when all shd wanted to do was hld the baby.

tiggers you hit the nail on the head, and thats the dilemma I'm facing, I realise I will need lots of help, but I havd doubts mil can provide the hrlp I need, rather than what she thinks I should need ifykwim.

Even now she wont listen when I say that we wont need anyone over tr holidays when dh is at home and girls off school and we need some time on our own after 3 weeks of coliving.

I will probably have mil/mum stay for a coupld of weeks, dlternating betwern them and thrn I'm definitely getting some paid help. Cant havean aupair as house really not ideal, but cxn increase clesners hours. Its a bit if a shame spenfing the money like this, but I guess it will be worth it!

I just wish dh and his family would listen to me more raher than deciding what I need themselves, at my age and experience as a mum I find it immensly patronising and disrespectful!

I reslly appreciate your thoughts and points of view though, always good to hear how others have coped!

Thanks a lot!!

Hello - my experience was similar to Beamae. I was so much happier when everyone left and it felt like less work as I didn't have to make conversation or try and get it right in front of everyone, plan food, ignore tactless remarks etc. I did have a bit of a meltdown at week 8ish and gave in to getting a cleaner. I also have a babysitter once a week for an hour so I can go and run. However I don't have any other children and am not sure how I would have coped. It may depend a bit on the babies - if you have 2 pretty laid back babies who feed and sleep easily it should be achievable. Good luck - I hope you can make it work.

Thank you all, I feel a bit better now I have a "plan": definitely my mum first then mil for max 2 weeks, increase cleaner's days to two, so she can also do laundry snd ironing, get babysitter two afternoons to take older girls to their activities( or I can take them while she looks after babies), and maybe get here also a couple of mornings, as DW123 said it us also dependz on how demanding the babies are, if they're znything like dd1 I could be feeding 24/24, if like dd2 definitely manageable! Then also on thd kind of birth.
So, its a flexible plan, buf at least I have some sort of plan in mind which makes me feel More confident. Only problem now is explaining to dh anc mil without hurting anyones feelings...which wont be easy.

Big sigh....

Sorry - forgot to say Congratulations. Best of luck with the tricky conversations, then enjoy your twins.

Thanks DW123

Hi claire
Sounds like you're reaching the conclusions you want to (even if you now have to present them to other people). FWIW I think your plan sounds pretty good - it's definitely worth giving some thought to what help you will actually want, rather than what other people think you need.
Your post stuck a chord because I was put on bed rest for much of my twin pregancy (from 20weeks to their eventual safe arrival at 38). We were in the process of organising a 300 mile move and ended up with DH working at one end of the country Mon-Thurs while my mum and MIL took turns to stay with me and look after DD1. Of course I was, and am, grateful for their help, but it was hard for all concerned and didn't do our relationships with each other much good.
My twins were born by planned section, DH and I did the first two weeks on our own, with grandparents visiting briefly, Both sets of parents helped us to move house (to near in-laws) in wk 3 and at start of wk 4 my parents went home (they live in a different country) and I was on my own with DH working pretty long hours (and in-laws around the corner). DD1 went off to PILs one morning a week and PILs came helped me with short, specific tasks (eg bathtime, carrying the colicky twin around while I gave DD1 her tea) sometimes. I found it really useful having people close by who could come over if it all got too much, but it was also good to feel that I was setting the agenda and, largely, coping on my own. It sounds like in the short term, if you're not having live-in parental help (and I agree with you that by then the cons will probably outweigh the pros!), it'd be good to try and get some targetted support - fillin gthe freezer/shopping/ferrying your older girls around/as your twins get a bit bigger having someone take them out for a nap so you can spend time with your DDs/sleep etc.
Feel as though I'm rambling a bit, mainly I wanted to wish you lots of luck with it and sympathise with you about the bed rest and maternal help!

Hello jassinkernow

And thank you so much for your post and sympathy. It is good to hear from someone who gets it!
I know I might sound ungrateful, but I just want to be able to enjoy my two babies, ita a long story that I wont bother you with, but its been a long and rocky road that lead to my third pregnancy, which was then blessed with an extra baby, I just feel I deserve to choose how I want to live it.

Can I ask you why where you put on bed rest? In my case its s shortened cervix (1 cm), and also was your bed rest uninterrupted yil 38 wks? It sounds like an eternity! I was kind oc hoping that if DT are still holding on by wk 36 I'd be allowed a normal life as by then twins are considered at term anyway? Or am I being naive?

Thanks again for taking the time to respond, I appreciate that!

Hi Claire
I don't think you sound ungrateful. I was definitely grateful for the help but very much resented having to have it!
Shortened (and funnelled) cervix in my case too - picked up at the 20 week scan. I had a stitch put in at 22 weeks at about 1cm. I also had the steroid injections at 24 weeks. 22-32 weeks my only 'activity' was taxi rides to the hospital. Sometime around 33/34 weeks the advice changed to a vague 'oh well you might as well mostly stay in bed - presumably you're knackered anyway' at which point I started to do a bit more - I still had help with DD during the day (she was a toddler and still needed lifting in and out of buggy/cot etc) - but I would walk to the end of the road to a cafe with her every couple of days, and the weekend before my (planned) section we even took her to the park. So no, I don't think you're naive to hope for a spot of normality.
At 30 weeks, you're doing really well. Hope it doesn't drag too much for you and explaining what you want to happen goes ok...

I'm so glad I found this thread. My dad is full of doom and gloom about how hard, busy and unfair on my dd it'll be if i have no help when my twins arrive. I am going to have a good read through and try and prepare myself with a plan too, to get him off my back! Plus, having my young dd, who won't understand I can't do X with her right now and feeling neglected is a big worry.

With my dd I also felt better once I was left to it more. I needed help initially as I had a third degree tear and was in a lot of pain moving and wobbly and out of breath just getting up stairs as i was anaemic after a big bleed. However, I enjoyed it all much more when well meaning relatives left me alone to enjoy her more and stopped forcing me to go for a rest the minute she was fed.

Now, to look into a cleaner :-)

Hope your tricky chat with your Dh and mil went well Claire