3 yr old not coping with new twins - ideas

[Amberc]

My DS (nearly 3) is struggling emotionally with the arrival of our new twins. It started off fine and I was really surprised at how well he adjusted. I think it's because they pretty much slept the whole time and I had a maternity nurse who did a lot of the looking after so I had loads of time for DS. However it seems now the twins are 4 mo and have become little people, needing way more attention and time, he has stopped being fine with it. I am very sure it's all connected but he's started saying he doesn't love us or like us. He says he won't speak to us and doesn't want a cuddle. He's also become quite naughty in ways he never was before. I know it's to get attention, and I know any attention even bad is better than nothing. The thing is I specifically employed a nanny to help me take care of the twins so that I could spend quality time with him but it seems that's not enough. Has anyone been through this and can give me some advice. We've been trying to ignore the remarks and I've sat down and explained that we still love him loads but he has to share mummy which he went mental at and had a tantrum. He's making DP and I quite upset with some of his comments. Oh and he's not sleeping well either, waking two or three times a night and waking up for the day at 5am.

Do you let him get involved , eg passing you nappies or clothes when you are changing the twins. This worked for 2 of my children when a new baby came along, it might take a while but the more you involve him the more likely he is to settle.

I do try but he says he doesn't want to

ds1 was like this when i had ds2 and it was a really tough time, obviously it wasn't twins, but ds2 was a very unhappy, high needs baby and i spent a LOT of time with him.

tbh we just muddled through this phase, I tried to make sure I did stuff with ds1 as much as I could but I also felt it was important that he knew his brother was there to stay and that I could still do things iwth him even though the baby was there as well.
so sometimes i'd say "oh let's read some books/do a puzzle/bake something, and ds2 can just sit here in his chair and watch us, he likes watching us"

as long as ds2 wasn't screaming his head off then i tried to do a story and bedtime with ds1 for some 1-2-1

oh and also, acknowledge the remarks so that he knows you know that he isn't happy abotu things right now, but also try and reassure him at the same time iyswim?

I haven't acknowledged the remarks yet, I will give it a try. Thisisyesterday is everything ok now and how long did it take fir things to be 'normal' again?

well, i can't honestly say that he has a great relationship with his brother. he DOES love him, and he is fiercely protective of him... but on a day to day basis he is fairly ambivalent.
ds1 I think was just not ready for a sibling when ds2 was born, and I can't change that so we just have to deal with it.

I will say that it got worse when his brother became mobile, we had a couple of incidences of him pushing him down the stairs but as they've got older and ds2 is more able to play games we are seeing them play nicely together sometimes and hopefully that will continue as they get older.

ds1 was 2.8yo when our twins arrived, and at first was fantastic and fine. we call them "his babies" and ask his opinion about little stuff like what clothes they should where. then (I forget when, sorry) he went through a phase of nightmares, after which he started rejecting me, but not the babies. the babies are now 7mo and it's been getting better for a while. it helps that he can entertain the babies now - if he sings or makes funny noises dt1 collapses in peals of laughter.

we make a big thing about telling him he's a fantastic big brother and that his babies really love him, especially when he does something kind/helpful with the babies, and don't ever pressure him. eg if I ask him to go play with one baby while I bath the other and he says he's busy I just say "oh, ok then".

so, on the basis that ds1 rejected me (at one point he couldn't let me help him with anything, and tried sitting on the other side of the room for his bedtime story) and is now getting much better, I hope your ds1 will do too. I just back off, but I didn't ignore remarks. I would tell him I loved him very much and wanted to cuddle him when he was ready.

hope it works out

My DH's brother went to pieces at the arrival of twins and then DH and ended up bullying them badly. I think the problem was that his mother tried to sweep his feelings under the carpet.

I also suggest acknowledging his feelings and trying to talk about them and name them. He is angry, but won't know why and you need to do his thinking for him. Remember when he is pushing you away that it means he really wants, loves and needs you. I would think it very positive that he feels secure enough to say these horrible things, even though it must be very distressing for you.