help - I'm completely rubbish at this

[PrincessScrumpy]

My twins are 15wo and dd1 is 3.5yo - I feel I don't give any of them the time they need. My breast milk doesn't seem to be satisfying the girls and so far they've been awake since 9am - I gave in and gave them bottles at 2pm and so they've stopped screaming. dd1 is just left to her own devices and I feel like a complete failure of a mum. Spent most of today in tears then feeling worse as dd1 had to see me upset.

I went to bed at 8.30pm last night so should be more rested than usual but I just don't feel like me.

dh made a jokey comment a week ago that our house must be the messiest our cleaner has to deal with - I don't think it's that untidy and took it as an attack on my failings. I know he didn't mean it that way but I can't stop it making me feel worse.

I can cope until they either cry together or take turns with no gaps inbetween. I'll get one to sleep, then go onto the other, then the first wakes.

I was fine until about 3 weeks ago and Christmas can just disappear as far as I'm concerned - it's getting me so stressed.

Help

Hello. I don't really have advice for you but wanted to say I know how you feel. Except I don't even have a toddler... I also feel like neither of my twins are getting any quality time. Every day is firefighting from beginning to end. I also thought breastmilk wasn't satisfying them and had back to back crying all day and night, so am mixed feeding now. Am alternating a boob feed with a formula feed and am topping up the breastmilk with formula as well. So far it seems to be working. Things are a lot more chilled and I am hoping to be able to start a routine soon. Maybe if I can gain a little bit if control I won't feel like I am under attack all the time.

Don't beat yourself up. You can only do as much as you can.

You are not rubbish at this, you are looking after three small children and there's just not enough of you to go around nor hours in the day to get things done.

I felt exactly the same when my twins were 3.5 months (20 months between them and DD1). I just cracked one day. We were all dressed and fed and went out every day etc but I was just exhausted and not enjoying anything and feeling a complete failure as a mother (my milk supply never seemed to satisfy them).

DP sorted out a nanny to come in 3 days a week to help out for a few months. I was diagnosed with PND and went on medication. I started giving formula and stopped beating myself up about not Breastfeeding exclusively. I lowered my standards and just accepted that my house, was indeed, the messiest house our cleaner cleans.

Sorry, just re-reading and sounds really curt but both twins are screaming but couldn't ignore your post.

Do you have any support to help out in the day? I found getting an hour of sleep while the nanny was here saved my sanity.

Where do you live? I would happily look after DTs for you so you could spend some quality time with DD1.

Will write more later. X

I'm in Somerset. Nanny isn't an option due to finances. My mum was coming for 2 days every fortnight (she lives 1hour 30mins away) but she's busy preparing for Christmas. dh is off next Thursday so I can take dd1 to the panto.

Not sure if it's pnd or just the reality of a toddler and twins.

Princess you are being silly! Of course you are not a failure of a mum!

I have triplets and my older 2 DD's were only 3 and 21months when they were born, so I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like you're leaving them to their own devices!

Firstly - regarding the milk, have you thought about combined feeding? Half formula and half breastmilk - we had to do this as the babies weren't putting on enough weight so were put on special formula for this. Really helped though - they stayed full for ages, so maybe think about that or ask your HV?

Do your DT's have swingy chairs that they can be put in to soothe them? They were brilliant for us - we used to have 3 going at a time! Maybe you could get 1 swingy chair and a bouncy chair so that you can alternate the twins between the 2? As our triplets got older we used to alternate them between the walker, jumperoo and the DJ station just so that I could get things done knowing that my 2 toddlers couldnt accidently step on them or they couldnt escape somewhere.

When I had to feed the babies, I would find out toys for my older 2 to play with - for example their puzzles and then get them playing with them and once they are settled, feed babies. Or feeding time could be book time too - 1 DT on your left, 1 DT on your lap and DD on your right with the book - she will have to flick pages as you will have both hands full!
Maybe for your DD you could get some colouring out (pencils!), playdough, craft things and once she is happy playing - feed DT's.
Obviously I dont know the layout of your house, but we had a small table and chairs (toddler size) in the lounge so that DD's could do crafty things at that, but I could still sit and feed and watch them at the same time. Maybe you could try and feed your DT's around mealtimes too, so that you can feed them whilst DD is sitting and eating her lunch - you could leave her pudding/fruit on the side for her so that she can be a big girl and get them herself once finished lunch.
Is your DD interested in the DT's - maybe she could help feed them with you (if you're bottle feeding) or she can fetch bits for you to keep her occupied.

To be honest, stuff the cleaning etc - that can be done once all DC's are sleeping or when DH comes home.

Once DT's are fed and settled, try and concentrate on DD - do some special things that she cant do alone - special books, painting etc - then when you have to leave her to feed the DT's, you wont feel so bad.

With your DT's - do they have dummies? If not maybe its something you could try? When they are crying (but meant to be sleeping) see if you can soothe them without getting them out to cuddle them, for example just 'shh'ing and rubbing their tummies - this way you can get them both back to sleep at the same time and they will hopefully not keep waking each other as much.

Nights were the worst for us - ours always poo'd whilst being fed, so we'd feed and then nappy change (= wide awake baby) and then have to soothe back to sleep. Next baby - fed - changed - soothed. Next baby - fed - changed - soothed. Baby 1 is up again for next feed!!! It seemed impossible for a while! But dont worry - soon they will be in a brilliant little routine - we managed to get our triplets eating/sleeping and pooing in sync!

Really hope this helps Princess - I know it can be so hard at times.
Feel free to PM me any time
Kate

P.s, I second what London said - if you can, get a nanny in! I think in certain areas, you can get free volunteer help from local services for parents with multiples. For some reason it wasnt available in our area, but have heard brilliant things from others!

Hi PrincessScrumpy,
I'm in a similar situation. DS1 is 27 months old and my DT's are 7 months old.
Things I have done to make my life easier but are reliant on finances (we're stretching ours!):

1. Cleaner comes twice a week - she is brilliant and tidies as well as cleans
2. DS1 goes to nursery for 2 mornings and one afternoon a week. By paying with childcare vouchers it works out not too badly. When DS1 is at nursery I concentrate on doing things with DT's rather than housework and stuff.
3. Once a week I pay a local student to take the DT's for a walk in the buggy for a couple of hours. I then take DS1 for his swimming lesson and spend some quality time with him. The student is very cheap. I've managed to stick with the breastfeeding, mainly because I think it takes less time to breastfeed and less organisation!
   I've also got them all having a lunch time nap for 2 hours. During this I have an hour of time to myself, doing admin, lunch etc. Then for the next hour I go to bed and get a good nap! I also make sure that we have an activity of some sort or other each day. A lot of them are with my friends I made when I had DS1. So they either just have toddler or just a toddler and one baby, this means they always able to help me out. I also go to our local twins club play group once a week. While this all sounds like I've got it under control the babies are waking up about 4 times a night each, so I'm pretty exhausted. I think I just set myself small goals and it gets me through. I hope that is of some help.

I hope you are ok. I have twins too who are now nearly 6. Also have a 12 month old. I am so glad now that I had the twins 1st as I really don't think I could have coped with twin babies and a toddler. What a star you are for even getting out the house! I hadn't actually realised how miserable I was and how difficult it was until i had a single baby last year. Everything is just so much easier with one. When i was at home with the twins I completely resented the time my husband got to go to work. Crazy I know but as you know with 2 babies it's all just so endless and you can't get anything else done. Can't imagine how hard life must be with a toddler too.

I can't really remember clearly now the twins 1st year. It just went by in a blur. One was in and out hospital a lot which was stressful. I do however remember my husband coming home after a nightshift when they were about 8 weeks old and I was sitting in the same position on the couch as I'd been when he'd left. I had tears running down my face and 2 babies clamped to my (very sore) breasts. I hadn't even been to bed as they just wouldn't settle and kept setting each other off. Easiest thing was just to feed them. My husband went straight to supermarket and bought milk, bottles etc and that was the end of my breastfeeding career. Had such a terrible time I couldn't even contemplate breastfeeding dd3.

I know it won't help just now but honestly things do get easier. When I was feeling at my worst I used to bundle my girls into the pram as we'd always get so many compliments when we were out. So many people are totally amazed by twins. Sending hugs x

Hi again PrincessScrumpy

Completely understand about finances, I was reluctant at first as thought it was going to bankrupt us but we just about managed. My DP is away a lot with work so think he felt guilty. Have a look into HomeStart. I've no idea what geographical areas they cover but that could give you a couple of hours with DD1.

Also, have you got any nice neighbours/friends who have offered to help? Is DH very hands on? Can you speak to your HV about getting additional support?

I meant to say on my previous post that they are still very young. Are you trying to follow any sort of routine? I didn't (other than to feed both at the same time and wake to feed every three hours) but they fell into a natural routine about 3.5 months and one DT started sleeping through. The first three months were definitely the worst.

Feeding-wise my two were awful (I think you might have been on another thread about breastfeeding). One finally "got it" at 3 months and the other struggled so just expressed and bottle fed. I don't recommend this - it was awful but they were such poor feeders that I would either sit and breastfeed all day or express, give them a bottle, then they'd go three hours allowing me some time with DD1. How are they latching on now? Were they diagnosed with tongue-tie?

I didn't mean to suggest that you have PND by the way. I only mentioned it to highlight how jolly hard it is. I think hormones/adrenaline kept me going for the first three months then was just emotionally drained.

Has DD1s behaviour changed? Is she being naughty or demanding more attention? She may actually adore having the babies and that may outweigh the lack of attention you can give her at the moment. Second getting her involved. Takes much longer but they love to help mummy. Remember that things do get quicker and easier. My twins are 8 months old now and DD1 gets lots of attention again (probably more than the twins)

Hello - just another message to say you obviously aren't a failure. I don't have other children beside the twins so I'm full of admiration.

It sounds as though you may be being very hard on yourself (it takes one to know one....). Do you know what you can compromise on so that the important (to you) things get done? It sounds as though you want some more time with DD1. I use a babysitter once a week to get out for a run which isn't too expensive, and another twin Mum uses a childminder for a couple of hours a week to get her house clean.

The crying is the worst part for me, especially when I am too tired to work out what to do about it. However, it does get better quite quickly. I'm sure you are producing enough milk but it may not feel like it if you are tired or if they are having a bit of a growth spurt. Whether to switch is completely your decision.

I hope you can come up with a plan from all the suggestions and that you feel ok soon.

BTW anyone who expects a card or mince pie from you this year doesn't deserve one.

Sounds like they are having a growth spurt. Give it a few days and it should all settle down a bit

And you are not a bad mum! Just surviving these early days is all you can ask Everyone being fed and dressed is all you have to do, anything else is a bonus!

Just a quick reply as I have babies everywhere but you are definitely not a failure. Just look at what you have achieved so far. A harder than most pregnancy whilst having a three year old to look after. You have also got to nearly four months before the tiredness has set in. That is brilliant in itself. You have breastfed new born twins. All huge achievements. It will get easier. Things will be still hard work but in a different way.

I have 11 month old triplets and a three year old. I can remember days where there was just a relay race of crying. Now they do not cry very often at all. At first they just slept in their chairs when they pleased but then I decided that my older one needed a bit of time to himself. I don't find routines from books that helpful but I tried to watch what the babies were doing. When one seemed tired I put them all in their cots. Now they have two naps a day, mostly all together. That has made more time for me and my son. I also found things got easier when they could sit in high chairs and easier again when they could cope with bits of finger food. I think a priority for your sanity is delegating as much if the house work as you can or deciding what is really important and leaving the rest for a while. That way when your babies sleep you can have some time with your older one or a bit of time to yourself.

I still have days when it is so hard ( I joined a thread the other day to say just that!) but things are definitely better and more enjoyable than those early months.

Much better day today - 2 Christmas parties to attend but went well and now all 3 girls are watching Tinkerbell. Feel like a different mummy!