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Multiple births

When do you start showing with twins? What is life with twins like? Join the conversation on our Multiple Births forum.

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Original poster

only one twin invited to party - advice please

12 replies

givemeaclue · 01/08/2011 17:58

DTs are 3. Had an invite today for one of them to go to a party this sunday. I am a firm believer in them not being treated as a 'pair' and think its healthy for them to have their own friends etc. DT1 (invited) tends to play with the same small group at nursery. DT2 (not invited) tends to play with a wider group. DT1's invite is from one of the small group she plays with a lot. The nursery nurse gave me the invite quietly which was kind and explained that when the mum of the party giver had given the invite the nursery nurse had said 'doyou mean xxx, the twin' i.e emphasising that DT1 is a twin. She suggested that I call the mother and ask if the other twin could come. I am not going to do that as I think its rude to expect an invite for one just because the other is invited and I want them to do thinks seperately as well as together. in teh invite the mother has put thats it a small party with just 4 friends - I dont want DT2 to be a gate crasher, I am sure the party giver would have invited her if she wanted to!

Now, I would be happy to just take DT1 to the party and do something nice with DT 2 instead and play down the party just saying that DT1 is going to play at party givers house. However, my DH is away for the weekend and so I don't have anyone to look after Dt 2 whilst I take DT1 to the party and I don't want to take her to a party she is not invited to even if its just to drop off Dt1.

Any tips? I don't want DT1 to miss out especially as she can be a bit 'joined at the hip' with DT2 and I would like her to do more things independently.

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plantsitter · 01/08/2011 18:00

Can you see if one of the other parents could give her a lift? Explaining why?

throckenholt · 01/08/2011 18:07

I would just say we are going to do something different today. Make a point that you don't all have to do the same thing (eg Daddy is away, while you are at home). Then drop the party twin off ( I assume she is staying on her own - although mine wouldn't have managed that at that age), and then take the other off somewhere - maybe a walk in the woods - or something you don't do very often. And explain to both that there will be times when one gets invited to something and the other gets invited to something else - because they will develop different friends and different interests.

It is good for them to learn that they are not an inseperable pair. They are probably too young to understand it all yet, but hopefully young enough to take it in their stride.

SarkySpanner · 01/08/2011 18:15

I would speak to the mum organising the party and explain that drop-off and pick up are going to be tricky and ask her to help you manage that.

Original poster

givemeaclue · 01/08/2011 18:48

yes its the drop off and pick up that are the key issue - assuming that I can just drop her off, as DT2 is going to have to come with me to the drop off and she will be very upset if she cannot go in - I dont want to cause an issue for the mum by one DT screaming on the doorstep!

i don't know who the other 3 are that are invited- they may not even be from nursery

it could be that dh is back in time but I cannot guarantee it

conundrum!

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SoupDragon · 01/08/2011 18:55

At 3 I think you need to check that the party mother is happy for you not to stay and explain why. then you can work out the drop off and pick up.

virgiltracey · 01/08/2011 18:56

personally I wouldn't go. Its only nuresy and you'll be sick of the constant parties come the end of reception believe me. Its just unfair to invite one and not the other at that age. they won't understand why one isn't invited. Its difficult enough when they are not the same age. we found it hard when we had a five year old and a three year old and one wasn't invited. Do soemthing nice with the two of them instead.

4madboys · 01/08/2011 18:56

do you have a neighbour or friend that could watch the twin that isnt going to the party whilst you drop her off?

or if you are driving to the party, park right outside the house, and leave her in the car, with a small treat/snack whilst you drop of the other twin, as long as you can see the car from the house, you will only be a few mins? and then take her and do something fun? hopefully the treat/snack will distract her from the fact the other twin is going without her etc?

4madboys · 01/08/2011 18:58

btw i dont have twins, but i do have 5 kids ranging from 11yrs down to 7mths and at times of course they are invited to parties seperately etc and have had to go with me to drop off siblings, my ds4 who is 3 didnt like dropping ds3 (6) off at a party recenlty but i got him a small snack and then we went for a walk to the garden centre to look at the fish and other animals.

its the way these things go, twins/siblings they will all do things on their own and its normal and healthy for them to do so, they may not always like it, but kids dont like everyything, as long as the two of you have a nice time together it will be fine :)

londonlottie · 01/08/2011 22:28

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Original poster

givemeaclue · 02/08/2011 21:35

Thanks all for your advice :)
My conundrum is unexpectedly resolved. As you know, the problem was not that DT1 was invited and DT 2 wasn't it was just proving a challenge to get DT1 to the party without rubbing it in the face of DT2!
I texted the mother last night and just said "thanks for inviting xx to party, just sorting logistics re my other daugher as my dh is away at the weekend so please can I confirm tomorrow" I didn't mention that xx is a twin.
anyway today she texted me back saying she had not realised till today at nursery that DT1 is a twin and of course I am v welcome to bring DT 2 as well. I called her up and left a message 'very kind of you to invite DT2 as well, it wasn't expected and I wasn't hinting for her to invited. I was actually really pleased that DT1 was invited on her own as I want them to do more things seperately and have thier own friends and it was an opportunity for me to spend 1-1 time with DT2. Having said all that, with DH being away it was proving a bit of a challenge re DT2 so if she is sure she does not mind, it would be lovely to bring DT2 as well'

its a real shame I cannot just take DT1 however it was going to end up taking both or neither on this occasion as had no options for DT2. Hopefully in future they'll get their own invites and DH won't be away!

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glamourbadger · 03/08/2011 15:30

Mine are 5 and in different school classes so regularly invited to different parties. It's nice to have just one of them to myself, so rare to have some special time together! I usually take the other twin to the park or somewhere they enjoy nearby and we have a good play. We had a few tears the first time but they seem to have accepted it as the norm over time.

Original poster

givemeaclue · 03/08/2011 19:53

yes would have loved to have been able to do that but with DH away was not poss this time, hopefully next time it will work out better

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