Surviving twins.

bauble99 · 2005-12-20T20:42:33+00:00

Not as in 'surviving twins in the first year', which seems to be heavy going, from what I've read. I mean, as twins can often run in families, were any of you a twin who lost their twin? IYSWIM I ask because one of my (very healthy) twin boys died during a botched labour and I'm not sure if, what and when I need to tell his brother.. when he's old enough to understand. Seems a bit premature to be asking this, as DT1 is only 10 months old, but I found some scan pictures today which made me re-realise that he *is* a twin. It's difficult. He's now a singleton, but not. Does that make sense? I know that 'vanishing twins' often occur early in pregnancy, heck! *I* could be a twin for all I (and my mother back in the pre-scanning darkages) knows. But DT1 was a twin until birth and then suddenly wasn't. He *saw* his brother. It *does* register, I'm sure of that. If you were a twin and the other died, how/when did you cope with it? What was said to you? TIA.

carlychristmas · 20/12/2005 20:46

bauble i dont have any experience of this but i just couldnt leave this thread without saying how sorry i am for you and i hope you and your family have a wonderful christmas

SnowsyPosey · 20/12/2005 20:52

Can't really help, but 2 acquaintances (husbands of school friends) were both twins who's twin was stillborn. Neither of them found out til adulthood, both by accident. One I don't know how exactly it happened, the other one found out when his mother died and he was going through her paperwork. Both felt appalled they had never been told but neither suspected anything either. I guess it was more common in "the olden days" to sweep such things under the carpet and "forget" they ever happened.

Of course you must tell ds at some point. My guess is, that if you're an open family, it will just be something that he grows up knowing (hearing you mention his twin's name or seeing pictures). Then as he grows older he will ask questions as he feels appropriate.
Sorry I can't be more helpful
xxxx

SnowsyPosey · 20/12/2005 20:52

Can't really help, but 2 acquaintances (husbands of school friends) were both twins who's twin was stillborn. Neither of them found out til adulthood, both by accident. One I don't know how exactly it happened, the other one found out when his mother died and he was going through her paperwork. Both felt appalled they had never been told but neither suspected anything either. I guess it was more common in "the olden days" to sweep such things under the carpet and "forget" they ever happened.

Of course you must tell ds at some point. My guess is, that if you're an open family, it will just be something that he grows up knowing (hearing you mention his twin's name or seeing pictures). Then as he grows older he will ask questions as he feels appropriate.
Sorry I can't be more helpful
xxxx

SnowsyPosey · 20/12/2005 20:52

Sorry for double message.

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 20/12/2005 20:55

I don't really feel qualified to answer as I have not gone through anything like your experience, bubble, but my instinct says that your son should be told about his twin. If he grew up knowing about him, it wouldn't come as a huge shock later in life IYSWIM.

I had a vanishing twin situation with my last pregnancy. I lost the "twin" at 9 weeks. It was never real to me as I was only just beginning to suspect I was carrying twins when I lost it. I haven't yet told my son about it as he is not yet 3 and would not understand, but his oldest siblings know about it (they are 9 and 8 tomorrow!) I don't think my 5 yo dd has really taken it in.

I think if your son grows up knowing about it, he will accept it more easily, although I don't know what the outcome of your enquiry into the death of Bo has concluded/will conclude, so that might make a difference. Yours is such a sad situation and not at all comparable to mine.

FWIW I believe a lot of pregnancies are twin to begin with. I once heard an interesting theory that all left handed people are half of a twin pg. Probably rubbish and not relevant to your question.

daisy1999 · 20/12/2005 21:08

so sorry for what happened to you bauble.
I have twin dd and my mother was a twin whose sister died at birth (nearly 60 years ago). As far as I can gather she has always known and the existence of the other little girl was never kept from her.
When I had twins I think it made her think about it again and it certainly made me think. Fortunately she doesn't seem to have had any problems accepting the fact that she was a twin.
Hope you have a good Christmas.

MarsyChristmas · 20/12/2005 21:16

and remember bauble my lovely, you'll always be a twin mum.

TwoIfBySanta · 20/12/2005 22:09

My twin brother was stillborn and having dst now I realise what I missed. My mother never spoke of it and I have never heard the full story.

How I found out was my younger cousin told me when I was 8. But before then I had always known so it didn't really shock me but I was ticked off that her family seemed to discuss it. So she was disappointed at the reaction to her news.

I wish I could ask but it is very difficult, I wish someone would just tell me what happened. At least your little boy will grow up with honesty and being able to acknowledge his brother.

Christie · 20/12/2005 22:48

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lisalisa · 20/12/2005 23:39

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Christie · 21/12/2005 00:05

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ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 21/12/2005 13:56

Christie, it was wierd reading your post, because apart from you losing your twin at 11 weeks and me losing mine at 9, your experience was very similar to mine. I only guessed I might be having twins because I had slight morning sickness and had had none at all with my other three babies. Also, the morning sickness abruptly went one day and it was at the end of the next day that I started bleeding so I feel I know when the twin died. I had to wait overnight before I could be scanned and then was left waiting a few hours and was terrified of being told my baby was dead. The radiographer didn't mention the dead baby first though, just said "there is the heart beat" and I collapsed in tears to discover the baby I knew was dead was really still alive. I can't say I felt any grief for the dead baby as I had never known for sure it was there and didn't want twins anyway.

As I said before, I don't know when I will tell ds3 he had a twin but I will tell him. I didn't tell my children at the time, but I did tell them within a year of ds3's birth. Ds2 is also very sensitive and is the one to bring the subject up if it is ever discussed, but I don't think it is bad for him to be exposed to this. I think we need to be open with our children and expose them to the sadder aspects of life as well as the happier (within reason of course).

It is a bit off the point, but I grew up knowing my mother had had 2 miscarriages in between having my brother and myself - one baby was lost very late on. I know my mother had to have special treatment to have me. But she and I have never got on too well and I had this childish attitude when I was groewing up that my mother had hated me from babyhood and I had put her off ever having any more children (as I am the youngest in my family). It was a real shock and caused a huge readjustment in my childish feelings to learn years after I had grown up that my mother had actually had a third miscarriage after my birth.

Sorry, probably none of this is relevant, just wanted to share a sisterhood moment with Christie (your name would have been my unborn twin's name if he had been a boy!) and let anyone reading this know, even miscarriages can be important for children to know about.

harpsiheraldangelssing · 21/12/2005 14:12

I am really touched by the stories on here. bauble I hadn't realised that you still birth was a twin. I am really very sorry for your loss.
please don;t think bauble that I am in any way equating my loss with yours, but both my (successful to term) pregnancies began as twin pregnancies, and I lost the other twin in the first trimester. my dd1 is now 2.5 and I am beginning to think I might introduce the notion to her soon, as I think it is helpful if things like this are introduced not as a big deal but in as matter of fact a way as possible and so that she will "always" have known about it. OTOH I don;t want to make it a big deal, or to make more of it that it is. OTOH.... lots of people in the family know about it, and I don;t want it to be a secret, or for her to hear it from someone else....I am very ambivalent about it all tbh and welcome this discussion with some enthusiasm.
of course it is all complicated by the fact that the whole subject is of course very emotive for me and dh too. I am sad that in the post natal period I have spent a lot of time thinking about what might have been, and about the baby I don;t have to hold as well as the one I do.

throckenholt · 21/12/2005 14:13

bauble - do you have a photo of Bo on display ? If not, if you can face it - maybe you could do that - and then talk to Elijah about him in the same way as you do anyone else in the photos.

How old are your other children ? Are they likely to talk about him ? Maybe you need to sit down as a family and decide the best way to deal with it.

I would think if you can talk about him naturally as part of the family (just like a departed grandparent say - eg I talk about my dad to my kids - he died when I was 18) then he will grow up feeling comfortable about it and able to ask questions when he needs to.

Christie · 21/12/2005 18:03

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Original poster

bauble99 · 21/12/2005 23:51

Thanks all. There are some incredibly moving posts here.

The older Bubble boys are 8 and 5 and knew that we were expecting twins. We talked about it a lot after Bo died and they understood the reasons why mummy and daddy were crying a lot of the time. Every so often they'll mention Bo. For example, they were playing 'secret agents' the other day, which seemed to involve hiding and then leaping around corners in SAS pose. DS1 said, completely out of the blue, that Bo would be able to help him by 'parachuting down from heaven'.

Ds2 (only 5, bless him) saw the urn with Bo's ashes in recently and said that we should 'sprinkle' him. These are the times when I'm literally knocked over with grief, I'm glad that they want to talk about him, but it's still so raw and seems at the moment to be getting worse, rather than better. I think Elijah's first birthday will be particularly difficult.

I've got a photo (we haven't felt able to look at it yet) that the MW's took in hospital of Elijah and Bo in the same cot. They said that, at some point in the future, we may find it helpful to have a photo of them together. I'm pleased that I've got that to show Elijah in the future, if he wants to see it. We'll keep on talking about Bo as and when the boys (and we) want to.

Thanks again for your posts. They've helped.

Bubble XXX

OP posts:

throckenholt · 22/12/2005 08:19

bubble - I think if you and your boys can bring Bo into the conversation naturally at times it will help you all - you to come to terms with him not being with you, and Elijah to learn about him.

It will hurt and it will be difficult, but over time as it becomes more "normal" he will become part of the family, rather than some awful thing that can't be spoken of.

Your boys are showing how resilient kids are - they bounce back so much more easily than adults do. Try and take your queue from them and bring Bo out from the shadows.

Maybe around the time of the birthday you can make a ceremonial bringing the photo onto the shelf - once it is there with the rest of the family it may help dealing with it.

I have a necklace my dad gave me the birthday before he died (20 years ago now - nearly 21) - I always wear it, sometimes I have cried over it, but it helps having it there. Maybe the photo Bo and his brother can be like that for you.